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Thanks for this! Yes, you highlighted a lot of why I have stayed (left and came back). This city sort of helps take care of you if you're struggling. I don't want to lose my residency. Yes, Housing Connect- I am aware. My struggle is, since I haven't had stable work, my salary constantly fluctuates and when your name comes up, it must match what you entered. It's like this vortex or gridlock I am stuck in. I posted something on Stephanie's Listing's Project and asked if someone would take me and my pets in as a roommate. I am working on a voucher program, but they only give Section 8 here now if the DA is working w/you on a DV case and this "white collar DV" isn't chargable. But I am trying and will keep doing so. Thanks for your helpful tips. I am so emotionally bankrupt is a big part of the problem. I can see what I need to do, I just feel like I have lost hope. I never thought this could happen to me and I am devasted. I gave so much and it just doesn't make sense. The thing about narcissists is that they wear masks and you don't know who they are til it's too late (I still don't know who he is...Who hides money from their son?!). Thank you for the tips! I will follow-up!Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op, can you explain why you are living in nyc? Is there some benefit to that? It’s an incredibly expensive area.
Maybe you should move someplace cheaper.
I do recommend you stay away from red states that have not expanded Medicaid. You need good health insurance, so if you think of relocation spots, go to healthcare.gov, enter in the zip code, and see what sort of insurance the exchange has there.
NP. I had the same thought as this PP, but as a former NYC resident I sat with it and I think it’s a good location. NYC doesn’t require the investment of a car, transit is accessible and cheap, and healthcare is more readily available in most places I’ve lived save for Texas. Jobs are plentiful. But most importantly I think NYC has a really great system for housing lotteries for lower and middle income residents. OP, once you get a salaried job, you need to start getting yourself on every single list. Look in the NYT real estate section for stories about people who have landed affordable apartments after some time on the list. I knew more than a few people who went this route and regret not doing it when I was very stretched but not destitute in the City. This is not section 8 or public housing- it is for the apartments in already built or new buildings required to reserve a certain percentage of apartments for tenants of certain incomes.
https://housingconnect.nyc.gov/PublicWeb/search-lotteries
In the meantime you need to find a shared house or apartment in an outer borough to save money and avoid a huge deposit. By any chance did you go to a small college with supportive alumni, and do you have a college alma mater with an alumni email list? FB group? Anything? Post there. You don’t have to say you’re destitute, just that you’re restarting your life in NYC and looking for a temporary share while you decide what neighborhood is right for you. I literally saw a post like this on my alumni email list a while ago.
Next step is to apply for government and city agency jobs and executive assistant jobs. You don’t need to tell anyone the sad part of your life- you have had a hard time and maybe made a few bad decisions but you write in an engaging way that got more than a few of us to stick around with none of the usual “too long” complaints.
Please keep us updated. Many of us have come close to being in your situation or wonder if we might in the future.
I definintely thought about it, but the benefits I have here and services, plus how I knew it would help compensate for being a single parent (I couldn't go back to a suburban place and be two parents with soccer, clubs, school, lifestyle, etc...I knew I sort of needed the city to raise him, too. Plus, I don't need a car here.). I am considering leaving, but might be getting vouchers. It's all up in the air right now. If not, I may go live on some womanlands for a while. IDK where to go. I will literally need to start completely over in a much worse place than I was when I left home at 17, if you can believe it. But I get your point. Seeing if I can make it work, but might move. Once I leave the boroughs, all my benefits stop and I can't get any more help. I might be on the road in a couple of weeks, though! Headed yonder!Anonymous wrote:Op, can you explain why you are living in nyc? Is there some benefit to that? It’s an incredibly expensive area.
Maybe you should move someplace cheaper.
I do recommend you stay away from red states that have not expanded Medicaid. You need good health insurance, so if you think of relocation spots, go to healthcare.gov, enter in the zip code, and see what sort of insurance the exchange has there.
Thank you so much! I hope y'all are going strong and have a strong emotional connection, bc that's the only thing that can keep so much external stress managable. Thanks for posting!Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP. My husband is in DSS and your post resonated with me. This sort of lifestyle requires a huge sacrifice on our part, especially as far as our careers go. I hope you find some help soon.
