Being friends when your financial situations are VERY different.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually enjoy the long posts--it shows that someone is really using their time and effort to hopefully help a poster.

A long post is a scream for attention.

And really who has time to read through all of the epic posts? I come for a quick check and fast sound bites. Who even has the time to write novels here? Aren't people working or watching their children or doing SOMETHING productive?

It's like sitting down and reading Gone With the Wind.

[Anonymous]

I always joke that I'm the "poor" one among my group of friends. My husband and I both work fulltime and we have kids, and we make about $150k. Pretty middle to upper-middle class for this area.

3-4 of the couples we know all make over $250 combined, and their lifestyles are so different from ours: 2nd home, live-in nanny, huge house, cleaning lady, luxury leased car to the business, etc.

I'm happy for them, most of them are lawyers or do something financial/consulting. It's really only a problem when we want to do something together and we can't agree on what level we'd want to spend.

IE we have a rotating monthly party, and we'd serve hamburgers and hotdogs but this is more of a "culinary" crowd, (so am I, but I still like burgers and dogs!) Or I complain about how I never get the house clean, whereas they don't really have to worry about it --an extra $150-$200 a week is nothing to them but a more serious dent in my budget.

I really like them, but I just realize they are not the people I talk about certain things with--they get it but they're not experiencing budgeting the same way I am right now. Also, it's a little embarrassing that we all went to college together, and I feel pretty successful, together but I still have hand-me-down furniture, don't have time or money to get more than say, drugstore make-up, a haircut every 4-5 months, etc. Embarrassed is too strong a word, but you get the picture.

It's also taught me that life is not a meritocracy, and some people who work hard and are really great people will never make much money even though they deserve to (case in point: my incredible daycare provider!)

OP, really just trying to say-I feel you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always joke that I'm the "poor" one among my group of friends. My husband and I both work fulltime and we have kids, and we make about $150k. Pretty middle to upper-middle class for this area.

3-4 of the couples we know all make over $250 combined, and their lifestyles are so different from ours: 2nd home, live-in nanny, huge house, cleaning lady, luxury leased car to the business, etc.

I'm happy for them, most of them are lawyers or do something financial/consulting. It's really only a problem when we want to do something together and we can't agree on what level we'd want to spend.

IE we have a rotating monthly party, and we'd serve hamburgers and hotdogs but this is more of a "culinary" crowd, (so am I, but I still like burgers and dogs!) Or I complain about how I never get the house clean, whereas they don't really have to worry about it --an extra $150-$200 a week is nothing to them but a more serious dent in my budget.

I really like them, but I just realize they are not the people I talk about certain things with--they get it but they're not experiencing budgeting the same way I am right now. Also, it's a little embarrassing that we all went to college together, and I feel pretty successful, together but I still have hand-me-down furniture, don't have time or money to get more than say, drugstore make-up, a haircut every 4-5 months, etc. Embarrassed is too strong a word, but you get the picture.

It's also taught me that life is not a meritocracy, and some people who work hard and are really great people will never make much money even though they deserve to (case in point: my incredible daycare provider!)

OP, really just trying to say-I feel you.

You are poor. Quality daycare on a 150K/yr salary around here can be brutal, especially when you have "kids" and not a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always joke that I'm the "poor" one among my group of friends. My husband and I both work fulltime and we have kids, and we make about $150k. Pretty middle to upper-middle class for this area.

You are poor. Quality daycare on a 150K/yr salary around here can be brutal, especially when you have "kids" and not a kid.

PP, you're joking, right? Median household income for Washington DC is under $53,000.

[Anonymous]

Let's not go here again. This debate has been done ad nauseam.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually enjoy the long posts--it shows that someone is really using their time and effort to hopefully help a poster.

Also, you're the author of that long post. Puppet!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really? How about INCREDIBLY OBNOXIOUS?

nope - I'll go with my first choice . . . HILARIOUS!!!!

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel your pain.

My best friend doesn't have the gorgeous house I do;
My husband is way better in bed than my cousin's husband;
My child is the most "gifted" in the neighborhood;
I've gotten more promotions at work than anyone in my high school class; and
In double-blind clinical test, my $h-t did not stink half as much as yours.

