Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I agree with "epic novelist." I'm so sick of the rude posts who benefit from the anonymity offered here. Well said EN.

I'm with you.

There is no need to be so ridiculously rude and mean to other people for "kicks", unless they are striving to be a sociopath.

OP, actually, you're the sociopath and classist. Really ask yourself why you're asking advice on DCUM on how to befriend your close friend now that you've moved up in the world and she's merely sustaining herself on meager income.

Anonymous wrote:I've been on both sides of this equation. With my family and friends from high school, I'm the one who moved to the East Coast and became the big shot career woman. They are quick to label me a snob, and I am careful not to incur the label. Which can be difficult because I do like nice things - I like quality clothes in subtle colors and styles, I drive an understated but slightly upscale car (which I'll drive to 100K miles) and I prefer to eat at interesting ethnic or non chain restaurants and hate places like Cheesecake Factory. I will happily spend $15 on a bottle of wine in a store, though I'll just as happily drink Miller Lite at the bar. From a can, if need be.

With my friends from college and afterward, I used to be just "normal" - we all made about the same and lived about the same. Then they all started getting married and having dual incomes (and much nicer houses and more travel) and some of them became very successful career-wise while I had to backtrack a bit to accomodate being a single parent with the majority of the child-rearing responsibilities. Not many things change your lifestyle more than cutting your income by $25K while simultaneously taking on a ton of child-related expenses and not being able to work long hours or travel anymore!

I spend a fair amount of time with my friends who make a lot more than I do and have much more disposable income than I do. I don't resent them. Do I wish I was in their shoes? Hell yeah. My daughter's father makes a good living, but we are maintaining two households and not one, so neither household is ever going to be as nice as my married friends' with the one nice house. I get severe house envy sometimes when I visit them. It would be nice to live closer in, or have a proper guest room or have nice crown moldings or a nice master bath. Do I sometimes wish I was still a high-earning single career girl who could travel to Europe on little notice, or drop $100 on a bar tab or $200 on a nice dinner or $250 on a great purse? Hell yeah.

What helps me: if my richer friends avoid being a*holes about what they have. Most are not. But there have been a couple of conversations where I walked away feeling ever-so-slightly murderous. Like the conversation between three married friends about how I should never accept a diamond of less than a carat from a guy I was dating. These women all have husbands who laid out serious cash for rocks I find a bit ostentatious. Or the conversation with a friend who claimed that if you couldn't buy a house in "Bethesda/Chevy Chase, Potomac or the Churchill area" and spend at least a million on that house, all the other schools in Montgomery County were total crap and you might as well sell your kids for crack for the harm you were doing them. (I embellish, but that was the gist.)

So avoid saying stuff like that.

Also, if something special happens and you're out with your friend, you can always do the "this round's on me because I'm celebrating" thing if it's news you were going to share anyway. Then you get to buy her a drink and she won't feel bad accepting. I used to do this pretty often, and still do it for my sister and other friends who I know would appreciate the free drink. (if they've gotten laid off or something.) If friends do it for me, I think it's cool and nice and thoughtful and I remember.

I felt guilty this week because a much-more-successful friend met me for lunch and gave me a very generous gift certificate as a belated birthday gift. i was floored, and feel bad. i know she can totally afford it, but now i'm trying to figure out the best way to express my gratitude, knowing that i will probably never be in a position to give her that kind of gift in return. I know she loves red velvet cupcakes, so I'm thinking that for now I'll send a thank-you note, and next time I see her, I'll bake a batch of cupcakes. or pick up the lunch tab!

Anonymous wrote:I've been on both sides of this equation. With my family and friends from high school, I'm the one who moved to the East Coast and became the big shot career woman. They are quick to label me a snob, and I am careful not to incur the label. Which can be difficult because I do like nice things - I like quality clothes in subtle colors and styles, I drive an understated but slightly upscale car (which I'll drive to 100K miles) and I prefer to eat at interesting ethnic or non chain restaurants and hate places like Cheesecake Factory. I will happily spend $15 on a bottle of wine in a store, though I'll just as happily drink Miller Lite at the bar. From a can, if need be.

With my friends from college and afterward, I used to be just "normal" - we all made about the same and lived about the same. Then they all started getting married and having dual incomes (and much nicer houses and more travel) and some of them became very successful career-wise while I had to backtrack a bit to accomodate being a single parent with the majority of the child-rearing responsibilities. Not many things change your lifestyle more than cutting your income by $25K while simultaneously taking on a ton of child-related expenses and not being able to work long hours or travel anymore!

I spend a fair amount of time with my friends who make a lot more than I do and have much more disposable income than I do. I don't resent them. Do I wish I was in their shoes? Hell yeah. My daughter's father makes a good living, but we are maintaining two households and not one, so neither household is ever going to be as nice as my married friends' with the one nice house. I get severe house envy sometimes when I visit them. It would be nice to live closer in, or have a proper guest room or have nice crown moldings or a nice master bath. Do I sometimes wish I was still a high-earning single career girl who could travel to Europe on little notice, or drop $100 on a bar tab or $200 on a nice dinner or $250 on a great purse? Hell yeah.

What helps me: if my richer friends avoid being a*holes about what they have. Most are not. But there have been a couple of conversations where I walked away feeling ever-so-slightly murderous. Like the conversation between three married friends about how I should never accept a diamond of less than a carat from a guy I was dating. These women all have husbands who laid out serious cash for rocks I find a bit ostentatious. Or the conversation with a friend who claimed that if you couldn't buy a house in "Bethesda/Chevy Chase, Potomac or the Churchill area" and spend at least a million on that house, all the other schools in Montgomery County were total crap and you might as well sell your kids for crack for the harm you were doing them. (I embellish, but that was the gist.)

