Anonymous wrote:

GenLeRoy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your child?

Do you have a support system in NY?

Yeah something doesn't add up here. OP has been together with spouse for 20 years. The child wasn't a child for all of that.

There's a lot I am leaving out, but can you be more specific with what doesn't seem to be adding up? In my eyes, it is THIS much of an abomination. We were in the foreign service for 3 years before son was born and I left when he was 13. He's 18 now. But I can't get anyone to really take this on and I can't figure it out. Please ask me questions about what makes this not add up and I will fill in gaps. It really is this bad.

Well to start with- you weren’t actually in the foreign service, correct? You really need to stop using this terminology. When I read your op mentioning “we joined the state department” I assumed you were a tandem couple and then got really confused by the subsequent story.

Also if you left your husband when your son was 13 why on earth did your son go to 14 different schools, especially since you mentioned that at least a couple of those years your husband was on unaccompanied tours?

Oh, were you here to help (since that's what I asked for) or to vet for the truth and judge?

I say "we" bc we made the choice together to join...it's not as if I married him and he was in. That was "our baby" we did together. I had a dip passport too and I had a job to do to and was on official gov't orders. The family joins State, not just the employee. I gave up my entire life- as all spouses do- for our husbands and our country/the mission.

9- of the schools while when we were in, bc clearly, we moved a lot. He was most stable with me, bc one of his school changes was from middle to high school, which had to happen anyway. And the other change was temporary and he went back to his original highschool, so technically, he only had 3-schools with me (including the return) and then college. 14 applications. Talk to State about it instead of judging mothers.

Anonymous wrote:OP I couldn’t make much out of your post but I understand you are in distress because you have no money or a job or a place to live.
Please don’t leave NYC.
Get all the services you can.
You are already getting SNAP; why is it below the max amount? What is your other income?
Your son must file for SNAP as a college student too; or you should file for him and use his EBT card if he doesn’t need it.
You need to have a plan to get into subsidized housing. What’s your living situation now?
You need to get a cash job to not lose your benefits.
This is the very general plan you should have in place. Good luck!

Thank you. I have the max of SNAP for both of us and I get $145 from HRA and that's it...no other income. I am going to apply for SSI while they're figuring out my brain, but hoping I can just work as an artist's assistant or in a printing press or some retail place til I can get on my feet again as a nurse. The vicicous cycle w/subsidized housing is that I need an income to get into one, but my brain is scrambled. I am presently squatting in the place since June and I have to vacate by Sept. 15th. Some agency has me meeting with legal aid to see about extending for a time til disability goes through, but worried disability means it is all over and work is the only thing that really kept me grounded. I have got to work again. I am in a program that has a day-treatment program that helps with life skills and getting back out into the world, so that should help. Thanks for your help and for understanding!

Anonymous wrote:

GenLeRoy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your child?

Do you have a support system in NY?

Yeah something doesn't add up here. OP has been together with spouse for 20 years. The child wasn't a child for all of that.

There's a lot I am leaving out, but can you be more specific with what doesn't seem to be adding up? In my eyes, it is THIS much of an abomination. We were in the foreign service for 3 years before son was born and I left when he was 13. He's 18 now. But I can't get anyone to really take this on and I can't figure it out. Please ask me questions about what makes this not add up and I will fill in gaps. It really is this bad.

So you were wtih DH and he was supporting you normally up until your son was 13. A 13 year old needs a lot less "care" than a 2 year old. You seem to blame your DH for everything and make not attempt to control your own destiny. The time you leave is the time to get a job and start figuring out your life.

Now your son is off in college. You have all the time to focus on yourself. How many jobs did you apply for yesterday and today?

Things don't happen in a vaccum, especially when there is PTSD involved and it's not that easy. I have HAD multiple jobs and apply constantly, but being ready for them is the issue. I am in an educational program and am applying for an apprenticeship for more creative jobs, as opposed to nursing. I have no aversion to working and know it will make me better. It's being scared to leave the house bc of paralyzing fear and making mistakes and generally, feeling scared most of the time and my mind being disorganized like a tornado that holds me back.

