Help me be fair to our nanny without causing DH to flip over $

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Part of the problem here is that DH doesn't think being a nanny really is that hard. I don't know if anyone can relate to this issue with their DHs. I don't think being a nanny is backbreaking labor, but I still distinctly remember how hectic just two kids in the evening was for me when DH was working late, older child was a volatile 3, and younger child was a baby. And, they're my kids, so if I ignore crying or lose my cool from time to time, that's not ideal but whatever. I'm sure my nanny, who is a cooler cucumber than me anyway, feels differently because it is her job.

ooh, I think it's time for Dad to have a long weekend by himself with the kids. you go on a girls trip, and no nanny or grandparents that weekend.
that usually what it takes to help increase his appreciation and understanding. I do this every so often, and it's amazing how appreciative DH is of small things after that.

[Anonymous]

Then DH needs to solve this problem, OP. What is his cheaper solution? To just not give your nanny a raise?

I do think you've created an expensive situation with your set of nonnegotiables: a particular, full day preschool, in order to have sibling preference for a particular private elementary school + a nanny who works over 50 hours a week and is already compensated well.

On a certain level, I agree with your DH -- we all can't have everything. On the other hand, the last person who needs to fix your financial issue is your nanny, and you have the money, you'd just rather not spend it.

As far as "selling" it to your DH, I think you need to show him when and how this ends, and what the total additional cost of a raise will be over that time (the marginal cost of a good raise). Once DC #3 is in school, what are your before/after care/vacation plans? Can you promise the nanny expense has an end date? Because I'm guessing he's now multiplying by 3 what he was originally multiplying by 2, and also thinking, "what if there's a #4 in three years?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Part of the problem here is that DH doesn't think being a nanny really is that hard. I don't know if anyone can relate to this issue with their DHs. I don't think being a nanny is backbreaking labor, but I still distinctly remember how hectic just two kids in the evening was for me when DH was working late, older child was a volatile 3, and younger child was a baby. And, they're my kids, so if I ignore crying or lose my cool from time to time, that's not ideal but whatever. I'm sure my nanny, who is a cooler cucumber than me anyway, feels differently because it is her job.

ooh, I think it's time for Dad to have a long weekend by himself with the kids. you go on a girls trip, and no nanny or grandparents that weekend.
that usually what it takes to help increase his appreciation and understanding. I do this every so often, and it's amazing how appreciative DH is of small things after that.

I know, right? I don't want to paint him as absentee. He does handle the kids on his own plenty. But, he utilizes tv more freely than I do (mom guilt!), tends to hang around the house vs. doing activities when he's solo, and often the house is a wreck after they're to bed. He CAN do better, he just sometimes chooses not to. Our nanny, by contrast, is on point all of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Then DH needs to solve this problem, OP. What is his cheaper solution? To just not give your nanny a raise?

I do think you've created an expensive situation with your set of nonnegotiables: a particular, full day preschool, in order to have sibling preference for a particular private elementary school + a nanny who works over 50 hours a week and is already compensated well.

On a certain level, I agree with your DH -- we all can't have everything. On the other hand, the last person who needs to fix your financial issue is your nanny, and you have the money, you'd just rather not spend it.

As far as "selling" it to your DH, I think you need to show him when and how this ends, and what the total additional cost of a raise will be over that time (the marginal cost of a good raise). Once DC #3 is in school, what are your before/after care/vacation plans? Can you promise the nanny expense has an end date? Because I'm guessing he's now multiplying by 3 what he was originally multiplying by 2, and also thinking, "what if there's a #4 in three years?"

You're hitting the nail on the head. I don't really think either of us is unreasonable. He would have been perfectly content to stop at two kids, because he knows how expensive they are. I was the one who wanted a third, and he then agreed. He's now multiplying the total cost of our nanny by the total number of years we will have her for, and then losing his mind because it's hundreds of thousands of dollars when you do it that way. I'm thinking of it more as the marginal additional cost, plus I'm sooo happy about our third baby that I don't really care. And, fundamentally we disagree on our financial situation. I think we're more than fine, and he thinks we don't have enough. Because I'm generally frugal, this doesn't often come to a head. It is coming to a head now.

As for post nanny childcare, I plan to move to an au pair or an after school babysitter once DC3 is in FT preschool. We're done after three kids. I'd love a fourth but not at the age I would be when he/she was born (plus DH would have a cow).

[Anonymous]

Just admit it, OP, you are cheap and have no qualms about using your nanny. You disgust me and your nanny will probably quit and find a job with someone who appreciates her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to raise her base hourly rate, OP. You are paying far too little. Overtime payments are not a way to justify paying less. She is working long hours for you and deserves the overtime pay. I think you should raise her to at least $20 an hour.

