Forum Index
»
Off-Topic
Being friends when your financial situations are VERY different.....
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
Really? I consider myself to be a fairly literate person but I couldn't find anything at all in the original post even vaguely close to asking how to make a less well-off friend feel comfortable, or whether there was anything she could do to help accomplish that end. In fact, when I read the OP, it struck me that something along this line *wasn't* there. It sounds to me like OP is seeking permission to dump the friend, ostensibly because she feels guilty. I'm not the 16:34 poster, by the way, but I think you've projected quite a bit into the initial post that just isn't there! |
Anonymous
Did you pass English is high school and college? quite possibly not b/c you obviously have no skills in making inferences - And in this case, most of OP's bragging is in your face. So there really is no need for higher order thinking skills. And you're making fun of me by sarcastically calling me a genius? and then to "slam" me by stating that OP quite possibly makes more money than I do??? Maybe OP does. But with that attitude, money is ALL OP will ever have. So take a refresher English course and then try to discuss rhetoric with me b/c you're too easy as a target. |
Anonymous
|
be nice. be considerate. be yourself, but be mindful of bragging. we all make choices--in all areas of life. if she is choosing to remain your friend, you enjoy one another's company, then why wouldn't you choose to remain her friend as well, even with the differences in "lifestyle?"
people who have class and poise can deal with being in your situation, or in hers. |
Anonymous
I'm not 16:34, but why do you assume that any poster is making more than anyone else and inferring that just because someone might make less is somehow bitter about people like the OP. You have no idea what 1634s W2 looks like. Possibly other wealthy people find the OPs blaring Nouveau Riche (via her husband) attitude a big turn off. I suspect that the OP lacks finesse and sophistication by anyone's standard. |
Anonymous
|
FYI, these simple rules apply to everyone...regardless of whether or not you are the wealthy or low-income party in a friendship:
1. No one wants to hear about your vacation. 2. No one wants to hear about the new FILL IN THE BLANK you just bought. 3. No one wants to hear about how SMART/TALENTED/ETC your kid is. 4. No one wants to hear about how much (or how little) money you have. 5. No one wants to hear about how perfect your marriage is. Do you know why? B/c all of these things constitute BRAGGING and no one likes to hear folks brag...regardless of their socioeconomic status. I've heard rich friends make fun of their pals for bragging about their vacations, cars, country clubs, etc. So apparently bragging bothers the wealthy as well. Friends shouldn't brag or try to one up each other...so don't. And friends shouldn't assume that their less wealthy counterparts are secretly envious...gross. Friends should just act like friends --- be kind, courteous, respectful, and genuinely care for each other. |
Anonymous
| PP, I agree with 2-5, but I genuinely like to hear about people's vacations. I love to travel,but don't have as much money to do it as I would like. So, I love hearing about cool trips people take that I might some day get to take myself. But, maybe that is b/c my friends talk about the cool places they've been to. I guess if they went on and on about their 5 star hotel and spa I might not be interested! |
Anonymous
|
My word, the bitches are out in full force today! Agree that OP left herself open to comments (jealous people need very little incentive to poke holes in someone who has the cheek to acnowledge their privelege) like the above but let's give her the benefit of the doubt. I assume she's posting because she either genuinely wants to keep the friendship on an even keel and is admitting to having some worries and wants advice or (less optimistic view) wants the blessing of strangers to unfriend the friend based on financial differences and the strain that can put on friendships.
