My single friend wants to be a mom

[Anonymous]

18:12 - most stuff isn't so essential that you'd have to refill it in the middle of the night. If you run out of toothpaste, you probably have a dentist office sample somewhere in your travel bag. Kleenex is a good substitute for toilet paper. (or fast food napkins in a pinch.) Or you just skip brushing your teeth and you floss/rinse and call it a day, then restock the next day.

And sometimes you just have to throw the kid in their baby carrier and take them out with you, even if it's not ideal.

[Anonymous]

Has your friend kept your children for a week or so? I "know" your friend through my own life and choices. I would suggest she find resources for support. There are groups. Choice Moms, I think..if she googles that. I am not sure if you quoted her or wrote something. There was a slip from She to I for a moment in your post.

I know one friend like yours who now has a dog. Not trying to be funny, but I think given how overwhelming parenting can be...it isn't a bad idea.

If she decides to go it along, she will learn who her village is and how fragile it is given everyone is so busy. And family is so far away. The family far away thing is really really really hard.

I'd suggest she talk to someone about co-parenting...male or female...get some co-parent aunties on board if she cans. Or perhaps other single parents that can use support too.

Does she have space in her home for a kid? Does she live in an area where her feeder school is one she would be happy with? What will she do when she is sick? What is she, during pregnancy, has to have several weeks of bedrest? What about if she were to get sick--who would be the baby's guardian if she were to die?

the most difficult thing is childcare costs and for the first 8 - 10 years, you can do NOTHING without figuring that out. No vacations, no conferences, no sick days for kid...life kind of becomes difficult. and if she ever gets the flu or whatever, what about kiddo?

There are places, if IVF & sperm donor is too expensive, that she can find sperm donors online. It isn't perfect...or 100% safe, but it is an alternative way to try to conceive.

it will be the toughest job...and hopefully she will love it. but it will try her in ways she may never have imagined. and if she has a child with special needs, that is a whole other layer. And just FYI...special needs can be diagnosed or known at birth or just be very challenging and undiagnosed. The cholicky baby that cries all the time and has allergies to lots of things and is socially very difficult, has strong emotional needs, etc. Love is amazing and parenting is amazing. But it is a box of chocolates...even when everything goes 'right.'

good luck to her!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My single friend, 40, has never been in any relationship, and she has been thinking of doing ivf (w sperm donor) to be a mother. She lives by herself, and she has no family nearby. She has a professional career, but her work schedule is not flexible. She has been hoping for getting into a relationship/getting married for past years, but for whatever reason, it never works out. I think it gets to the point that she thinks there's a chance she would be single forever, and she wants a child of her own no matter what. She is still hesitating because she knows being a single mom is tough, and she does not know if she can do this by myself with no family support nearby. She is worried about daycare, her work schedule, money, relationship, etc.. She tells me that once she decides to do it, she would stop looking for any possible relationship. Her mentality is that if she cannot find one when she is single, how could that be possible of if when is a single mom. Her family lives across the country, and she is not sure if her retired mom would come to live her for a bit to help with pregnancy/transition. Her family has some fortune, but she is the type of person not wanting financial help from family till that last straw. Her family seem to support her.

I am a mother of 2 kids, but I don't know any single mom by choice. Even my DH is not that helpful/handy, he helps financially to support to put 2 kids in daycare with his salary, taking pto when kids are sick, lending me a hand when I am in need, dropping off kids at daycare, and entertaining kids when I am dying or sick etc.. And, my family lives local to help me all the time with babysitting. My friend is still struggling to make the final choice to pull the trigger or not to do ivf, and I cannot help her with decisions. However, anything I can tell her the pros/cons/advice that can help her to make the right decision? She is afraid that she may regret if she never has her own child. And, how long & how much does it costs to do a success ivf (with sperm donor)? Anyone has been there? I assume she is psychically healthy, is there any pre-requirement for woman doing ivf without infertility issue?

She should adopt a child, not have one by artificial means.

There’s no credible argument that she should adopt over having her own (by ivf or otherwise) that doesn’t apply equally to every biological mom on DCUM.

YES! Why should she adopt? And truth be told, adoption is EXPENSIVE! The most affordable option is conceiving naturally if you want to be a parent in the US.

[Anonymous]

unless, like many of us adopters, you are not interested in pregnancy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our neighbor did this last year, and ended up having twins. She was 50 without any family nearby. She ended up selling the house and moving to a lower cost of living area. Miraculously she was also able to change her job to 100% telecommuting and keep it.

