I need out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You put on your big girl pants and think of the two kids you had with this man.

God knows I am!! I want them to grow up with a healthy model of a relationship. To show them what happiness looks like and it's not this!! To show them that they don't have to settle.

Don't dare preach to me about my children. They are at the forefront of this decision.

Okay. Talk to an attorney, gather your friends and family around you. You can do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't it funny that people who are divorced and in unhappy marriages encourage the OP to divorce, and those in happy marriages or marriages that has seen its share of ups and downs are encouraging her to give the marriage a chance.

Op needs validation from internet strangers? Good luck to her!

Yep. Misery loves company.

I'll say it once more. I have made my decision. I am not looking for validation. I am not asking anyone's opinion on whether I should stay or go. I am asking what steps I should take first in starting the divorce proceedings. If you would simply READ what I wrote, instead of salivating at the opportunity to bully someone, it sure would save a lot of everyone's time.

Good for you. I got divorced for different reasons, but I can tell you first steps.

Do research on attorneys.
Ask around and get referrals. Do not get referrals here!
When you identify 2 or 3, go and pay for consultations.
I don't know if you work; I assume you do. Make sure your job is secure and your benefits are good.
Gather every bit of information you can about your financial assets. Make copies of everything and keep it somewhere other than work.
Think about your husband and what kind of divorce you want. Do you think it will be amicable? If so, great. Tell the attorney. If not, consider withdrawing 50 percent of your assets before you tell your husband about the divorce.
Think about custody. Joint? How will it work? What would you like to do re: living arrangements, etc. Can you compromise on anything?
Do you want to stay in your house or move? Can you pull that off financially? You never want to be house rich and cash poor.
Tell trusted friends and family. You'll need their support.
Consider using a marital counselor to help you hand your husband to work out the divorce amicably.
Do NOT fall for the whole collaborative divorce thing. Get a normal attorney and compromise on anything you can.

I know I'm missing a million things. Ignore people here who think that a woman shouldn't get a divorce in the 21st century. They are either Christian right nuts or women trapped in miserable marriages or women who just like to think they're perfect and above the problems that the rest of the world face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you needed advice to realize that you need to get your financials in order and speak with an attorney prior to making any decisions speaks volumes. Please move slowly. And evaluate the situation after speaking with the attorney. Then ask yourself the following:

1. How will you feel being away from your kids 50% of the time (including holidays, their birthdays, etc.)?

2. How will you feel if your husband gets a GF who moves in with him and is around your kids? How will you feel when they go to Disney together?

3. How will you feel if he ends up in a nice home and you end up renting a dump...and the kids prefer his place?

Etc. Etc.

This is why many folks end up quietly having affairs and wait until the kids go to college to divorce. I'm happily married, but I could never imagine being away from my kids fifty percent of the time. And I held my friend as she cried recently while looking at FB posts of her kids at disney with her ex and his new hot GF (who everyone loves...the kids, his family, their mutual friends).

Think before you jump.

That is disgusting. I don't know anyone who behaves that way. Gross. That's a real shit way to raise your kids. You're a lying cheating mom who is just waiting for 15 years to get a divorce. Geez.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

We have 2 children

Addiction/Abuse/Adultery is the only reason I would support your decision, Op.

Otherwise, no.

Good thing I don't care whether you agree with me or not. That is not what this thread is about.

Thank you so so much for all the level headed and sane responses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't it funny that people who are divorced and in unhappy marriages encourage the OP to divorce, and those in happy marriages or marriages that has seen its share of ups and downs are encouraging her to give the marriage a chance.

Op needs validation from internet strangers? Good luck to her!

Yep. Misery loves company.

I'll say it once more. I have made my decision. I am not looking for validation. I am not asking anyone's opinion on whether I should stay or go. I am asking what steps I should take first in starting the divorce proceedings. If you would simply READ what I wrote, instead of salivating at the opportunity to bully someone, it sure would save a lot of everyone's time.

Good for you. I got divorced for different reasons, but I can tell you first steps.

Do research on attorneys.
Ask around and get referrals. Do not get referrals here!
When you identify 2 or 3, go and pay for consultations.
I don't know if you work; I assume you do. Make sure your job is secure and your benefits are good.
Gather every bit of information you can about your financial assets. Make copies of everything and keep it somewhere other than work.
Think about your husband and what kind of divorce you want. Do you think it will be amicable? If so, great. Tell the attorney. If not, consider withdrawing 50 percent of your assets before you tell your husband about the divorce.
Think about custody. Joint? How will it work? What would you like to do re: living arrangements, etc. Can you compromise on anything?
Do you want to stay in your house or move? Can you pull that off financially? You never want to be house rich and cash poor.
Tell trusted friends and family. You'll need their support.
Consider using a marital counselor to help you hand your husband to work out the divorce amicably.
Do NOT fall for the whole collaborative divorce thing. Get a normal attorney and compromise on anything you can.

I know I'm missing a million things. Ignore people here who think that a woman shouldn't get a divorce in the 21st century. They are either Christian right nuts or women trapped in miserable marriages or women who just like to think they're perfect and above the problems that the rest of the world face.

Some more:

Think about health insurance and how you might break up the cost of that.
Big medical expenses like braces or god forbid a chronic illness.
Life insurance policies for both of you.
College funds.
Camps, sports, extracurricular activities, private school tuition - whatever you think might come up in the next ten years.
Childcare costs.
Pools, club memberships, stuff like that.

It's been three years, and my children are doing great. My philosophy since the divorce (developed with a LOT of help) is that we can't always control what happens to us in life. Sometimes we marry the wrong people (my ex-husband developed some serious issues that would make even the rapid anti-divorce folks here sit up and take note), and sometimes people change. Marriages end. It's almost always a good thing - children should not grow up in a toxic or loveless or hostile or fake atmosphere. As long as children have one stable and loving parent (even better, two stable divorced parents), and financial stability, and no any other life changes like switching schools and neighborhoods, and there is no addiction or job loss or whatever, they will do fine.

Just don't put them in the middle; don't become a mess yourself (you don't sound like you will); don't rely on them or confide in them like they are adults. Remember, you are still their mom, and their needs always, always come first. Many people say don't date. I disagree, but then again, I'm not dating.

Rely on close friends and family to model good marriage relationships for your kids. And no, not the kind of loveless marriage that we see all too often in NW DC. If you have sons and you aren't convinced your husband will be a great role model, find others for them. Build your community of family and friends - add divorced mom friends. Have lots of playdates for your kids at your home or new home. Ask friends to reciprocate - you probably won't have to ask.

Most of all, before you believe any bitter, angry people here, read books like the NYT bestseller How Children Succeed. You'll see that divorce by itself isn't all that meaningful in the long term.
http://www.amazon.com/How-Children-Succeed-Curiosity-Character/dp/0544104404

Also, if your children are in a small or supportive school, confide in the teachers or the head of school or the guidance counselors. They will look out for your children and also keep you on top of anything that you might not see at home.

Good luck. You seem pretty on top of things. You'll do great. Ignore the "I would never get divorced" contingent here. I probably used to think like that - I'm ashamed of it. What a horrible, rotten place to be in your life, judging strangers when you have zero idea of what their lives are like. It's actually the least "Christian" thing ever.

[Anonymous]

I would say your first step would be to make an appointment w/a good divorce attorney. They can be pretty expensive so if you do not have the funds, you may have to start saving up for one.

Then when you have the funds, he can advise you on what to do + not do regarding what is in the best interest for you and your two children.

Good luck.