Regardng your comment about a 2-year old vs a 13-year old...you're wrong. Especially when your husband is on a yearlong tour or he's not in his son's life. When I say I was single parenting- I mean 100% in every single sense of the word, with no aunties, sisters, etc. I think I know exactly what my son needs. Funny that one of the [male] judges said the very same thing...So, clearly you're a man who doesn't understand mothering. If my son needed my attention, he needed my attention. BTW, I have worked 2 of the 5 years, but they're doing neurological testing bc something isn't right...the jobs aren't working out well for me. Do you hear me? My brain isn't right. I am NOT lazy!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, can you explain why you are living in nyc? Is there some benefit to that? It’s an incredibly expensive area.
Maybe you should move someplace cheaper.

I do recommend you stay away from red states that have not expanded Medicaid. You need good health insurance, so if you think of relocation spots, go to healthcare.gov, enter in the zip code, and see what sort of insurance the exchange has there.

She should stay in NYC as it has a great support system for the poor. She needs to be poor on paper to use it but I think she is. I think she just can’t think straight.

100% truth.

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP, for your situation but I'm not understanding what it is you want or are asking for.

I guess I don't know either. Someone suggested a women's group in DC with other women who might get our special circumstances...IDK if anyone knows of one up here, too, but I can do virtual. It's just so weird bc no one understands State but State folks and it's just hard to talk about. It also just all feels like an injustice and wondered if anyone has worked with the unions to try to take them on, bc this shouldn't be happening to women in 2023 (literally one of the first Google hits was an article from 1978 saying the same identical thing, so no change). About 1-year before I left, John Kerry shook my hand and said, "You have the hardest and most important job." Hmmm...

GenLeRoy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP. My husband is in DSS and your post resonated with me. This sort of lifestyle requires a huge sacrifice on our part, especially as far as our careers go. I hope you find some help soon.

Thank you so much! I hope y'all are going strong and have a strong emotional connection, bc that's the only thing that can keep so much external stress managable. Thanks for posting!

Definitely and that's been lacking, so thank you! I am pushing myself!

Anonymous wrote:

GenLeRoy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF

It sucks. Trailing spouses and "trad wives" don't work out too well if they end in divorce (and sometimes if they do NOT end in divorce!). If I make it, I want to fight to make change...The [patriarchial] family court system is absolutely evil. Nothing should happen outside of mediation.

She's 100% functioning adult that can get a job. He doesn't owe her alimony for life. It's not like he makes huge amounts of money working for state either.

If OP wants to continue to be a kept women she needs to find a man that is cool with that.

Anonymous wrote:

GenLeRoy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF

It sucks. Trailing spouses and "trad wives" don't work out too well if they end in divorce (and sometimes if they do NOT end in divorce!). If I make it, I want to fight to make change...The [patriarchial] family court system is absolutely evil. Nothing should happen outside of mediation.

She's 100% functioning adult that can get a job. He doesn't owe her alimony for life. It's not like he makes huge amounts of money working for state either.

If OP wants to continue to be a kept women she needs to find a man that is cool with that.

No one wants to be a "kept woman." I tried working at every single post. It's my mental/emotional health that precludes me working. I worked far harder than he ever did, both before we met and while we were married, he just got paid for it! I get 100 job offers a day. I am not going to work on a med/surg unit with 10 patients and risk killing someone bc my head isn't right from the PTSD. Yes, alimony for life or at least benefits for life help and then if I get on my feet, it could stop. This arrangment can and does often derail women's lives, especially if there was abuse. I held on as long as I could, especially since in my gut, I knew he'd try to take our kid. He DOES make large amounts of money w/State, bc of overseas living, so don't know what planet you're on...What in God's name gave you the impression I wanted to be a "kept woman?" I was the youngest person in my office at 30- all my peers were in their 50s and 60s and had graduate degrees and had run county offices...I ran 13 counties in Colorado. I think I understand WELL the value of WORK! I also got a second degree in nursing to WORK. If I am not working, it's bc I CAN'T! What I have learned in life is that most good people are doing their very best.

