My single friend wants to be a mom

[Anonymous]

Agree, she needs to put more planning into this. I think she may also need therapy if she hasn't lived with another person for any significant amount of time. I think it is a HUGE HUGE HUGE lifestyle change to go from completely single, no partner ever, doing what you want, when you want it, every single day to a lifestyle where someone depends on you every single day and breaks from that to catch your break are few and far between, especially in the baby years.

[Anonymous]

People never seem to consider that maybe the child would like a father and the possibility of grandparents and the positive aspects of that connection to family history.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People never seem to consider that maybe the child would like a father and the possibility of grandparents and the positive aspects of that connection to family history.

I think grandparents etc is fairly low on the list, all considered. But it’s pretty selfish to CHOOSE to not have a constant positive male role model in the child’s life.

[Anonymous]

I have three friends who have done this, but they all have family nearby to help (one even lives with her parents). They're all very happy with their decisions, but recognize they wouldn't be able to do it without their families. Just food for thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People never seem to consider that maybe the child would like a father and the possibility of grandparents and the positive aspects of that connection to family history.

I think grandparents etc is fairly low on the list, all considered. But it’s pretty selfish to CHOOSE to not have a constant positive male role model in the child’s life.

Eh, so what? A gay or lesbian couple cannot choose to have kids? I bet 50% of kids don't have a constant positive male role model in life. That said, in her situation *I* would probably adopt. It just makes more sense to ME. But I'm not her and not about to say she's selfish because she has personal reasons she wants a child that shares her genes.

[Anonymous]

A child isn't a consolation prize for the life you really wanted but didn't get.

A child shouldn't be born with the job to make you happy.

A child is a helpless human with her own needs. The data on "best practices" for the best shot at safe, happy, psychologically, mentally, and physically healthy children is well-known.

[Anonymous]

Some choose to ignore all that because they want a kid dammit and some succeed against the odds. They choose to gamble.

I'm pro-choice including the choice to have children in conditions likely to lead to poorer outcomes.

The mother has a right to decide what is "good enough" for her own children.

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine did it at 40. Her DD is now 7, and overall she is very happy, but she does not date and that aspect of her life seems either to be on hold or over.

At first, she had a live-in nanny. Once her DD started first grade, she switched to relying on aftercare/occasional babysitters/strategic play dates.

Her mom is not healthy but still is able to come up to take care of DD during some school vacations and hosts DD at home for a couple weeks in the summer.

My friend absolutely loves being a mom, it helped her find balance in her life, but she doesn't have much room in her life for nonessentials, because single parenting is very mentally/emotionally consuming. She is also lucky that she has a fairly easy child with no major problems, which isn't always the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A child isn't a consolation prize for the life you really wanted but didn't get.

A child shouldn't be born with the job to make you happy.

A child is a helpless human with her own needs. The data on "best practices" for the best shot at safe, happy, psychologically, mentally, and physically healthy children is well-known.

But it is okay if married heterosexuals have children just because they want to, and think they would be happier with children? Even if they have unhealthy relationships? Because ANY father us better than none? ANY couple sets a better example than ANY single parent? I think not, but you assume this is the case. Way too simplistic world view

[Anonymous]

Every over-defensive, over emotional person defaults to "what if it's a bad daddy/bad relationship!"

What if it's a bad single mommy?

What if it's a bad idea for someone who is unable to form a stable relationship with another adult, have a child who is necessary captive to someone with severe intimacy problems?

[Anonymous]

What if the single mommy is a closet alcoholic?

What if she gets sick of the kid and becomes neglectful if the child doesn't fulfill her emotional needs?

Legally, she can do what she likes.

[Anonymous]

Also, men are people too, and their presence matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if the single mommy is a closet alcoholic?

What if she gets sick of the kid and becomes neglectful if the child doesn't fulfill her emotional needs?

Legally, she can do what she likes.

^^I know couples that drink like fish and have multiple children. Apparently it's ok to be a drunk if there are two of you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every over-defensive, over emotional person defaults to "what if it's a bad daddy/bad relationship!"

What if it's a bad single mommy?

What if it's a bad idea for someone who is unable to form a stable relationship with another adult, have a child who is necessary captive to someone with severe intimacy problems?

My point is that two parents should not be assumed to be better than one.

Adoptive parents are literally VETTED by professionals who make sure they are emotionally and physically healthy, can support the child financially, have legal guardianship setup if something happens to them, etc. In MD their homes are inspected, they are drug-tested. So...one might argue that they are a SAFER bet than people whose sole qualification for being a parent was having unprotected sexual intercourse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People never seem to consider that maybe the child would like a father and the possibility of grandparents and the positive aspects of that connection to family history.

The mother's parents are her grandparents. So that possibility is there.