MIL: Always trying to separate me and the baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL was like this, and it really bothered me. What made me realize she was pretending my DD was her child was her request for "the little thing that allows grandmother's to breastfeed." That was our momment of "WTF?" Of course we explained to her that those devises are not for grandmas, but for mothers who could not nurse without supplementation. We also realized we could never leave DD with her alone.

Ding! Ding! Ding! Okay, you win! When Jeff & Maria create a "Crazy MIL" forum, there should be a picture of your MIL posted with the title. Wow.

[Anonymous]

My FIL always wants to take infant DS away alone. It's weird to me. I usually lurk around to see what they're doing, which is just walking about the house or the yard humming/singing/chatting. It's odd to me in a way I can't explain, plus he seems oblivious to the fact that the other relatives also want their precious baby fix too; so it seems rude. Anyway, I am relieved to see he's not the only grandparent who does that...but I still don't get it.

That said, my in-laws have yet to say anything so rude as OP's; so OP, yipes sorry you have to deal with that.

[Anonymous]

Wow. In some ways, OP, I'm envious. Because that's the kind of behavior I would call on the carpet immediately. It's so unsubtle.

My MIL, on the other hand, just tries to buy my son's love with toys. She buys him 5-10 toys every day. DH made them stop when I put my foot down, but she still sneaks. She doesn't shit talk me in front of me, but she does tell DS grammy has "different rules." When it gets out of hand, I say ENOUGH, and put my foot down, but it generally percolates back up to a breaking point again within a given amount of time. And it's crazy. We are SO willing to bend over backwards for the grandparent relationship. I'm willing to bend bedtime rules for visits, etc. But when we say "DS has had a rough day, he was woken up by a noise at 5 this morning, didn't nap well, so we won't be pushing bedtime tonight" and they roll out a new toy or two at 7:55? So guess who has to enforce, against the angelic gramma? Big ole bad mom. So you see how it pits me against her, and I look like the bad guy.

Once we were out at a restaurant and DS wanted to sit by gramma, not mommy, and she said "I just love how he prefers me. Is that bad?" to an entire table full of people (DH was in the bathroom). I just said "enjoy your moment in the sun, gladys" with an eyeroll. and while DH supports me, of course he says "oh, she didn't mean it that way." But even that remark was obvious enough that I can put the foot down. Some of the remarks can be more harder to articulate when I try telling DH why I'm so pissed off. Also, she literally bathes in perfume, and when she gives me my kids back, they smell like french whores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Also, she literally bathes in perfume, and when she gives me my kids back, they smell like french whores.

this cracks me up and this is my MIL too! Except she bathes in air fresheners at her house AND Perfume! So, when my kids are at her house, when they come home they REEK and I have to bathe them and wash ALL THEIR CLOTHES!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Why do you and baby have to go over 2xs per week? Your husband can see his parents anytime he likes. Why do you have to go every time. My MIL lives locally and I am down to seeing her maybe 2 or 3 times per year. Christmas, her birthday, and my daughter's birthday. My husband sees her much more frequently.

OP I am in a similar situation with a similar MIL/FIL dynamic. MIL is always trying to separate me from my kids, esp with my first when he was a baby. I think she actually thought it WAS HER BABY in the beginning. She apparently had made arrangements with my DH (without telling me) BEFORE the baby was born that the baby would go to her house every weekend and stay there for the weekend. She seemed thrown off when she realized I was EBFing and pumping and could not be away from the baby very long. She kept saying things like "When are you going to let me take the baby for the weekend?" and this was when baby was like 4 weeks old!!

My DH doesn't really have much a of a relationship with his mother but adores his father, who is very nice. But DH has learned over the years to tune his mother out and doesn't understand why I can't do the same.

MIL also told DH that "grandmothers are more excited about babies than their own mothers." DH also defended his mother at one point saying "This is her dream". Nevermind that it was MY DREAM and MY CHILD. HA! At one point, MIL was driving me so insane right after my first child was born, that I said I did not need help (she had been coming over everyday for a week) and she called my DH and cried and said I was trying to separate her from her grandchild.

Anyway, OP, I am also "required" to see my in-laws once a week and I can't really get out of it. It's a precedent that has been set. The rest of the family also sees them once a week too. My inlaws are also of another culture where seeing them once a week is a given, in fact, they don't think it's enough!

All I can say is BOUNDARIES, BOUNDARIES, BOUNDARIES

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. In some ways, OP, I'm envious. Because that's the kind of behavior I would call on the carpet immediately. It's so unsubtle.