Anonymous wrote:

GenLeRoy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your child?

Do you have a support system in NY?

Thanks for this- he's 18 and by a miracle, I got him to the doorstep of college (it got dicey up to the end! His dad even reneged after agreeing to sign for his financial aid- THE NIGHT BEFORE IT WAS DUE! ), so he's good for now [god-willing!]. I have no social support system at all in NYC, but I am hooked into a few agencies that are trying to help. But I am alone. It sucks. I was so social my entire life. Wow, what an about face! Who knew merely leaving him would upend my entire life!

Your son is off in college, so now is a great time to start making friends and building up your network. Volunteer, go to events, get a job. You can do it.

THANK YOU! I am going to start going to art openings again and some women's walking groups through Central Park. Slowly, I hope I get there...just need these vouchers to work out, etc. Looking forward to focusing on myself.

Anonymous wrote:If you want practical help, I think you need to give more details of what you can do, education, part-time or temporary jobs you’ve had and why you live in NYC.

Yeah, we can be sorry for you but it’s best if we can help you.

I divorced an FSO too, I was in a bad situation and without ant family in the US, took a job that paid $40k, had FT child custody and only got CS for 1 year. I’m in a much better place now, it took a lot of hard work and sacrifice. You can do this but you need to stop feeling like a victim. I know it’s hard to be s trailing spouse but I also know it’s a very cushy life, you’ve enjoyed it, it’s over, time to roll your sleeves and support yourself like everyone else.

Good luck!!

I agree and I have *never* felt like a victim and I know it's this feeling of powerlessness that's got me stuck, but to be fair, I didn't ever bounce back bc I was on fumes when I left and then the hypoxia to the brain. I am not functioning right. I think now that my son is gone, I can focus on getting the help I need. I have tried working and have an RN, but I get 100 offers a day and know I am not well enough to take them. It's that bad. Once I can gain power over this narrative, as I have in everything else in my life, I know I will be better. Nothing has ever stumped me like this...I am trying to appeal the courts and file complaints against the judges, but that will need to wait til I can get help for the PTSD. That's what this is- PTSD and until I get help for it, nothing else will work. Thanks for your words and glad you're doing well.

Anonymous wrote:I know you have said CLO. I would suggest also reaching out to the FLO in Main State/DC. I think it's FLO@State.gov re the allowances specifically.

Sorry you have been through all of this adn I hope better days are ahread.

Thank you! Yes, I think they changed their name- maybe it's CFLO? IDK, but I have an appointment again to talk to them this week. There's a union that meets regularly with State's union to negotiate and they want me to write up my story. THANK YOU!

Anonymous wrote:Poor child!

I hope that you can get some counseling OP, because you seem too overwhelmed to
Think straight right now.

He's excelling and studying in Paris, with dozens of friends. We are getting him therapy to deal with the PTSD of surviving a narcissistic parent and the damage that can do to a child. Mothers always intuitively know what their kids need and will compensate as best they can for the parent who puts himself and his needs first.Thank you.

Anonymous wrote:Isn’t your son technically an adult now if he’s in university? Why do you need an advocate to fight for custody? Seems like maybe you are putting energy into the wrong things. Focus on the money.

I am not focusing on custody, but someone else brought it up...It just was a lot, that's all. I am only focused on the money and him paying what is due to my son. But I won't get a fair trial, bc I never have.

Anonymous wrote:Can you explain the timelines? How old is your son?

Why do you have a domestic violence advocate if there was no domestic violence? And how did they help you keep your child?
Shouldn’t his dad have him part of the year?

Have you thought about giving him custody? It sounds like he can provide a stable life for him while you are having to move all over the place for some reason.

I left when he was 13.

