Anonymous wrote:

GenLeRoy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

GenLeRoy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, can you explain why you are living in nyc? Is there some benefit to that? It’s an incredibly expensive area.
Maybe you should move someplace cheaper.

I do recommend you stay away from red states that have not expanded Medicaid. You need good health insurance, so if you think of relocation spots, go to healthcare.gov, enter in the zip code, and see what sort of insurance the exchange has there.

NP. I had the same thought as this PP, but as a former NYC resident I sat with it and I think it’s a good location. NYC doesn’t require the investment of a car, transit is accessible and cheap, and healthcare is more readily available in most places I’ve lived save for Texas. Jobs are plentiful. But most importantly I think NYC has a really great system for housing lotteries for lower and middle income residents. OP, once you get a salaried job, you need to start getting yourself on every single list. Look in the NYT real estate section for stories about people who have landed affordable apartments after some time on the list. I knew more than a few people who went this route and regret not doing it when I was very stretched but not destitute in the City. This is not section 8 or public housing- it is for the apartments in already built or new buildings required to reserve a certain percentage of apartments for tenants of certain incomes.

https://housingconnect.nyc.gov/PublicWeb/search-lotteries

In the meantime you need to find a shared house or apartment in an outer borough to save money and avoid a huge deposit. By any chance did you go to a small college with supportive alumni, and do you have a college alma mater with an alumni email list? FB group? Anything? Post there. You don’t have to say you’re destitute, just that you’re restarting your life in NYC and looking for a temporary share while you decide what neighborhood is right for you. I literally saw a post like this on my alumni email list a while ago.

Next step is to apply for government and city agency jobs and executive assistant jobs. You don’t need to tell anyone the sad part of your life- you have had a hard time and maybe made a few bad decisions but you write in an engaging way that got more than a few of us to stick around with none of the usual “too long” complaints.

Please keep us updated. Many of us have come close to being in your situation or wonder if we might in the future.

Thanks for this! Yes, you highlighted a lot of why I have stayed (left and came back). This city sort of helps take care of you if you're struggling. I don't want to lose my residency. Yes, Housing Connect- I am aware. My struggle is, since I haven't had stable work, my salary constantly fluctuates and when your name comes up, it must match what you entered. It's like this vortex or gridlock I am stuck in. I posted something on Stephanie's Listing's Project and asked if someone would take me and my pets in as a roommate. I am working on a voucher program, but they only give Section 8 here now if the DA is working w/you on a DV case and this "white collar DV" isn't chargable. But I am trying and will keep doing so. Thanks for your helpful tips. I am so emotionally bankrupt is a big part of the problem. I can see what I need to do, I just feel like I have lost hope. I never thought this could happen to me and I am devasted. I gave so much and it just doesn't make sense. The thing about narcissists is that they wear masks and you don't know who they are til it's too late (I still don't know who he is...Who hides money from their son?!). Thank you for the tips! I will follow-up!

I use to work in subsidized housing so I can give you some tips.

You're right that it's extremely difficult to get a voucher in NYC without domestic violence preference. I hear you on your ex DH's emotional abuse, but in the end you're not likely to get this preference anyway because you're not actively fleeing abuse. You're already divorced/separated. This preference is for women who are living with abuser or are doubled up with family/in a shelter because they left an abusive husband.

I don't think you're right that your income must match exactly what you entered. I was in NY, but not NYC, and that does not make sense. What is true is that you have to report an income on your application that is below an income threshhold. And then, when your number is called - it could take years - you have to be below the threshold. The threshhold may increase due to inflation. But there is no way that your income has to be exactly the same as what you originally reported. Even someone on a fixed income like Social Security gets an annual increase. People in poverty have fluctuating incomes. There is no way they expect your income to be exactly the same - only that it continues to be below their income limits. Furthermore, now that your son is in college, you need to find out whether you're considered a one family or two family household. If you're a one member household, the threshhold will be lower. And also, some of these lists give preferences to families with children under 18, or disabled people. Now that your son is 18, you won't qualify as a family. You should find out if you are considered disabled. For Section 8 vouchers, the process is not onerous, it's a form your doctor signs that looks like this: https://www.hud.gov/sites/documents/90103.PDF It's not as difficult as applying for Social Security disability. This form also helps you get consideration like extra time on deadlines, but it won't waive the income requirement.

