How to deal with the sting of infidelity

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[Post New]07/14/2016 17:47
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:First, I commend you on trying. Someone needs to tell you that you are already... HAVE already... been doing a lot. It takes a lot of work to stay and try to make it right again. So good job.

Second, it's only been 4 months. You're in a hellish place, my friend, and 4 months is very little time actually. It's perfectly normal for you to be boiling with rage or completely depressed over this. Seriously. Give yourself a break.

From my own experience, and the stories of many others, and my therapist's own words, it seems like it takes about a year to get off the ledge. And then at least another 4-6 months after that to actually notice the next step. And another 6 months to functioning intimacy and regained trust. Basically 2 years. Hang in there.



Do you think this is true for both physical and emotional affairs? I am a DW and I am having a lot of trouble moving past my husband's emotional affair. Mainly because he won't take any responsibility for doing something inappropriate. It's been 7 months since I found out.
[Post New]07/14/2016 18:52
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
I know I'm worth more than this, but like you said, the thought of breaking up my family makes me sad. The thing is, I know if I get divorced I get screwed out of seeing my kid. I'll never get fair custody as I sometimes pull shift work. But I least I always get to see my kid before I leave on those days.



Not necessarily. The assumption in Virginia is shared custody.

In any case, you know you have to pull the plug. She disrespected you, and you not kicking her to the kerb shows so much low self-respect so you won't get her respect back.
[Post New]07/14/2016 19:16
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Anonymous
Did she tell you why she cheated? What was wrong with your marriage? Can you focus on that? Focus on fixing that together.
[Post New]07/14/2016 19:25
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Did she tell you why she cheated? What was wrong with your marriage? Can you focus on that? Focus on fixing that together.


The reason, always, is you don't attract her anymore and she does not love you. You're not going to "reason" your way out of that.
[Post New]07/14/2016 20:31
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Anonymous
My husband found out about my affair almost 3 years ago and we are in a much better place. It has been such a roller coaster ride for sure. What you are going through is very normal. My husband used to get mind movies when we slept together. They slowly started going away. He had and still does get triggers. Time and therapy help. One thing that also helped us was a program called Retrouvaille. It was a weekend workshop that really helps you learn to communicate with your spouse. You will hear four couples share their stories of fixing there troubled marriages and you do not sha re your story.
Another big part is that the wayward spouse should be doing a lot of therapy to find out why they felt a need to step outside the marriage.
The website Survivinginfidelity.com is a support forum that has been a huge help for us.


[Post New]07/14/2016 20:59
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Anonymous


Anonymous wrote:
No advice.

If my husband cheated and I found out, I would file for divorce. God forgives, I don't.
+2

A very powerful sign of disrespect. As a women I'm not tolerating that level of disrespect. I'm not desperate to have a man in the house so bad and I certainly won't allow my kids around such a man learning that type of behavior. No thanks.


If he's the father of your children, you don't have any say in that. Sorry, but in VA, adultery doesn't disqualify a parent from custody rights. So you can leave him, but your kids will still be around him. And you'll lose half of your time with your kids because HE is an asshole.
[Post New]07/14/2016 21:40
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Did she tell you why she cheated? What was wrong with your marriage? Can you focus on that? Focus on fixing that together.


She felt "detached" emotionally. It can't be physical. I'm in great shape. I tend to focus on work a lot and kid as well. Her excuse is neglect of her feelings. She said I was always shooting down her ideas as stupid or not feasible. I don't believe I was. I'm very analytical. I try to see all the risks and rewards before jumping into something.

She's also not as into fitness as I am. I work out consistently and hard. She makes and effort because she sees me doing it and feels she has to keep up. I have a lot of energy and extroverted, her not so much.

Not sure what this guy offers I don't. I love my wife, but can't trust anything she says right now. Funny thing is the guy she cheated with is kind of like me. Same type of person from what I've seen. I'm shocked really.

I'll be honest I suspected something was up but didn't want to jump to conclusions, but you can't ignore your gut instinct I guess. If nothing else I've learned to trust that more.
[Post New]07/14/2016 22:15
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am sorry you are going through this. I am an affair survivor, and I use that term literally, as when I first found out, I was suicidal. The only thing that kept me going in those first days was my daughter and the thought of walking her down the aisle at her wedding. (She is only 8, but I guess I needed to see something to live for, and her future was it.) I have spent many sleepless nights about this. I have talked to fellow survivors who say the only hope is to let it go, which is impossible originally but becomes less impossible with time. I am one year out now. I still think about it often, but we are making slow, painful progress as a couple. There are steps backward, and painful triggers, etc., but as one survivor told me, letting go is the only way.

That doesn't mean I condone her awful behavior, or will ever forget it. It means I will try my best to move on from it and find it in me to forgive her. She forgave me when I was a porn addict (since cured, "clean and sober" thank God). Doesn't mean we are even, but it means I am not perfect either.