OP -- the answer to your question (in my humble view) depends on how much you value and cherish the friendship. I am currently now on both sides of the fence on this, since my husband and I do well for ourselves, but appear to make a lot less than you and your husband, so let me tell you how I feel about it -- in terms of the unspoken competition that can arise, the feelings of being the "poor" friend, the feelings of being the "rich" friend, and why, ultimately, we don't let it consume us: 1. I grew up poor and, because of this, sometimes have feelings like yours -- almost feel like I'm unintentionally "lording it over" less fortunate friends when we're out. I pick up checks all of the time and stress that this is going to come off like showing off rather than generosity (which is how it is intended). At the same time, I admit that sometimes I have to check myself when I find myself accidentally getting annoyed when dear friends don't want to do dinner out due to low funds, etc. After all, if I can't find something for us to do that doesn't require a hefty entrance fee, I'd say we're all pretty lame. Of course, that doesn't mean the financial differences are not obvious. Sometimes when less fortunate friends confide to me that they're really struggling, I am at a loss for words because I don't relate. And sometimes I think "thank god it's not me going through this," which makes me feel guilty. I try not to dwell on it, and I try to ensure that such thoughts never show (because I recognize that they are thoughts of a small person). 2. Now we do okay. I mean, we make about 200K a year (sometimes more, sometimes less) and are buying a modest house. We have friends our age or even younger who live in super nice homes in DC that have probably cost over a million. It's hard not to wonder how they do it -- sometimes we speculate that they have family money or help, or that they're overextending ourselves, and truthfully it is none of our business and we know it, so we try to banish those thoughts. We also consider our lifetsyle differences. For instance, friends just had a baby and have this collosal house that we would envy, if we let ourselves. But then we remember that he works 90 plus hours a week to maintain it and she hates his schedule, and works herself but doesn't like her job, etc. I suppose the point of that rambling paragraph is that there are other comparisons that your friends may be making, and you win some and you lose others! 3. The bottom line is, as I mentioned when i started this post, it all evens out one way or another if you care for one another. There is no need to hide or feel guilty for your wealth. If you find yourself judging yourself or others in terms of wealth, this is a sign of a problem you are having, not others. If you find others are actively behaving as though they are jealous of you, and you're sure it's not all in your mind, then it IS their problem. If you don't behave like a showboat, then they have no right to judge you anymore than you have a right to judge them. The person who said you should live more modestly is probably one of the jealous folks. There's no need for you to change your lifestyle to match your friends if you do not need to, as long as you take into consideration that your friends can't keep up. Living modestly means you don't boast or make others feel bad about what they don't have -- it doesn't have to mean sacrifice. Good luck with your frendship. I suppose it is human nature for some people to try to mentally level the playing field. |
Anonymous
| Wow, why are you guys putting down the OP? She has a legit question. OP, if you ask your friend to do stuff, just ask her to do things that are inexpensive -- a cup of coffee at Starbucks, going to a museum, etc, but don't be obvious about it. And yes, I think it's good you're trying not to brag when you meet with your friend. Maybe when you talk with her, talk about things you two have in common? |
Anonymous
Did you have to write a book? Who really wants to read this? |
Anonymous
|
I have a friend that I've known since I was 3 years old, we're both now 45, so it's been a very very long friendship. Through grade school, high school, college, and moves to different states, we were very close. When we were in the 1st grade, her family moved to another city so our moms would write our letters for us! I got married first, she was my maid of honor and then she married a year later and I was her maid of honor. 3 years later I was in the midst of a divorce, thankfully, but for next 8 years, I was broke and working 3 jobs. I kept property after the divorce and wanted to hold onto it. My friend has had a charmed life, really charmed...her parents were still together, she had incredible family vacations, spent a year in Rome in college, went to very expensive college, married her soul mate, and having a second home in Taos NM, etc. I couldn't talk to her anymore, I couldn't take her great life. Fourteen years went by. Just in the last year, we've made contact and are contemplating a visit to see each other.
I regret shoving her out of my life because of her wonderful life. My life is now pretty wonderful but it completely sucked for 8 years. Instead of pushing her away, I should have celebrated her successes in life. Truthfully, I don't think our friendship will ever be the same, and this person I've know for 42 years...it sucks. |
Anonymous
OP you could be me. I am rich--was doing okay before marriage and now am definitely in the top 1%. I grew up middle class and have been used to working for everything and have always been pretty low key but would be lying if I said my life was the same as the people I grew up with. Soo..I have made a point not to discuss trips, didn't make a big deal of our house and you can imagine how shocked my friends from home were when they visited me and saw how I live. I too find myself in the delicate position where I play down what I have and you know..this annoys my husband because he thinks it's silly that I can't talk about trips or other things--we work hard, we pay our taxes (unlike ahemmm some people in the current administration (couldn't resist , we give a lot to charity..we are nice people. He is also a middle class kid but he has the attitude that we have nothing bad to hide and it is condescending to not talk about things because it assumes that other people want what you have and that anyway you can travel even with limited income. He is right..you can't live your life in hiding and there is something about not being truthful which is different than bragging..Frankly you can brag without money..plenty of poor people do their own bragging. What I notice is that there are some people who have limited income who are generally happy--maybe they are in their dream job that doesn't pay..maybe an undiscovered artist..and there are some people with limited funds who are bitter and use their lack of financial productivity to try to make you feel bad. They aren't friends. My dearest friend from college makes a limited income but she is livin her dream..I do pay when we go out and I usually just take the bill and nothing is said and nothing needs to be said..she gets it and I get it and you know what..if the roles were reversed, she would be the first to treat me. I have some friends from home now who drop nasty hints sometimes that I assume is to try to make me feel bad. ex. oh my husband is always home at six because he just loves being with he kids..the assumption is that my husband doesn't love the kids since he works late. Hmmmm bitchy and not true..my husband's job requires long hours and the money that is funding our kid's education is worth it to us..and he also loves his job.