She seems happy, but I really wonder about the finances. I also wonder what will happen when it is time for the kids to go to college, and she is approaching her 70s. I think if you want to do it, doing it closer to 40 would be a much better idea.

To be fair, most American families will have similar financial concerns.

[Anonymous]

Another Choice Mom here to a 9 year old. No family locally- just "framily". No regrets, and studies show that kids who are part of Choice families are thriving and doing well.

My child knows above all that he was wanted and is treasured.

Parenting today is hard, no matter how you do it. As others pointed out, it can be easier to have only one decision maker. What's needed is flexibility and creativity in making financing and careers and school all have the attention needed in a 24 hour day.

Previously married, all I think that taught me was self respect and to have standards. Plenty examples of happy couples for my kid to see from grandparents (together six decades) to godfathers (together for 10 years.) As well as those cases where kids were "oops" or the pawn between warring divorced parents.

I wish her well, read, learn from others- but each of us forges a unique path.

[Anonymous]

I love being a Single Mom by Choice I would not want to negotiate every d*mn decision with a partner. I love having boyfriends, and I love that my daughter sees me having a fun dating life. She sees an independent mom and woman. I adopted her at 9 months; she is now 8 and I am 46.

There is a huge network of Single Moms by Choice. Be sure to get in touch with a local chapter. I swap babysitting with several members.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has your friend kept your children for a week or so? I "know" your friend through my own life and choices. I would suggest she find resources for support. There are groups. Choice Moms, I think..if she googles that. I am not sure if you quoted her or wrote something. There was a slip from She to I for a moment in your post.

I know one friend like yours who now has a dog. Not trying to be funny, but I think given how overwhelming parenting can be...it isn't a bad idea.

If she decides to go it along, she will learn who her village is and how fragile it is given everyone is so busy. And family is so far away. The family far away thing is really really really hard.

I'd suggest she talk to someone about co-parenting...male or female...get some co-parent aunties on board if she cans. Or perhaps other single parents that can use support too.

Does she have space in her home for a kid? Does she live in an area where her feeder school is one she would be happy with? What will she do when she is sick? What is she, during pregnancy, has to have several weeks of bedrest? What about if she were to get sick--who would be the baby's guardian if she were to die?

the most difficult thing is childcare costs and for the first 8 - 10 years, you can do NOTHING without figuring that out. No vacations, no conferences, no sick days for kid...life kind of becomes difficult. and if she ever gets the flu or whatever, what about kiddo?

There are places, if IVF & sperm donor is too expensive, that she can find sperm donors online. It isn't perfect...or 100% safe, but it is an alternative way to try to conceive.

it will be the toughest job...and hopefully she will love it. but it will try her in ways she may never have imagined. and if she has a child with special needs, that is a whole other layer. And just FYI...special needs can be diagnosed or known at birth or just be very challenging and undiagnosed. The cholicky baby that cries all the time and has allergies to lots of things and is socially very difficult, has strong emotional needs, etc. Love is amazing and parenting is amazing. But it is a box of chocolates...even when everything goes 'right.'

good luck to her!

What in the actual f. Having a dog is not a substitute for having a child and how dare you even suggest that it is. What a disservice to the entire human race.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love being a Single Mom by Choice I would not want to negotiate every d*mn decision with a partner. I love having boyfriends, and I love that my daughter sees me having a fun dating life. She sees an independent mom and woman. I adopted her at 9 months; she is now 8 and I am 46.

There is a huge network of Single Moms by Choice. Be sure to get in touch with a local chapter. I swap babysitting with several members.

You love that your kid sees you going out with a lot of different men? Wow. Talk about an unstable home environment.

[Anonymous]

Tell her to find a nice guy and get married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love being a Single Mom by Choice I would not want to negotiate every d*mn decision with a partner. I love having boyfriends, and I love that my daughter sees me having a fun dating life. She sees an independent mom and woman. I adopted her at 9 months; she is now 8 and I am 46.

There is a huge network of Single Moms by Choice. Be sure to get in touch with a local chapter. I swap babysitting with several members.

You love that your kid sees you going out with a lot of different men? Wow. Talk about an unstable home environment.

guess you don't get laid much?

[Anonymous]

Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

I did it on my own (father lives in another state) late in life and all kinds of bad things have happened but I have risen to the occasion, built a village, and in general been a bad ass great mother of a wonderful and sweet DC. I worry I'll get COVID and die, but do not regret doing this on my own.

[Anonymous]

Really dumb idea.

[Anonymous]

If OP is in the DC area there is a large Single Mom by Choice network. The first thing I did was join when i started contemplating. 1.5 years later I brought home my daughter. I have a network of wonderful moms now.