My single friend wants to be a mom

[Anonymous]

My single friend, 40, has never been in any relationship, and she has been thinking of doing ivf (w sperm donor) to be a mother. She lives by herself, and she has no family nearby. She has a professional career, but her work schedule is not flexible. She has been hoping for getting into a relationship/getting married for past years, but for whatever reason, it never works out. I think it gets to the point that she thinks there's a chance she would be single forever, and she wants a child of her own no matter what. She is still hesitating because she knows being a single mom is tough, and she does not know if she can do this by myself with no family support nearby. She is worried about daycare, her work schedule, money, relationship, etc.. She tells me that once she decides to do it, she would stop looking for any possible relationship. Her mentality is that if she cannot find one when she is single, how could that be possible of if when is a single mom. Her family lives across the country, and she is not sure if her retired mom would come to live her for a bit to help with pregnancy/transition. Her family has some fortune, but she is the type of person not wanting financial help from family till that last straw. Her family seem to support her.

I am a mother of 2 kids, but I don't know any single mom by choice. Even my DH is not that helpful/handy, he helps financially to support to put 2 kids in daycare with his salary, taking pto when kids are sick, lending me a hand when I am in need, dropping off kids at daycare, and entertaining kids when I am dying or sick etc.. And, my family lives local to help me all the time with babysitting. My friend is still struggling to make the final choice to pull the trigger or not to do ivf, and I cannot help her with decisions. However, anything I can tell her the pros/cons/advice that can help her to make the right decision? She is afraid that she may regret if she never has her own child. And, how long & how much does it costs to do a success ivf (with sperm donor)? Anyone has been there? I assume she is psychically healthy, is there any pre-requirement for woman doing ivf without infertility issue?

[Anonymous]

As someone with less than average information about being a single mom by choice, you probably aren't the right person to give her advice. Just listen to her and tell her the ways that you can support her if she does have a child. There are a lot of facebook support groups for single moms by choice and she may also be able to find a group in her area.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, MYOB. If she wants to make it work, she will.

[Anonymous]

There are counselors who specialize in this field, and who she will be required to consult if she is using a sperm donor. Maybe she would like to set up some appointments with someone like that.

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine did this at 39. Her kid is now almost 2.

It hasn't always been easy - but neither is it always easy with two parents. She doesn't regret it at all. She wanted to be a mother and she made it happen.

She did have some help from family, especially in the early months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are counselors who specialize in this field, and who she will be required to consult if she is using a sperm donor. Maybe she would like to set up some appointments with someone like that.

This is a good idea, OP. Also, there are likely fb groups and similar who can help her as well.

[Anonymous]

or "listen to her and in addition to telling her the way that you can support her, also manage expectations"...while it's lovely for you to help and you clearly care about her, it sounds like she is not in a good position to have a child and she needs to figure out things like childcare for herself, not hope that her mom might move here, or hope that family money will kick in, or hope that a dear friend will end up being her back-up plan. With a family of your own, you are not likely the best person to to be a "first time mom at 40"'s backup plan.

[Anonymous]

I'm a single mother by choice to 2 kids. Only my dad is alive and he needs my help rather than being able to assist me. My siblings are not local.

The biggest consideration for me was finances. Can you friend afford the life she would like for her and her child(ren) on her current salary? She should consider the costs of life insurance if she were to pass away and who would take care of the kids.

Does she know she needs IVF? I was successful with IUI and clomid both times. I was 35 and 38 when I did it. For me, insurance covered the cost of the IUI and the medications. My only out of pocket costs were the purchase of the sperm and the co-pay at the hospital.

Otherwise, having a kid on your own is no big deal. My neighbor also did it and she is an elementary school teacher in a different district than our kids attend. She has no flexibility in her job and works during the summers as well.

When you are a SMBC you just make it work. You build a community of friends---and you help each other out. I would have regretted not having my kids. Often I feel very lucky that I don't have expectations from someone else. If I'm sick, I'm not counting on someone to help me out. I know that I have to manage. I know how to call uber eats and have take out delivered. I know how to text a friend and ask them to bring the kids home from daycare. I don't have to consult with anyone else about how I raise the kids, what camps to enroll them in, at school meetings, I don't have to work with anyones schedule but my own. In a lot of ways, its very nice.

The biggest consideration really is finances. But that's true for any family deciding to have kids. Can you support another person? Can you pay for or help with college? Do you have the emotional availability to go to work and then make dinner and help with homework?

[Anonymous]

There are some single by choice moms who thrive and do very well, and there are some who struggle mightily. So many different reasons why, but a good support network and stable finances are going to be the bare minimum.

Hear your friend out, but don't get sucked into helping her make decisions that really need to be just up to her in the end.

