Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

GenLeRoy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn’t your son technically an adult now if he’s in university? Why do you need an advocate to fight for custody? Seems like maybe you are putting energy into the wrong things. Focus on the money.

I am not focusing on custody, but someone else brought it up...It just was a lot, that's all. I am only focused on the money and him paying what is due to my son. But I won't get a fair trial, bc I never have.

Op, frankly you won’t get a fair trial because you present as a crazy person (and this is without even having heard your ex’s side of the story. ) I was sympathetic at first but the more you share the more I’m inclined to side with the ex.

You seem like an entitled btch. Way to blame the victim. Do you understand DV in all its forms? Moderator doesn’t seem to be interested in deleting reported trolls.

People aren’t trolling. OP is not having a reality based conversation here.

Jumping in and calling posters names is trolling.

OP is absolutely lucid, intelligent, articulate, and informed. You? Not so much. To you OP: You’re an incredible mother. You know this because it comes through in your writing. 90% of your goal was achieved because you got your son through it all and to the other side. He’s in a Paris University and thriving! You can and will cross the finish line. Your determination is clear. You’re strong. You deserve happiness and contentment. Your son needs you to get to the other side.

She is not.

You're definitely a troll and I am unaffected by trolls and a-holes, so live your best life. I suggest a mirror. To look at you and how ugly and messed up you are. Judge away and see how that works out for you and makes you feel inside.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

GenLeRoy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn’t your son technically an adult now if he’s in university? Why do you need an advocate to fight for custody? Seems like maybe you are putting energy into the wrong things. Focus on the money.

I am not focusing on custody, but someone else brought it up...It just was a lot, that's all. I am only focused on the money and him paying what is due to my son. But I won't get a fair trial, bc I never have.

Op, frankly you won’t get a fair trial because you present as a crazy person (and this is without even having heard your ex’s side of the story. ) I was sympathetic at first but the more you share the more I’m inclined to side with the ex.

You seem like an entitled btch. Way to blame the victim. Do you understand DV in all its forms? Moderator doesn’t seem to be interested in deleting reported trolls.

People aren’t trolling. OP is not having a reality based conversation here.

Jumping in and calling posters names is trolling.

OP is absolutely lucid, intelligent, articulate, and informed. You? Not so much. To you OP: You’re an incredible mother. You know this because it comes through in your writing. 90% of your goal was achieved because you got your son through it all and to the other side. He’s in a Paris University and thriving! You can and will cross the finish line. Your determination is clear. You’re strong. You deserve happiness and contentment. Your son needs you to get to the other side.

OMG, thank you SO much! That's really sweet and I needed that! Women really need other women to get through. It's little things like that that have made all the difference. Many times, when I was on the phone with the bank or schools or whatever, just the operators encouraging me- it meant so much. I don't think men have any idea how hard it is. But thank you so much for your words. I thiink I did it and now I am going to make it! All the best!

Anonymous wrote:

GenLeRoy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

GenLeRoy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your child?

Do you have a support system in NY?

Yeah something doesn't add up here. OP has been together with spouse for 20 years. The child wasn't a child for all of that.

There's a lot I am leaving out, but can you be more specific with what doesn't seem to be adding up? In my eyes, it is THIS much of an abomination. We were in the foreign service for 3 years before son was born and I left when he was 13. He's 18 now. But I can't get anyone to really take this on and I can't figure it out. Please ask me questions about what makes this not add up and I will fill in gaps. It really is this bad.

So you were wtih DH and he was supporting you normally up until your son was 13. A 13 year old needs a lot less "care" than a 2 year old. You seem to blame your DH for everything and make not attempt to control your own destiny. The time you leave is the time to get a job and start figuring out your life.

Now your son is off in college. You have all the time to focus on yourself. How many jobs did you apply for yesterday and today?

Things don't happen in a vaccum, especially when there is PTSD involved and it's not that easy. I have HAD multiple jobs and apply constantly, but being ready for them is the issue. I am in an educational program and am applying for an apprenticeship for more creative jobs, as opposed to nursing. I have no aversion to working and know it will make me better. It's being scared to leave the house bc of paralyzing fear and making mistakes and generally, feeling scared most of the time and my mind being disorganized like a tornado that holds me back.

