Being more submissive to my husband

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[Post New]05/23/2017 09:34
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Husbands- what is it about having a submissive wife that's appealing? What do you find challenging about it?


Hi OP. DH here. I have been married twice. The ex was American and not submissive at all. It did not last. DW is from overseas. She grew up in Asia with a more traditional view of gender roles. She is highly accomplished and educated yet as a family we subscribe to more of the power dynamic that you describe. It has worked really well for both of us over the last 10 years. the one thing that does frustrate me sometimes she has a hard time articulating what she wants.

I just wanted to share this to make the point that not every relationship is 50/50.

As an Asian woman, may I just say ewww. Asian woman are not submissive. But they are willing to make compromises for the sake of the family.

PS... she has a hard time articulating what she wants because she is passive aggressive. That's how Asian women like to make you think you make all the decisions.


I don't want to generalize all Asian women but based on the ones I know - my sisters and my DW of many year - this is true. You may think they are submissive but they are not. They just "quietly" make you do things they want you to do... Without coming across as nagging. You may think she is being submissive but you are basically following her leads.
[Post New]05/23/2017 09:35
quote
Anonymous
I think it's fine, provided both parties are on the same page going into it.

I've always been independent and strong-willed. My son-to-be-ex thought I would become submissive once we got married. I didn't, and our marriage failed.
[Post New]05/23/2017 09:36
quote
Anonymous
Being submissive to a tyrant is tantamount to being a slave. Regardless of gender.

Being submissive to a generous and considerate man would be a whole other scenario.

In the former it cedes will and freedom. In the latter it takes a great deal of trust but for some just might be liberating. I find the former to be a horrible life and the latter to be interesting.

As for me I like the idea of a balance of power with both being submissive in some things but not all, playing to each strength and talent to form a stronger partnership.
[Post New]05/23/2017 09:37
quote
Anonymous
If it works for you guys that's great. He better be a very wise, competent decision maker.

Also I'd want a prenup that details how I will be provided for in the event that he leaves me. In fact, it'd be great if my dad and he negotiated this. Just like old times.
[Post New]05/23/2017 09:40
quote
Anonymous
Meh. My DH has strengths. I have other strengths. We each take the lead in areas that we (a) feel passionately about and (b) have developed expertise in. For example, he loves to cook, and can make a meal out of all the crap left in the fridge at the end of the week. I have an advanced degree in finance and handle all the micro and macro budget and finance issues.

My DH told me early in our marriage that he didn't want to make all the decisions. He does that at work. I think we divide all that labor up fairly evenly.
[Post New]05/23/2017 09:52
quote
Anonymous
So, to the people on this thread who actually consider their marriage to include this dynamic:

Please give some examples of how this dynamic plays out in your every day life. What is a decision in which the dominant spouse makes the call? What input does the submissive spouse have into that decision? If the submissive spouses's desire is different from the dominant spouse's opinion, how is that difference resolved?

In thinking about my own marriage, some examples I can come up with are things like this. My husband makes about twice as much money as I do and sometimes, he wants to buy things that I don't see the point of/think are too expensive/would suck up money I'd rather use for other things. Provided that the other things I'd rather do with the money are not essential things, I generally let him buy the thing he wants to buy, knowing that he works really hard to earn a ton of money. I do ask him to explain the purchase to me so that I can understand why he wants it, and I explain to him why I don't think it's a good idea. It is OUR money, but since he brings home a lot more of it than I do, if he really wants a thing, if we do not need the money urgently for something else, and if he listens to my objections and still wants it, I let it happen.

He basically submits to me in all matters pertaining to childcare and management of the house. I do the shopping, meal planning, and cooking because I'm good at those things and he's terrible at them. If I need him to do stuff around the house, I tell him what the stuff is and how I want it done and when I'd like it to be done by, and he makes it happen.