[Anonymous]

I'm a 40-something SMC with two kids (upper elementary now) and no family nearby. It's definitely possible. She should make an appt with an RE to discuss her options. IVF may not even be necessary. If I could do anything differently, it would be to start much earlier than I did. I delayed, in part, due to well-meaning married-with-kids friends who were very negative about single parenthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone with less than average information about being a single mom by choice, you probably aren't the right person to give her advice. Just listen to her and tell her the ways that you can support her if she does have a child. There are a lot of facebook support groups for single moms by choice and she may also be able to find a group in her area.

This

Fwiw, I know two single moms by choice. Both moved to be closer to family. And another older one who adopted and has built a community/family in a city with I think family nearby.
I know two single dads by choice. Both happen to be gay. One has been partnered for like 12 ish years and had at least one ( or both) of his kids before meeting his partner. It does happen for sure , although like many things when people least expect it.

Just be a supportive friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My single friend, 40, has never been in any relationship, and she has been thinking of doing ivf (w sperm donor) to be a mother. She lives by herself, and she has no family nearby. She has a professional career, but her work schedule is not flexible. She has been hoping for getting into a relationship/getting married for past years, but for whatever reason, it never works out. I think it gets to the point that she thinks there's a chance she would be single forever, and she wants a child of her own no matter what. She is still hesitating because she knows being a single mom is tough, and she does not know if she can do this by myself with no family support nearby. She is worried about daycare, her work schedule, money, relationship, etc.. She tells me that once she decides to do it, she would stop looking for any possible relationship. Her mentality is that if she cannot find one when she is single, how could that be possible of if when is a single mom. Her family lives across the country, and she is not sure if her retired mom would come to live her for a bit to help with pregnancy/transition. Her family has some fortune, but she is the type of person not wanting financial help from family till that last straw. Her family seem to support her.

I am a mother of 2 kids, but I don't know any single mom by choice. Even my DH is not that helpful/handy, he helps financially to support to put 2 kids in daycare with his salary, taking pto when kids are sick, lending me a hand when I am in need, dropping off kids at daycare, and entertaining kids when I am dying or sick etc.. And, my family lives local to help me all the time with babysitting. My friend is still struggling to make the final choice to pull the trigger or not to do ivf, and I cannot help her with decisions. However, anything I can tell her the pros/cons/advice that can help her to make the right decision? She is afraid that she may regret if she never has her own child. And, how long & how much does it costs to do a success ivf (with sperm donor)? Anyone has been there? I assume she is psychically healthy, is there any pre-requirement for woman doing ivf without infertility issue?

She should adopt a child, not have one by artificial means.

[Anonymous]

Tell her to try. It’s completely doable for an older competent professional, esp in a metro area where there are resources. I know a few in DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My single friend, 40, has never been in any relationship, and she has been thinking of doing ivf (w sperm donor) to be a mother. She lives by herself, and she has no family nearby. She has a professional career, but her work schedule is not flexible. She has been hoping for getting into a relationship/getting married for past years, but for whatever reason, it never works out. I think it gets to the point that she thinks there's a chance she would be single forever, and she wants a child of her own no matter what. She is still hesitating because she knows being a single mom is tough, and she does not know if she can do this by myself with no family support nearby. She is worried about daycare, her work schedule, money, relationship, etc.. She tells me that once she decides to do it, she would stop looking for any possible relationship. Her mentality is that if she cannot find one when she is single, how could that be possible of if when is a single mom. Her family lives across the country, and she is not sure if her retired mom would come to live her for a bit to help with pregnancy/transition. Her family has some fortune, but she is the type of person not wanting financial help from family till that last straw. Her family seem to support her.

I am a mother of 2 kids, but I don't know any single mom by choice. Even my DH is not that helpful/handy, he helps financially to support to put 2 kids in daycare with his salary, taking pto when kids are sick, lending me a hand when I am in need, dropping off kids at daycare, and entertaining kids when I am dying or sick etc.. And, my family lives local to help me all the time with babysitting. My friend is still struggling to make the final choice to pull the trigger or not to do ivf, and I cannot help her with decisions. However, anything I can tell her the pros/cons/advice that can help her to make the right decision? She is afraid that she may regret if she never has her own child. And, how long & how much does it costs to do a success ivf (with sperm donor)? Anyone has been there? I assume she is psychically healthy, is there any pre-requirement for woman doing ivf without infertility issue?

She should adopt a child, not have one by artificial means.

There’s no credible argument that she should adopt over having her own (by ivf or otherwise) that doesn’t apply equally to every biological mom on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone with less than average information about being a single mom by choice, you probably aren't the right person to give her advice. Just listen to her and tell her the ways that you can support her if she does have a child. There are a lot of facebook support groups for single moms by choice and she may also be able to find a group in her area.

I disagree with this. OP has kids and knows the challenges associated with having them. While OP may not be able to present answers for these challenges OP's friend should consider them and seek guidance from other sources on how she will address them.