Regardng your comment about a 2-year old vs a 13-year old...you're wrong. Especially when your husband is on a yearlong tour or he's not in his son's life. When I say I was single parenting- I mean 100% in every single sense of the word, with no aunties, sisters, etc. I think I know exactly what my son needs. Funny that one of the [male] judges said the very same thing...So, clearly you're a man who doesn't understand mothering. If my son needed my attention, he needed my attention. BTW, I have worked 2 of the 5 years, but they're doing neurological testing bc something isn't right...the jobs aren't working out well for me. Do you hear me? My brain isn't right. I am NOT lazy!

Ma’am it incredibly clear that you are mentally ill. I do hope you can get the treatment you desperately need.

Yes, I think it's incredibly clear bc I stated that I was emotionally and mentally not well. And also stated I was getting help. Thanks for your heartfelt concern.

Anonymous wrote:your lawyer should be speaking for you.

I don't have one. They don't appoint them in family law cases. You have to pay and I have no $. Legal aid can't help bc I am in NYC and it's in PA. I have tried 100 x... Whatever, it doesn't matter. That's pretty much over. It just was traumatizing to not be able to speak about MY FAMILY.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The financial stuff seems sketchy, but I wonder why you don’t think that the no-fault divorce was correct. That seems like the right call.

+1. The no-fault determination is made by state law. The husband’s filing as much makes no difference

Not true. It's about who files first. He filed under no-fault. If I had filed, I would have filed w/fault and every time I tried to talk, I was silenced. I know exactly what I am talking about...Been doing it for 5-years.

Anonymous wrote:OP I was in a similar situation with a spouse who moved states 5 times in 7 years expecting me to follow each time. Sometime I said no Ms waited for the next move. This was in the US so I could work, but like you could not work during COVID. I was also screwed financially w alimony & child support in divorce. My ex-spouse makes double what he did at filing, has investment properties, money abroad and deferred comp he does not declare and CS has not changed even though he could and should be paying double what he is.

What has helped me has been to let go or excuses and rage against injustices (even valid ones) stop expecting help, support, money or compassion from anyone and to plan to be alone forever. Anything else is just gravy.

If my kids were done living at home I would go balls to the wall working to make money. You should too.

I love this! Thanks! I think you're 100% right about accepting the injustice (at least or us) and then maybe one day trying to help other women. Everything is telling me to drop court. So what that he literally makes double now too (I filed FOIA) and that's just the beginning. He's a pr!ck and he gets to live with being a bad, but rich, father for the rest of his life. I wouldn't want that burden...Thanks! Glad you made it!

Anonymous wrote:4th, if you stayed with him, you two could've had lot of fun with this lifestyle without young kid to care for.

Gosh, I am not sure if you're hearing how emotionally abusive this guy is/was? Would you have fun living with a stone-cold, covert narcisstic with cluster b tendancies who didn't make eye contact with you or talk to you or sleep in your room? Sounds like a BLAST when the kid leaves. I would rather poke my eyes out with a sharp stick than have stayed with him, especially w/o my son. He was the only good thing about that marraige.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you have petS, as in, multiple pets?! You can’t afford it!

I wouldn't give OP a hard time about having pets. They may be the only emotional solace she has.

Thanks. No way would I give them up...In fact, they're part of why I am pushing ahead.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you have petS, as in, multiple pets?! You can’t afford it!

I wouldn't give OP a hard time about having pets. They may be the only emotional solace she has.

Thanks. No way would I give them up...In fact, they're part of why I am pushing ahead.

Anonymous wrote:First, you are right about emotional burden of a long term nomadic lifestyle. Even though there are lots of perks, there are cons too.

Second, you knew and accepted this lifestyle but eventually got tired of it so this is not your husband's fault, no fault divorce was the right filing.

Third, you've learned a lot of skills with travel, logistics and other experiences, you'll be a great fit for travel, expat or hospitality industry, specially for international schools. Get your health sorted out and then try to find a job suited to your strengths.

I loved being in the foreign service and we would get bored if we stayed in one place too long. I wasn't tired of the lifestyle, it was the husband who emotionally isolated me that made the lifestyle impossible. When you're not tight and connected, the moves become draining instead of exciting bc you're all alone. Two doctors on one countries economy almost turned him into the embassy for emotional neglect and isolation. This is a dude who didn't even make eye contact with me. And the fact he was able to erase me so easily, I think, says it all. I think there are people who can do this job and stay emotionally connected to their partners. I think you're misunderstanding...I didn't leave bc of the job, I left bc of the abusive husband. That's NOT a "no-fault." I was very clear- he met 10/17 of the standards to file for a fault divorce (and only 3 are needed). Please don't tell me what you don't know or understand. I loved being with State and moving! My son will likely join and I have thought of it too...

