Convince me to have more than 1

[Anonymous]

I say maybe next year, we’re not quite ready yet.

[Anonymous]

We have one almost 5 year old and I will say life really is SO much easier at this point for us than literally everyone else we know with 2+. Part of it is the pandemic, but in general it's just easy and pleasant to have one "big" (meaning, out of the toddler/early preschool years) kid. I really don't know anyone with two kids that would say parenting is "easy and pleasant" at this point. We may spend more time playing with her, but it's much nicer to spend the evening taking turns making up and performing songs about loving your family than dealing with sibling bickering or juggling divided attention even if the kids play together. Our only child was due to circumstances, not by choice, but now that we're a few years in there's a LOT of positives that are becoming more and more obvious. And her class is 1/4 - 1/3 only children, so they're not as uncommon as they used to be.

That said, if you'll regret it, then you should probably just go for it. We still feel like there's a piece of our family missing and that feeling is hard. Not everyone with an only feels that way, particularly if you made the decision not to have another, versus the decision being made for you. But whatever you do, ignore the one million questions/suggestions you're getting about having another. I got them too. They started around 1.5 years, peaked (they were really just constant) around 2-2.5 years old, and were pretty much done by 3.5. Some people are making conversation, some are genuinely trying to "help", and some are just nosy. Regardless, don't let external pressure guide your decision. It's your life and your family, and either way, you and your child will be just fine.

[Anonymous]

You’re on the fence. Revisit the question in 4-6 months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say maybe next year, we’re not quite ready yet.

Just keep saying that. Maybe you'll reach a point when you are ready. Maybe not. Or you can try saying you're not sure you want another and see what their response is. Sometimes people say pretty awful things about only children which honestly, furthered my desire to stop at one. No regrets.

[Anonymous]

You are the one who will be taking care of a second child and as you are already having difficulty with just one, as well as a major financial cut, why then, would you consider adding to your problems? Common sense says "no."

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:All your eggs being in one basket is very, very stressful. Everything became so much easier and laid back after I had a second child.

PP here - to add, when my parents were deciding, Dad said that he wanted to have either no kids or at least two. His aunt and uncle had lost their only child and it destroyed them.

That's some really strange logic.

Agree. Is PP essentially saying "an heir and a spare?"????

Not only that but losing a child is devastating, no matter how many children you have.

OP here: I've known multiple people who've lost a child.

It was awful for all of them. But the ones who had more than one did a lot better over the long term. The world ended for my great-uncle and great-aunt when their son died. It continued for my cousins after their youngest was killed.

As the involuntary parent of an only due to infertility and multiple miscarriages, this haunts me. But I just remind myself: I am all in. This is what being all in feels like. It’s the risk you take in being alive and loving.

But yes, it is my worst nightmare. That’s still not a good enough reason to have another child if you didn’t already want one, but it’s there.

[Anonymous]

Read Ross Douthat's chapter "Sterility" in his book The Decadent Society if you want arguments for having more kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read Ross Douthat's chapter "Sterility" in his book The Decadent Society if you want arguments for having more kids.

A little context for Douthat:
https://www.thenation.com/article/archive/go-your-womb-ross-douthat/
https://delong.typepad.com/sdj/2011/01/ross-douthat-on-the-shortage-of-white-babies.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here: I've known multiple people who've lost a child. ...

Er, sorry, I was a PP, not OP. I'm even less functional than usual late at night.

[Anonymous]

Don't make a lifelong decision because of a temporary period ("crazy" toddler). Yea, your life might be crazy for a few years, but then it'll calm down and you'll have two kids. Plus, your crazy toddler might really enjoy having a little sibling, and eventually they'll be able to play together. My 2nd baby (now 16 months) is way crazier than my first one, but he runs around and plays with my first (3.5) and it's a lot of fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't make a lifelong decision because of a temporary period ("crazy" toddler). Yea, your life might be crazy for a few years, but then it'll calm down and you'll have two kids. Plus, your crazy toddler might really enjoy having a little sibling, and eventually they'll be able to play together. My 2nd baby (now 16 months) is way crazier than my first one, but he runs around and plays with my first (3.5) and it's a lot of fun.

This is terrible logic and reinforces the default pressure that everyone has to have two. What if her two don't get along and she spends the next 18 years refereeing fights? Or one develops special needs and it never calms down Why should OP sign herself up for a second on the possibility that they could play together and it may calm down eventually? Reread the OP and imagine if she was deciding to go for a third, then would you say "ignore the financial pressure, exhaustion, COVID stress" and go for it because it may work out in a few years? She doesn't NEED another kid and her kid doesn't NEED a sibling. A financially secure, well balanced set of parents is light years more important than a sibling that they may play with in a few years.