So avoid saying stuff like that.

Also, if something special happens and you're out with your friend, you can always do the "this round's on me because I'm celebrating" thing if it's news you were going to share anyway. Then you get to buy her a drink and she won't feel bad accepting. I used to do this pretty often, and still do it for my sister and other friends who I know would appreciate the free drink. (if they've gotten laid off or something.) If friends do it for me, I think it's cool and nice and thoughtful and I remember.

I felt guilty this week because a much-more-successful friend met me for lunch and gave me a very generous gift certificate as a belated birthday gift. i was floored, and feel bad. i know she can totally afford it, but now i'm trying to figure out the best way to express my gratitude, knowing that i will probably never be in a position to give her that kind of gift in return. I know she loves red velvet cupcakes, so I'm thinking that for now I'll send a thank-you note, and next time I see her, I'll bake a batch of cupcakes. or pick up the lunch tab!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been on both sides of this equation. With my family and friends from high school, I'm the one who moved to the East Coast and became the big shot career woman. They are quick to label me a snob, and I am careful not to incur the label. Which can be difficult because I do like nice things - I like quality clothes in subtle colors and styles, I drive an understated but slightly upscale car (which I'll drive to 100K miles) and I prefer to eat at interesting ethnic or non chain restaurants and hate places like Cheesecake Factory. I will happily spend $15 on a bottle of wine in a store, though I'll just as happily drink Miller Lite at the bar. From a can, if need be.

With my friends from college and afterward, I used to be just "normal" - we all made about the same and lived about the same. Then they all started getting married and having dual incomes (and much nicer houses and more travel) and some of them became very successful career-wise while I had to backtrack a bit to accomodate being a single parent with the majority of the child-rearing responsibilities. Not many things change your lifestyle more than cutting your income by $25K while simultaneously taking on a ton of child-related expenses and not being able to work long hours or travel anymore!

I spend a fair amount of time with my friends who make a lot more than I do and have much more disposable income than I do. I don't resent them. Do I wish I was in their shoes? Hell yeah. My daughter's father makes a good living, but we are maintaining two households and not one, so neither household is ever going to be as nice as my married friends' with the one nice house. I get severe house envy sometimes when I visit them. It would be nice to live closer in, or have a proper guest room or have nice crown moldings or a nice master bath. Do I sometimes wish I was still a high-earning single career girl who could travel to Europe on little notice, or drop $100 on a bar tab or $200 on a nice dinner or $250 on a great purse? Hell yeah.

What helps me: if my richer friends avoid being a*holes about what they have. Most are not. But there have been a couple of conversations where I walked away feeling ever-so-slightly murderous. Like the conversation between three married friends about how I should never accept a diamond of less than a carat from a guy I was dating. These women all have husbands who laid out serious cash for rocks I find a bit ostentatious. Or the conversation with a friend who claimed that if you couldn't buy a house in "Bethesda/Chevy Chase, Potomac or the Churchill area" and spend at least a million on that house, all the other schools in Montgomery County were total crap and you might as well sell your kids for crack for the harm you were doing them. (I embellish, but that was the gist.)

So avoid saying stuff like that.

Also, if something special happens and you're out with your friend, you can always do the "this round's on me because I'm celebrating" thing if it's news you were going to share anyway. Then you get to buy her a drink and she won't feel bad accepting. I used to do this pretty often, and still do it for my sister and other friends who I know would appreciate the free drink. (if they've gotten laid off or something.) If friends do it for me, I think it's cool and nice and thoughtful and I remember.

I felt guilty this week because a much-more-successful friend met me for lunch and gave me a very generous gift certificate as a belated birthday gift. i was floored, and feel bad. i know she can totally afford it, but now i'm trying to figure out the best way to express my gratitude, knowing that i will probably never be in a position to give her that kind of gift in return. I know she loves red velvet cupcakes, so I'm thinking that for now I'll send a thank-you note, and next time I see her, I'll bake a batch of cupcakes. or pick up the lunch tab!

We make very modest household income, live in a small home, no private school, no cleaning person, no luxury stuff. If those bitches ever pulled anything like that to me about jewelry, I'd ask to see their ring & then stick it up their ass & dare them to do anything about it.

Anonymous wrote:I'm not the previous complainer. But I just ask that long winded folks please use paragraph breaks. Use them a lot. It really helps with reading. Thanks.

Anonymous wrote:It's nice to have money, much nicer than not having it. But to brag about it, to show it off, to rub it in the face of someone who is struggling financially without offering to help that friend is offensive.

I was turned off by OP's post because she claimed that it's hard to spend time around her "low, low" income friend because it makes her feel guilty about all her wealth.

Guilt is a very hands-off response to a friend's being in straitened circumstances. Sympathy or loaning money or time would be more appropriate.

I think OP loves to brag about her new found wealth in the form of a rich husband. She must have to clam up around this low-income friend, which muzzles her pleasure at reveling in the riches her husband has bestowed upon her.

She wasted no time in bragging to DCUM readers that she has come up in the world and now has new cars, private schools, and "Europeen" vacations. Her post is all about her, and not about ways in which she could support or help her "friend".

OP, you should look in the mirror and try to decide whether you like the superficial person you have become. Money has either made you into the person you've always been, or has made you lose yourself. I don't know you, but from what I've read, I think you've lost sight of what matters. True friendships are precious. The people whom you consider friends because you've got similar cars, houses and vacations are going to flee (as you have from your impoverished friend) when things go wrong (as they always do) and you truly need a friend.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not the previous complainer. But I just ask that long winded folks please use paragraph breaks. Use them a lot. It really helps with reading. Thanks.

Epic Novelist here. Are you referring to the present thread? Because both long posts are in paragraphs so I'm not sure what your complaint is about.