Let the kids work it out

[Anonymous]

I hear this more and more, especially on DCUM. I don't get this philosophy AT ALL. I've got two kids almost three years apart. If I let them work it out, the one who is bigger, faster, "smarter - due to being more experienced with life, would always win whatever little controversy they have. Isn't it my job to teach them and show them, what "working it out" looks like so they in turn can utilize those skills when they are older? I guess it makes sense when talking about high schoolers or maybe middle schoolers who can each advocate for themselves (I don't know; I'm not there yet) but it absolutely does not make sense when talking about elementary school age. I went to a friend's house and her son was the same age as my older and she thought we could just let them work it out. Well, that meant the older kids tried to keep the good toys for themselves. No. That's not ok. If the kids "working it out" doesn't lead to everyone getting a turn, then you guys still need me to help train you on how to work things out.

[Anonymous]

My kids are 7 and 4 and have about the same level of social maturity. They play together, fight sometimes, and we do try to let them work it out. We also give them tools ("Ask him to play something else if you don't like this game, don't just cry.")

Yes, I think elementary school age is a good time to let children learn how to be nice to each other, how to be mean to each other and learn from the experience, how to negotiate play and how to fight with each other without going too far.

[Anonymous]

I have kids 3 years apart also. Yes, I do teach them strategies for getting along ... and then I back off and let them work it out, hopefully experimenting with the strategies I tried to teach them.

Eventually the older kid learned that if he always tries to get the good toys and have his way, the younger kid will (a) not play with him anymore, and/or (b) throw a screaming fit. He's learned that he needs to play nicely if he wants a playmate.

Frankly, it's more effective than Mom coming in every 15 minutes to remind him to share.

Of course, this only works if the younger one is more vocal about his wants/needs, which mine is (a blessing and curse...). If the younger is more of a "go along to get along" type, I could see wanting to jump in more so that he doesn't get pushed around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have kids 3 years apart also. Yes, I do teach them strategies for getting along ... and then I back off and let them work it out, hopefully experimenting with the strategies I tried to teach them.

Eventually the older kid learned that if he always tries to get the good toys and have his way, the younger kid will (a) not play with him anymore, and/or (b) throw a screaming fit. He's learned that he needs to play nicely if he wants a playmate.

Frankly, it's more effective than Mom coming in every 15 minutes to remind him to share.

Of course, this only works if the younger one is more vocal about his wants/needs, which mine is (a blessing and curse...). If the younger is more of a "go along to get along" type, I could see wanting to jump in more so that he doesn't get pushed around.

This.

[Anonymous]

But maybe older doesn't care about having a playmate. For example, I require that they take turns on the IPAD. If older had his way, he could in theory just prevent younger from getting his turn. That is not allowed.

I have another set of friends with slightly older kids who are very physical with one another. WTH. That is simply not allowed. The older cannot hit or smack around the younger just because he can.

Did none of you read Lord of the Flies?

[Anonymous]

I think I'm somewhere in between with my kids -- ages 9 and 6. They generally get along well, but like all siblings they squabble and bicker sometimes.

I give them some space when they argue because often they really can work it out. It's also their chance to practice the communications skills that they're learning from DH and I and also at school re conflict resolution / using their words / being respectful of others etc.

Though it's hard for me to listen to my kids argue (and yes, to listen as my older DC tries to dominate or pull one over on my younger DC), the upside is that I'm giving them space to learn experientialy. And to work together as a team, which is so important IMHO. I'm also signaling that I have confidence in their abilities to figure it out -- rather than showing with my behavior that I think they need me to "swoop in" and solve their problems.

Sometimes it works . . . and sometimes it doesn't. When I get the sense that the conflict is only escalating (or that DC2 is getting beaten down), I'll step in with the most minimalist advice I can offer to get them back on the right path. ("Yikes. I hear a lot of yelling. Are you all listening to each other with respect? Yeah? Look -- I don't want to hear it. You two can figure it out yourselves. You're good problem solvers, but you need to be respectful of each other. Try again -- I know you can work it out.) And then I step back out.

I think one of the keys in our house is that DH and I try to do the "teaching" part with them at other times -- not always in the heat of the moment when they're fighting, but instead at quieter, calmer times when they're in more of an open/listening mode. For example, while we're in the car:

"Hey, guys. Remember yesterday when you were arguing over whose turn it was to use X? It sounded like things got pretty heated. What was up with that? Hmmm. And then it got loud? DC2 - what was going on there? Really? DC1 -- how about for you -- what was the problem? Ah.
So it sounds like you all couldn't work it out and there was yelling and whacking each other? Not great, right? So what's anotehr way you two could have handled it? Yeah, that might have worked better. What else? Yeah. Right. That's a good idea for next time. Remember -- you two are a TEAM. It's not always easy to live with someone else and compromise. But you two are good problem solvers, and I've seen you work things out when you slow down and think together."

Even better when DH or I can also have a version of that quick chat with them one-on-one -- this way we can talk about their particular role in the sibling squabbles and how to do their part to "work it out".

To DC1:

"So I heard you and DC2 arguing about the ABC game yesterday. Did he actually quit and throw something? Yikes. What happened? Ahhh. Got it. Did you actually cheat? No? So why did he think that? Oh. It sounds like you all had different ideas about what the rules should be. How could you have talked about that? He wasn't listening? Yeah, he's six. He sometimes still loses it over small things, but he's working on it. But what's something you can do that helps him calm down and work together? Yeah, that's a good idea. How would you say it next time? Right. I bet that would help. My sense is you two are actually pretty good at working things out if you stick with each other and don't flip out. Just like me and Uncle X.
You'll get there!"