My MIL, on the other hand, just tries to buy my son's love with toys. She buys him 5-10 toys every day. DH made them stop when I put my foot down, but she still sneaks. She doesn't shit talk me in front of me, but she does tell DS grammy has "different rules." When it gets out of hand, I say ENOUGH, and put my foot down, but it generally percolates back up to a breaking point again within a given amount of time. And it's crazy. We are SO willing to bend over backwards for the grandparent relationship. I'm willing to bend bedtime rules for visits, etc. But when we say "DS has had a rough day, he was woken up by a noise at 5 this morning, didn't nap well, so we won't be pushing bedtime tonight" and they roll out a new toy or two at 7:55? So guess who has to enforce, against the angelic gramma? Big ole bad mom. So you see how it pits me against her, and I look like the bad guy.

Once we were out at a restaurant and DS wanted to sit by gramma, not mommy, and she said "I just love how he prefers me. Is that bad?" to an entire table full of people (DH was in the bathroom). I just said "enjoy your moment in the sun, gladys" with an eyeroll. and while DH supports me, of course he says "oh, she didn't mean it that way." But even that remark was obvious enough that I can put the foot down. Some of the remarks can be more harder to articulate when I try telling DH why I'm so pissed off. Also, she literally bathes in perfume, and when she gives me my kids back, they smell like french whores.

My MIL is the same way, with the toys and the perfume. MIL was raised by her grandmother because her mom died when she was young and her son moved back in with his mom. She is really fond of saying, "I just wish I could have the same kind of relationship with DC that my granny had with me!" Which I try very hard not to take to mean that she wishes I was dead...but sometimes it's hard to see another way around it.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to tell DH to go hang out with his dad on his own. You also, when dealing with DH's mom, be confrontational. "Gladys, it's enough. I understand you are excited to see Aidan, but if you rip the baby out of the Ergo, I will rip him right back and he and I will leave. Also Gladys, the comments about me to Aidan must stop immediately. I LOVE my baby. I love holding him, I love looking into his eyes, and I don't feel the need for a break from him as much as you seem to insinuate I do. Gladys you will ALWAYS be Aidan's grandma, but *I* will always be his mother, and we are NOT in a Lifetime movie here where you get to have me killed off so you'll somehow magically get to raise him. This stops now."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to tell DH to go hang out with his dad on his own. You also, when dealing with DH's mom, be confrontational. "Gladys, it's enough. I understand you are excited to see Aidan, but if you rip the baby out of the Ergo, I will rip him right back and he and I will leave. Also Gladys, the comments about me to Aidan must stop immediately. I LOVE my baby. I love holding him, I love looking into his eyes, and I don't feel the need for a break from him as much as you seem to insinuate I do. Gladys you will ALWAYS be Aidan's grandma, but *I* will always be his mother, and we are NOT in a Lifetime movie here where you get to have me killed off so you'll somehow magically get to raise him. This stops now."

Easier said then done. Problem is that most likely when OP is with MIL, there are other family members around and it's difficult to be THAT confrontational. OP, you need to be direct and firm, maybe use some unexpected humor or you can do what I do and just IGNORE. When MIL comes at you and tries to take away DS, just turn away from her and say "OH! excuse me, I forgot something upstairs!" and turn and immediately walk upstairs with DS in Ergo. MIL may try baby-snatching again later, but keep doing the same thing, so then say something like "Give him a minute please he is grumpy." Or say "Oh I have actually not held him that much today, DH has been, so I would like to hold him a little longer." AND WALK AWAY IF POSSIBLE AND CHANGE SUBJECT.

OP are your inlaws of another culture? Mine are and I have to see them every weekend. MIL ALWAYS COMES ON ALL FAMILY OUTINGS. I know in my situation, FIL would never be allowed to go out with DH without MIL coming along. WHen I was first married, I used to say "Let's just go out with your dad and my DH would laugh at how absurd it was that I thought we could see his FIL without seeing MIL too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to tell DH to go hang out with his dad on his own. You also, when dealing with DH's mom, be confrontational. "Gladys, it's enough. I understand you are excited to see Aidan, but if you rip the baby out of the Ergo, I will rip him right back and he and I will leave. Also Gladys, the comments about me to Aidan must stop immediately. I LOVE my baby. I love holding him, I love looking into his eyes, and I don't feel the need for a break from him as much as you seem to insinuate I do. Gladys you will ALWAYS be Aidan's grandma, but *I* will always be his mother, and we are NOT in a Lifetime movie here where you get to have me killed off so you'll somehow magically get to raise him. This stops now."

this cracks me up!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL was like this, and it really bothered me. What made me realize she was pretending my DD was her child was her request for "the little thing that allows grandmother's to breastfeed." That was our momment of "WTF?" Of course we explained to her that those devises are not for grandmas, but for mothers who could not nurse without supplementation. We also realized we could never leave DD with her alone.

