Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have one almost 5 year old and I will say life really is SO much easier at this point for us than literally everyone else we know with 2+. Part of it is the pandemic, but in general it's just easy and pleasant to have one "big" (meaning, out of the toddler/early preschool years) kid. I really don't know anyone with two kids that would say parenting is "easy and pleasant" at this point. We may spend more time playing with her, but it's much nicer to spend the evening taking turns making up and performing songs about loving your family than dealing with sibling bickering or juggling divided attention even if the kids play together. Our only child was due to circumstances, not by choice, but now that we're a few years in there's a LOT of positives that are becoming more and more obvious. And her class is 1/4 - 1/3 only children, so they're not as uncommon as they used to be.

That said, if you'll regret it, then you should probably just go for it. We still feel like there's a piece of our family missing and that feeling is hard. Not everyone with an only feels that way, particularly if you made the decision not to have another, versus the decision being made for you. But whatever you do, ignore the one million questions/suggestions you're getting about having another. I got them too. They started around 1.5 years, peaked (they were really just constant) around 2-2.5 years old, and were pretty much done by 3.5. Some people are making conversation, some are genuinely trying to "help", and some are just nosy. Regardless, don't let external pressure guide your decision. It's your life and your family, and either way, you and your child will be just fine.

Thank you for sharing this. We are in the same boat but with a slightly younger kid. I think one of the hardest things is that I'm not really interested in having conversations with people about fertility stuff. The door is not 100% closed for us but the amount of money we'd have to throw at it to exhaust our options feels impossible, so instead we are shifting to thinking of our family as complete at one kid. But that's not how a lot of other people think about it. People seem to think it's very binary -- either you want another kid or you don't. But it's not that simple. We are happy with our family as it is, we love the idea of growing it bigger, we aren't sure how much more time and money we are willing to spend on making that happen, and in the end we might wind up in the same place. When people ask "are you going to have another?" or even "do you want another?" I wish they would realize that the answer is often not as simple as "yes" or "no".

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have one almost 5 year old and I will say life really is SO much easier at this point for us than literally everyone else we know with 2+. Part of it is the pandemic, but in general it's just easy and pleasant to have one "big" (meaning, out of the toddler/early preschool years) kid. I really don't know anyone with two kids that would say parenting is "easy and pleasant" at this point. We may spend more time playing with her, but it's much nicer to spend the evening taking turns making up and performing songs about loving your family than dealing with sibling bickering or juggling divided attention even if the kids play together. Our only child was due to circumstances, not by choice, but now that we're a few years in there's a LOT of positives that are becoming more and more obvious. And her class is 1/4 - 1/3 only children, so they're not as uncommon as they used to be.

That said, if you'll regret it, then you should probably just go for it. We still feel like there's a piece of our family missing and that feeling is hard. Not everyone with an only feels that way, particularly if you made the decision not to have another, versus the decision being made for you. But whatever you do, ignore the one million questions/suggestions you're getting about having another. I got them too. They started around 1.5 years, peaked (they were really just constant) around 2-2.5 years old, and were pretty much done by 3.5. Some people are making conversation, some are genuinely trying to "help", and some are just nosy. Regardless, don't let external pressure guide your decision. It's your life and your family, and either way, you and your child will be just fine.

Thank you for sharing this. We are in the same boat but with a slightly younger kid. I think one of the hardest things is that I'm not really interested in having conversations with people about fertility stuff. The door is not 100% closed for us but the amount of money we'd have to throw at it to exhaust our options feels impossible, so instead we are shifting to thinking of our family as complete at one kid. But that's not how a lot of other people think about it. People seem to think it's very binary -- either you want another kid or you don't. But it's not that simple. We are happy with our family as it is, we love the idea of growing it bigger, we aren't sure how much more time and money we are willing to spend on making that happen, and in the end we might wind up in the same place. When people ask "are you going to have another?" or even "do you want another?" I wish they would realize that the answer is often not as simple as "yes" or "no".

PP here again. I'm glad I could help! I totally understand what you mean by it not being binary. We're really conflicted too, but I DO know that the conflict is about what we (me and DH) want, not what my child wants or needs. And I think a lot of people just go for it without having to really sit and think through the choice like those of us who can't get pregnant the old fashioned way have to do. I will say that the fertility treatment process is a black hole of moving goal posts. I set firm limits going in about how much treatment I would do, and the farther you go, the more emotionally invested you get and the harder it is to walk away. But whatever you decide, please know that only child families are normal, and not uncommon. And you can and will be happy. You get to frame the narrative when you talk to your child - if you focus on how all families are different and how your family is THE BEST, then that's what your child will grow up knowing as their truth. And get on the floor and play and socialize them. TBH, it's been EASIER to do that with one during the pandemic because we don't have a second we had to put back in daycare and close friends are dying to have our kid over to entertain their kid(s). In a responsibly socially distant way of course. Anyways, happy to chat more on the IF board if you want to start a thread. Just wanted to make the point that we have a happy, loud, crazy, house full of laughter and silliness because we're happy, loud, silly people people, even if there are 3 of us instead of 4.