To DC2:

"So I heard you and DC1 arguing about the ABC game yesterday. Did you say she cheated? Yikes? What happened? Ahhh. Got it. How frustrating! It sounds like you all had different ideas about what the rules should be. How could you have talked about that? She wasn't listening? Yeah, even though she's older, she's still learning, too. She sometimes still loses it over small things. But what's something you can do to work it out together? Yeah, that's a good idea. How would you say it next time? Right. I bet that would work. My sense is you two are actually pretty good at working things out if you stick with each other and don't flip out. Uncle X and I were similar. You'll get there!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But maybe older doesn't care about having a playmate. For example, I require that they take turns on the IPAD. If older had his way, he could in theory just prevent younger from getting his turn. That is not allowed.

I have another set of friends with slightly older kids who are very physical with one another. WTH. That is simply not allowed. The older cannot hit or smack around the younger just because he can.

Did none of you read Lord of the Flies?

That's not a good example. If the ipad belongs to the older child, then he could use it all of the time and never let his younger sibling use it. If the ipad is a "family" ipad or belongs to a parent, then of course the parent can set the rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But maybe older doesn't care about having a playmate. For example, I require that they take turns on the IPAD. If older had his way, he could in theory just prevent younger from getting his turn. That is not allowed.

I have another set of friends with slightly older kids who are very physical with one another. WTH. That is simply not allowed. The older cannot hit or smack around the younger just because he can.

Did none of you read Lord of the Flies?

I'm 10:45 above.

I totally agree about not allowing our kids to be physical in their disputes. We have a bright-line rule -- if one of them hits the other during an argument about something, THEY are immediately in trouble (consequence of some sort) -- even if the other one did something else wrong or was otherwise at "fault" too. Hitting or being physical out of anger or frustration is NEVER acceptable in our house, and we will always intervene. Not with a "balanced" / "you're both wrong" response. The one being physical gets the consequence and the other is let off the hook. It works and is rarely an issue for us anymore.

Silly rough-housing or physical play is different for us. Within limits, that's fine. But zero tolerance here for acting out physically in anger or frustration.

[Anonymous]

I agree. I'm two years older than my brother, and my parents always let us "work it out." The result was that I dominated every situation and made all of the rules until we grew older and stopped playing together as our interests and friends diverged. It certainly didn't make for a closer relationship (something I did not care about at all as a child).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree. I'm two years older than my brother, and my parents always let us "work it out." The result was that I dominated every situation and made all of the rules until we grew older and stopped playing together as our interests and friends diverged. It certainly didn't make for a closer relationship (something I did not care about at all as a child).

This doesn't sound terrible to me. It's one way out of many to have a friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree. I'm two years older than my brother, and my parents always let us "work it out." The result was that I dominated every situation and made all of the rules until we grew older and stopped playing together as our interests and friends diverged. It certainly didn't make for a closer relationship (something I did not care about at all as a child).

This doesn't sound terrible to me. It's one way out of many to have a friendship.

True friendship is impossible when there is such a power imbalance. And I'm pretty sure it helped my brother develop into a passive, conflict-averse person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have kids 3 years apart also. Yes, I do teach them strategies for getting along ... and then I back off and let them work it out, hopefully experimenting with the strategies I tried to teach them.

Eventually the older kid learned that if he always tries to get the good toys and have his way, the younger kid will (a) not play with him anymore, and/or (b) throw a screaming fit. He's learned that he needs to play nicely if he wants a playmate.

Frankly, it's more effective than Mom coming in every 15 minutes to remind him to share.

Of course, this only works if the younger one is more vocal about his wants/needs, which mine is (a blessing and curse...). If the younger is more of a "go along to get along" type, I could see wanting to jump in more so that he doesn't get pushed around.

This is OP. I guess my kids are not so advanced to think far into the future like that. In my example, my older was willing to not share with the younger because he a) wanted to play with the friend and b) wanted to play with the friend's toys. He was not thinking, oh, if I do this one day in the future my little brother might not play with me. Plus, younger idolizes older and will always want to play with older whereas older can do more things alone, like reading a book. What they needed was for me to step up and say, Older, you can play with this for 20 minutes and when the timer rings give it to your brother. When I hear them offer this sort of strategy to the other, I'll be willing to back off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree. I'm two years older than my brother, and my parents always let us "work it out." The result was that I dominated every situation and made all of the rules until we grew older and stopped playing together as our interests and friends diverged. It certainly didn't make for a closer relationship (something I did not care about at all as a child).

This doesn't sound terrible to me. It's one way out of many to have a friendship.

True friendship is impossible when there is such a power imbalance. And I'm pretty sure it helped my brother develop into a passive, conflict-averse person.

He had no other friendships throughout his childhood? More likely, he is a passive, conflict-averse person. You did not create his personality. That is who he is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree. I'm two years older than my brother, and my parents always let us "work it out." The result was that I dominated every situation and made all of the rules until we grew older and stopped playing together as our interests and friends diverged. It certainly didn't make for a closer relationship (something I did not care about at all as a child).

This doesn't sound terrible to me. It's one way out of many to have a friendship.

True friendship is impossible when there is such a power imbalance. And I'm pretty sure it helped my brother develop into a passive, conflict-averse person.

He had no other friendships throughout his childhood? More likely, he is a passive, conflict-averse person. You did not create his personality. That is who he is.

Of course he had other friends. That has nothing to do with the fact that it's unhealthy to let one of your kids completely dominate the other.

[Anonymous]

My thoughts are you only let them work it out when you see physical fighting between the siblings. Or it has last too long. In my opinion, 30 min is too long to wait for them to work it out. You can interject starting with one suggestion on what the next step might be. Or suggest some steps, some type of guideline.