I would not say that either one of us is dominant, though, and mostly these are not huge decisions being made. For huge decisions (e.g., buying a house or a new car), we have to agree before anything will happen.
[Post New]05/23/2017 12:46
quote
sandmguy
Member Offline
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This thread is horrifying


I think there's kinky freak on DCUM lately starting thread's he hope will turn smutty.

I just popped in to see why so many are taking this OP seriously.


Well it's not me, I haven't started any threads.

My contribution: it's hard to be the dominant one all the time in a relationship. You have to be extremely self-disciplined, and do a lot of thinking and planning to pull it off. Passive is an easier, and lazier, way to go through life.

When that kind of relationship is working for both participants, it's really good.
[Post New]05/23/2017 12:51
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:So, to the people on this thread who actually consider their marriage to include this dynamic:

Please give some examples of how this dynamic plays out in your every day life. What is a decision in which the dominant spouse makes the call? What input does the submissive spouse have into that decision? If the submissive spouses's desire is different from the dominant spouse's opinion, how is that difference resolved?

In thinking about my own marriage, some examples I can come up with are things like this. My husband makes about twice as much money as I do and sometimes, he wants to buy things that I don't see the point of/think are too expensive/would suck up money I'd rather use for other things. Provided that the other things I'd rather do with the money are not essential things, I generally let him buy the thing he wants to buy, knowing that he works really hard to earn a ton of money. I do ask him to explain the purchase to me so that I can understand why he wants it, and I explain to him why I don't think it's a good idea. It is OUR money, but since he brings home a lot more of it than I do, if he really wants a thing, if we do not need the money urgently for something else, and if he listens to my objections and still wants it, I let it happen.

He basically submits to me in all matters pertaining to childcare and management of the house. I do the shopping, meal planning, and cooking because I'm good at those things and he's terrible at them. If I need him to do stuff around the house, I tell him what the stuff is and how I want it done and when I'd like it to be done by, and he makes it happen.

I would not say that either one of us is dominant, though, and mostly these are not huge decisions being made. For huge decisions (e.g., buying a house or a new car), we have to agree before anything will happen.


I'd say some variation on this is probably where 90% of people in the bell curve of dominance in marriage fall.
[Post New]05/23/2017 12:53
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So, to the people on this thread who actually consider their marriage to include this dynamic:

Please give some examples of how this dynamic plays out in your every day life. What is a decision in which the dominant spouse makes the call? What input does the submissive spouse have into that decision? If the submissive spouses's desire is different from the dominant spouse's opinion, how is that difference resolved?

In thinking about my own marriage, some examples I can come up with are things like this. My husband makes about twice as much money as I do and sometimes, he wants to buy things that I don't see the point of/think are too expensive/would suck up money I'd rather use for other things. Provided that the other things I'd rather do with the money are not essential things, I generally let him buy the thing he wants to buy, knowing that he works really hard to earn a ton of money. I do ask him to explain the purchase to me so that I can understand why he wants it, and I explain to him why I don't think it's a good idea. It is OUR money, but since he brings home a lot more of it than I do, if he really wants a thing, if we do not need the money urgently for something else, and if he listens to my objections and still wants it, I let it happen.

He basically submits to me in all matters pertaining to childcare and management of the house. I do the shopping, meal planning, and cooking because I'm good at those things and he's terrible at them. If I need him to do stuff around the house, I tell him what the stuff is and how I want it done and when I'd like it to be done by, and he makes it happen.

I would not say that either one of us is dominant, though, and mostly these are not huge decisions being made. For huge decisions (e.g., buying a house or a new car), we have to agree before anything will happen.


I'd say some variation on this is probably where 90% of people in the bell curve of dominance in marriage fall.


Yup DCUM bubble strikes again lol
[Post New]05/23/2017 12:55
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So, to the people on this thread who actually consider their marriage to include this dynamic:

Please give some examples of how this dynamic plays out in your every day life. What is a decision in which the dominant spouse makes the call? What input does the submissive spouse have into that decision? If the submissive spouses's desire is different from the dominant spouse's opinion, how is that difference resolved?

