Let the kids work it out
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Anonymous
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I let my young kids work most things out (ages 5 and 3). They don't offer timers to each other, but they do a great job generally. usually, the one who doesn't get the toy/whatever just moves on and plays with something else until it's available.
This strategy works best, though, if I'm not in the room. If I am in the room, they are more likely to tattle, complain, scream, and hit. |
Anonymous
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There are definitely different degrees of working it out. I can't stand it when kids are so incapable of working things out that they run and tell any parent that will listen about the slightest disagreement. If that's your kid, seriously, let them learn to work those disagreements out themselves. OMG.
I do intervene with my own boys when I see it going downhill. The older one gets bored and likes to pick on the younger in a non-physical way to get a reaction and then complains about that reaction. They both do know how to share and how to be good friends. But, when they get bored or restless or tired, ugh. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
Yes! I have friends who still do this with their squabbling elementary school kids. Their kids come tattling to them about every little thing, and instead of telling them, "Go work it out," the parents get up, go over, and put themselves in the middle of the dispute. Of course, the situation never seems to get better because the kids have never learned how to work with each other to solve problems. Teach skills but don't get involved unless it's getting physical. They'll figure it out. |
Anonymous
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OP I agree with you totally.
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Anonymous
| I grew up in a "Go work it out" family. Things that we couldn't work out (which were frequent) we settled physically. It was a free for all. No way in hell I brought up my kids that way. |
Anonymous
So do you intervene in all disagreements? Are your kids the tattle tales? How have you dealt with it? |
Anonymous
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Helping the children work it out can be asking questions so that they are more capable the next time.
Who had the truck first? Johnny did? Johnny how did you feel when Mikey grabbed it out of your hands? Hmmm....I bet that was frustrating. What solution could you guys come up with so you both get a chance? Could we use a timer? Who will set the timer? It’s tedious, but it makes them feel empowered that they’re working on it and they can hopefully use the skills in the future. It takes practice. And it’s better than “Johnny you get the truck because Mikey was being mean” |
Anonymous
I grew up in a similar household. The result was my older sisters (3 and 8 years older than me) wailing on me whenever they felt like it for any reason. I remember getting punched in the face for "breathing too loud" once when I was in primary school. My sisters were SHOCKED when I didn't want anything to do with them from about the age of 10 through 25. Also, my mother's strict "don't tattle, settle it yourselves" rules also meant I never told her that my best friend's older brother was abusing me for years. She'd never helped any time another kid had hurt me, no matter how bad, so I assumed she'd just blame me for the brother abusing me to (which honestly, she probably would have). I knew my only options were let him keep abusing me but get to keep my best/only friend or give up the friend to avoid the abuse. I chose to keep the friend and he kept abusing me for another 4 years. I don't think the right answer is intervening in every fight but you can't just let kids go all lord of the flies and expect a good outcome. |
Anonymous
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I am a mom to a 6yo girl and we are friends with another family with a 6yo girl. All parents involved would say they are in favor of less hovering, and encouraging kids to work it out on their own. However...
What this looks like in practice (to me) looks different between us. To illustrate an issue beyond physical interactions I'm highlighting them because while the parents are lovely people, their daughter has serious "mean girl" status brewing. Verbally, she is very quick to pick on a weakness not just in my child, but whoever won't do her bidding. It seems like it is at it's worst in playgroups of 3 girls. But 1 on 1 often doesn't go well either. My kid can be bossy too, but if it is pointed out to her, she will acknowledge it and look for a solution. This has everything to do with giving her constant scripts (at home, from her early preschool teachers, the types of books we read) as well as I assume, her personality. The other child in my opinion, can have my daughter say to her "hey, that hurt my feelings, maybe we can play X instead" and will just respond "nope" and double down on whatever insult or power struggle she started. She responds to adults getting involved, and forcefully insisting on more socially permissible modeled behavior, but I think her parents wait till the situation escalates too far before they involve themselves. The damage the other kid lays down...getting other kids to fear being under her hazing keeps other kids in line and makes my kid not want to play with her. |
Anonymous
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I'm with you OP. My younger one (3 almost 4) still too often gets physical so I watch him like a hawk when we are in certain social situations. We also have some of the youngest kids in our various sets of friends. So upshot is that I (or DH) are often the parent most around during a get-together, playdates, etc. My takeaway as the frequent "designated parent": kids, siblings in particular, do not "work things out." They grab toys from younger kids, they don't share at all, they exclude (always this!), they fight. Every time I hear a parent say "let the kids work it out," the translation really is "I don't want to get up to help them actually work it out...."
And yes, I exaggerate, there are plenty of counterexamples, and my observation has been certainly that some families/siblings/groups of friends can be much better at getting along. And I realize that many of the PPs, myself included, hold off on intervening, but do so when things escalate (I call it the "downward spiral"). But most of the time "let them work it out" just = a parental "I'm too lazy." |
Anonymous
I’m sorry about the abuse, pp. It’s a good lesson for all of us that the easy way to parent (let them work it out themselves all the time)can be detrimental. |
jjconcern
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| Thanks for your post. You express a dilemma that most parents struggle with who have children. The responses to your post were very thoughtful and informative. Let them work it out in my mind means let them do it whenever possible but with parents close enough to step in when the conflict has gone on too long or there is an unhealthy pattern occurring such as always ending in physical fights or one child always taking advantage of the other. Then it is necessary to separate them and talk privately with them about what you are observing at the time and then later when they are in a less agitated state. There are always two sides to the story so don't assume that it is just one child's fault. When at a friend's house you often don't have the luxury of being able to talk to both parties. If you find that the behavior takes place regularly then assess whether you want your child to continue playing there. Parenting takes so much skill and patience . The main thing is don't assume that your child is always right. You do them a disservice by never confronting their part in a conflict which has lifelong consequences for them. |
Anonymous
| Its lazy parenting for parents who don't want to be involved. I agree with you OP, even a year or two difference makes a huge difference and its very easy for the older one to "win." My parents were like that and I always got screwed over. I always intervene and help them through it. |
Anonymous
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There are degrees of "work it out". I take that approach, but that doesn't mean I don't monitor or intervene. It's a strategy that works with my kids b/c there's not a clear winner between my two kids. The flip side of this is my parents always intervened when my brother and I fought growing up. They only saw my reaction, not all the mean, cruel things my brother did to me. So I got into trouble. Now looking back on how much my parents protected their darling baby boy, they feel bad for how he treated me. As a parent, it's hard to tell who really "started it" and who should be punished. So in addition to teaching my kids how to work it out and do problem solving with them, I also punish both of them for fighting. I avoid taking sides (but will if it's clear what happened).
Like everything with parenting, one approach all the time is not the best way to do things. You need a number of tools in your arsenal and use what approach is appropriate at the time. I bet you will see that the parents who encourage the work it out strategy don't use it exclusively. |