Sometimes it's hard to get up in the morning knowing that I will have to face all of these people who wish that they were me, but then if I didn't get up in the morning I wouldn't have time to work out and show off my perfectly toned body, which bounced back from pregnancy much faster than my hairdresser's.

Seriously, you lucked into a marriage that has lots of money attached to it. Go volunteer and help someone else, and then go to coffee with your friend and talk to her about whatever you used to talk about. Kids. Movies. Whatever interests you still have that can't be purchased.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel your pain.

My best friend doesn't have the gorgeous house I do;
My husband is way better in bed than my cousin's husband;
My child is the most "gifted" in the neighborhood;
I've gotten more promotions at work than anyone in my high school class; and
In double-blind clinical test, my $h-t did not stink half as much as yours.

Sometimes it's hard to get up in the morning knowing that I will have to face all of these people who wish that they were me, but then if I didn't get up in the morning I wouldn't have time to work out and show off my perfectly toned body, which bounced back from pregnancy much faster than my hairdresser's.

Seriously, you lucked into a marriage that has lots of money attached to it. Go volunteer and help someone else, and then go to coffee with your friend and talk to her about whatever you used to talk about. Kids. Movies. Whatever interests you still have that can't be purchased.

PP, you mean to say that you had SEX with your cousin's husband? sorry it wasn't worth it . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel your pain.

My best friend doesn't have the gorgeous house I do;
My husband is way better in bed than my cousin's husband;
My child is the most "gifted" in the neighborhood;
I've gotten more promotions at work than anyone in my high school class; and
In double-blind clinical test, my $h-t did not stink half as much as yours.

Sometimes it's hard to get up in the morning knowing that I will have to face all of these people who wish that they were me, but then if I didn't get up in the morning I wouldn't have time to work out and show off my perfectly toned body, which bounced back from pregnancy much faster than my hairdresser's.

Seriously, you lucked into a marriage that has lots of money attached to it. Go volunteer and help someone else, and then go to coffee with your friend and talk to her about whatever you used to talk about. Kids. Movies. Whatever interests you still have that can't be purchased.

PP, you mean to say that you had SEX with your cousin's husband? sorry it wasn't worth it . . .

We actually learned this during the rigorous application process for my daughter's pre-k--- which my cousin's lame-ass kid did NOT get into. Only the very best of the very best get to go there, so my husband and hers had to undergo some very intimate scrutiny (screw-tiny?). This was, of course, after I'd passed the breast-to-ass ratio test with flying colors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really? How about INCREDIBLY OBNOXIOUS?

nope - I'll go with my first choice . . . HILARIOUS!!!!

As the poster you are debating (not the writer of epic novels) You're making me blush.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My word, the bitches are out in full force today! Agree that OP left herself open to comments (jealous people need very little incentive to poke holes in someone who has the cheek to acnowledge their privelege) like the above but let's give her the benefit of the doubt. I assume she's posting because she either genuinely wants to keep the friendship on an even keel and is admitting to having some worries and wants advice or (less optimistic view) wants the blessing of strangers to unfriend the friend based on financial differences and the strain that can put on friendships.

OP -- the answer to your question (in my humble view) depends on how much you value and cherish the friendship. I am currently now on both sides of the fence on this, since my husband and I do well for ourselves, but appear to make a lot less than you and your husband, so let me tell you how I feel about it -- in terms of the unspoken competition that can arise, the feelings of being the "poor" friend, the feelings of being the "rich" friend, and why, ultimately, we don't let it consume us:

1. I grew up poor and, because of this, sometimes have feelings like yours -- almost feel like I'm unintentionally "lording it over" less fortunate friends when we're out. I pick up checks all of the time and stress that this is going to come off like showing off rather than generosity (which is how it is intended). At the same time, I admit that sometimes I have to check myself when I find myself accidentally getting annoyed when dear friends don't want to do dinner out due to low funds, etc. After all, if I can't find something for us to do that doesn't require a hefty entrance fee, I'd say we're all pretty lame. Of course, that doesn't mean the financial differences are not obvious. Sometimes when less fortunate friends confide to me that they're really struggling, I am at a loss for words because I don't relate. And sometimes I think "thank god it's not me going through this," which makes me feel guilty. I try not to dwell on it, and I try to ensure that such thoughts never show (because I recognize that they are thoughts of a small person).

