I love him but the sex isn't great

[Anonymous]

He needs to work on his skills. There are books he can read, pills he can take, and toys he can buy. You need to help him learn to satisfy you.

[Anonymous]

Deal breaker for me. The sex won't get better with time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs to work on his skills. There are books he can read, pills he can take, and toys he can buy. You need to help him learn to satisfy you.

+1. Are the rest of you guys all missing the part where she says she really loves him and he's wonderful and trying to get better at pleasing her? Come on, ladies, are wonderful men really growing on trees? Right. No. They are not. It's so easy to tell other people to dump/divorce/walk out on their S.O.'s, but here in the real world where love is not so easy to find, there are less scorched-earth ways to work on problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BREAK UP NOW!!!!! Read all the threads about sexless marriages- they are a time machine to your future if you marry this man.

I know of what I speak. I married a man who seemed great but the sex was lackluster. I thought, well, maybe amazing sex is not the most important thing in a lifetime partnership, maybe it will get better over time as we grow into our marriage, maybe I don't need sex as much as I think I do. The answer is NO, it is not okay. I grew resentful because I did want satisfying sex, and then my sex drive did die because it was so frustrating to never be really satisfied. I tried telling him directly what I liked, showing him, asking about fantasies, etc but he was not interested in responding. Not only was he sexually unsatisfying, I realized after years of this that it's a sign of larger personality flaws too- selfishness, lack of emotional connection and empathy, rigid thinking, etc.

Do yourself and him a favor and end it now. Life is way too long to trap yourself into bad sex.

+1. This, exactly. I strongly believe that lackluster sex is a sign of bigger incompatibilities that become more evident over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He needs to work on his skills. There are books he can read, pills he can take, and toys he can buy. You need to help him learn to satisfy you.

+1. Are the rest of you guys all missing the part where she says she really loves him and he's wonderful and trying to get better at pleasing her? Come on, ladies, are wonderful men really growing on trees? Right. No. They are not. It's so easy to tell other people to dump/divorce/walk out on their S.O.'s, but here in the real world where love is not so easy to find, there are less scorched-earth ways to work on problems.

Yep, quite a bit of projecting by some bitter women here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He needs to work on his skills. There are books he can read, pills he can take, and toys he can buy. You need to help him learn to satisfy you.

+1. Are the rest of you guys all missing the part where she says she really loves him and he's wonderful and trying to get better at pleasing her? Come on, ladies, are wonderful men really growing on trees? Right. No. They are not. It's so easy to tell other people to dump/divorce/walk out on their S.O.'s, but here in the real world where love is not so easy to find, there are less scorched-earth ways to work on problems.

No idea if it's the case here -- and the premature ejaculation suggests it may not be -- but some women get off on the bad boys. So, for that subset of women, it's the very fact of being a wonderful man that causes the sexual incompatibility. And what woman is going to tell a guy, "you have to be more selfish and make me unhappy in other parts of my life to make me happy sexually"?

[Anonymous]

OP, I was in your exact situation. I had an exciting ex who I never loved but the sex was amazing! I neverrrr would have married him. Shortly after that fizzled out, I met my now husband. He was never great in bed but is wonderful in other ways. We have worked on our issues and while sex isn't mind blowing, it's pretty damn good! The key was that we were both willing to improve things and openly communicate our needs. It really depends on how dedicated you both are making it work!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He needs to work on his skills. There are books he can read, pills he can take, and toys he can buy. You need to help him learn to satisfy you.

+1. Are the rest of you guys all missing the part where she says she really loves him and he's wonderful and trying to get better at pleasing her? Come on, ladies, are wonderful men really growing on trees? Right. No. They are not. It's so easy to tell other people to dump/divorce/walk out on their S.O.'s, but here in the real world where love is not so easy to find, there are less scorched-earth ways to work on problems.

Yep, quite a bit of projecting by some bitter women here.

You would be bitter too if your sex life sucked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He needs to work on his skills. There are books he can read, pills he can take, and toys he can buy. You need to help him learn to satisfy you.

+1. Are the rest of you guys all missing the part where she says she really loves him and he's wonderful and trying to get better at pleasing her? Come on, ladies, are wonderful men really growing on trees? Right. No. They are not. It's so easy to tell other people to dump/divorce/walk out on their S.O.'s, but here in the real world where love is not so easy to find, there are less scorched-earth ways to work on problems.

DH here: please don't do this. I don't think many of the women here recognize this, but it is literally soul-killing to be the husband of a woman who loves you and thinks you are a wonderful man, but has no sexual interest. It is a terrible, terrible situation to put a man in.

[Anonymous]

If he's open to improving and is communicative -- see where it goes! And, really take your time on him as a demonstration of what you are looking for. Get books, games, watch porn, -- think of it as a project.

Also, I think how he reacts, how he improves and how you work together are great indicators of what will happen down the road when it gets a little stale, there's a libido mismatch, or sexual dysfunction. This is actually a terrific opportunity to see what your life could be like with this man.

[Anonymous]

There are drs that he can go see to help him last longer. There are also desensitizing condoms.

[Anonymous]

Dump him. 2 minutes in bed? That's a huge problem, that I dont think could even be changed. And if you tried to, he would probably get resentful.


Or tell him you can't have sex with him until he learns how to get you off first. See how that goes over.

[Anonymous]

Take the emphasis away from "the main event." He sounds like he has a good attitude, and is trying, and you are able to openly tell him what you like and need. Just keep your expectations reasonable regarding his physical abilities and limitations. Why can't the two of you use your various toys together? If he lasts two minutes, then let him use toys on you, if that's the kind of stimulation you like, as well as the oral and manual stuff.

If it boils down to you needing a man whose body can perform for x number of minutes for you to be happy, then you'll have to decide whether you can compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do yourself and him a favor and end it now. Life is way too long to trap yourself into bad sex.

Op again.

I think that breaking up (in my case) is drastic. He has made great efforts to improve

I'm not the first PP, but I kind of agree - it may seem drastic, but things generally do not improve. I would suggest that you only stay with him if the chemistry is good.

I stayed much too long in a relationship with a woman I really loved, but with whom I had horrible sexual chemistry. She was hot (at least to me), but we were all thumbs together - the kissing was bad, and the rest followed suit from there. What made it very frustrating was that I tried all the gentle hint and redirects, etc., without saying "I hate it when you slobber the side of my face" or something like that, and she got the hint. She responded with 'try hard' which was just taking bad and dialing it up to more intense bad. All that delaying the inevitable breakup accomplished was making it that much more painful and bad for both of us when it arrived.

Some people are 'teachable' and maybe your guy is like that, but somehow, if you're posting here, I think he's not improving all that much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He needs to work on his skills. There are books he can read, pills he can take, and toys he can buy. You need to help him learn to satisfy you.

+1. Are the rest of you guys all missing the part where she says she really loves him and he's wonderful and trying to get better at pleasing her? Come on, ladies, are wonderful men really growing on trees? Right. No. They are not. It's so easy to tell other people to dump/divorce/walk out on their S.O.'s, but here in the real world where love is not so easy to find, there are less scorched-earth ways to work on problems.

Yep, quite a bit of projecting by some bitter women here.

You would be bitter too if your sex life sucked.

My sex life does suck. But that doesn't mean OP should dump her BF immediately. If he tries and doesn't get any better, then certainly don't marry the guy. The sex won't get better. But the scorched-earth advice being given here is a bit premature.