Convince me to have more than 1

[Anonymous]

Honestly, OP, no one gives a rat',s behind whether you have another kid.

[Anonymous]

Given both your uncertainty and COVID making things so much harder than usual, I'd say table it for a year from now. It doesn't sound like you'll be crushed anyway if it doesn't work out then, from a fertility perspective.

I have a 17 month old and while we were considering a 3rd, her being a total handful plus COVID chaos and lack of school for the oldest has definitely put that plan on hold, possibly permanently. My mental plan is to forget about it until at least summer 2021 when we know if we got the vaccine, if schools have reopened, who is the next president, etc. If I turn out to be infertile then (very real possiblity), then it isn't mean to be and I'm okay with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, no one gives a rat',s behind whether you have another kid.

Then just move along, sourpuss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in a similar position to OP, had one kid and was completely exhausted all the time and couldn't believe it when friends started to announce second pregnancies once their older kids turned one. My DH also used to travel alot (pre-COVID), so I was single parenting alot, and we don't have any family in the area to help. But as my DD got closer to two years, I saw how things might get easier - she can feed herself, entertain herself, and tell us what she wants. And worse case scenario I can park her in front of a screen if I really need to do something. I'm now pregnant with DD#2, they'll be a little less than 3 years apart. I'm hoping they'll still have some common interests and get along, but at the same time DD#1 will be potty trained and patient enough to understand when we need to take care of the baby, etc.

Also, a perspective from the other side. My sister and I are 8 years apart, and it's just the two of us. Growing up we didn't have anything in common (what can an 10 year old and an 18 year old have in common?) and I always felt like I was a second mom to her, and she felt the same. However, now that we're older (late 20s and 30s) I'm very thankful that I have someone else to help manage our parents. Otherwise all of their energy, questions, nagging would be falling on me, but at least now they have somewhere else to direct their energy. I know my DH feels the same, his father passed away suddenly two years ago and his sister (5 years older) has taken on the bulk of emotional care for their mom (they live about 1000 miles from us). Otherwise he would have felt alot of pressure for us to move or to move his mother closer to us. This is something I hear from my friends who are only children, it wasn't bad growing up, but now that they're older and their parents are aging they wish they had a sibling. Obviously there are no guarantees in life and the burden could still fall on one of your children.

I’m an Only dealing with rapidly declining health of my aging parents. I’m so grateful that I’m an Only and I don’t have to add another person into this mix. I can make unilateral decisions without having to consult someone else. And I know so many families that have horrible experiences with siblings trying to deal with aging parents. From one sibling being dumped on to do all work (and still keep the other sibling informed, who usually feels like they have equal say in what gets done while doing none of the work), to siblings that have very different ideas on what to do.

So has dealing with this current crisis been difficult. YES! So much harder than I thought it was going to be. But grateful everyday that it’s just me.

Yup. I'm one of four and my husband is one of two, and having siblings is not making dealing with our aging parents easier. Siblings are no kind of guarantee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You said you wanted convincing. If you want to be evolutionarily successful, 2 kids are a safer bet than 1.

+1

The more kids you have, the more likely you are to have grandkids. It's something to consider.

Yes, have more kids so you can *probably* have grandkids. What a weird answer.

It also feels like a weird thing to say to someone who is contemplating having more children past the age of 35. If you have grandkids, its very possible that it will happen when you are very old. You have to factor that in. There's nothing wrong with this, but it may not be the kind of grandparent experience some people dream of.

One reason we stopped at one is because we had so little support from our families when we had our first. It made us realize how hard it is to have kids when you don't have family support, and we were reaching an age when providing that support for grandkids was going to become a lot harder. At least with one, if our child decides to have kids, we can offer whatever resources we have to those kids and not have to split them multiple families. And if we don't have grandkids, not a big deal. We'll just travel more and focus on maintaining a great relationship with our kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it if you're on the fence! I have 2 and love them both dearly but 2 is an entirely different lifestyle. With 1 you can maintain so much of your adult life...its so easy to keep one kid happy and botth parents can easily manage them. With 2 you are all in on the kids life, its not just 2 bodies to take care of but an entire dynamic between the two of them that makes each of them much harder to care for (the fighting!) and if you're doing whatever schedule/happy to keep one happy, the other is upset.