Domestic violence doesn't have to involve hitting. In fact, some of the most vicious and long-lasting emotional damage can be done without physical violence (not to underestimate serious DV, where women are even killed), but I had an attorney at herjustice.org AND my DV advocate both tell me he was the worst predator they'd ever seen. He used every card he could and he's slick and he finanically abused me, isolated me, used his power and money in court, threatened to destroy my life/relationships, used male privilege and money privilege in court- KNOWING I was broke and emotionally struggling- and even exploited those to make himself look better, he used our child as a bartering chip, threatened to have me arrested at an airport for "kidnapping" for taking our kid on a spring break (he carries guns on planes and enters in different doors- he has connections), he broke into my laptop and phone and tracked my wearabouts and deleted emails that made him look bad, and basically weilded his power and control over me, knowing I had none and no family or supports. That's not abuse? My DV advocate said most of her clients, it's simple, they get protective orders and restraining orders...she said that mine and another client of hers who is a senator are above the law and they've destablized our entire lives. That's pretty bad domestic "violence." It's not always physical...Even State Dept says that in their handbook. This is a reportable offense, which I have not [yet] reported. IDK why, but I didn't.

As far as custody, while he was assigned to the Balkans, it's really a struggle to "share" custody. If he had stayed back, I could have continued to be the only parent parenting him and they could have played, bc that's all they did when he was home, but my son needed to live in one home for the school year. Dad chose to NOT ask for a "compassionate reassignment" and went abroad anyway, after his son pleaded with him to stay back. Really sad...Dad was awarded 6-weeks per year in the summer. He chose to have him only 4-weeks and then, things declined and now my son won't talk to him.

Hell no, absolutely not a snowball's chance in HELL would I ever hand my son over to a man who #1, has never parented, #2, can't/isn't a good parent, #3, doesn't put his child's needs over his own & #4, doesn't understand the value of his son's mother...The last thing I want is my son to turn into a narcissist like his father. Narcissists don't put their children first. They care about one thing above all and it hurts children (and spouses, obviously) tremendously. On my worst day, I was 100% better of a parent than he on his best...

The "moving all over the place for some reason" was because the man didn't pay a livable amount for me to get on my feet, wouldn't help sign even a lease for us- I had no credit- wouldn't help plan (and BTW, the "stability" in the Balkans was from ME picking the location and ME talking to the headmaster at the school and arranging, not bc my ex is stable...That was 100% me). I never had enough money- not ONE month- to pay rent. So you're saying after 20-years of marriage and a BS divorce that leaned in his favor financially, that I am unstable for that? And my son and I should be penalized for a narcissist and a patriarchial court? I don't think so...

You clearly know nothing about what these men are capable of. I left bc of his antics and no way in hell is he going to profit from what he couldn't and wouldn't do in the marriage, not to mention his purposeful destabilization of me in the divorce.

A decent man would have given me time to get on my feet and stabilize, after all I did for his career.

Anonymous wrote:Women do get screwed in divorce, unfortunately divorce isn’t in a woman’s interest. You Aton it for the long haul in a relationship like you described
From what I can tell with out having studied law is that his future inheritance is not relevant. His work benefit of housing is not an asset either

You are strong, the life of a trailing spouse is often lonely
I am surprised that you moved as often as you did
Did I understand correctly, your son changed school 14 times!

Yes, my strength and ability to carry a lot is why I stayed so long, but I have no capacity to see what's happening to me and just do what needs to be done. Next thing I knew, I was in a BAD place w/o understanding why. Doctors started telling me...Well, we got both of my parents' inheritences and he has access to his (this is a part of the 17-factors in PA that feeds into alimony decisions). Also, his free housing actually was supposed to be calculated in, legally, but the judges wouldn't let me talk and appealing, while it was in PA (w/no car) and while raising my kid who wasn't well and trying to get us settled and being depressed myself and basically knowing there was no point to appealing bc the judges LITERALLY snickered and laughed in my face about the couple things I did say...It just never worked out.

I must be strong bc I am still here and I owe it to my parents and my son to fight. OMG, we moved SO many times, both domestic and abroad, but 6 of those were post-divorce. My son started pre-K in Bosnia and now that he's at university, that was 14- different applications and transitions. That alone, not to mention setting up your kitchen 14 x, will make a woman insane. I am fried.

Anonymous wrote:You lost me after three sentences. Too long, go talk to a counselor

Thanks anyway.