No way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her directly to stop with the negative comments about you. I like the PP's suggestion about it being confusing and upsetting.
When she approached you to grab your child, hold your hand/arm up to stop her and say "wait a minute, please." If she still tries to grab then just turn your body away and repeat, "WAIT a minute, please."

Yes, this.

If she's a baby hog when your parents are there and they need their turn, you or DH step in an say, "Okay, Grandpa B's turn."

She's being passive aggressive, but definitely try to take advantage of the down time it gives you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Why do you and baby have to go over 2xs per week? Your husband can see his parents anytime he likes. Why do you have to go every time. My MIL lives locally and I am down to seeing her maybe 2 or 3 times per year. Christmas, her birthday, and my daughter's birthday. My husband sees her much more frequently.

OP I am in a similar situation with a similar MIL/FIL dynamic. MIL is always trying to separate me from my kids, esp with my first when he was a baby. I think she actually thought it WAS HER BABY in the beginning. She apparently had made arrangements with my DH (without telling me) BEFORE the baby was born that the baby would go to her house every weekend and stay there for the weekend. She seemed thrown off when she realized I was EBFing and pumping and could not be away from the baby very long. She kept saying things like "When are you going to let me take the baby for the weekend?" and this was when baby was like 4 weeks old!!

My DH doesn't really have much a of a relationship with his mother but adores his father, who is very nice. But DH has learned over the years to tune his mother out and doesn't understand why I can't do the same.

MIL also told DH that "grandmothers are more excited about babies than their own mothers." DH also defended his mother at one point saying "This is her dream". Nevermind that it was MY DREAM and MY CHILD. HA! At one point, MIL was driving me so insane right after my first child was born, that I said I did not need help (she had been coming over everyday for a week) and she called my DH and cried and said I was trying to separate her from her grandchild.

Anyway, OP, I am also "required" to see my in-laws once a week and I can't really get out of it. It's a precedent that has been set. The rest of the family also sees them once a week too. My inlaws are also of another culture where seeing them once a week is a given, in fact, they don't think it's enough!

All I can say is BOUNDARIES, BOUNDARIES, BOUNDARIES

We have the same MIL! Lets ditch the babies with dh for the next visit and go have a beer!

[Anonymous]

OP Here - Had a brief talk with DH last night and told him I'm not going over there again until we set some clear ground rules. He's almost always out of earshot (off with FIL) when these comments are made, so I don't think he realized how bad it was getting and he's also had 35 years experience in tuning her out so he has trouble understanding why I can't. His strategy generally is to just ignore her. Hard for me to do when I'm alone with her and baby in the living room!

They are *sort of* of a different culture, in that they're Jewish from FL and my family is Episcopalian from NE (Don't even get me STARTED on the WASP jokes MIL likes to make at family dinners). But still all-American.

I love some of the confrontation scripts! I'm going to have to remember some of these lines!

[Anonymous]

I can't believe how many overbearing and narcissistic MILs are out there. Makes me feel lucky that mine doesn't seem to be like that, and also that she's a plane ride away... Seeing the inlaws every week would be too much for me even if they were completely easy going.

OP, no advice, just sympathy. You've gotten some great suggestions, and if I were you, I'd be pretty direct with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to tell DH to go hang out with his dad on his own. You also, when dealing with DH's mom, be confrontational. "Gladys, it's enough. I understand you are excited to see Aidan, but if you rip the baby out of the Ergo, I will rip him right back and he and I will leave. Also Gladys, the comments about me to Aidan must stop immediately. I LOVE my baby. I love holding him, I love looking into his eyes, and I don't feel the need for a break from him as much as you seem to insinuate I do. Gladys you will ALWAYS be Aidan's grandma, but *I* will always be his mother, and we are NOT in a Lifetime movie here where you get to have me killed off so you'll somehow magically get to raise him. This stops now."

this cracks me up!!

Lol, same here.


OP, I would be super frustrated and upset too in your position. I alos echo pps that you don't have to see the inlaws every week. If your husband wants to see his parents, you can hang out with the baby. I go to my parents home every week for dinner and hald the time my dh doesn't come. My parents completely understand that sometimes he's busy or wants to do his own thing. All about having boundaries!