Seek help with a therapist, priest, etc., someone you can vent to. And if you want to commit to your marriage, do it but your spouse must know that you will heal at your pace and at your pace only.

The most important thing you can do is make yourself right -- get healthy in mind, spirit, body. My wife and I were both in awful places that previous year. I'm not proud of any of it. Since then, I have taken up a sport I hadn't played in years, I have applied to return to graduate school (starting in the fall) and my wife and I have taken steps toward healing. There is still a ton of pain there, but it lessens each day, and I feel better about myself just because I know I am improving myself.

Will we ultimately make it? I don't know. Honestly, I very much want to, despite this awful thing she did to me. We have a wonderful family. The thought of breaking it up makes me literally ill. (I know you can say she didn't think of that when she was having her affair, and that's true.) Some days I think we won't make it. But either way, now that I've reassessed myself, I know I will be in a better place and space for whatever comes along in the future.

I wish you well and healing and comfort.


Thanks, and I do keep in shape and am very fit. I'm trying to get more activities in to forget. Here's the thing, I lay down at night and it starts coming up in my head. Most nights, I have to leave the bedroom and go sleep on the couch because I can't lay next to her and not visualize what they did.

I know I'm worth more than this, but like you said, the thought of breaking up my family makes me sad. The thing is, I know if I get divorced I get screwed out of seeing my kid. I'll never get fair custody as I sometimes pull shift work. But I least I always get to see my kid before I leave on those days.



New poster- I am in the trenches now and let me tell you, ambien is a very good friend on those nights.
[Post New]07/14/2016 22:24
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Did she tell you why she cheated? What was wrong with your marriage? Can you focus on that? Focus on fixing that together.


She felt "detached" emotionally. It can't be physical. I'm in great shape. I tend to focus on work a lot and kid as well. Her excuse is neglect of her feelings. She said I was always shooting down her ideas as stupid or not feasible.


This is called "the rationalization hamster" spinning in its wheel.

The bottom line is you were not making her vajayjay wet. Some other guy made it wet. Now she has to go back and rewrite history so that this is all your fault, because otherwise she'd have to conclude she is a bad person who is ruled by her vajayjay.
[Post New]07/14/2016 23:50
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Anonymous
Op, what you're describing sounds like PTSD. Picturing her with the other woman is like a trauma survivors flashback. Trouble sleeping. I think even being in the bedroom with her is a trigger for you. I think with your therapist you need to treat this as PTSD, or maybe see someone separately just for that. I think affairs cause multiple injuries, and the trauma is just one of them, but it's a place to start. This article talks about the symptoms and treatment.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/talking-about-trauma/201503/love-is-war-post-infidelity-stress-disorder
[Post New]07/15/2016 00:43
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LastAcorn99
Member Offline
I'm so sorry to hear this. I know that being a victim of infidelity is extremely painful. Despite the difficulties you’re facing, like PP mentioned, it is indeed possible to overcome infidelity. I encourage you and your wife to do everything you can to restore your marriage. Please check out an article at bit.ly/29STR5P and a book titled Unfaithful: Hope and Healing After Infidelity at bit.ly/1fCavUX. I believe that you’ll find these materials helpful. Sending you hugs and prayers.
[Post New]07/15/2016 01:17
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I, too, am an affair "survivor." And it makes my blood boil, and enrages me, when I hear all these DCUMers talk so giddily about their affair partners. Screw all of you. You have no idea the agony and pain you are inflicting on your families.



+ 1


+2 And it doesn't really get better years from now. Wait until your kids get older and find out and/or really able to process what mommy or daddy did.
[Post New]07/15/2016 01:19
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:It IS possible to get past this. It may not be the right choice for you, but it is possible to overcome infidelity. You have to both be willing to do the work, and you have to be able to process your feelings. Get to counseling STAT and start figuring this out.

Remember, divorce isn't any easier emotionally.


I wish my mom had divorced my cheating father, but she had to forgive and keep the family together.
[Post New]07/15/2016 06:00
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Did she tell you why she cheated? What was wrong with your marriage? Can you focus on that? Focus on fixing that together.


She felt "detached" emotionally. It can't be physical. I'm in great shape. I tend to focus on work a lot and kid as well. Her excuse is neglect of her feelings. She said I was always shooting down her ideas as stupid or not feasible.


This is called "the rationalization hamster" spinning in its wheel.

The bottom line is you were not making her vajayjay wet. Some other guy made it wet. Now she has to go back and rewrite history so that this is all your fault, because otherwise she'd have to conclude she is a bad person who is ruled by her vajayjay.


I know it's an excuse. Of course I don't buy it. I doubt it was I didn't turn her on. Our sex life was ok.
[Post New]07/15/2016 06:33
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Anonymous
Don't let her minimize the affair as a "mistake." Getting drunk and making out with a guy is a mistake. An affair is a series, often hundreds, of conscious decisions to deceive, mislead and betray. Forgiving, though, if you choose to do it, is for you more than her. It helps you shed the anger and internal misery.
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