I've never heard of someone that stuck with one by chice and was unhappy with it

This is right. If OP doesn't have a burning desire for a second, then a pandemic is NOT the time to just go for it. Her first is barely 1, many people aren't ready for a second at that point, let alone under these circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want another child, don't have one. I have three, DH and I both wanted three, we love having three. But I would never in a million years try to convince someone to have a kid. It's obnoxious, and also ignores the many downsides of having kids.

Also 1 + 1 =/= 2, when it comes to having kids. The change in work feels exponential, not additive. I'm sure that stops at some point, but the change from one kid to two is substantial, at least IME.

I agree. Two is not “easier.” It is way more work than one. And also, kids don’t necessarily hang out together. You just have two sets of play dates, not one. And I say that with kids who get along great; they just don’t have a lot of common interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You said you wanted convincing. If you want to be evolutionarily successful, 2 kids are a safer bet than 1.

+1

The more kids you have, the more likely you are to have grandkids. It's something to consider.

Yes, have more kids so you can *probably* have grandkids. What a weird answer.

It also feels like a weird thing to say to someone who is contemplating having more children past the age of 35. If you have grandkids, its very possible that it will happen when you are very old. You have to factor that in. There's nothing wrong with this, but it may not be the kind of grandparent experience some people dream of.

One reason we stopped at one is because we had so little support from our families when we had our first. It made us realize how hard it is to have kids when you don't have family support, and we were reaching an age when providing that support for grandkids was going to become a lot harder. At least with one, if our child decides to have kids, we can offer whatever resources we have to those kids and not have to split them multiple families. And if we don't have grandkids, not a big deal. We'll just travel more and focus on maintaining a great relationship with our kid.

I agree that trying to think ahead to grandkids is not something to even consider. I’m the third child of parents who were “older” by the time I was born and both husband and I are “older” parents. Neither my parents or his parents were involved at all with our kids and I can’t see us necessarily even being alive and well by the time my kids have kids. And I’m fine with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks for the replies. I could have worded it better, as I don’t need “convincing” but someone to tell me it gets easier. I am someone with anxiety and the thought of pregnancy, covid, the stress of money and our relationship Makes me hesitant. DS has been such a good baby (Knock on wood), but DH and I are so exhausted I just can’t imagine when I’ll be ready again. But if a family or friend ask one more time “when are you having another” I may scream.

Take the Carolyn Hax approach - "Why do you ask?"
- mom to "one and done"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks for the replies. I could have worded it better, as I don’t need “convincing” but someone to tell me it gets easier. I am someone with anxiety and the thought of pregnancy, covid, the stress of money and our relationship Makes me hesitant. DS has been such a good baby (Knock on wood), but DH and I are so exhausted I just can’t imagine when I’ll be ready again. But if a family or friend ask one more time “when are you having another” I may scream.

OP, your one will get easier. It will start to feel notably easier somewhere between 3-4 probably depending on the kid. If you add a second, it will not only not get easier, it will get exponentially harder as a PP described. The language you're using to describe how you're feeling (anxiety, stress, so exhausted you can't imagine) is clear. Listen to yourself, you are not ready. That is fine. Please do not have another when you're feeling this way because friends and family are being rude jerks. Just say "when we're ready, which is not yet."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are so conflicted about having a second and I am feeling the pressure about it. Our DS is 15 months and all over the place. We are exhausted and COVID has obviously thrown a wrench in things. DH took a pay cut and money was tight with one in daycare to begin with. I am 37 so don’t want to wait much longer, but the thought of going through pregnancy, no sleep, struggling financially, and this maniac stage he is in, is making me think maybe 1 is for us. Is this normal? I don’t want to wait much longer but also don’t want to regret Not having a second. How do you decide?!

Fast forward - to your golden years. Grandchildren. Also, when you lose a parent, no one shares your memories once they’re gone —- unless you have at least one sibling.

[Anonymous]

Can't since that would make me a hypocrite. Very happy with my one.