The other tip is to apply outside NYC. Upstate NY and Long Island have tons of small housing authorities with Section 8 vouchers. https://www.hud.gov/states/new_york/renting/hawebsites There are County-wide programs and also smaller village and township programs. CDCLI.org manages Nassau and Suffolk counties. Some of those waiting lists move significantly faster than the NYC one. You could get called up within a year. They will require you to live in their jurisdiction for one year. After a year, you can move anywhere in the US (it's called portability). If you can get the disability verification, then you could try to request a reasonable accommodation to use your voucher in NYC and waive the one year requirement. You would have to have sufficient reasons related to the disability (eg, a rare condition and network of doctors local to you that you can't leave). I wouldn't count on this, and you should assume you'll have to move, but it's only for a year. Once you have Section 8 it's forever and it's not easy to lose it.

Furthermore, there are many "project based" Section 8 vouchers in the state, including some decent ones on Long Island, and you can get on their lists. Again, you'll be required to live in that apartment for one year before you can request to convert to a "tenant-based" voucher that allows you to move wherever you want.

I can also recommend this blog for a lot of the tips and tricks how to advocate for yourself, write convincing letters, and demand appeals: https://howtogeton.wordpress.com/

WOW! This is *incredibly* helpful! Oh, that makes sense about the lottery. My name actually came up a couple of times, but bc my jobs were all temps and I haven't had a stable one, it didn't work. But that makes sense what you're saying. I just need to find out if my son is still considered a dependent. I wonder if I get to claim him on my taxes this year and if so, does that mean I can claim we have a 2-person household? I have a great advocate at the FJC and she may know, but this is really good info.

So, if I leave the community and go say to Newburgh and got Section 8, that eventually that voucher would work in NYC, too? WOW! But I must live in Newburgh for a year before receiving? It's all so tricky, bc of the obvious- you need money for a place. I am actively looking for roommates, but perhaps I will expand up the Hudson. This is really good info and I really appreciate it. Homebase is working on a voucher for me, but I don't totally understand if it's not that helpful or what, but they're saying it's not like Section 8.

That blog...I will check it out. MAN, was I powerful in my 20s and 30s. I swear, years of feeling like this and it does something to your confidence. I know I have a lot to offer, even with our time in foreign service, bc we learned so much about the world and people and had so much to juggle! And of course, mothering. But generally, the working world doesn't think those mean a whole lot.

This is all good stuff and I appreciate you taking the time and I can tell you know a lot about the system here, so you get why it's sort of beneficial to be here. The women at HRA and who check you out with your SNAP card are about the most empathic women I have dealt with in ages...they know. I love that brief moment when women/mothers connect on something and we just understand what the other has been through. It's really powerful.

THANK YOU AGAIN! I will check all this out!

All the best,
G

Sincerely glad the information was helpful.

So about your son, being a dependent on taxes isn't really relevant. It's more about who literally will be living in the household. Different programs have slighly different rules. Some will allow for a bedroom for someone in the military. Some will allow for a bedroom for a college student who returns on breaks. Some won't because they don't want to pay for an empty second bedroom 9 months of the year. In those cases they'll only pay for a one-bedroom for you and I guess son would have to sleep on the couch or whatever if he visits. And if you only qualify for a one-bedroom/one-person, the income threshold is different than for a two-bedroom/two-person household. So yes, it all gets very tricky.