Thanks, I have considered moving abroad and doing different NGO stuff, just not ready yet. I will get there. Thank you!

Anonymous wrote:OP you need a list of things to do. No pets! No going to court anymore!
Line up all the benefits you can get, get into housing, get a stable income that won’t jeopardize your benefits and take time to settle and heal!
Do not leave NYC!

Thanks. Agree 100% but not giving up pets...But agree with all else. Thank you.

Anonymous wrote:OP you have petS, as in, multiple pets?! You can’t afford it!

Um, IDK what to even say here, but I made a committment to them, I have had them since long before I left the a-hole and I am not giving up on my family. JC, are you human?

Anonymous wrote:OP, I didn't read all the replies, but as a trailing spouse who has had a lot of the same experiences, this resonates - a lot. Going from successful professional, to contract work, to SAHM, to secretary, and then clawing my way back to some level of success, has been as much of a journey as the rest. The mental health/emotional challenges from that should not be underestimated. And that's before you get to the reality that you've been handling all the logistics and family admin for 20 years. I am sorry your ex-husband is an SOB.

But, onto practicalities - if your divorce has been in court for 5 years it's unlikely much is going to change on that front now. I'd focus on getting that process closed as soon as possible unless your lawyers advises that there's a chance of a better financial settlement. You need to move on.

I echo the advice to contact the FLO. There's also a Foreign Service group on Facebook - Trailing Houses. You might get some decent advice there or direction to other online groups.

I'm sorry this has happened - I hope you can focus on the future and building a new life. Best of luck.

thank you and I am sorry for any similar struggles you experienced. I think I didn't realize how bad off I was when I left. The week before, I was desperate, even planning a Marriage Encounter, but once I thought there was only one other way out, I knew that was it...I left and it was the hardest decision of my life. How I made it that long, I have no idea...I had to, I guess. I do think you're right about court bc it keeps re-traumatizing me, but there is something about him hiding money from my son that makes me so incredibly angry and wants to fight to get that to him. I don't want it, but my son is entitiled to it and how DARE he cheat our son! It's just so trashy. But I may need to switch gears and first of all, get myself better. And second, go to the top and starting fighting for change for other women. It's weird...in a way, I wanted him to pay the right amount so that my son could have a dad that paid the right amount, but reality is, I can't make his dad any better for my son. He's an SOB and there is not a damn thing I can do about it and my son loses for that. It hurts, but that's his story and his dad's and they'll need to work it out but it just hurts me for my son.

Thanks for your kind words! I have been hesitant to join trailing spouses groups bc they're probably all still in, right? I will try, though. I am now really looking ahead, I think bc my son is finally safe and an adult! THANK YOU!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

GenLeRoy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your child?

Do you have a support system in NY?

Yeah something doesn't add up here. OP has been together with spouse for 20 years. The child wasn't a child for all of that.

There's a lot I am leaving out, but can you be more specific with what doesn't seem to be adding up? In my eyes, it is THIS much of an abomination. We were in the foreign service for 3 years before son was born and I left when he was 13. He's 18 now. But I can't get anyone to really take this on and I can't figure it out. Please ask me questions about what makes this not add up and I will fill in gaps. It really is this bad.

So you were wtih DH and he was supporting you normally up until your son was 13. A 13 year old needs a lot less "care" than a 2 year old. You seem to blame your DH for everything and make not attempt to control your own destiny. The time you leave is the time to get a job and start figuring out your life.

Now your son is off in college. You have all the time to focus on yourself. How many jobs did you apply for yesterday and today?

You clearly have no clue about what being a foreign service family means.

Ditto. Thanks! Wow...This is what I dealt with in this rural-ish county in PA. What a joke...

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to ask Jeff to make your post anonymous. And you need to consult an attorney, maybe find a pro bono or women’s rights attorney or law school clinic or something.

I used a fake name ...But I have talked to so many attorneys, but the fact that he filed in PA and not in NY or DC or VA really put me in a bind. Tons of attorneys up here want to help, but the case is down there. What I really wanted was a women's rights attorney who wanted to take up this cause and wondered if there were any in DC who work on this stuff? Not for money, but to make change so this doesn't happen to other women. It just doesn't work out well for us in the end and if they want to recruit families and keep posts together and do it ethically, I think this issue should be addressed. I want to do all that and have some Gloria Allred-type, but I am just not there yet. If you know of any resources, though, for later, I would love to talk to her! Thanks!