My single friend wants to be a mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's tough for sure, but your friend is not choosing between tough/not tough, she's choosing between tough/not at all. I think if you want a child, you make it work even when it's tough.

plus 1. Great post!

==Adoptive mom, single

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My single friend, 40, has never been in any relationship, and she has been thinking of doing ivf (w sperm donor) to be a mother. She lives by herself, and she has no family nearby. She has a professional career, but her work schedule is not flexible. She has been hoping for getting into a relationship/getting married for past years, but for whatever reason, it never works out. I think it gets to the point that she thinks there's a chance she would be single forever, and she wants a child of her own no matter what. She is still hesitating because she knows being a single mom is tough, and she does not know if she can do this by myself with no family support nearby. She is worried about daycare, her work schedule, money, relationship, etc.. She tells me that once she decides to do it, she would stop looking for any possible relationship. Her mentality is that if she cannot find one when she is single, how could that be possible of if when is a single mom. Her family lives across the country, and she is not sure if her retired mom would come to live her for a bit to help with pregnancy/transition. Her family has some fortune, but she is the type of person not wanting financial help from family till that last straw. Her family seem to support her.

I am a mother of 2 kids, but I don't know any single mom by choice. Even my DH is not that helpful/handy, he helps financially to support to put 2 kids in daycare with his salary, taking pto when kids are sick, lending me a hand when I am in need, dropping off kids at daycare, and entertaining kids when I am dying or sick etc.. And, my family lives local to help me all the time with babysitting. My friend is still struggling to make the final choice to pull the trigger or not to do ivf, and I cannot help her with decisions. However, anything I can tell her the pros/cons/advice that can help her to make the right decision? She is afraid that she may regret if she never has her own child. And, how long & how much does it costs to do a success ivf (with sperm donor)? Anyone has been there? I assume she is psychically healthy, is there any pre-requirement for woman doing ivf without infertility issue?

She should adopt a child, not have one by artificial means.

You have no idea how difficult it is to adopt, especially as a single person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I know it is none of my business, but I just want to be a good friend to see if I can be of any helps of any sort. My 2 kid are young (1 baby & 1 toddler), so I can be her emergency sitter backup/date night backup if needed. I can always share childcare knowledge/experiences since we live nearby.

She has good career & she earns decent money. Her family (live across the country) are rich, and there are many real estates, trusts & stocks are put under her name. She does not necessarily need to work for life but she wants to work to provide for herself. She has high education background, & her financial is definitely not a problem. I don't want to guess why she has not been in relationship, but I know that she is not willing to find any random guy to just get married. All I know is that if she wants, there's arranged marriage back home if she wants.

I'm sure she would be a wonderful mother because she has great caring character with great patience. She is good with kids. It is good to know that there's support groups out there, and I will pass her information. And, thanks pp of suggesting IUI because I only hear of ivf. And, she only wants 1 kid only. Thank you!

Of course she should. Sounds like she has more going on than many married people. I've seen many married men that do little with the kids, or household chores. One I know divorced him, now he has the live in gf do it all. Just because she doesn't need a man in her life doesn't negate her as a great parent. The blended family has never worked for kids, she won't have to worry about that. She can easily get a support system in place like most other mothers have to do.

[Anonymous]

If I were your friend, I would first think about moving someplace with a support system that isn't just you (no offense, but another friend with two small kids of her own isn't going to be the kind of help she needs.)

[Anonymous]

Perhaps slightly off topic but I was reading an article recently in the WSJ about various apps designed to put co-parents together. In other words, the focus of these matching services is to find people that will co-parent well together rather than people seeking an intimate relationship together. Maybe something out of the box to consider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My single friend, 40, has never been in any relationship, and she has been thinking of doing ivf (w sperm donor) to be a mother. She lives by herself, and she has no family nearby. She has a professional career, but her work schedule is not flexible. She has been hoping for getting into a relationship/getting married for past years, but for whatever reason, it never works out. I think it gets to the point that she thinks there's a chance she would be single forever, and she wants a child of her own no matter what. She is still hesitating because she knows being a single mom is tough, and she does not know if she can do this by myself with no family support nearby. She is worried about daycare, her work schedule, money, relationship, etc.. She tells me that once she decides to do it, she would stop looking for any possible relationship. Her mentality is that if she cannot find one when she is single, how could that be possible of if when is a single mom. Her family lives across the country, and she is not sure if her retired mom would come to live her for a bit to help with pregnancy/transition. Her family has some fortune, but she is the type of person not wanting financial help from family till that last straw. Her family seem to support her.