About Newburgh - yes, you've got it. You can get on their list, use a voucher there for one year, then "port" the voucher back to NYC, or wherever you want. BUT if you're disabled, and you have a disability-related reason (like specialized doctors), you *might* (emphasis might) qualfy for a reasonable accommodation to waive that requirement, and immediately transfer Newburgh's voucher to NYC and stay in NYC. That's not particularly easy to do and frankly a lot of the workers at the small PHAs don't understand it and will tell you it's impossible. But I have seen it/done it for people. Some info here: https://howtogeton.wordpress.com/policies-on-reasonable-accommodations-for-porting-and-moving-housing-vouchers/

Initial PHA = Housing Authority which gave you the voucher
Receiving PHA = Housing Authority you want to transfer voucher to.

So, in the example where you live in NYC and you get a voucher from Newburgh, then Newburgh is the initial PHA, and NYCHA is the Receiving PHA even though NYC is where you live now.

A good bet is to contact the HUD Local Field Office if you're ever in a dispute. In my experience, they are quite lenient when you are disabled and try to help you get what you want.

Anonymous wrote:

GenLeRoy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, can you explain why you are living in nyc? Is there some benefit to that? It’s an incredibly expensive area.
Maybe you should move someplace cheaper.

I do recommend you stay away from red states that have not expanded Medicaid. You need good health insurance, so if you think of relocation spots, go to healthcare.gov, enter in the zip code, and see what sort of insurance the exchange has there.

NP. I had the same thought as this PP, but as a former NYC resident I sat with it and I think it’s a good location. NYC doesn’t require the investment of a car, transit is accessible and cheap, and healthcare is more readily available in most places I’ve lived save for Texas. Jobs are plentiful. But most importantly I think NYC has a really great system for housing lotteries for lower and middle income residents. OP, once you get a salaried job, you need to start getting yourself on every single list. Look in the NYT real estate section for stories about people who have landed affordable apartments after some time on the list. I knew more than a few people who went this route and regret not doing it when I was very stretched but not destitute in the City. This is not section 8 or public housing- it is for the apartments in already built or new buildings required to reserve a certain percentage of apartments for tenants of certain incomes.

https://housingconnect.nyc.gov/PublicWeb/search-lotteries

In the meantime you need to find a shared house or apartment in an outer borough to save money and avoid a huge deposit. By any chance did you go to a small college with supportive alumni, and do you have a college alma mater with an alumni email list? FB group? Anything? Post there. You don’t have to say you’re destitute, just that you’re restarting your life in NYC and looking for a temporary share while you decide what neighborhood is right for you. I literally saw a post like this on my alumni email list a while ago.

Next step is to apply for government and city agency jobs and executive assistant jobs. You don’t need to tell anyone the sad part of your life- you have had a hard time and maybe made a few bad decisions but you write in an engaging way that got more than a few of us to stick around with none of the usual “too long” complaints.

Please keep us updated. Many of us have come close to being in your situation or wonder if we might in the future.

Thanks for this! Yes, you highlighted a lot of why I have stayed (left and came back). This city sort of helps take care of you if you're struggling. I don't want to lose my residency. Yes, Housing Connect- I am aware. My struggle is, since I haven't had stable work, my salary constantly fluctuates and when your name comes up, it must match what you entered. It's like this vortex or gridlock I am stuck in. I posted something on Stephanie's Listing's Project and asked if someone would take me and my pets in as a roommate. I am working on a voucher program, but they only give Section 8 here now if the DA is working w/you on a DV case and this "white collar DV" isn't chargable. But I am trying and will keep doing so. Thanks for your helpful tips. I am so emotionally bankrupt is a big part of the problem. I can see what I need to do, I just feel like I have lost hope. I never thought this could happen to me and I am devasted. I gave so much and it just doesn't make sense. The thing about narcissists is that they wear masks and you don't know who they are til it's too late (I still don't know who he is...Who hides money from their son?!). Thank you for the tips! I will follow-up!

I use to work in subsidized housing so I can give you some tips.

