I need out

[Anonymous]

OP here, I've gotten the info that I needed and I choose not to play the "let's blame the OP" game, which seems to happen in this forum at times. I truly appreciate the good and heartfelt advice.

Have a good night.

[Anonymous]

The fact that you needed advice to realize that you need to get your financials in order and speak with an attorney prior to making any decisions speaks volumes. Please move slowly. And evaluate the situation after speaking with the attorney. Then ask yourself the following:

1. How will you feel being away from your kids 50% of the time (including holidays, their birthdays, etc.)?

2. How will you feel if your husband gets a GF who moves in with him and is around your kids? How will you feel when they go to Disney together?

3. How will you feel if he ends up in a nice home and you end up renting a dump...and the kids prefer his place?

Etc. Etc.

This is why many folks end up quietly having affairs and wait until the kids go to college to divorce. I'm happily married, but I could never imagine being away from my kids fifty percent of the time. And I held my friend as she cried recently while looking at FB posts of her kids at disney with her ex and his new hot GF (who everyone loves...the kids, his family, their mutual friends).

Think before you jump.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you needed advice to realize that you need to get your financials in order and speak with an attorney prior to making any decisions speaks volumes. Please move slowly. And evaluate the situation after speaking with the attorney. Then ask yourself the following:

1. How will you feel being away from your kids 50% of the time (including holidays, their birthdays, etc.)?

2. How will you feel if your husband gets a GF who moves in with him and is around your kids? How will you feel when they go to Disney together?

3. How will you feel if he ends up in a nice home and you end up renting a dump...and the kids prefer his place?

Etc. Etc.

This is why many folks end up quietly having affairs and wait until the kids go to college to divorce. I'm happily married, but I could never imagine being away from my kids fifty percent of the time. And I held my friend as she cried recently while looking at FB posts of her kids at disney with her ex and his new hot GF (who everyone loves...the kids, his family, their mutual friends).

Think before you jump.

It speaks volumes about your reading comprehension if that's what you thought my original post meant.

[Anonymous]

Nice deflecting, OP. Now read those questions and think about it.

You came here for advice, but you don't seem open to listening. I know more than a handful of couples who have divorced recently, and I've observed enough to realize that those questions are things folks should consider before calling it quits. The ones who were in abusive marriages are happy with their decisions, but those who bailed because they were lonely or unhappy regret leaving. They all wish they would have stayed, saved more money, had access to their kids, and held off on divorce until their kids were older. Ymmv.

The only others who were happy they divorced were the ones who had already quietly established a new relationship. Not a traditional affair; rather, a developing relationship.

[Anonymous]

Left means life, you took a vow for better or worse. Make it better, focus on him and his needs be the best wife you can be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Left means life, you took a vow for better or worse. Make it better, focus on him and his needs be the best wife you can be.

Yes. Make sure you buy an apron and a cocktail shaker, too.

Jesus.

[Anonymous]

I know what that pp means, and she's correct. It's worth a shot at least. If you put his needs first, make an effort to touch, kiss and have sex, then things might improve. Try it for 30 days. Sometimes people get in funks and need to force themselves to reconnect.

If it doesn't work, then maybe he's already checked out, is having an affair, or is gay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know what that pp means, and she's correct. It's worth a shot at least. If you put his needs first, make an effort to touch, kiss and have sex, then things might improve. Try it for 30 days. Sometimes people get in funks and need to force themselves to reconnect.

If it doesn't work, then maybe he's already checked out, is having an affair, or is gay.

Again, I have exhausted every single avenue with H. I am at the point where I am comfortable in my own skin, or as comfortable as one can be, that this is the best decision for everyone involved.

And to answer the question stated a few posts ago, I wish my H well. I want him to find love and be happy and show my children what a happy daddy looks like. I know he is a smart man and will choose a good woman if and when he decides to pursue another relationship. I plan on doing everything I can to work with her. I hold no ill will against a woman who will be there for my children. Sure, it might get complicated at times, but I'm sure not going to go into this with my defenses up bc there is no need to.

[Anonymous]

So you've already checked out then. Okay. And maybe you are looking forward to being a PT/50% mom. That's fine, too. Get your financial life in order, develop a game plan, etc.

But don't blindside him. Just because you *think* you'll be cool with everything doesn't mean he will (or you will).

Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you've already checked out then. Okay. And maybe you are looking forward to being a PT/50% mom. That's fine, too. Get your financial life in order, develop a game plan, etc.

But don't blindside him. Just because you *think* you'll be cool with everything doesn't mean he will (or you will).

Best of luck to you.

AGAIN, sigh, we've been to counseling and talked at great length about this.

See?? The "blame the OP game".

[Anonymous]

No one is blaming you for anything, OP. You are veeeerrrrryyyy defensive. Just trying to caution you that your husband might not be as upbeat and positive about the divorce as you are. Some otherwise fabulous people go batshit crazy in the midst of divorce. They fight over the dumbest things. And some folks resent the person who initiates the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you've already checked out then. Okay. And maybe you are looking forward to being a PT/50% mom. That's fine, too. Get your financial life in order, develop a game plan, etc.

But don't blindside him. Just because you *think* you'll be cool with everything doesn't mean he will (or you will).

Best of luck to you.

AGAIN, sigh, we've been to counseling and talked at great length about this.

See?? The "blame the OP game".

Yep, it's the typical DCUM schtick. Glad you are disregarding, OP.

If you are trying to get out of a bad situation for the kids, I would advise documenting everything. All the crazy or cruel stuff he does- stat documenting. If you can get it in text, thats better.

And very important: save money, create a stockpile. You will need it once divorce proceedings start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one is blaming you for anything, OP. You are veeeerrrrryyyy defensive. Just trying to caution you that your husband might not be as upbeat and positive about the divorce as you are. Some otherwise fabulous people go batshit crazy in the midst of divorce. They fight over the dumbest things. And some folks resent the person who initiates the process.

You are right. I am defensive after some of the previous posts. And you're right that I don't know how it will actually be in the middle of the divorce. I am hoping for the best solution for everyone.

[Anonymous]

I for one have your back OP. If its comfortable to you, then do it.

In the end you only have one life to live and you might as well make the most of it - by getting rid of dead weight and moving on to happier times. Divorce sure isn't easy, but worth it in my book.

And it sounds like you guys communicate so your unhappiness can't be a surprise to him.

Cheers to you OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one is blaming you for anything, OP. You are veeeerrrrryyyy defensive. Just trying to caution you that your husband might not be as upbeat and positive about the divorce as you are. Some otherwise fabulous people go batshit crazy in the midst of divorce. They fight over the dumbest things. And some folks resent the person who initiates the process.

You are right. I am defensive after some of the previous posts. And you're right that I don't know how it will actually be in the middle of the divorce. I am hoping for the best solution for everyone.

And what people are telling you is "hope for the best, but prepare for the worse." You sounds really naive, OP. Some who've BTDT are trying to help you cover your ass. That's the advice you asked for, so LISTEN!