Kids in school still have laundry and eat meals. And there are holidays, teacher conferences and sick days where she could have all three kids home.

It would be a very foolish economy in your circumstances to risk losing a wonderful nanny just when you need her the most because you were cheap - or she could earn more while doing less with another family.

I love the term "foolish economy". My Irish grandmother used to use it and it is right on the nose here. Whatever moneys are spent now can be recouped later. These years home with a nanny are numbered. With a new baby and the transitions for both older children, it would be a "foolish economy" to short-change your nanny and risk losing her when you need her the most.

I would give her a larger base rate increase than $1 (standard when adding a newborn) but certainly would never go less than $1 an hour.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Part of the problem here is that DH doesn't think being a nanny really is that hard. I don't know if anyone can relate to this issue with their DHs. I don't think being a nanny is backbreaking labor, but I still distinctly remember how hectic just two kids in the evening was for me when DH was working late, older child was a volatile 3, and younger child was a baby. And, they're my kids, so if I ignore crying or lose my cool from time to time, that's not ideal but whatever. I'm sure my nanny, who is a cooler cucumber than me anyway, feels differently because it is her job.

LOL of course you and DH don't think it's that hard or back breaking; you have a nanny who does the bulk of the childcare for you.

Imagine working at a job that offers no benefits, little security, no room for growth and that we all know ends. Imagine you have to care for children who aren't yours in accordance with the ever changing whims of the parents, who may be significantly less educated and experienced with kids than you are. Now imagine your employer wants to add a ton more work but thinks your draining, exhausting, time consuming job isn't hard when they don't spend half as much time doing it. Then the offer a slim raise. Probably doesn't sound so great. And before anyone says that if someone feels that way they shouldn't work with kids, keep in mind the only reason you're able to have a career and a family is because someone is willing to do this work.

[Anonymous]

Leave the kids with DH for the weekend and go off for a babymoon. Make sure he does their laundry and cleans their rooms. Then talk about how easy a nanny job is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think your weekly rate is terrible, but that really is a lot of hours.

The PP talking about $34 is referring to the amount of your suggested weekly raise (from 1096 to 1130). I agree that $34/week is a terrible raise considering it is meant to cover both an annual raise and a raise for an additional child.

+1 I think you need to up her base hourly pay by at least $1/hr; really $1.50/hr would be better. I also think, regardless of her pay, you should give her another 3-5 days of PTO of her choice off per year so she can take a couple personal days or a slightly longer vacation to recharge throughout the year. Three kids including a newborn, even if the other two are in preschool most of the time, for over 50 hours a week will be very stressful for her, and she needs to feel appreciated and well compensated to stick around for another couple of years.

Thanks for this. I will consider the PTO as well. She is EXTREMELY reliable, so this seems like a nice thing to do as well.

Part of the problem here is that DH doesn't think being a nanny really is that hard. I don't know if anyone can relate to this issue with their DHs. I don't think being a nanny is backbreaking labor, but I still distinctly remember how hectic just two kids in the evening was for me when DH was working late, older child was a volatile 3, and younger child was a baby. And, they're my kids, so if I ignore crying or lose my cool from time to time, that's not ideal but whatever. I'm sure my nanny, who is a cooler cucumber than me anyway, feels differently because it is her job.

I suggest you send your nanny on vacation for a week as soon as school starts, hand your DH a detailed list of what your nanny does every day plus a baby he has to hold or feed or wear or try to soothe for 10+ hours a day and ask him how he feels in 5 days. Then give a dollar an hour raise for every time a child was late getting somewhere or the baby cried for more than 5 minutes.

I bet your nanny would double her rate in no time.

Seriously OO. Do yourself and your nanny a favor and leave your DH alone for a weekend with no access to screens or a car and make him parent hardcore. See if he changes his tune.

[Anonymous]

$34 more per week is a 60 cent per hour raise. If your nanny currently makes around $19.25/hour that's a 3% raise.

3% is barely adequate as an annual raise. It's a flat out insult as a new baby raise, and if you offer 3% as a combo new baby/yearly raise your nanny will be crying out of fury as she goes home and will be job hunting that night.

Your DH needs to get over himself. You both have decided to make school an expense so deal with it and give a 15-18% raise to your nanny. If she needs and wants health insurance you may be able to give her that as a before tax benefit, which lowers your tax burden and hers as well.

Think a bit about how much juggling your nanny will now be doing. Write down a projected daily schedule that will kick in once you are back to work. Ask yourself and your DH if either of you could handle that schedule. If the honest answer is "HELL NO!", then raise her rates with a smile.