I am a mother of 2 kids, but I don't know any single mom by choice. Even my DH is not that helpful/handy, he helps financially to support to put 2 kids in daycare with his salary, taking pto when kids are sick, lending me a hand when I am in need, dropping off kids at daycare, and entertaining kids when I am dying or sick etc.. And, my family lives local to help me all the time with babysitting. My friend is still struggling to make the final choice to pull the trigger or not to do ivf, and I cannot help her with decisions. However, anything I can tell her the pros/cons/advice that can help her to make the right decision? She is afraid that she may regret if she never has her own child. And, how long & how much does it costs to do a success ivf (with sperm donor)? Anyone has been there? I assume she is psychically healthy, is there any pre-requirement for woman doing ivf without infertility issue?

She should adopt a child, not have one by artificial means.

Wow. You don't know the woman, but think you have the right to dictate her child bearing options.

[Anonymous]

This organization has great resources to people making this difficult decision.

https://www.singlemothersbychoice.org/

When I was a "thinker" (one of their categories of members= people who are thinking about becoming a single parent but have not decided yet) I went to local SMC meetings. It was great to meet other women deciding what to do. They had speakers, like a lawyer who discussed wills/guardianship, etc. Then when I became a parent, I could learn from others who had done it by themselves We went to playdates at each other's houses, trips to the zoo, etc.

Note that my daughter is now 20 and I cannot imagine my life without her. Becoming a parent was the best (and scariest) decision I ever made.

If you adopt, like I did, the agency/social worker carries out an in-depth study to ensure that you are up to the task (medically, psychologically, financially,i etc). That is one real advantage, for the child, over coming into a family through birth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My single friend, 40, has never been in any relationship, and she has been thinking of doing ivf (w sperm donor) to be a mother. She lives by herself, and she has no family nearby. She has a professional career, but her work schedule is not flexible. She has been hoping for getting into a relationship/getting married for past years, but for whatever reason, it never works out. I think it gets to the point that she thinks there's a chance she would be single forever, and she wants a child of her own no matter what. She is still hesitating because she knows being a single mom is tough, and she does not know if she can do this by myself with no family support nearby. She is worried about daycare, her work schedule, money, relationship, etc.. She tells me that once she decides to do it, she would stop looking for any possible relationship. Her mentality is that if she cannot find one when she is single, how could that be possible of if when is a single mom. Her family lives across the country, and she is not sure if her retired mom would come to live her for a bit to help with pregnancy/transition. Her family has some fortune, but she is the type of person not wanting financial help from family till that last straw. Her family seem to support her.

I am a mother of 2 kids, but I don't know any single mom by choice. Even my DH is not that helpful/handy, he helps financially to support to put 2 kids in daycare with his salary, taking pto when kids are sick, lending me a hand when I am in need, dropping off kids at daycare, and entertaining kids when I am dying or sick etc.. And, my family lives local to help me all the time with babysitting. My friend is still struggling to make the final choice to pull the trigger or not to do ivf, and I cannot help her with decisions. However, anything I can tell her the pros/cons/advice that can help her to make the right decision? She is afraid that she may regret if she never has her own child. And, how long & how much does it costs to do a success ivf (with sperm donor)? Anyone has been there? I assume she is psychically healthy, is there any pre-requirement for woman doing ivf without infertility issue?

She should adopt a child, not have one by artificial means.

There’s no credible argument that she should adopt over having her own (by ivf or otherwise) that doesn’t apply equally to every biological mom on DCUM.

Except the sperm is from some strange sue who is tall with a full head of hair.

[Anonymous]

She has "an arranged marriage" waiting for her "back home" if she ever wants it, OP?

That sounds like her family are fairly conservative and recent immigrants. Is her family likely to ostracize her is she gets pregnant with no husband? Will they cut her off from her financial items in her name?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My single friend, 40, has never been in any relationship, and she has been thinking of doing ivf (w sperm donor) to be a mother. She lives by herself, and she has no family nearby. She has a professional career, but her work schedule is not flexible. She has been hoping for getting into a relationship/getting married for past years, but for whatever reason, it never works out. I think it gets to the point that she thinks there's a chance she would be single forever, and she wants a child of her own no matter what. She is still hesitating because she knows being a single mom is tough, and she does not know if she can do this by myself with no family support nearby. She is worried about daycare, her work schedule, money, relationship, etc.. She tells me that once she decides to do it, she would stop looking for any possible relationship. Her mentality is that if she cannot find one when she is single, how could that be possible of if when is a single mom. Her family lives across the country, and she is not sure if her retired mom would come to live her for a bit to help with pregnancy/transition. Her family has some fortune, but she is the type of person not wanting financial help from family till that last straw. Her family seem to support her.

I am a mother of 2 kids, but I don't know any single mom by choice. Even my DH is not that helpful/handy, he helps financially to support to put 2 kids in daycare with his salary, taking pto when kids are sick, lending me a hand when I am in need, dropping off kids at daycare, and entertaining kids when I am dying or sick etc.. And, my family lives local to help me all the time with babysitting. My friend is still struggling to make the final choice to pull the trigger or not to do ivf, and I cannot help her with decisions. However, anything I can tell her the pros/cons/advice that can help her to make the right decision? She is afraid that she may regret if she never has her own child. And, how long & how much does it costs to do a success ivf (with sperm donor)? Anyone has been there? I assume she is psychically healthy, is there any pre-requirement for woman doing ivf without infertility issue?