So..I don't know if I am helping you but I would say that coming to the mindset that I am not going to apologize for my life has made me a stronger person and the people I have been friends with are still my friends..they really didn't care as much as I thought they might...they are busy living their own life which is the way it should be. |
Anonymous
|
OP, I think you want to drop your poor friend. Just drop her. Her poverty makes you feel uncomfortable. She's probably tired of you too.
I have many friends at all different income levels. We are friends because we are similar in outlooks, taste, interests, sense of humor. I can't live without my friends. And I don't care where they live or how they live or what junk they have or don't have. All I care about is that they care about me and I care about them, and we have a good time together and support one another. Material things don't enter into it. |
Anonymous
Did you really have to be such a bitch? Who really wants to read your rude reply? I was trying to be helpful, so why don't you do the world a favor and STFU? |
Anonymous
|
Wow, a lot of unnecessary, harsh responses. Says more about the responders than the OP.
It's not bragging for OP to give examples of her current lifestyle (trips, private school, etc.). How is she supposed to accurately convey her situation in order to get good advice, otherwise? Further, just because OP is aware of the financial/lifestyle differences between her and her old friends and worried about any resultant awkwardness or hard feelings does not imply that she's looking for a reason to dump those friends. Of course a true friend who has become affluent will notice her friends' circumstances, worry about them, and want to find ways to be sensitive and helpful. Everyone would be applauding OP if she sought advice about friendship if she were newly pregnant again but her friend was struggling with infertility, or if she were happily married but her friend was going through a divorce, or if her family members were all healthy but her friend's husband or child was suffering from a terrible illness. And this leads to my own thoughts for OP: There are so many ways we can be "up" or "down" in life relative to other people, and it can all turn on a dime at any time anyway. I've been in both situations in a variety of ways. When life is good I try to remember what it was like when it wasn't, when my friends are successful I try to be genuinely happy for them. I'm always grateful when my friends are really happy for me even though their own situations aren't so good. Focus on the things you and your friends really have in common and generate conversation and activities from that. Show that you care about their friendship in non-material ways-- by staying in touch, asking about their lives, listening well, making thoughtful gestures. This will say so much more than picking up a check or buying gifts. It will keep it real and the "stuff" will fade in importance between you. If you feel things are awkward or your friend is having a hard time with her feelings, acknowledge it and talk about it. Remind her why you value her friendship, why you think she's great. Ask her what you can do to make the friendship better or easier for her. Maybe she'd feel better if you never suggested expensive plans and offer to treat, but maybe she'd feel better if you stopped suggesting meeting for coffee and instead treated her to a nice dinner you'd both enjoy. Point is, not everyone will need the same thing in that situation: some people's pride would be burned in the former situation while others would be comforted by the generosity of the latter. Best wishes, OP. If you have really good friendships in your life, you ARE rich. |
Anonymous
|
I have a friend who got married to a REALLY rich person, and we are still friends. We go out the same as we used to. They also go on European vacations, they have a super nice time share somewhere on the beach. They know X, Y, and Z of the rich and famous as well.
I guess one thing that helped maintain the relationship is how 'normal' they are about it. 'We went to spain, it was nice, did this and this, liked this....' there is no sense of bragging, and for me it is also really interesting to know about her lifestyle. Also, both her and her husband are very down to earth. Her lifestyle changed, but she didn't. |