And if the reality of her job doesn't work to make your DH think, toss out how much fun it will be to have a new baby and two older kids who have lost their nanny and have to get used to a new person in their life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Part of the problem here is that DH doesn't think being a nanny really is that hard. I don't know if anyone can relate to this issue with their DHs. I don't think being a nanny is backbreaking labor, but I still distinctly remember how hectic just two kids in the evening was for me when DH was working late, older child was a volatile 3, and younger child was a baby. And, they're my kids, so if I ignore crying or lose my cool from time to time, that's not ideal but whatever. I'm sure my nanny, who is a cooler cucumber than me anyway, feels differently because it is her job.

LOL of course you and DH don't think it's that hard or back breaking; you have a nanny who does the bulk of the childcare for you.

Imagine working at a job that offers no benefits, little security, no room for growth and that we all know ends. Imagine you have to care for children who aren't yours in accordance with the ever changing whims of the parents, who may be significantly less educated and experienced with kids than you are. Now imagine your employer wants to add a ton more work but thinks your draining, exhausting, time consuming job isn't hard when they don't spend half as much time doing it. Then the offer a slim raise. Probably doesn't sound so great. And before anyone says that if someone feels that way they shouldn't work with kids, keep in mind the only reason you're able to have a career and a family is because someone is willing to do this work.

Absolutely this. Your DH is a fool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Part of the problem here is that DH doesn't think being a nanny really is that hard. I don't know if anyone can relate to this issue with their DHs. I don't think being a nanny is backbreaking labor, but I still distinctly remember how hectic just two kids in the evening was for me when DH was working late, older child was a volatile 3, and younger child was a baby. And, they're my kids, so if I ignore crying or lose my cool from time to time, that's not ideal but whatever. I'm sure my nanny, who is a cooler cucumber than me anyway, feels differently because it is her job.

LOL of course you and DH don't think it's that hard or back breaking; you have a nanny who does the bulk of the childcare for you.

Imagine working at a job that offers no benefits, little security, no room for growth and that we all know ends. Imagine you have to care for children who aren't yours in accordance with the ever changing whims of the parents, who may be significantly less educated and experienced with kids than you are. Now imagine your employer wants to add a ton more work but thinks your draining, exhausting, time consuming job isn't hard when they don't spend half as much time doing it. Then the offer a slim raise. Probably doesn't sound so great. And before anyone says that if someone feels that way they shouldn't work with kids, keep in mind the only reason you're able to have a career and a family is because someone is willing to do this work.

Absolutely this. Your DH is a fool.

I agree. Your husband is an ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Part of the problem here is that DH doesn't think being a nanny really is that hard. I don't know if anyone can relate to this issue with their DHs. I don't think being a nanny is backbreaking labor, but I still distinctly remember how hectic just two kids in the evening was for me when DH was working late, older child was a volatile 3, and younger child was a baby. And, they're my kids, so if I ignore crying or lose my cool from time to time, that's not ideal but whatever. I'm sure my nanny, who is a cooler cucumber than me anyway, feels differently because it is her job.

LOL of course you and DH don't think it's that hard or back breaking; you have a nanny who does the bulk of the childcare for you.

Imagine working at a job that offers no benefits, little security, no room for growth and that we all know ends. Imagine you have to care for children who aren't yours in accordance with the ever changing whims of the parents, who may be significantly less educated and experienced with kids than you are. Now imagine your employer wants to add a ton more work but thinks your draining, exhausting, time consuming job isn't hard when they don't spend half as much time doing it. Then the offer a slim raise. Probably doesn't sound so great. And before anyone says that if someone feels that way they shouldn't work with kids, keep in mind the only reason you're able to have a career and a family is because someone is willing to do this work.

Absolutely this. Your DH is a fool.

I agree. Your husband is an ass.

OP is also an ass.

[Anonymous]

I don't think OP is, a bit misguided perhaps but her DH definitely is. I guess it is a bit of a sore subject for me as I think my DB feels the same way about me and it is a horrible feeling to know you aren't really valued.

[Anonymous]

Whatever you do for a raise will represent a very small portion of your whole child care and school budget.

If your husband is feeling anxious about child care costs, then talk to him! You ARE spending a ton of money on top of the line choices. Maybe he wants to make a change and is not communicating that clearly. It sounds like a larger discussion, not just about the raise, would help you guys align.

Some possibilities:
1. Put the baby in a daycare center or nanny share and find after care for the older kids.
2. Put the baby in a daycare center or nanny share and get an after school nanny for the older kids.
3. Pull your younger child from this Montessori program and consider other options. I know you love this school, but there are many great schools.
Etc, etc.