She should adopt a child, not have one by artificial means.

There’s no credible argument that she should adopt over having her own (by ivf or otherwise) that doesn’t apply equally to every biological mom on DCUM.

NP. You've got to be kidding that you don't think it's extremely selfish for someone to try to have a child when they have no partner, no family, and intend to keep up a heavy work schedule. At 40 years old, no less, assuming it can happen immediately. That's basically choosing to bring a child into the world with the intention to let "the system" raise it. That is NOT in the best interests of the child.

I have no problems with a committed partnership choosing to have children through artificial means, or a single parent having a child if they have a loving extended family who is willing to also support the child, or even a single parent without a family if she has the financial means and intention of taking a lot of time off work and really raising that child. But you can't just go out of your way to have a child at 40 where you are the child's only family and you don't intend to be around much anyway.

People should have children only when they think they can provide the child with a great life, not because they have psychological issues and regrets about their life choices and are in the middle of a mid-life crisis.

OP, your friend needs a therapist, not a child.

I agree with PP above. I know someone who did this. The lack of ... whatever ... that led to no relationships also led to extreme loneliness even with child. It was misery. Also she is older which will make it harder. She needs a dog and a therapist not s child. But giving advice about this may end your friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let her take care of your kids for a week completely on her own
She will realize what a truly stupid idea this is.

HAHA so true!

[Anonymous]

I'm a single mom (not really by choice) and I have a number of friends who are single moms by choice.

1 - if she has enough money, she can make this work. If she has room for an au pair, that might be the best option. If not, she'll need to look for a nearby daycare that has good hours. (ours were 7-6.)
2 - she's not wrong about dating. Unless she is very attractive, it will in fact be harder to date after a kid. The few single moms I know who have found real partners are either super hot (so guys ignore the potential deal breaker in the room) or they approach dating like a job. (which means you have to prioritize dating over time with your kids, often.) I don't generally have much time to date between my full time job and my kid-related volunteer commitments and time spent with her.
3 - one friend spent $70k on IVF to have a baby. It can take multiple tries. What is she prepared to spend on this? (I was "lucky" in that I got pregnant the old fashioned way - alcohol and bad decision making.)
4 - the thing I've learned about having a kid is that while it fills that "I want a kid" hole in your life, it doesn't fill the others, and it can make existing holes bigger and add new holes. You fill the "I need a kid" hole but then it's harder to kick ass at work, so the career area of your life suffers. And it's harder to date, so you can start to get lonely. There's less money to go around so you can start to miss the things you were able to do before - like travel.
5 - being a single mom can be lonely. You can end up feeling stuck in the middle between your "married with kids" friends and your "unmarried/no kids" friends and it can feel like you can't relate to anyone. And you think you'll bond more with your single mom friends, but it can be surprisingly hard for everyone's free time/custody schedules to coordinate. And everyone's situation is slightly different in terms of father/family support.

Anyway, good luck to your friend. When I turned 35, I was a little depressed because I had assumed I'd be married with kids by 35, and I was nowhere near either. I decided to stop putting pressure on myself and just enjoy my life, and I decided not to take any measures to have kids on my own. I got pregnant 11 months later, and it totally threw everything into chaos. I love my kid, but I admit, I probably would have been just fine without a kid. I had a good life before her. Life is good now, but so different!

[Anonymous]

13:00 also she needs to consider the possibility of multiples (which happened to a couple of my single mom by choice friends) and the possibility of special needs. Those things can be tough enough to manage with a partner, but are so much harder single.

[Anonymous]

I am another single mom by choice, with a now 12-year-old. In my opinion, it's a very personal and individual decision -- I found that the issue holding me back from doing it was my worry about who would care for my child if something happened to me. Once i figured that part out, the rest of the logistics and hurdles were manageable. She may find the details overwhelming, or she may have some significant concern she hasn't shared with you (perhaps family/culture?). But as you know, nothing really prepares you for what it's like to be a parent -- that part is a leap into the unknown. It may be helpful just to keep talking with her and provide a sounding board for her decision-making.

[Anonymous]

She needs to have a plan, with multiple “what ifs” factored in.

1. She needs a plan for pregnancy. What if: bedrest, extended bedrest, gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, etc. Can she deal with medical, financial, work and household if a complication strikes.
2. She needs a birth plan, and needs to be willing to either call on friends or call an ambulance if she waits too long. (Nbd, compared to other what ifs, but ambulances may go to the wrong hospital.)
3. Post-birth plan: she needs to decide on childcare BEFORE she starts off, and if doing daycare, get on the waiting list asap. She needs a what if plan that encompasses complications for both her and baby during birth, special needs, etc.

I’m not saying not to do it. But she needs to have a plan. Most parents don’t, especially not single parents.