In thinking about my own marriage, some examples I can come up with are things like this. My husband makes about twice as much money as I do and sometimes, he wants to buy things that I don't see the point of/think are too expensive/would suck up money I'd rather use for other things. Provided that the other things I'd rather do with the money are not essential things, I generally let him buy the thing he wants to buy, knowing that he works really hard to earn a ton of money. I do ask him to explain the purchase to me so that I can understand why he wants it, and I explain to him why I don't think it's a good idea. It is OUR money, but since he brings home a lot more of it than I do, if he really wants a thing, if we do not need the money urgently for something else, and if he listens to my objections and still wants it, I let it happen.

He basically submits to me in all matters pertaining to childcare and management of the house. I do the shopping, meal planning, and cooking because I'm good at those things and he's terrible at them. If I need him to do stuff around the house, I tell him what the stuff is and how I want it done and when I'd like it to be done by, and he makes it happen.

I would not say that either one of us is dominant, though, and mostly these are not huge decisions being made. For huge decisions (e.g., buying a house or a new car), we have to agree before anything will happen.


I'd say some variation on this is probably where 90% of people in the bell curve of dominance in marriage fall.


Yup DCUM bubble strikes again lol


Original PP here. Yes. I am aware of that. I was asking the people who classify their marriages as ones where one spouse is "dominant" and they enjoy "submitting" to that spouse about decisions how they resolve disputes and what kind of decisions we are talking about here. I am aware that some variation on what I described is basically normal. There seem to be people who have very different arrangements, and I'd like to know more about them.
[Post New]05/23/2017 13:28
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Meh. My DH has strengths. I have other strengths. We each take the lead in areas that we (a) feel passionately about and (b) have developed expertise in. For example, he loves to cook, and can make a meal out of all the crap left in the fridge at the end of the week. I have an advanced degree in finance and handle all the micro and macro budget and finance issues.

My DH told me early in our marriage that he didn't want to make all the decisions. He does that at work. I think we divide all that labor up fairly evenly.


We are that way too. I am submissive to him when it's an area that he is strong in. He is more submissive to me in areas that I am strong in. It works well. It's not healthy to always be barking orders and correcting someone under the guise that you're just "strong willed." He's the cook in our relationship and while sometimes his choices aren't necessarily my top choices, I smile and appreciate it because he makes an effort and it saves me work. If I'm not 100% satisfied, it doesn't need to be mentioned if I'm still pretty happy with his work. Nobody's perfect. Not even me
[Post New]05/23/2017 13:47
quote
Anonymous
There were two words that I deliberately left out of my wedding vows: "To Obey." I do not submit. I am equal, or I leave, and my husband knows it.
[Post New]05/23/2017 13:55
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Creepy thread title


Written by a man with woman problems fyi
[Post New]05/23/2017 14:28
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hells no. We are an EQUAL partnership. No wonder the GOP thinks the way it does

No such thing. It's an allusion.

That said, marriages thrive when both do more than an equal part.


An allusion? To what pray tell?

My BFF was brainwashed by her former church to be submissive. Her ex made horrible financial decisions but she went along with them because....Penis? I guess? I think she is finally out of that debt which included owing money to the IRS.
[Post New]05/23/2017 17:43
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hells no. We are an EQUAL partnership. No wonder the GOP thinks the way it does

No such thing. It's an allusion.

That said, marriages thrive when both do more than an equal part.


It's not an illusion in my marriage. My husband and each have our strengths and we know each other well enough to cede the lead when appropriate.

This discussion reminds me of the counseling we were required to do with the pastor who married us. He said that the husband is the head of the family, but the wife is the neck that turns that head and keeps it connected to the body.

I could live with that and it's turned out to be true. I'm not Asian, but I do direct more than it would appear to outsiders.
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