My single friend wants to be a mom
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Anonymous
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She will regret it. Why shouldn't she have children? Most of my friends are divorced and many I know put a lot of stress on their children. She won't have to worry about any of that. I knew 2 single women who were great mothers who had supportive friends etc. I don't see any reason why she shouldn't.
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Anonymous
| I made this decision at 39 -- and decided to go the route of adoption rather than ivf for a variety of reasons. One of the main reasons was my age and wondering if ivf would even be successful. I decided to put my resources into adoption. My DD is now 12 and I've pretty much done it all alone. No family nearby. Its very intense, particularly when the child is young. But I have no regrets. And no, I haven't really dated much since adopting my daughter. I suppose I "could" but my focus is just not there. |
Anonymous
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I am a single mother by choice. There are many in DC.
THE pro, if you are certain you want to be a parent, it is endlessly rewarding despite the (MANY) challenges. It took me three years of research and thinking, consulting doctors, talking it through with friends before I decided to pull the trigger. I didn't have a very easy road, but I started trying at 36 and had my child at 38. At 40, she may have to opt for donor eggs/embryos. She should see a doctor regardless to get an idea of where her fertility stands. HOWEVER: The part that jumps out at me is that she's never been in a relationship. There is a relentlessness to being a single parent (no matter how you end up that way) that might be a challenge if she doesn't connect and form deep bonds. If she has a high income, she can throw a ton of money at the logistics of parenting, so her inflexible schedule would present challenges, but would not be a deal breaker. But she won't get much out of parenting if she is bogged down emotionally by the utter lack of personal space, time, resources (financial, physical, mental, it goes on...) and with no family or close friends (do you consider yourself a close friend?), she really needs to see a therapist to talk through her motivations - which is part of the IVF process anyway. I have no family in this country and even my close friends are of ZERO real help with my child beyond planning occasional nights in or out to socialize. It is exhausting and financially draining. I'm loving it, but I am also wiped out. So back to that one big PRO: If she feels that she has an endless supply of love and patience and can handle the unrelenting neediness, she should definitely do it. It is hands down the best decision I've ever made. Incidentally, I did meet someone who turned out to be a long-term partner so it's certainly possible - if she has the disposition for it. |
Anonymous
| It's tough for sure, but your friend is not choosing between tough/not tough, she's choosing between tough/not at all. I think if you want a child, you make it work even when it's tough. |
Anonymous
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With IVF there will be a higher chance of multiples. Is your friend prepared to parent multiples or would she choose to selectively reduce?
I have a friend from high school in somewhat similar circumstances. In her late 30's and was not in a relationship but knew she wanted to be a mom and worried about getting older... She had IVF with sperm donation and conceived triplets. She was carrying all 3 but sadly one died in the womb, so only two babies were born. In her situation, her mom was local and extremely helpful; I think the mom actually moved in with her full time for the first year or so. My friend is a teacher, so her job schedule is more conducive to parenting (off during school breaks and such.) |
Anonymous
NP: you need to work on your comprehension skills. |
Anonymous
Agreed. At her age, she really does not have the luxury of waiting, as her fertility is likely to have started declining. She has the rest of her life to find a partner, but there's definitely a short window of opportunity for her to have a child. |
Anonymous
They don't really put multiple embryos in anymore. |
MayaJ
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| Does she have or could she afford an extra bedroom for an au pair or a live-in? It would be a lot more manageable that way given her career and the lack of family help. |
Anonymous
Yeah, I don't think the PP understands IVF. You just transfer one embryo at a time if you don't want twins, etc. (Embryos can always split, but that's a risk with any pregnancy.) |
Anonymous
+1 The part that jumped out was she's never been in a serious relationship, meaning she has not had to practice a lot of patience, compromise, sharing space or doing something she doesn't prefer with someone else. A child in his/early years is relentlessly needy and takes so much out of the parent physicallybut also emotionally. You can call in sick for your day job but being a mom, you're at the back and call of your infant/toddler/preschooler's needs 24/7, 365 days. Is she ready to give up a lot of control to be a responsive parent? Parenting is rewarding and my two young kids are the love of my life, but it takes so much sacrifice and compromise (your time, money, your freedom and such). |
Anonymous
| Why has your friend never been in a relationship at age 40? Is she a perfectionist who only wants to date the perfect man? Is she very self centered? Does she have common sense? Is she idealizing motherhood? |
Anonymous
Maybe it was IVI and not IVF. I went with my single friend to the IVI clinic. The pictures clients had sent in were mostly twins, followed by many triplets and a few with just one dotted here and there. Procedure was done and they told her the odds were good as she had three eggs good to go. She kept repeating all the way home " Three eggs? Three eggs. Three! I'm going to need a mini van!!" She ended up pregnant with twins, but lost one early on. A few years later she had another by IVI and donor sperm. |
Anonymous
+1 No risk of an Octomom scenario. |
Anonymous
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Op here. I know it is none of my business, but I just want to be a good friend to see if I can be of any helps of any sort. My 2 kid are young (1 baby & 1 toddler), so I can be her emergency sitter backup/date night backup if needed. I can always share childcare knowledge/experiences since we live nearby.
She has good career & she earns decent money. Her family (live across the country) are rich, and there are many real estates, trusts & stocks are put under her name. She does not necessarily need to work for life but she wants to work to provide for herself. She has high education background, & her financial is definitely not a problem. I don't want to guess why she has not been in relationship, but I know that she is not willing to find any random guy to just get married. All I know is that if she wants, there's arranged marriage back home if she wants. I'm sure she would be a wonderful mother because she has great caring character with great patience. She is good with kids. It is good to know that there's support groups out there, and I will pass her information. And, thanks pp of suggesting IUI because I only hear of ivf. And, she only wants 1 kid only. Thank you! |