Because there was fault. In PA, there are 17-factors which affect how to file and he met 10 of them, one of which was not sleeping in the marital bed for a decade and abandonment, amongst other things. Clearly, I can't add 20-years of marriage and all of our issues here, I just highlighted the final end-result, which is what hurts the worst. There was definitely fault, which he had no problem admitting throughout the marriage ('You have grounds to divorce me!' 'I am the worst husband!' 'You have every right to have an affair!'), just not in the actual divorce.Anonymous wrote:The financial stuff seems sketchy, but I wonder why you don’t think that the no-fault divorce was correct. That seems like the right call.
There's a lot I am leaving out, but can you be more specific with what doesn't seem to be adding up? In my eyes, it is THIS much of an abomination. We were in the foreign service for 3 years before son was born and I left when he was 13. He's 18 now. But I can't get anyone to really take this on and I can't figure it out. Please ask me questions about what makes this not add up and I will fill in gaps. It really is this bad.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:How old is your child?
Do you have a support system in NY?
Yeah something doesn't add up here. OP has been together with spouse for 20 years. The child wasn't a child for all of that.
Thank you! I should say, in case I was misleading, that I do have 1/2 of his pension from the date we separated, although he is trying to sue against it for those outstanding bills. But at least I have that, unless I somehow unwittingly signed that away, too.
Thank you very much. I will contact them. I had a feeling women in DC were far more familiar with things associated with foreign service than anywhere else, even NYC. But FYI, our court case was in a small courthouse outside of Philly (the one who let Bill Cobsy out of jail!)! Thanks for your help. I will reach out.Anonymous wrote:First. Please ask Jeff to change your post to anonymous.
I’m terribly sorry for your situation. There’s a place called The Women’s Center in Vienna VA. Maybe they can help you find a resource in NYC.
It sucks. Trailing spouses and "trad wives" don't work out too well if they end in divorce (and sometimes if they do NOT end in divorce!). If I make it, I want to fight to make change...The [patriarchial] family court system is absolutely evil. Nothing should happen outside of mediation.Anonymous wrote:WTF
Thanks for this- he's 18 and by a miracle, I got him to the doorstep of college (it got dicey up to the end! His dad even reneged after agreeing to sign for his financial aid- THE NIGHT BEFORE IT WAS DUE!Anonymous wrote:How old is your child?
Do you have a support system in NY?
), so he's good for now [god-willing!]. I have no social support system at all in NYC, but I am hooked into a few agencies that are trying to help. But I am alone. It sucks. I was so social my entire life. Wow, what an about face! Who knew merely leaving him would upend my entire life!
Thanks.Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry too.
Thank you!Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry
Hey. I am just reaching out to see if anyone has some gentle advice...I was married for 20-years and we joined together (I even worked while he didn't for a year before we joined State). I won't get into the details, bc we all know how this goes, but I should say that I did 100% of the emotional labor in the family, with raising our son and physical labor with home purchases, sellings, refinances and all fourteen moves (and that was fourteen schools for my son, who I just got to university, by the Grace of God!). I think I had a nervous breakdown from all the work I had to do, as he did two-unaccompanied in Iraq and Yemen, not to mention all the TDYs and trainings in DC to prep and debrief from the unaccompanied tours, and he learned two languages and was away from us during that time as well. We lived much of the time abroad and I was unable to work (although I tried) and when home, because of the nature of him being called out frequently on TDYs (he is DSS), there was no way I could work with a child. I tried a couple of times, but between how damaged I was and the stress it put on our family, it didn't last.
