Being friends when your financial situations are VERY different.....

[Anonymous]

Does anyone have insight from either side of the fence in this scenario? I have a few good fiends who go way back and we are all still close. We all had the same upbringing in terms of education, resources, etc. Now, in many ways, our lives are different. I have married someone who earns a lot of money - we have "moved up" in the world - so to speak. Fundraisers, nice cars, private school, fancy vacations. One friend in particular is living a life which is polar opposite: low, low income, no house, broken down cars....you get the picture. It is so hard for me to spend time with this friend because I feel incredibly guilty (she doesn't say things - but I imagine how I would feel if the shoe were on the other foot). It is heartbreaking for me. I try not to be flashy - but when you drive up in your new car or come back from a Europeen vacation - it's hard to play these things down. Inside, I feel just like the old me - just an average/, middle class suburban girl. It just seems as we get older the differences are becoming more and more obvious.

[Anonymous]

isn't that a movie starring jennifer aniston?

[Anonymous]

If it doesn't bother her, I don't see why it should bother you. To be quite honest you sound like you think less of her for making less money.

[Anonymous]

There is more to a person than money - obviously, else you would not have bothered maintaining the friendship this long.

Get over your pride and affluence and be the same person that made you her friend to begin with. You're the one that seems to have a problem with being too rich.

[Anonymous]

No, I do not experience this problem. We do well for ourselves (though not because I married up) and I don't see it as problem. I also make a point not to brag or unintentionally brag. I also always pick up the tab when we go out with people who are in a different financial spot. We had a girls week in Costa Rica last year and I paid for my BF to go because she could not have afforded it. Generosity goes a long way. I did not grow up suburban, but grew up poor.


Next time you visit Europe it is European.

[Anonymous]

Nope. Been on both sides. Don't care either way. Friends are friends. You might be growing apart for a variety of reasons, but money wouldn't be one of them. In other words, it would jeopardize a good friendship among healthy people.

[Anonymous]

I think PPs are being unnecessarily harsh. While I wouldn't say I am affluent by any stretch of the imagination, I am able to afford to stay home with my baby. I have one very good friend who desperately wants to be home but can't afford it. I just try to be sensitive to this and aware of it when I we talk about our situations. I know I am lucky and don't ever want to sound like I take it for granted with this friend.

OP, in your case it sounds like you are already aware of the potential awkwardness your financial situation may cause. Just try not to spend a lot of time talking (and definitely not bragging) about your cars and vacations, etc. and focus on other aspects of your life/friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone have insight from either side of the fence in this scenario? I have a few good fiends who go way back and we are all still close. We all had the same upbringing in terms of education, resources, etc. Now, in many ways, our lives are different. I have married someone who earns a lot of money - we have "moved up" in the world - so to speak. Fundraisers, nice cars, private school, fancy vacations. One friend in particular is living a life which is polar opposite: low, low income, no house, broken down cars....you get the picture. It is so hard for me to spend time with this friend because I feel incredibly guilty (she doesn't say things - but I imagine how I would feel if the shoe were on the other foot). It is heartbreaking for me. I try not to be flashy - but when you drive up in your new car or come back from a Europeen vacation - it's hard to play these things down. Inside, I feel just like the old me - just an average/, middle class suburban girl. It just seems as we get older the differences are becoming more and more obvious.

Allow me to highlight some of your flaws.
- You think of your friends as fiends instead of friends.
- quite the braggart, eh? "fundraisers, nice cars, private school, fancy vacations - your new car or come back from a EuropeAn vacation" - Your need to support how rich you are is ridiculous.
- By comparison, you berate your friend for having a "low, low income." nice of you to emphasize how low her income is. Why not simply mention how much she makes instead?

It's hard to play these things down? Do you HAVE to be flashy? My friend's parents are millionaires. They live in a 3 bedroom home that's probably worth around $400K. They drive older cars, sent their kids to public school, and took "regular" vacations to the beach. Why not try to live more modestly? Maybe then your friendships will blossom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:isn't that a movie starring jennifer aniston?

