I love him but the sex isn't great

[Anonymous]

OP I think it is great that he is trying, if you both can get to a place where the sex improves for you and everyone is happy than that is wonderful.

BUT loving this man AND thinking about how another man, that you didn't love, was more compatible sexually, is a problem. And will continue to be a problem.

I was with someone and had these feelings, needless to say over time we were less compatible in other areas.

I am now in a relationship with the nice guy that I adore AND it is the best sex of my life, I can't imagine settling on that front... the intimacy is really important and if you have problems now..over time it will get worse if not dealt with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in your shoes. Now married 11 years and it is a huge problem in our marriage. I said I would not cheat, but I did. We have over problems besides sex as well.

Honestly, this is a red flag. Don't ignore it and see if you can work together to improve it before committing to marriage.

+1

[Anonymous]

He is the one who brought up the issue of his not lasting long. He wants to fix it. That is why I am taking "dump him immediately" off the table. He is into oral and using toys. It isn't that I want to have long amounts of sex, I love being with him for the intimacy. He knows this but he also knows that I am not always satisfied .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He needs to work on his skills. There are books he can read, pills he can take, and toys he can buy. You need to help him learn to satisfy you.

+1. Are the rest of you guys all missing the part where she says she really loves him and he's wonderful and trying to get better at pleasing her? Come on, ladies, are wonderful men really growing on trees? Right. No. They are not. It's so easy to tell other people to dump/divorce/walk out on their S.O.'s, but here in the real world where love is not so easy to find, there are less scorched-earth ways to work on problems.

DH here: please don't do this. I don't think many of the women here recognize this, but it is literally soul-killing to be the husband of a woman who loves you and thinks you are a wonderful man, but has no sexual interest. It is a terrible, terrible situation to put a man in.

That's how I got my boyfriend. He and his wife are really close, but she's just not thrilled about sleeping with him. Her loss, my gain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dump him. 2 minutes in bed? That's a huge problem, that I dont think could even be changed. And if you tried to, he would probably get resentful.


Or tell him you can't have sex with him until he learns how to get you off first. See how that goes over.

Yes, you must make sure he gives you yours first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And I've been having dreams of my ex. Ex was a jackass and I don't want to be with him but the sex was amazing. I love my bf but he lasts about 2 mins in bed. He is amazing to me and I want to be with him for life but how do I get past this constant craving for sexual satisfaction. I will not cheat on him.

This is so typical. The best sex is always with the guy who was a jerk. Why? Psychology - the bad boy is perceived as more confident, more masculine and sex is mostly in the brain anyway. But seriously OP, lasting more than two minutes can easily be cured. When I was dating and was pretty sure sex would happen that night, I would whack off before the date so I could be in better control of myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:get yourself a crush to help satisfy your needs a little more. obviously since it's a celebrity etc. you can't act on it.

as my DH aged he lasts longer and longer, so I think there are a few physical things at play. focus on your real needs and how he can help meet them.

if he ends too fast work on dragging it out, have him pull out in the middle and add more other play. you have to work on it. you have the GOOD man that is hard to find!

he may never be great in bed, but he can change and improve.

This is bad advice. My wife did this and I found out about the crush, which she indulges daily. Now I feel like I'm her second choice. She dismisses my feelings says I'm ridiculous. I try to let her have her fun, but I feel like it's disrespectful. I recall something in our wedding vows about putting each other ahead of all others.

[Anonymous]

I had that too and I married him. My dissatisfaction and his refusal to even talk about it no matter how nice I am. After a while it even started to hurt my self esteem, that there was something about me.

Within 2-3 years I dreaded sex because I had to fake it so I didn't hurt his feelings and create more problems. By 8 years I was down right resentful. It helped (other facts helped and were somewhat interelated) kill my love for him. He noticed and things really went downhill from there. We are no longer married and while I thought his good qualities were enough to overcome his 30-second sex (and total lack of oral), over time they were not.

[Anonymous]

13:51, if my wife minimized me like this, there would be serious repercussions for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13:51, if my wife minimized me like this, there would be serious repercussions for her.

Like...

Resentment
Diminished trust
Heightened insecurity

Some days I feel like she is trying to sabotage our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is the one who brought up the issue of his not lasting long. He wants to fix it. That is why I am taking "dump him immediately" off the table. He is into oral and using toys. It isn't that I want to have long amounts of sex, I love being with him for the intimacy. He knows this but he also knows that I am not always satisfied .

He sounds like a good guy who is really looking to satisfy you -- for me, that's pretty damn sexy and promising.

I think making him stop before he finishes several times. The best way to control that is you on top. My DH has occasional issues with coming too fast and a couple of sessions of me on top teasing the shit out of him yields quick improvement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in your shoes. Now married 11 years and it is a huge problem in our marriage. I said I would not cheat, but I did. We have over problems besides sex as well.

Honestly, this is a red flag. Don't ignore it and see if you can work together to improve it before committing to marriage.

Sex is everything. Those who say "sex isn't everything" are either lying or delusional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:get yourself a crush to help satisfy your needs a little more. obviously since it's a celebrity etc. you can't act on it.

as my DH aged he lasts longer and longer, so I think there are a few physical things at play. focus on your real needs and how he can help meet them.

if he ends too fast work on dragging it out, have him pull out in the middle and add more other play. you have to work on it. you have the GOOD man that is hard to find!

he may never be great in bed, but he can change and improve.

This is bad advice. My wife did this and I found out about the crush, which she indulges daily. Now I feel like I'm her second choice. She dismisses my feelings says I'm ridiculous. I try to let her have her fun, but I feel like it's disrespectful. I recall something in our wedding vows about putting each other ahead of all others.

You are a man. A man on DCUM. That makes you a second-class citiz... Bitch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well he is very open to making changes in our sex life. Like for example, he asked if there's anything he can do differently. We have talked about more foreplay and having more buildup to the main event. It's getting better. Like I said, I never loved my ex and I love my bf so much but I'm horny all the time and I want to be fulfilled and not always by my toys

Dude needs to try Kegels.

[Anonymous]

Watch some pornos together. Really.

-DW of 18 years, together for 22. Sex is amazing compared to how things were even before marriage, kids.

It does and can get better.