reality check - do your DCs grandparents seek to create 'just us' time at expense of family time?

[Anonymous]

Ever since DC#1 was born, one set of grandparents has continually sought to be alone with the kid, and find ways for me and DH to be gone. When DC was a newborn/baby/ toddler, this translated into constant -- and I do mean constant -- recommendations that DH and I go out on dates or take vacations without the kid. I was told to go do errands when I didn't actually have any. Now that DC is older, this means continuous requests for sleepovers, taking out only DC to dinner, suggestions for DC-and-grandparent-only vacations, and on and on and on. If I say we went to the Cherry blossom parade, they'll say Oh we wanted to take DC to that parade! Oh well, next year then.

When they are rebuffed, even explicitly, they just keep asking and asking and proposing ever-more elaborate 'alone' plans. Europe, a beach week, NYC ...

now, before you hit "send" and say oh it's nice that grandparents want to form a bond with grandkids, what I'm experiencing goes waaay beyond that. We have a much more ... typical? relationship with the other grandparents, one that resembles the grandparent-child relationships I see in my friends' families.

Anyway, what the hell is going on here?

[Anonymous]

This does seem a bit unusual -- can you talk to them? You don't say how old your kid(s) are but just start out with a positive thought (how much you appreciate their help, thoughtfulness) and then state that at this stage you're more comfortable doing things with DCs and they are not ready to be away from you. Maybe probe as to what this represents to them -- must be some symbolic meaning here? -- and try to get on the same wavelength. Perhaps set a goal age for a daytrip away from you?

[Anonymous]

That is odd.

I have a grandparent who contantly steps in and buys/brings things that parents should be doing...Halloween costumes, groceries, etc. It's to the point where I feel like I need to check and make sure an Easter outfit/soccer cleats/new underwear hasn't already been purchased.

In my case it's out of love.

In yours, I'm not sure. Sounds like they are really wishing they had a kid of their own. Are they younger? Did they have a lot of children?

[Anonymous]

My mom despearatly wanted me to "go away" when my son was little. I know what you mean, it's a bit creepy - as in why is she so desperate to get rid of me. But in our case, it's that my son is very mommy-dependent, so if I don't physically leave, he doesn't bond well with others. Plus, there certainly is the "we don't have to follow your rules if you aren't around" mentality.

My parents don't live that close though, so now that my son is a toddler, I enjoy the freedom. But I can totally see where it is weird. I mean, it becomes somewhat insulting doesn't it. So clear they don't want to be with YOU.

But it is strange - I was never left alone with Grandma.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. 14:25, they do that too, step in and buy and/or plan things that parents usually do. so, hide Easter eggs at their house, Santa presents under their tree for some reason, separate birthday party with a separate cake.

The other thing I forgot to mention, which is perhaps most troubling to me, is that they plot with DC (6.5 yrs) to do stuff together and if we say no, then DH and I are the bad guys. Then they keep bringing it up! -- well maybe SOMEday Mommy will let you come to Portugal with us. I wish we could go to France together but I guess it's not time yet, sigh.

[Anonymous]

14:25 again. They sound very undermining. I think you may have to confront them directly.

[Anonymous]

What's going on is that this set of grandparents doesn't understand boundaries - that this is your turn to be the parent and that as part of that role you get to be the one who takes your child to see the parade, buy your kids gifts from Santa, etc.

But it sounds like you and your DH need to work more on setting and enforcing the boundaries. Such as, if the suggest (or do) buying presents from Santa, you need to explain that that is your role and that they can buy presents from themselves. If they do something you've asked them not to do, you need to set consequences - the gifts get given away, you don't bring the kids over during Christmas, etc.

[Anonymous]

15:53 is exactly right. You need to set the boundaries and enforce them. If Santa leaves presents under their tree, say, "Oh, Grandma is being silly. See, she wrote from Santa. Everyone knows Santa only leaves presents at your own home."

My ILs tried to take over Christmas. DH finally put his foot down this year and uninvited them (they live on West Coast). I hope it helps improve future holidays!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15:53 is exactly right. You need to set the boundaries and enforce them. If Santa leaves presents under their tree, say, "Oh, Grandma is being silly. See, she wrote from Santa. Everyone knows Santa only leaves presents at your own home."

My ILs tried to take over Christmas. DH finally put his foot down this year and uninvited them (they live on West Coast). I hope it helps improve future holidays!

What could possibly be wrong with grandparents putting presents from Santa under their tree? How is that bad?

[Anonymous]

It's all about boundaries. And the grandparents in this situation are competing with the parents - directly - in all of the examples the OP gives. They are not doing that to fill the needs of the grandchildren, but to fill their own emotional needs. It is very selfish on the grandparents' part to do that. It's not just the taking over Santa thing - it is all of it. The older the kids get, the worse it gets, too.

BTDT. We SO wish we had put our (collective) foot down sooner.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP, it's creepy. Why the fervent desire to be ALONE with your child? Can't they talk, relate, bond in your presence? If they say they can't, that hogwash.

Maybe I'm the suspicious type but when it comes to my child....you bet I will be. I would just bluntly say, "What, we aren't invited too? Why not?" Wait for their answer. Then just as often and as fervent their desire to be alone with your child, keep excitedly telling him how much fun you think it would be to do thing ALL together with grandchild and grandparents and you and hubby too...just one big family all together.

If they say they want to take DC to parade next year, say, "We'd love to do that with DC and you guys."

If they bluntly say they want to take him alone, then bluntly ask, "Oh...why? YOu can still talk and bond with him with us around. Besides it's more fun with everybody together."