2. Now we do okay. I mean, we make about 200K a year (sometimes more, sometimes less) and are buying a modest house. We have friends our age or even younger who live in super nice homes in DC that have probably cost over a million. It's hard not to wonder how they do it -- sometimes we speculate that they have family money or help, or that they're overextending ourselves, and truthfully it is none of our business and we know it, so we try to banish those thoughts. We also consider our lifetsyle differences. For instance, friends just had a baby and have this collosal house that we would envy, if we let ourselves. But then we remember that he works 90 plus hours a week to maintain it and she hates his schedule, and works herself but doesn't like her job, etc. I suppose the point of that rambling paragraph is that there are other comparisons that your friends may be making, and you win some and you lose others!

3. The bottom line is, as I mentioned when i started this post, it all evens out one way or another if you care for one another. There is no need to hide or feel guilty for your wealth. If you find yourself judging yourself or others in terms of wealth, this is a sign of a problem you are having, not others. If you find others are actively behaving as though they are jealous of you, and you're sure it's not all in your mind, then it IS their problem. If you don't behave like a showboat, then they have no right to judge you anymore than you have a right to judge them.

The person who said you should live more modestly is probably one of the jealous folks. There's no need for you to change your lifestyle to match your friends if you do not need to, as long as you take into consideration that your friends can't keep up. Living modestly means you don't boast or make others feel bad about what they don't have -- it doesn't have to mean sacrifice.

Good luck with your frendship.

I suppose it is human nature for some people to try to mentally level the playing field.

"I grew up poor ". I believe you. What is privelege? What is collosal? What is frendship? .... "that they're overextending ourselves' Huh?

Oh my gosh, you really must feel bad about yourself to want to take a shot at a stranger on a message board over typos. I've said nothing nasty, yet you feel it's good form to make a crack about my growing up poor, as if that's the explanation for a few harmless typos you found in my post. Yes, wow, you got me -- I typed that one off without proofreading. But let's talk about you for a moment: if you lack the intellectual prowess to understand that "frendship," means "friendship" and to mentally correct the other spelling and syntax errors I made while quickly typing a reply, you're not just an idiot, you're a colossal idiot. And the fact that you took the time to read my post and then read through again to find mistakes demonstrates a lot about your life and what's NOT in it (hint: hobbies and interests, activities, family time, etc). Don't worry, though; I don't view your lack of intellect or a life as some form of litmus test that proves your socioeconomic status growing up ---- I just think you're an asshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually enjoy the long posts--it shows that someone is really using their time and effort to hopefully help a poster.

Also, you're the author of that long post. Puppet!

No, I am the author of the long post and did not write the above comment. As for you, PP, you're a jerk. Here is a shocking bit of advice for you, though, and since you have trouble reading long paragraphs without moving your lips (gets so tiring!) I'll spoonfeed it to you in very short sentences.

You don't have to read the long posts. Yes, it's true. You are allowed to skip them. Hot damn!

[Anonymous]

Third post from epic novelist here -- one last thought related to someone's claim that a "long post is a cry for attention." Oh yes. "look at meeeeeeeeeeeee my post is so looooooooooong! Pay attention to meeeeeeeeee" That makes no sense at all. We are all anonymous strangers on a message board, which is why so many of you have gotten your kicks by ripping into me for a well-intentioned, if overlong, message that I wrote with the genuine attempt to help a stranger on a message board. What "attention" could I get? The only attention I attracted was some bitch telling me that my message was too long (when she could have just skipped it) and another (or the same?) bitch poking fun at my typos and suggesting they resulted from my impoverished people. Take a moment to remember that even though you're writing this stuff anonymously to another anonymous person, you're still being rude, and you're still being mean to a real, live person. I hope the posters being so rude here are just bored at work or with staying at home or whatever else and not really this insipid and petty in real life. Yuck! I'm over this thread -- good luck OP! I think some of the posters here are jealous because you have more money than them, and some of them just want to make others feel bad about having less money than them. Goes to show that rudeness knows no socioeconomic borders and there is trash everywhere.

[Anonymous]

Lest anyone think my typo indicate poverty again, let me clarify I meant "background," not "people," in this phrase:

"they resulted from my impoverished people"