My single friend wants to be a mom

[Anonymous]

I'm a single mom by choice. I had mine via IVF at 41 (almost 42). I love it but it is very very hard being a single parent. And I have a somewhat supportive family in the area.

There is a great group that meets in NW DC. that I listed below. It's through Shady Grove Fertility but you don't need to be going there to attend the meetings (even though it says it in the description) It's for those who are "thinkers" and "tryers" in the process of having a baby. It's run by a psychologist and it's a great way to meet others and get support. I attended the meetings and they are wonderful. Please pass this along to your friend. They meet once a month.

SINGLES SUPPORT GROUP IN D.C.
WHEN: 2/8/2020 from 10:00 a.m. to 11:00 a.m.
WHERE: DC
WHO:
This group is for women who are trying to get pregnant as well as those who have become pregnant. Women gather to share strategies for dealing with the inevitable difficulties of trying to become parents by themselves. This lively group is a good way to gather information and share hopes and concerns. The topics are serious in nature. However, there is much humor and camaraderie.

For more information, please email Michelle Hester or call 202-494-6683.

[Anonymous]

If I were in your friends shoes, I would go for it! I’ve wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. As previous posters mentioned, there are some perks to getting to do everything ‘your way’ as parent. My SO and I often disagree on how to parent the kids, how to spend money, and how much mess/clutter is acceptable. I often feel much less stressed when he’s away traveling for work. I do everything my way; kids are happy and I’m happy and I get lots of silent free time to myself after bedtime. Bliss.

Single parents by death or divorce don’t have this same freedom... they’re bogged down with grief or co-parenting and dealing with inlaws. Much different mindset when you know you’re going into this alone from day 1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every over-defensive, over emotional person defaults to "what if it's a bad daddy/bad relationship!"

What if it's a bad single mommy?

What if it's a bad idea for someone who is unable to form a stable relationship with another adult, have a child who is necessary captive to someone with severe intimacy problems?

My point is that two parents should not be assumed to be better than one.

Adoptive parents are literally VETTED by professionals who make sure they are emotionally and physically healthy, can support the child financially, have legal guardianship setup if something happens to them, etc. In MD their homes are inspected, they are drug-tested. So...one might argue that they are a SAFER bet than people whose sole qualification for being a parent was having unprotected sexual intercourse.

Ha. Yes, my sister, a biological mom, marveled how any yahoo can have a baby, but, as a single mom seeking to adopt, I had to give fingerprints multiple times, consent to background reports by the police , have 10 firemen - in their truck! - descend on my house to check how safe it was, give multiple references, provide financial and health reports, sit for several interviews, and fill out hundreds of forms until I was approved to adopt a child as a single woman.

I passed. Over a decade later, we are very happy. It was worth every form and firemen check!

[Anonymous]

I’m not a SMBC, but I loved this explanation.

I didn’t necessarily want to separate having a child from finding a partner. But I wasn’t willing to gamble my deepest wish on finding the right guy before my eggs expired. “People partner up at all stages of life,” I told myself. “But this is the only time I can have a baby.”

https://www.health.com/condition/pregnancy/single-mom-by-choice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if the single mommy is a closet alcoholic?

What if she gets sick of the kid and becomes neglectful if the child doesn't fulfill her emotional needs?

Legally, she can do what she likes.

This also happens in two parent families. It happens in divorced and remarried families.

My parents neglected my basic physical needs so they could concentrate on their dysfunctional relationship. Because neither would budge, I was left in the care of a woman married to a child predator. You can guess how that turned out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With IVF there will be a higher chance of multiples. Is your friend prepared to parent multiples or would she choose to selectively reduce?

I have a friend from high school in somewhat similar circumstances. In her late 30's and was not in a relationship but knew she wanted to be a mom and worried about getting older...
She had IVF with sperm donation and conceived triplets. She was carrying all 3 but sadly one died in the womb, so only two babies were born.

In her situation, her mom was local and extremely helpful; I think the mom actually moved in with her full time for the first year or so. My friend is a teacher, so her job schedule is more conducive to parenting (off during school breaks and such.)

