MIL: Always trying to separate me and the baby?

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[Post New]04/02/2013 14:46
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote: Also, she literally bathes in perfume, and when she gives me my kids back, they smell like french whores.


this cracks me up and this is my MIL too! Except she bathes in air fresheners at her house AND Perfume! So, when my kids are at her house, when they come home they REEK and I have to bathe them and wash ALL THEIR CLOTHES!


Oh my god - yes - this is my SIL! How does she allow herself to smell like that and why must she rub it all over my kids?
[Post New]04/02/2013 14:59
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Anonymous
This whole thread is making me feel better about my chances to be a good MIL. I have all sons, and worry a lot about this stuff, but I wouldn't do a single thing on the list so hopefully my DILs can stand me!!
[Post New]04/02/2013 15:30
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Anonymous
My FIL does this! Not the nasty comments, but the trying to separate, feed, take over baby! It drives me crazy. He will literally take the spoon out of my hand to feed my son his yogurt. Or he will run off with DS in the stroller while I'm in the public bathroom (I'll come out and be like, where did they go? Wtf).

I tried to be understanding about it, but unfortunately as my son has aged (he's now 2), FIL has gotten totally out of line. He deliberately ignores my rules. He plans things for DS to do when we visit that I wouldn't approve of (riding on a giant tractor) and then he tries to sneak the activities in when I'm in the shower or something. FIL is also antiquated about certain things, for example he gets aggravated that I want a carseat installed correctly before putting DS in it.

As a result I can't trust that my rules will be respected, so DH and I won't leave DS with the inlaws at their house.

My issue now is that DS is at an age where he can understand FIL. I'm overhearing conversations between them where FIL is programming DS to ask me for things that aren't allowed.

OP, if I were you, I'd nip this behavior now before it gets worse.
[Post New]04/02/2013 16:30
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Anonymous
She sounds nuts but you both sound really sad. You see his parents twice a week? Don't you have any friends? Jobs? Hobbies?
[Post New]04/03/2013 02:38
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:OP Here - Had a brief talk with DH last night and told him I'm not going over there again until we set some clear ground rules. He's almost always out of earshot (off with FIL) when these comments are made, so I don't think he realized how bad it was getting and he's also had 35 years experience in tuning her out so he has trouble understanding why I can't. His strategy generally is to just ignore her. Hard for me to do when I'm alone with her and baby in the living room!

They are *sort of* of a different culture, in that they're Jewish from FL and my family is Episcopalian from NE (Don't even get me STARTED on the WASP jokes MIL likes to make at family dinners). But still all-American.

I love some of the confrontation scripts! I'm going to have to remember some of these lines!


OP when I read this, I had to check the date on the post b/c i thought I had written it! I can't tell you the number of times that I have been with my in-laws and DH and FIL disappear into the living room and are chatting it up while MIL hovers over me in the kitchen area and throws criticisms at me right and left. My Dh's strategy is also to ignore his mother and if I complain about her, he just ignores me! My Dh has been dealing with his mother for 35 years also and has learned to completely tune her out. She will say outrageous things to him as well but he completely ignores it.

I will never forget one time when I was about 8 months postpartum and making baby food in my kitchen. FIL and DH disappeared into the TV room and MIL plopped herself at the kitchen table (not offering to help me AT ALL!) and threw criticisms at me right and left about how I was not making baby food correctly and not doing it the way they do it in "her home country". DH was nowhere to be found and did not hear any of her comments.

I have to see my inlaws once a week as well. They are from another culture where this is expected. If I don't go, DH is still required to take the kids to see them. And when I am a no-show, my MIL throws out a barrage of questions as to where I am and what I am doing. If I am a "no show" for more than one weekend in a row, all hell breaks lose and I get accused of ignoring the family. DH is not good at standing up for me.

Also, since my MIL's goal is to separate me from my baby, I hate to give her that satisfaction by NOT showing up at the weekly family gathering. If I don't show up, she gets her weird dream of controlling my baby separating us.
[Post New]04/03/2013 07:45
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Crowealethea
Member Offline
Its may be becz she loves children and she wants to spend time with them. Also its good for you if she is taking good care then sometimes you can finish your other work. Just think positively.
[Post New]04/03/2013 07:48
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Anonymous
It does sound annoying, but to get some perspective, I have 2 kids (ages 3 and 5) and their grandparents have probably spent a total of 20 hours with them over the course of their lives. I completely agree with the strategies suggested by other posters - you don't have to sit there and let her cut you down. But it is also worth remembering that at least she is excited about and interested in her grandchild.
[Post New]04/03/2013 08:45
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Anonymous
Crowealethea wrote:Its may be becz she loves children and she wants to spend time with them. Also its good for you if she is taking good care then sometimes you can finish your other work. Just think positively.


WOW. Most useless post ever. You clearly do not understand what is going on here.
[Post New]04/03/2013 08:49
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:OP Here - Had a brief talk with DH last night and told him I'm not going over there again until we set some clear ground rules. He's almost always out of earshot (off with FIL) when these comments are made, so I don't think he realized how bad it was getting and he's also had 35 years experience in tuning her out so he has trouble understanding why I can't. His strategy generally is to just ignore her. Hard for me to do when I'm alone with her and baby in the living room!