I LOVE this response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone have insight from either side of the fence in this scenario? I have a few good fiends who go way back and we are all still close. We all had the same upbringing in terms of education, resources, etc. Now, in many ways, our lives are different. I have married someone who earns a lot of money - we have "moved up" in the world - so to speak. Fundraisers, nice cars, private school, fancy vacations. One friend in particular is living a life which is polar opposite: low, low income, no house, broken down cars....you get the picture. It is so hard for me to spend time with this friend because I feel incredibly guilty (she doesn't say things - but I imagine how I would feel if the shoe were on the other foot). It is heartbreaking for me. I try not to be flashy - but when you drive up in your new car or come back from a Europeen vacation - it's hard to play these things down. Inside, I feel just like the old me - just an average/, middle class suburban girl. It just seems as we get older the differences are becoming more and more obvious.

Allow me to highlight some of your flaws.
- You think of your friends as fiends instead of friends.
- quite the braggart, eh? "fundraisers, nice cars, private school, fancy vacations - your new car or come back from a EuropeAn vacation" - Your need to support how rich you are is ridiculous.
- By comparison, you berate your friend for having a "low, low income." nice of you to emphasize how low her income is. Why not simply mention how much she makes instead?

It's hard to play these things down? Do you HAVE to be flashy? My friend's parents are millionaires. They live in a 3 bedroom home that's probably worth around $400K. They drive older cars, sent their kids to public school, and took "regular" vacations to the beach. Why not try to live more modestly? Maybe then your friendships will blossom.

HAHAHAHA

[Anonymous]

Anon at 16:34 - that's the stupidest response to a question I've ever heard. OP didn't ask you to comment on her lifestyle or your views of people that have more money than others (and than you, I'm guessing) and how they spend such money. She simply asked for our views on how to make a less well-off friend feel comfortable about the situation and, specifically, whether there was anything she could do/change about her own behavior to accomplish this end. She also didn't ask you for spelling tips, genius.

OP - I think that, with old friends, you are who you are, and as long as you stay loyal to that person, what you have - whether you live in a $2 mill home or a $200,000 home - doesn't matter that much. I wouldn't go out of my way to hide everything about my material possessions (cars, trips, etc.) either - I just wouldn't make a big deal of them.

Most of our friends seem to be in the same (better off) financial bracket that we are, but I definitely have some friends from the high school/ college era who are not. With those people, I go to the restaurants they choose (not super fancy ones that they would struggle to afford), have them over for dinner/drinks, and don't harp on anything super frivolous we're doing with money. The end. They don't seem to be offended by my state of being.

[Anonymous]

OP, don't be so impressed with yourself. You just are riding the coat tails of a hard working man. Clearly with your spelling, you probably would have a low low income yourself if you had to make it on your own.

Maybe when you are traded in one day, you will have more in common with your old "fiend".

[Anonymous]

OP, don't be so impressed with yourself. You just are riding the coat tails of a hard working man. Clearly with your spelling, you probably would have a low low income yourself if you had to make it on your own.

Maybe when you are traded in one day, you will have more in common with your old "fiend".

This!

[Anonymous]

I find it very, very easy to temporarily level the $ playing field -- in both directions -- when I'm with friends who don't earn the same exact income as we do. There are just so many topics to discuss besides your vacation, you know? Whether the vacation was at a KOA campground or in Nice.

Some to start with - a good/bad boss; the visiting art exhibit at the (free) Smithsonian; teething babies ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I do not experience this problem. We do well for ourselves (though not because I married up) and I don't see it as problem. I also make a point not to brag or unintentionally brag. I also always pick up the tab when we go out with people who are in a different financial spot. We had a girls week in Costa Rica last year and I paid for my BF to go because she could not have afforded it. Generosity goes a long way. I did not grow up suburban, but grew up poor.


Next time you visit Europe it is European.

You sound like such a snob yet you're bragging about how humble you are.