I love him but the sex isn't great

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[Post New]03/14/2015 06:13
quote
Anonymous
I have had the same issue(s).

Had an ex who was the biggest mistake of my life EVER, treated me like dirt and almost ruined me, yet the sex was off the hook.

Then meet a nice guy who is a lousy lover. Period.

Feel conflicted.

My opinion is that you should never ever have to settle when it comes to love. Because love is something that should either be all or nothing.

Who wants a half-assed relationship?

Either I want to be 100% fulfilled in love or 100% single and alone.

No gray areas here.
[Post New]03/14/2015 07:57
quote
Anonymous
But you see, I always thought there was more to a relationship than sex. As long as the intimacy was good, if the sex was just ok then it would be fine. I posted above about how over a decade of marriage it was not just ok. It really opened my eyes to me, and I am surprised. I hope my next serious relationship, someone I would want to marry, does not put me in the same position. I really hated thinking thst way about my ex, but over time, I couldn't help it. Now, I am divorced almost 2 years, still not dating ( taking a while to get over the emotional and physical abuse from marriage) and feel like I have not had good sex in more than a decade. Geez, don't even remember how to give a good bj, and I used to like to.
[Post New]03/14/2015 09:19
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I have had the same issue(s).

Had an ex who was the biggest mistake of my life EVER, treated me like dirt and almost ruined me, yet the sex was off the hook.

Then meet a nice guy who is a lousy lover. Period.

Feel conflicted.

My opinion is that you should never ever have to settle when it comes to love. Because love is something that should either be all or nothing.

Who wants a half-assed relationship?

Either I want to be 100% fulfilled in love or 100% single and alone.

No gray areas here.


Is this the 10,000,001 or 10,000,002 time this has been on DCUM? Jerks don't care. Because they don't care the sex is great because they don't have anxiety about it. When the jerk meets a woman he really likes, it changes.
[Post New]03/14/2015 09:40
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I have had the same issue(s).

Had an ex who was the biggest mistake of my life EVER, treated me like dirt and almost ruined me, yet the sex was off the hook.

Then meet a nice guy who is a lousy lover. Period.

Feel conflicted.

My opinion is that you should never ever have to settle when it comes to love. Because love is something that should either be all or nothing.

Who wants a half-assed relationship?

Either I want to be 100% fulfilled in love or 100% single and alone.

No gray areas here.

How old are you?
[Post New]03/14/2015 12:17
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have had the same issue(s).

Had an ex who was the biggest mistake of my life EVER, treated me like dirt and almost ruined me, yet the sex was off the hook.

Then meet a nice guy who is a lousy lover. Period.

Feel conflicted.

My opinion is that you should never ever have to settle when it comes to love. Because love is something that should either be all or nothing.

Who wants a half-assed relationship?

Either I want to be 100% fulfilled in love or 100% single and alone.

No gray areas here.


Is this the 10,000,001 or 10,000,002 time this has been on DCUM? Jerks don't care. Because they don't care the sex is great because they don't have anxiety about it. When the jerk meets a woman he really likes, it changes.

No, some guys are just better and more skilled lovers than others. Meeting a woman you really like doesn't take all of your skills away.
[Post New]03/14/2015 14:53
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have had the same issue(s).

Had an ex who was the biggest mistake of my life EVER, treated me like dirt and almost ruined me, yet the sex was off the hook.

Then meet a nice guy who is a lousy lover. Period.

Feel conflicted.

My opinion is that you should never ever have to settle when it comes to love. Because love is something that should either be all or nothing.

Who wants a half-assed relationship?

Either I want to be 100% fulfilled in love or 100% single and alone.

No gray areas here.


Is this the 10,000,001 or 10,000,002 time this has been on DCUM? Jerks don't care. Because they don't care the sex is great because they don't have anxiety about it. When the jerk meets a woman he really likes, it changes.


Why does it have to be one or the other? I am a reasonably nice guy who will do anything in bed my wife wants to try and surprises her with nights in hotels to get some passion into it?
[Post New]03/14/2015 16:40
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:

Why does it have to be one or the other? I am a reasonably nice guy who will do anything in bed my wife wants to try and surprises her with nights in hotels to get some passion into it?


Funny. I'm a nice guy, thoughtful and considerate with the wife. Back when I was dating around before we met I was anything but. Not proud of my behavior, but I could get pretty much any woman I was interested in. That's not how I want to be now, and not how I have been w DW.