There’s always the option to implant only one.

[Anonymous]

a high school friend who had limited prior relationships and was single first fostered and then adopted an infant (several months old) at 44. she adopted his newborn sister a year later. Is her life nuts? yes, but she is very happy. She has a good income, job flexibility, and friends/family support on occasion. The hardest thing, she said, is just that she can't really ever take a break and has a hard time when she is sick, plus she can't really travel right now for work--she really hesitated to adopt the sibling because of all of this, but she also felt it would have been terrible for them if they had been separated in what was already a really tough family of origin situation. She has an au pair and the older one is in school, the younger in part time preschool (9-2) so the au pair generally is on from 2-8 and then helps out on weekends.

back to OPs friend. I think if she has a stable job with flexibility for doctor's appointment and a strong enough income to afford daycare/nanny share, etc it should be fine. but I wonder if she might explore infant fostering first, like my friend did.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been a single mom since my DS was born nearly 15 yrs ago. His dad has never really been involved in his life. Single parenting is exhausting but if you have the money to hire help, it is probably less exhausting. I was a very independent person as well as an introvert so having a kid 24/7 often sucked the life out of me. Things got easier as my son was able to stay home alone while I ran errands, got a haircut etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been a single mom since my DS was born nearly 15 yrs ago. His dad has never really been involved in his life. Single parenting is exhausting but if you have the money to hire help, it is probably less exhausting. I was a very independent person as well as an introvert so having a kid 24/7 often sucked the life out of me. Things got easier as my son was able to stay home alone while I ran errands, got a haircut etc.

That really is the thing that people couldn’t understand the most - that, for years, I simply couldn’t leave the house to run to the drugstore or take an exercise class or anything like that. I dealt with it, and I can do those things now, but it was a shock to the system.

[Anonymous]

I was a single Mom, but not from the beginning. I had several friends that were single Moms from the beginning. More because the men were worthless. They survived. However, 10 years later both are still single. Doesn't happen to everyone, but it really consumes your life so you can't expect to make it easier or even the same to find a partner. Very different than a Mom with 50/50 or even just some custody share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been a single mom since my DS was born nearly 15 yrs ago. His dad has never really been involved in his life. Single parenting is exhausting but if you have the money to hire help, it is probably less exhausting. I was a very independent person as well as an introvert so having a kid 24/7 often sucked the life out of me. Things got easier as my son was able to stay home alone while I ran errands, got a haircut etc.

That really is the thing that people couldn’t understand the most - that, for years, I simply couldn’t leave the house to run to the drugstore or take an exercise class or anything like that. I dealt with it, and I can do those things now, but it was a shock to the system.

Going to run errands alone was in incredible. I waited 9 or so years to be able to do it alone. NOW I knew why Target had Starbucks. Some people actually enjoyed running errands. My DS is 14 and I still look forward to my weekend errands alone.

[Anonymous]

I can remember thinking it was a luxury to be in a toilet stall without having to supervise my toddler!

[Anonymous]

Haven't read all the responses, but I know three single mothers by choice. All of them live with or near their parents, so they have a ton of help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been a single mom since my DS was born nearly 15 yrs ago. His dad has never really been involved in his life. Single parenting is exhausting but if you have the money to hire help, it is probably less exhausting. I was a very independent person as well as an introvert so having a kid 24/7 often sucked the life out of me. Things got easier as my son was able to stay home alone while I ran errands, got a haircut etc.

That really is the thing that people couldn’t understand the most - that, for years, I simply couldn’t leave the house to run to the drugstore or take an exercise class or anything like that. I dealt with it, and I can do those things now, but it was a shock to the system.

Yes this. And the teen years are really hard alone! No bad cop or hand off.

[Anonymous]

I'm a single mom and don't really understand the people saying they couldn't leave the house to exercise or do errands. I joined a gym with child care and planned my errands efficiently so we could be in and out as quickly as possible. I'm a runner, so in nice weather I could run my daughter to preschool, combining the workout and commute to save time.

I also don't understand these people who somehow don't have time for a shower when they have a baby, so I might just be weird.