Anonymous wrote:You said you wanted convincing. If you want to be evolutionarily successful, 2 kids are a safer bet than 1.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You said you wanted convincing. If you want to be evolutionarily successful, 2 kids are a safer bet than 1.

+1

The more kids you have, the more likely you are to have grandkids. It's something to consider.

Anonymous wrote:Having 1 kid, in the time of covid, is greatly better than having 2! I realize there are others who will say "but isn't it sad they have no one to play with", but I will say back "isn't it great that we can afford to send them to in person private school"? And "Isn't it great that we can engage in some outside activities safely, without multiplying our risk of exposure from having to do so for all children?"

1 kid is hard. 2 is harder. If you're not loving the mom life, don't kid yourself that it will get better with more.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I wish you the best of luck in your decision. Here’s what I can tell you as the former mom of one and now a mom of more than one (my personal experience, anyway): that first baby is the game changer who turns your lives upside down and sends you from functional adult married people to tired and scrambling parent people. With that first kid, every moment is new and different and you are learning as you go, and it’s HARD. The first six weeks of my oldest’s life were the hardest weeks of my young child parenting years. And he remained a difficult baby through at least a year, as it was just who he was - but we were also inexperienced parents and hadn’t figured much out just yet.

We decided to have a second when our first was 15 months old (I too was in my 30s and felt time pressure). Our second baby didn’t feel like twice the work in any capacity (other than diapers I guess), because he was such a laid back little guy AND we already knew that parenting an infant would start hard but get easier. In my personal experience, the presence of a sibling for our first made parenting EASIER for me because my first child had a playmate. The boys are still, at ages 14 and 12, very close even though their personalities could not be more different. One is a nerdy brainiac with no athletic ability. The other is a goofball super athlete. These “types” of kids might not gravitate toward each other at school so in many ways they’ve taught one another about cross-social group acceptance. (I know it’s weird that I say that but I truly see it play out.) Our boys have an awesome bond and it’s something that gives me a lot of comfort. And, I will say that with “only” two kids, you can still divide and conquer with your spouse, or hand both over and it doesn’t feel like too much. Which brings me to....

the third child. Yep, we decided on another. In my experience, that third kid is where 2+1 somehow equaled 40 in terms of work and parental exhaustion. But we were “pros” by then and made it through. That said, I can certainly see why people call it at two and don’t make that leap, because man oh man, that’s where it felt exponential.

I truly wish you the best. There are pros and cons and VERY strong opinions about one versus more than one, and only you can decide what’s right for your family. If all else fails, consult the Magic 8 Ball (ask me how we decided on that last kid...just kidding.)

Anonymous wrote:I was in a similar position to OP, had one kid and was completely exhausted all the time and couldn't believe it when friends started to announce second pregnancies once their older kids turned one. My DH also used to travel alot (pre-COVID), so I was single parenting alot, and we don't have any family in the area to help. But as my DD got closer to two years, I saw how things might get easier - she can feed herself, entertain herself, and tell us what she wants. And worse case scenario I can park her in front of a screen if I really need to do something. I'm now pregnant with DD#2, they'll be a little less than 3 years apart. I'm hoping they'll still have some common interests and get along, but at the same time DD#1 will be potty trained and patient enough to understand when we need to take care of the baby, etc.

Also, a perspective from the other side. My sister and I are 8 years apart, and it's just the two of us. Growing up we didn't have anything in common (what can an 10 year old and an 18 year old have in common?) and I always felt like I was a second mom to her, and she felt the same. However, now that we're older (late 20s and 30s) I'm very thankful that I have someone else to help manage our parents. Otherwise all of their energy, questions, nagging would be falling on me, but at least now they have somewhere else to direct their energy. I know my DH feels the same, his father passed away suddenly two years ago and his sister (5 years older) has taken on the bulk of emotional care for their mom (they live about 1000 miles from us). Otherwise he would have felt alot of pressure for us to move or to move his mother closer to us. This is something I hear from my friends who are only children, it wasn't bad growing up, but now that they're older and their parents are aging they wish they had a sibling. Obviously there are no guarantees in life and the burden could still fall on one of your children.