However things had gotten stale between us. DW would rarely initiate, and would often act annoyed if I tried to initiate but she wasn't in the mood. But whatever. We have been together over 20 years now, so we kind of have each other down so I thought. Well, we had a pretty huge fight a few months ago. It started with me doing (I thought) a nice favor for her, and she basically turned it around to the only reason I was doing it was so she would have sex w me. Probably worst fight we have had in 10 years. In the middle of it I was thinking fuck this shit I am out. We both calmed down, but a switch flipped inside me, and at that time and to this point I honestly could not care less if we never fuck again. I'm not looking to cheat, I can jerk off when I need release, and we have young kids, so I'm not going anywhere. But something in my fundamental desire for her changed.

Anyway, since then I have been emotionally cool towards her. I still ask her how her day is when I get home, listen to her, but I don't fawn over her or lavish affection on her. I will give her an occasional hug but no sexual contact, no flirting or sexual inuendo during conversations, just cool. I still take care of shit around the house, etc. I just kind of 86'ed the sexual aspect of our relationship in terms of my expectations.

About a week into that, I'm on the computer doing some work, and she comes in, sits on my lap, starts getting very affectionate, basically gives me a lap dance. We go upstairs and have some really good sex that she is way more into than usual. It has been that way since, with me staying aloof and her wanting to bone. A. Lot.

I still don't know what to think.


TL;DR: I will never understand women; being a bit dickish to my DW has turned her sex drive way up.
[Post New]03/14/2015 19:16
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:And I've been having dreams of my ex. Ex was a jackass and I don't want to be with him but the sex was amazing. I love my bf but he lasts about 2 mins in bed. He is amazing to me and I want to be with him for life but how do I get past this constant craving for sexual satisfaction. I will not cheat on him.


This thread is really sticking me hard, and I think I've worked out why. To me, the OP's sentiment is selfish and therefore unfair to the person she professes to love.

The way it is framed, OP places the responsibility for her sexual fulfillment squarely on her BF's shoulders. I immediately felt for the guy here. To hear, "I love you, but your don't satisfy me" is about as big of a blow an SO can deliver.

Instead of just the usual "he should up his game" trope, how about recognizing some mutual responsibility for the health of the relationship?

What if the OP thought, "Because I love him, I will..."

...be the one who initiates sex.

...send a hot text during the day to help build my own anticipation.

...say, put your tongue exactly where I want it.

...compliment him on his prowess.

...play out one of my fantasies with him, but without asking first. I'll just do it for the adventure.

You never know, your own inhibitions may inhibit him. Can you do things that you enjoy while simultaneously building his confidence?

Being game, giving, and committed to making things better are worthwhile manifestations of the love you profess. Who knows that kind of willingness as opposed to thinking, "he doesn't do it for me" may be magical.

To feel that way and not tell him (or work on a solution yourself) is incredibly unfair to him. You will leave him wondering why he can't please you, resentment may grow, and you'll be denying him one of the most powerful joys of a relationship (the confidence that your partner has chosen you as a fulfilling lover).

If you can't do that, you need to tell him so that he can make his own choice about staying with you. As painful as that may be, he has the same right to happiness and joy in his relationship as you do.


I did all those things and more and it never got better. He even told me flat out to stop telling him what to do. Sometimes there is no fixing it, no matter how much a woman takes matters into her own hands. In my ex's case, I believes he may have been sexually abused as child, based on a lot of things I learned later from his mom and family, but he completely shut down any attempt to talk about it- got very angry and accusatory towards me. So I will never know the reason, but I do know I didn't have an orgasm with I'm for 7 years before finally getting divorced.
[Post New]03/14/2015 19:59
quote
Elektra
Member Offline
OP, does he not give you orgasms at all? You didn't explain the problem in detail. He lasts 2 minutes but is he able to go again soon after that? Is he learning how to give you an orgasm? I am not sure how bad your situation is.

I am not someone who has ever stayed in a relationship with bad sex for long enough to fall in love but this is quite a predicament unless you can get him up to speed. I would certainly not commit to a lifetime of bad sex.
[Post New]03/14/2015 21:22
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I have had the same issue(s).

Had an ex who was the biggest mistake of my life EVER, treated me like dirt and almost ruined me, yet the sex was off the hook.

Then meet a nice guy who is a lousy lover. Period.

Feel conflicted.

My opinion is that you should never ever have to settle when it comes to love. Because love is something that should either be all or nothing.

Who wants a half-assed relationship?

Either I want to be 100% fulfilled in love or 100% single and alone.

No gray areas here.


Same for me on the ex. He was a huge mistake but he was a prodigy at oral sex and he was really well endowed. He would have sex with me anywhere, anytime (up against my car, against a wall, restaurant bathroom,etc) and I would have to beg him to stop. That being said, I didn't love him. I do love my DH and wouldn't trade him for all the great sex in the world. I do occasionally daydream about the ex though.
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