You're right that it's extremely difficult to get a voucher in NYC without domestic violence preference. I hear you on your ex DH's emotional abuse, but in the end you're not likely to get this preference anyway because you're not actively fleeing abuse. You're already divorced/separated. This preference is for women who are living with abuser or are doubled up with family/in a shelter because they left an abusive husband.

I don't think you're right that your income must match exactly what you entered. I was in NY, but not NYC, and that does not make sense. What is true is that you have to report an income on your application that is below an income threshhold. And then, when your number is called - it could take years - you have to be below the threshold. The threshhold may increase due to inflation. But there is no way that your income has to be exactly the same as what you originally reported. Even someone on a fixed income like Social Security gets an annual increase. People in poverty have fluctuating incomes. There is no way they expect your income to be exactly the same - only that it continues to be below their income limits. Furthermore, now that your son is in college, you need to find out whether you're considered a one family or two family household. If you're a one member household, the threshhold will be lower. And also, some of these lists give preferences to families with children under 18, or disabled people. Now that your son is 18, you won't qualify as a family. You should find out if you are considered disabled. For Section 8 vouchers, the process is not onerous, it's a form your doctor signs that looks like this: https://www.hud.gov/sites/documents/90103.PDF It's not as difficult as applying for Social Security disability. This form also helps you get consideration like extra time on deadlines, but it won't waive the income requirement.

The other tip is to apply outside NYC. Upstate NY and Long Island have tons of small housing authorities with Section 8 vouchers. https://www.hud.gov/states/new_york/renting/hawebsites There are County-wide programs and also smaller village and township programs. CDCLI.org manages Nassau and Suffolk counties. Some of those waiting lists move significantly faster than the NYC one. You could get called up within a year. They will require you to live in their jurisdiction for one year. After a year, you can move anywhere in the US (it's called portability). If you can get the disability verification, then you could try to request a reasonable accommodation to use your voucher in NYC and waive the one year requirement. You would have to have sufficient reasons related to the disability (eg, a rare condition and network of doctors local to you that you can't leave). I wouldn't count on this, and you should assume you'll have to move, but it's only for a year. Once you have Section 8 it's forever and it's not easy to lose it.

Furthermore, there are many "project based" Section 8 vouchers in the state, including some decent ones on Long Island, and you can get on their lists. Again, you'll be required to live in that apartment for one year before you can request to convert to a "tenant-based" voucher that allows you to move wherever you want.

I can also recommend this blog for a lot of the tips and tricks how to advocate for yourself, write convincing letters, and demand appeals: https://howtogeton.wordpress.com/

Anonymous wrote:

GenLeRoy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:4th, if you stayed with him, you two could've had lot of fun with this lifestyle without young kid to care for.

Gosh, I am not sure if you're hearing how emotionally abusive this guy is/was? Would you have fun living with a stone-cold, covert narcisstic with cluster b tendancies who didn't make eye contact with you or talk to you or sleep in your room? Sounds like a BLAST when the kid leaves. I would rather poke my eyes out with a sharp stick than have stayed with him, especially w/o my son. He was the only good thing about that marraige.

Sorry. I didn't read all posts. I assumed if they stayed together for so long, it's salvageable.

Anonymous wrote:

OP is absolutely lucid, intelligent, articulate, and informed. You? Not so much. To you OP: You’re an incredible mother. You know this because it comes through in your writing. 90% of your goal was achieved because you got your son through it all and to the other side. He’s in a Paris University and thriving! You can and will cross the finish line. Your determination is clear. You’re strong. You deserve happiness and contentment. Your son needs you to get to the other side.

OMG, thank you SO much! That's really sweet and I needed that! Women really need other women to get through. It's little things like that that have made all the difference. Many times, when I was on the phone with the bank or schools or whatever, just the operators encouraging me- it meant so much. I don't think men have any idea how hard it is. But thank you so much for your words. I thiink I did it and now I am going to make it! All the best!