We are exhausted and COVID has obviously thrown a wrench in things. DH took a pay cut and money was tight with one in daycare to begin with. I am 37 so don’t want to wait much longer, but the thought of going through pregnancy, no sleep, struggling financially, and this maniac stage he is in, is making me think maybe 1 is for us.

[Anonymous]

Yeah I can't in good conscience blindly convince you to have more than one. Maybe before the pandemic, I would have, but not now. I'm afraid for the future of our country.

Also, having 2 is a whole other level than having 1. 1 is adding a little one to your pair. 2 seems to make everything a family affair where the kids are louder, take up more space, take up more time, take up more energy, and use up more money than the adults. For some reason, when we had the 2nd, it didn't just double, it felt like it exponentially multiplied the amount of noise, laundry, toys, and exhaustion.

The upside is that maybe you'll get two personalities that get along well and so they can entertain each other. And they are a lot of fun when they're not being jerks. And some of the conversations the siblings have with each other just make me crack up so much. And well, honestly, I really can't imagine life without our 2nd. As exhausting and loud and mischievous as the 2nd one is, he's been so great for the older one in many ways and he worships the older, and I don't know what they would do without each other. And life would be very quiet and maybe we wouldn't laugh as much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it all depends on the personalities of the kids you get.

1 is a lot easier than 2, but there are exponentially more joys with 2.

Having 2 gave me perspective that I didn’t have with 1, and it’s amazing to see how different my kids are despite being raised in the same house.

I was on the fence with having my last one, but took the plunge when I thought I might regret not going for it. The tough (physically exhausting) part goes fast and tbh it was so much easier the 2nd time around since I had some confidence and knew what we were doing.

Agree with above. Especially the part about changing your perspective after seeing how different they can be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have one almost 5 year old and I will say life really is SO much easier at this point for us than literally everyone else we know with 2+. Part of it is the pandemic, but in general it's just easy and pleasant to have one "big" (meaning, out of the toddler/early preschool years) kid. I really don't know anyone with two kids that would say parenting is "easy and pleasant" at this point. We may spend more time playing with her, but it's much nicer to spend the evening taking turns making up and performing songs about loving your family than dealing with sibling bickering or juggling divided attention even if the kids play together. Our only child was due to circumstances, not by choice, but now that we're a few years in there's a LOT of positives that are becoming more and more obvious. And her class is 1/4 - 1/3 only children, so they're not as uncommon as they used to be.

That said, if you'll regret it, then you should probably just go for it. We still feel like there's a piece of our family missing and that feeling is hard. Not everyone with an only feels that way, particularly if you made the decision not to have another, versus the decision being made for you. But whatever you do, ignore the one million questions/suggestions you're getting about having another. I got them too. They started around 1.5 years, peaked (they were really just constant) around 2-2.5 years old, and were pretty much done by 3.5. Some people are making conversation, some are genuinely trying to "help", and some are just nosy. Regardless, don't let external pressure guide your decision. It's your life and your family, and either way, you and your child will be just fine.

Thank you for sharing this. We are in the same boat but with a slightly younger kid. I think one of the hardest things is that I'm not really interested in having conversations with people about fertility stuff. The door is not 100% closed for us but the amount of money we'd have to throw at it to exhaust our options feels impossible, so instead we are shifting to thinking of our family as complete at one kid. But that's not how a lot of other people think about it. People seem to think it's very binary -- either you want another kid or you don't. But it's not that simple. We are happy with our family as it is, we love the idea of growing it bigger, we aren't sure how much more time and money we are willing to spend on making that happen, and in the end we might wind up in the same place. When people ask "are you going to have another?" or even "do you want another?" I wish they would realize that the answer is often not as simple as "yes" or "no".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't make a lifelong decision because of a temporary period ("crazy" toddler). Yea, your life might be crazy for a few years, but then it'll calm down and you'll have two kids. Plus, your crazy toddler might really enjoy having a little sibling, and eventually they'll be able to play together. My 2nd baby (now 16 months) is way crazier than my first one, but he runs around and plays with my first (3.5) and it's a lot of fun.

Your kids are 3 and 1. You have no clue about the ultimate personalities they will have, the challenges they will (or won’t) face, or whether or not they will get long with each other or even you. You have no idea if OP’s life will “calm down.”