Being friends when your financial situations are VERY different.....

[Anonymous]

this is like when a really pretty person talks about how hard it is to hang out with her fat, homely friend. Oh, poooor you pretty girl!

It;s genetics and luck that make people rich and pretty. If it were hard work then my housekeeper and my kids' teachers would be loaded.

[Anonymous]

This thread seemed interesting -- but a lot of you have written unreadable novels. I don't even care if you support or condemn OP, nobody is going to read all that.

23:43 nails it, follow her example.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I'm sorry OP that you got so many ugly responses.

Sometimes, it is just hard to be in this situation, and the key to making it work is that both friends have to have the right attitude about money - being secure in who they are and not focusing on money or material things. Problem is, most people have money issues that can bubble up when financial disparities become obvious.

When I was a poor grad student, I had a friend who was well off (family money), but was very gracious about it and would treat me to dinner, etc. Because of my insecurities, it was at times uncomfortable for me, and there were certain things she just did with other friends because they had the money to join her. Financial differences made the friendship less comfortable that it would have otherwise been, and that was due to my issues.

I've also been in the reverse situation, now that I'm working and have moved up in my career. I have a friend from grad school who had been doing better than me financially, but then switched careers in her mid-30s and made much less money. Even though she was following her dreams, her childhood insecurities about being poor made it hard for her to with the fact that I and other friends were doing better financially. I, too, would offer to treat when going out, and try to help her out in other ways, but it was her issues with money that kept getting in the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My word, the bitches are out in full force today! Agree that OP left herself open to comments (jealous people need very little incentive to poke holes in someone who has the cheek to acnowledge their privelege) like the above but let's give her the benefit of the doubt. I assume she's posting because she either genuinely wants to keep the friendship on an even keel and is admitting to having some worries and wants advice or (less optimistic view) wants the blessing of strangers to unfriend the friend based on financial differences and the strain that can put on friendships.

OP -- the answer to your question (in my humble view) depends on how much you value and cherish the friendship. I am currently now on both sides of the fence on this, since my husband and I do well for ourselves, but appear to make a lot less than you and your husband, so let me tell you how I feel about it -- in terms of the unspoken competition that can arise, the feelings of being the "poor" friend, the feelings of being the "rich" friend, and why, ultimately, we don't let it consume us:

1. I grew up poor and, because of this, sometimes have feelings like yours -- almost feel like I'm unintentionally "lording it over" less fortunate friends when we're out. I pick up checks all of the time and stress that this is going to come off like showing off rather than generosity (which is how it is intended). At the same time, I admit that sometimes I have to check myself when I find myself accidentally getting annoyed when dear friends don't want to do dinner out due to low funds, etc. After all, if I can't find something for us to do that doesn't require a hefty entrance fee, I'd say we're all pretty lame. Of course, that doesn't mean the financial differences are not obvious. Sometimes when less fortunate friends confide to me that they're really struggling, I am at a loss for words because I don't relate. And sometimes I think "thank god it's not me going through this," which makes me feel guilty. I try not to dwell on it, and I try to ensure that such thoughts never show (because I recognize that they are thoughts of a small person).

2. Now we do okay. I mean, we make about 200K a year (sometimes more, sometimes less) and are buying a modest house. We have friends our age or even younger who live in super nice homes in DC that have probably cost over a million. It's hard not to wonder how they do it -- sometimes we speculate that they have family money or help, or that they're overextending ourselves, and truthfully it is none of our business and we know it, so we try to banish those thoughts. We also consider our lifetsyle differences. For instance, friends just had a baby and have this collosal house that we would envy, if we let ourselves. But then we remember that he works 90 plus hours a week to maintain it and she hates his schedule, and works herself but doesn't like her job, etc. I suppose the point of that rambling paragraph is that there are other comparisons that your friends may be making, and you win some and you lose others!