My parents used to ask me all the time to leave DS alone with them. They said we hover around DS alot. I asked them why they needed us to be absent. Apparently they felt uncomfortable relating more closely with DS when my husband was around. They felt a boundary existed when hubby was around they couldn't cross. I told them they shouldn't feel that way, reassured them that hubby would love for them to bond more with DS but still..yet I would not leave DS alone with my parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. 14:25, they do that too, step in and buy and/or plan things that parents usually do. so, hide Easter eggs at their house, Santa presents under their tree for some reason, separate birthday party with a separate cake.

The other thing I forgot to mention, which is perhaps most troubling to me, is that they plot with DC (6.5 yrs) to do stuff together and if we say no, then DH and I are the bad guys. Then they keep bringing it up! -- well maybe SOMEday Mommy will let you come to Portugal with us. I wish we could go to France together but I guess it's not time yet, sigh.

Oh -- You definetly have boundry issues. My mom and MIL had some boundry issues in the beginning and I quickly nipped it in the bud. But yes, I was the bad guy and probably always will be. My personal rule is I will do everything possible to give both sets of grandparents lots of time with the grandchild, AS LONG AS they abide by our rules (I'm not talking to give or not give cookies, more like questioning my parenting decisions in front of my child). If they want to be the type of grandparents that act crazy, break ALL the rules, and not listen to me, they can see their grandchild a couple of times a year. Otherwise, I think it is too hard on the kid. Can you imagine how confusing it is to be told by your grandparents about a trip that mommy and daddy don't approve of? What a horrible position that puts you in. These are not supportive grandparents, these are grandparents that are attempting to one-up you (I should know, my mom still flirts with crossing the line). So I suggest having a talk and trying to establish some boundries. Make things family events (versus you have to leave). Reclaim whatever family events you want on your own. You do have that right.

As far as presents under the tree and easter eggs, are they willing to admit that THEY did it and it is NOT the Easter Bunny and Santa Clause? I think that's less confusing. Although I know it can be strange when Grandma buys more than Santa (I'm thinking of telling my kid that Grandma is really married to Santa).

The trip thing would really bother me.

[Anonymous]

My mom physically pushed me out of the way once so she could minister to my son's needs instead of me. I know what you mean - you aren't complaining but looking for answers.

Perhaps you should find out where your boundaries are - use the other grandparent relationship as a guide. Thats something to explore with your spouse. Then make some rules and have some hard talks. I do leave my mom alone with my kid - less than she would like though. Also ask yourself if they were "normal" before. I bet not - it just didn't matter so much. When I realized that about mom, it got easier to deal with her disappointment, scorn and other mishigas.

[Anonymous]

I don't know. I have a very different point of view. I spent LOTS of time with my grandparents as a child. My sister and I spent a month in summer. My cousins spent a month. And then all the families spent 2 weeks in the same town for vacation in the summer. My cousins had a week off for winter break in Feb. and they would go alone or with one of their parents to our grandparents. Those times are some of my fondest memories.

When I was a baby and my parents were travelling up and down the east coast to figure out where my dad would do his post med school internship and residency, I stayed with my grandparents for weeks.

My grandmother ALWAYS thought she knew better than my mom, but I knew who my mom was and my loyalty was always with her.

When we had our child, my mom offered repeatedly to look after her for a date night. I just told her thank you, but I just wasn't ready. She understood. She always offers for my daughter to spend the night at their place. Again, not ready. No problem. Same with my MIL. My MIL would do high kicks if I pulled up in the driveway and dropped off her grandchild. She knows it won't happen because we have simply said we aren't comfortable with it. She comes over and spends the afternoon playing with our daughter while I do errands or laundry and my husband watches sports in the basement at full volume. Or my husband takes her over to MIL's while he works on a project for her.

I am hopeful that my parents will want to travel with her or all of us as she gets older. They both adore her and would treat her like a queen. I want her to have experiences like that. My mom recently told her something like when you are older we will go to XXXX together. I will miss her tremendously but she needs, at some point, to learn to experience the world without mom and dad hovering over her. I am incapable of not hovering so a little "independence" with the grandparents would be just what the doctor ordered for me. I would not be comfortable with my MIL travelling with her as MIL is not an experienced traveller like my parents and is also much older. However, she brings gifts of clothing, toys, etc whenever she comes over. She is a much more thoughtful gift purchaser than my own mom. She finds toys that I have never even heard of that my daughter plays with for hours. Both grandparents have Santa gifts for her. Both bring Easter baskets. Both give birthday gifts. And if we wind up doing birthdays separate we do candles and cake at every stop.

I guess I don't have the same boudaries.

[Anonymous]

My ILs started asking to take my dd to Europe with them when she was 4. Not us - just dd. They have asked now on three separate occasions whether she could go with them - France, Spain and Ireland.

For Christmas this year, my DH gave his parents the gift of a long weekend with us at a resort. As soon as ILs learned that the trip didn't include the kids, they lost all interest and decided not to come with us. Instead, they took my DH's sister and her boyfriend on a trip to Europe. It was a big family genealogy trip, and they didn't even ask DH if he had any interest in going - and he would have paid his own way.

My ILs are incredibly controlling in all of this. But it is increasingly clear that they only care about us because we have produced grandchildren for them. If it were not for my kids, they would never visit. Never.

And that makes my heart hurt for my beloved husband. I agree with my therapist - with whom I have discussed this at length - that my ILs need better boundaries. They are very controlling and needy people - thus the pushing through every boundary they can. They take over holidays. They take over our home. That is not caring and loving behavior - it is shockingly disrespectful. And it does undermine us as parents.

BTW - if they had even semi-decent boundaries, we would consider letting the kids travel with them at some future date. We are not hovering parents at all.