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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My sister hired her first AP who started in November. The AP is from a small farm town in Sweden and is 18yo. The first time we met her was in early December when my sister came to visit, she lives a few hours away so they stayed over for one night, my sister and BIL and their two kids. They had come for a family tradition where we have a nice dinner to get the holidays started. My sister and I are very close and my youngest is the same age as her oldest so our kids are growing up together. 
In December they showed up with the two kids, the AP and a bunch of stuff.  The AP walked into the house and walked around a bit, my sister told her to keep an eye on the kids. An hour later we were done unpacking, setting up the meal and planned for a glass of wine on the couch. The AP came and sat with the four of us, including me and DH, and just sat there awkwardly for a couple of hours. Meanwhile my nanny who was doing me a favor by working on the Saturday was watching my three kids and my two nephews. 
We set dinner up buffet style and AP was the first to take a plate, sit and eat. I was really shocked and I said to her let’s get the kids to eat first, go find my nephews and get them to wash their hands. She came back a few minutes later and said she couldn’t find them, remember we’re all in the same house, and she just sat and ate…this went on for the two days with the AP acting like she was a guest at a hotel. 
I asked my sister about it and she said the AP was still settling in and that actually it was her weekend off so she wasn’t supposed to be working. I told my sister next time just leave her at home as it’s annoying. Once they left my nanny was upset with me because I hadn’t told her to expect to have my nephews to take care of too. My nanny said that having the AP there just created more work for her. 
We just spent the weekend with them and nothing has changed. We were out at a sporting event and the AP was taking lots of photos, checking her phone, and paying no attention to the kids. At meal times she didn’t help my nephews whatsoever. I asked my sister about it and she said she thought it would help to have the AP in case we wanted to go out for dinner. I told her I wouldn’t leave my sleeping kids with this AP and now my sister is upset. 
I understand this is absolutely none of my business but can I just tell my sister that we don’t want this AP joining us anymore?
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By the way, you need to talk to your sister before complaining online.  An aupair is not a live-in nanny. She's not responsible for the nephews on her down time, which your sister told you she wasn't working when she visited. She is essentially a exchange student/sibling to the nephews when she is on her non-duty hours. So she isn't required to help the kids at the baseball game. That's your sister's job and I would assume YOUR job as an aunt.

Aupair's sign up for 45 hours a week and no more than 10 hours a day. If your sister is using all of the childcare hours during the week, the aupair is not throwing in a free friday night so your sister can go out to eat. She's not live-in staff. It's an exchange program for cultural exchange. Get to know the aupair. Actually invite her to the evening out and leave the husbands at home to deal with the kids - or your nanny.

Eventually, she will be comfortable with the kids like they are family members and may help because she knows what to do and is familiar with them. Right now, she's an 18 year old girl who is a continent away from home in a foreign country being hosted by people who think she should be working 24 hours a day so that they can relax.  No one would sign up for that. [/quote]

OP - I completely understand and appreciate your perspective here, but I don’t care. She’s not my AP, I wasn’t asked if I minded my guests bringing a guest. We are a big extended family, nobody shows up empty handed and nobody eats before the kids. If I’m the host and she’s the guest, and she doesn’t offer to help whatsoever, but I actually have to ask her to go get the kids before she eats, and even then she ‘can’t find them’ in a four bedroom house, obviously there are bigger problems at work here. The responses here have been helpful as I’ve a better perspective on how aps work, which reinforces why I never had one!!
It’s just poor etiquette but as I said above, it’s my sister’s problem and not mine. The AP is strange and there is no way I’d leave my kids with her. [/quote]

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