3. The bottom line is, as I mentioned when i started this post, it all evens out one way or another if you care for one another. There is no need to hide or feel guilty for your wealth. If you find yourself judging yourself or others in terms of wealth, this is a sign of a problem you are having, not others. If you find others are actively behaving as though they are jealous of you, and you're sure it's not all in your mind, then it IS their problem. If you don't behave like a showboat, then they have no right to judge you anymore than you have a right to judge them.

The person who said you should live more modestly is probably one of the jealous folks. There's no need for you to change your lifestyle to match your friends if you do not need to, as long as you take into consideration that your friends can't keep up. Living modestly means you don't boast or make others feel bad about what they don't have -- it doesn't have to mean sacrifice.

Good luck with your frendship.

I suppose it is human nature for some people to try to mentally level the playing field.

"I grew up poor ". I believe you. What is privelege? What is collosal? What is frendship? .... "that they're overextending ourselves' Huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone have insight from either side of the fence in this scenario? I have a few good fiends who go way back and we are all still close. We all had the same upbringing in terms of education, resources, etc. Now, in many ways, our lives are different. I have married someone who earns a lot of money - we have "moved up" in the world - so to speak. Fundraisers, nice cars, private school, fancy vacations. One friend in particular is living a life which is polar opposite: low, low income, no house, broken down cars....you get the picture. It is so hard for me to spend time with this friend because I feel incredibly guilty (she doesn't say things - but I imagine how I would feel if the shoe were on the other foot). It is heartbreaking for me. I try not to be flashy - but when you drive up in your new car or come back from a Europeen vacation - it's hard to play these things down. Inside, I feel just like the old me - just an average/, middle class suburban girl. It just seems as we get older the differences are becoming more and more obvious.

So, you married some guy that makes a lot of money. Wonderful. So you can buy nice cars, private school, fancy vacations, real costly jewelry, housekeeper, etc,... Good for you. Let's give you a prize. Those things are the easy things in life. How about the relationship with your in laws, his family, your career, your spoiled kids, your relation with him, etc,...

[Anonymous]

Here career? Probably does not exist and never did, which is why she had to go digging for gold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this is like when a really pretty person talks about how hard it is to hang out with her fat, homely friend. Oh, poooor you pretty girl!

It;s genetics and luck that make people rich and pretty. If it were hard work then my housekeeper and my kids' teachers would be loaded.

I agree. The only reason that the OP's husband makes a lot of money is because he's an overpaid lawyer in one of those firms on K Street.

[Anonymous]

It's a Mary/Rhoda thing. Later a Rhoda/Brenda thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it doesn't bother her, I don't see why it should bother you. To be quite honest you sound like you think less of her for making less money.

We make a very modest salary. So far it hasn't happen, but if any of my friends (a few are wealthy) would ever put me down because we make less money, I'd stick my used snow shovel (bought at a yard sale for $1) up their ass.

[Anonymous]

I think the bottom line is that OP wrote this post feeling uncomfortable about what she perceived to be one thing "being richer than her friend" and what she doesn't realize (and what is played out by all of the subsequent posts) is that ther REAL problem is the way she communicates things is bringing out the worst in people...and I daresay this includes her "poor" friend. I have to admit, when I first read the post, I thought "ugh, nouveau riche", but if you look beyong the preening tone of her post, I think she's genuinely confused and sad. OP, try harder not to brag (even though you may not mean to) and you'll be fine.

BTW, one of my BF from waaay back lives way out in the country in TN on an extremely limited income and we still love each other lots and talk about the stuff that matter in our lives when we get together...our feelings, our experiences, and our struggles. She doesn't judge me for living in Chevy Chase and I don't judge her for the choices she made. It's doable if both people are kind to one another.