They are *sort of* of a different culture, in that they're Jewish from FL and my family is Episcopalian from NE (Don't even get me STARTED on the WASP jokes MIL likes to make at family dinners). But still all-American.

I love some of the confrontation scripts! I'm going to have to remember some of these lines!


OP, I'm Jewish and my parents live in South Florida. What they are doing is not cultural. It's not culture that you have to go over there twice a week, NOR is it culture that your MIL is saying the things she is or ripping the baby from you. The only time my parents are alone with my kids: 1. When the kids ask one of them to come play with something in their bedroom 2. When my dad is going on an errand and asks, "Does anyone want to keep me company/navigate?" 3. When we ask them to babysit.

Your MIL doing this has nothing to do with Jewish culture. She's just being a bitch. Lay the smack down, OP.
[Post New]04/29/2013 12:19
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in the EXACT situation with a local MIL. First and only grandchild.

Most PPs aren't getting it. There is love, and then there are narcissistic women with boundary issues. Does she have other problems with boundaries, by any chance?

Even if not, what she's doing is not normal. It's OK to "spoil" a grandchild with an extra cookie or tix to Mary Poppins. It's NOT OK to overtly and unapologetically try to be divisive, insult a mother, and pretend a baby is yours when its not.

I am sad to say, OP, that this unhealthy mental thing will likely persist if your MIL does indeed have narcissistic boundary issues. Tried to plan a 1st birthday party yet? Look out! Or buy a 1st Halloween costume, or pick a preschool, or, well, you get the idea.

Here's a thread I started years ago. You know the ONLY think that's helped? The child growing older and less adorable, not always "sweet," and with a mind of its own:

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/48676.page#337111


This. Except it was my own mother doing/saying these exact things. A normal thing would be to gush like only a grandma can and they create one's own bond with grandchild, without have to divide the baby from the mother. Its cute that they are showing love for the baby, but sad that they have to do it by taking digs at the mother. How they are going about creating that bond is what makes it so telling. Your MIL definitely sounds like she is on the narcissist spectrum. It will continue and get worse if you do not kindly, firmly and politely set boundaries. My mom will go as far as to lock herself in the room with the grandkids and tell them how awesome she is as a grandma and how much she loves them. As the kids get older and less interested in her, it will wear off. I can only imagine what they sat when we are not around.
[Post New]04/30/2013 20:13
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Next time I'm holding my baby in front of MIL I would be like "oh you're so happy to be away from the smelly decrepit old lady, aren't you? Yes you are my sweetheart!"

Thank God my MIL is nice...


GOOD ONE, PP!!!! Do this OP. see if she laughs. Bet she doesn't.
[Post New]05/01/2013 16:13
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:She sounds nuts but you both sound really sad. You see his parents twice a week? Don't you have any friends? Jobs? Hobbies?


It's clearly not OP's wish to do so.
[Post New]05/05/2013 11:13
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Anonymous
I'd have a spa day bag packed...
[Post New]05/05/2013 22:54
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Anonymous
What on earth does she tell her other grandchildren? I would get pretty busy pretty quick and find a friend who happens to be around each time she wants to spend time with baby. If she doesn't understand the ergo, that is understandable given the generation gap, but maybe there are a few things that you could do so her visits don't get so draining. Letting this happen more than a few times would be totally exhausting to any new mom.

You could join a few other mama's who are attachment parenting and invite her along. What about lending her a book on the topic? If you don't think she would be supportive, a printed out article might be a better choice.

I find that it's pretty difficult to help my MIL to understand 75% percent of our parenting choices. She is a wonderful woman with lots to do though, so I don't have that level of involvement from her.

Could you invite another friend over while she is going to be there? I think seeing other little ones running around would satisfy some of her urges and that way she would need to engage with another adult.

Put something on the agenda that might be out of the house so that she can meet you there? That way she can hold baby all she wants, and you could get a little bit more of a break without all the negativity.

Lot's of MIL's with these kinds of issues don't get to behave like that around folks they don't know.

Potentially you could remind her that baby does need to sleep, and being in the ergo is what helps that to happen on schedule. Occasionally you could ask her for some type of help with something, even if it's just preparing a bottle, etc. That way if you feel frustrated by her visits, at least it isn't as taxing on you. If she really is there to help out, you'll find out quickly.

Maybe you need a different kind of support, instead of a visit (even by grandma), that is so divisive. I would have a really hard time with what you described, mainly because while she is just playing games and feels she isn't doing anything harmful, it is quite manipulative and would be a lot to deal with if she was spending time with your toddler at say, age 3 or 4 and talking about you like that. Especially in front of others. That would be really unhealthy.

Don't let you MIL get between you and your baby, or you and your hubby.

Best to you OP, things do get easier as they get older. Enjoy your time with your little one and take really good care of your self.
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