Reply to I love him but the sex isn't great

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]And I've been having dreams of my ex. Ex was a jackass and I don't want to be with him but the sex was amazing. I love my bf but he lasts about 2 mins in bed. He is amazing to me and I want to be with him for life but how do I get past this constant craving for sexual satisfaction. I will not cheat on him. [/quote]

This thread is really sticking me hard, and I think I've worked out why. To me, the OP's sentiment is selfish and therefore unfair to the person she professes to love.

The way it is framed, OP places the responsibility for her sexual fulfillment squarely on her BF's shoulders. I immediately felt for the guy here. To hear, "I love you, but your don't satisfy me" is about as big of a blow an SO can deliver.

Instead of just the usual "he should up his game" trope, how about recognizing some mutual responsibility for the health of the relationship?

What if the OP thought, "Because I love him, I will..."

...be the one who initiates sex.

...send a hot text during the day to help build my own anticipation.

...say, put your tongue exactly where I want it.

...compliment him on his prowess.

...play out one of my fantasies with him, but without asking first. I'll just do it for the adventure.

You never know, your own inhibitions may inhibit him. Can you do things that you enjoy while simultaneously building his confidence?

Being game, giving, and committed to making things better are worthwhile manifestations of the love you profess. Who knows that kind of willingness as opposed to thinking, "he doesn't do it for me" may be magical.

To feel that way and not tell him (or work on a solution yourself) is incredibly unfair to him. You will leave him wondering why he can't please you, resentment may grow, and you'll be denying him one of the most powerful joys of a relationship (the confidence that your partner has chosen you as a fulfilling lover).

If you can't do that, you need to tell him so that he can make his own choice about staying with you. As painful as that may be, he has the same right to happiness and joy in his relationship as you do. 
[/quote]

I did all those things and more and it never got better. He even told me flat out to stop telling him what to do. Sometimes there is no fixing it, no matter how much a woman takes matters into her own hands. In my ex's case, I believes he may have been sexually abused as child, based on a lot of things I learned later from his mom and family, but he completely shut down any attempt to talk about it- got very angry and accusatory towards me. So I will never know the reason, but I do know I didn't have an orgasm with I'm for 7 years before finally getting divorced.[/quote]

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