[Anonymous]

PP - Excellent point. Sometimes the money changes a person, sometimes it doesn't. A distant relative of ours became extremely wealthy with the dot.com era. A billionnare. On Forbes list. Tore an existing house down to build a rediculous huge house larger than anything in this area. The money didn't really change his attitude, but changed the wife's attitude. She is the worst bitch in the world. I like the husband. He's a very nice down to earth guy. We see them at Bar Mitvah's & weddings. Next time I see her, I'm going to throw my wine on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My word, the bitches are out in full force today! Agree that OP left herself open to comments (jealous people need very little incentive to poke holes in someone who has the cheek to acnowledge their privelege) like the above but let's give her the benefit of the doubt. I assume she's posting because she either genuinely wants to keep the friendship on an even keel and is admitting to having some worries and wants advice or (less optimistic view) wants the blessing of strangers to unfriend the friend based on financial differences and the strain that can put on friendships.

OP -- the answer to your question (in my humble view) depends on how much you value and cherish the friendship. I am currently now on both sides of the fence on this, since my husband and I do well for ourselves, but appear to make a lot less than you and your husband, so let me tell you how I feel about it -- in terms of the unspoken competition that can arise, the feelings of being the "poor" friend, the feelings of being the "rich" friend, and why, ultimately, we don't let it consume us:

1. I grew up poor and, because of this, sometimes have feelings like yours -- almost feel like I'm unintentionally "lording it over" less fortunate friends when we're out. I pick up checks all of the time and stress that this is going to come off like showing off rather than generosity (which is how it is intended). At the same time, I admit that sometimes I have to check myself when I find myself accidentally getting annoyed when dear friends don't want to do dinner out due to low funds, etc. After all, if I can't find something for us to do that doesn't require a hefty entrance fee, I'd say we're all pretty lame. Of course, that doesn't mean the financial differences are not obvious. Sometimes when less fortunate friends confide to me that they're really struggling, I am at a loss for words because I don't relate. And sometimes I think "thank god it's not me going through this," which makes me feel guilty. I try not to dwell on it, and I try to ensure that such thoughts never show (because I recognize that they are thoughts of a small person).

2. Now we do okay. I mean, we make about 200K a year (sometimes more, sometimes less) and are buying a modest house. We have friends our age or even younger who live in super nice homes in DC that have probably cost over a million. It's hard not to wonder how they do it -- sometimes we speculate that they have family money or help, or that they're overextending ourselves, and truthfully it is none of our business and we know it, so we try to banish those thoughts. We also consider our lifetsyle differences. For instance, friends just had a baby and have this collosal house that we would envy, if we let ourselves. But then we remember that he works 90 plus hours a week to maintain it and she hates his schedule, and works herself but doesn't like her job, etc. I suppose the point of that rambling paragraph is that there are other comparisons that your friends may be making, and you win some and you lose others!

3. The bottom line is, as I mentioned when i started this post, it all evens out one way or another if you care for one another. There is no need to hide or feel guilty for your wealth. If you find yourself judging yourself or others in terms of wealth, this is a sign of a problem you are having, not others. If you find others are actively behaving as though they are jealous of you, and you're sure it's not all in your mind, then it IS their problem. If you don't behave like a showboat, then they have no right to judge you anymore than you have a right to judge them.

The person who said you should live more modestly is probably one of the jealous folks. There's no need for you to change your lifestyle to match your friends if you do not need to, as long as you take into consideration that your friends can't keep up. Living modestly means you don't boast or make others feel bad about what they don't have -- it doesn't have to mean sacrifice.

Good luck with your frendship.

I suppose it is human nature for some people to try to mentally level the playing field.

Did you have to write a book? Who really wants to read this?

I would have cut out the novel, but I couldn't b/c eliminating it would have ruined the effect of the last PP's statement, which is HILARIOUS!

[Anonymous]

Really? How about INCREDIBLY OBNOXIOUS?

[Anonymous]

I actually enjoy the long posts--it shows that someone is really using their time and effort to hopefully help a poster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually enjoy the long posts--it shows that someone is really using their time and effort to hopefully help a poster.

A long post is a scream for attention.