I finally had to leave, bc we were facing another overseas and I knew I couldn't make it bc of the extreme isolation (we were not at all emotionally connected, so I was essentially on my own on these tours and while my son was young, it was fine- bc I had him and all the mothers and entertaining, but as he got older, I became very isolated and unwell). I told him I wanted to split and he immediately locked me out of all the accounts and did very questionable things and hired a team of attorneys, while I had none. To this day (and it's been 5-years and we are still in court), I have never been able to speak in court. Of course, he beat me to filing and filed a no-fault, which it clearly was not. Also, it was in a jurisdiction that is very unfamiliar w/State dynamics and what we do and how overseas life is for us, etc. In-vain, I am sure, I am still fighting to get the money that is owed to my son, as he never once reported his increases and he makes double on his W-2s compared to when we split. He's hidden the per diem checks, free housing in DC, promotion increases, cost of living increases, locality pay changes, bonuses, cash awards, etc and he gets LEAP (25% more), which I am not sure is on his W-2s. Plus the free housing while overseas, etc. The judge took none of this into account and I never got a word in edgewise anyway, so I had no career, no money and started paying a $2700 rent, while my ex paid $0. I also somehow got stuck with all the bills bc I got the TSA. However, that was spent quickly bc we had to keep moving and COVID broke out, so we made two transcontinental moves and not being employed, that crumb of money evaporated. Going from State moving us and sort of babysitting/watching out for us for 20-years to me planning 100% on my own was very destabilizing, especially since he refused to pay me until I filed for child support myself (I sold my engagement ring) and each month was not predictable and it stayed in litigation for so long, I was not getting enough to even pay rent (and I had our child the whole time, too...This guy is a real loser). I got 2-years of alimony that wasn't even properly calculated bc of what I previously stated and I signed an agreement I didn't understand. I thought I would have lifelong insurance and I have a terminal kidney disease and life-threatening asthma (I have been hospitalized twice with this). Both my parents are dead and we got their inheritances, but both of his are alive and he will get both of those. I also thought when the alimony was finished, that he would pay the higher rate of child support for the state we lived in and I was tricked by he and his attorney into thinking this, so it stayed the same- a pathetically low amount.
Needless to say, re-entering the workforce as a displaced homemaker (while not being well, either) is hard enough, but doing it in this day and age, when there have been SO many changes and people over 40 are not taken too seriously, not to mention the pandemic and how hard it has been, I just haven't gotten on my feet yet, even though it's been 5-years. He refused to help me plan for our son in any way, and I have no living relatives and am 100% on my own, so I did my best. We moved to NYC and when I discovered the child support wouldn't increase after the alimony was done, I knew we couldn't afford NYC, so we moved back to Seattle. I was promptly hospitalized there, possibly with COVID, but it was before the breakout and as soon as the breakout happened, literally- Seattle schools CLOSED! They didn't go online. They CLOSED! That, combined with my son not yet having made any friends, after 2-months of being there, I called up NYC schools and they were already online and put him right back in his old classes and we packed our U-Haul up (gain!) and went right back to NYC where we have remained.
I am finally getting the PTSD help that I have needed (it was hard to take care of myself while taking care of my son bc of how much he's been through. He has no contact with his father by his choice) and he's struggled. I have had no health care. I recieve $145 a month from public assistance and food stamps. I am going to get some life skills and hopefully try to get back out there, but GAD is a problem and just so many compounding things are happening (like I might be homeless in two-weeks!)...Honestly, I think when he went to Iraq and the stress I was under (it was too much), I think I cracked and had a nervous breakdown and it's never been treated, with only more and more stress put on me. Court has caused me the most trauma bc my family was on-display and mischaracterized and I also had no say and he lied...I get victimzed every time I return. It's maddening. I think I need to go on SSI and take my time getting back into it all, but this will be a process.
I should note: I was at the top of my career when I met him. I was 30 and had already bought two homes by myself from my career job and a restaurant job I worked for years. I was creative and successful. And I did everything for our family. 100% of everything except actually going into work at the embasssy everyday. Outside of that, it was me.
There's a lot I am leaving out that make this even more tragic (like when he served me papers, trying to take my son away overseas with him, even though I raised him 100% alone and he didn't even make a visitation plan and told me the "nanny would replace me," I actually had an extreme panic attack and stopped breathing, went into respiratory arrest, followed by cardiac arrest bc of a lack of oxygen. My son found me immediately, called 9-1-1 and they were there in minutes administering life-saving CPR and I spent a week in the ICU)...So, lots of stories like that...
But outside of all the narcissistic and insane things he did, looking on Google, this story looks about the same as it did in the 1970s, specifically for trailing spouses. I am just shocked, bc we gave all of our time, too, we just didn't get paid and there is a hole in our résumé. I have lost a ton of confidence and I just don't know some days.
Sorry to be such a drag, but do y'all know of anything for women (and some men, maybe?) that are in our position? I just haven't bounced back and it all seems so hopeless. I want to fight back, but court really disempowered me the most. I want to complain to State officially and write all the powers-that-be, but don't even know if I have the energy...
Do you know of any women's groups about this that might be able to talk and help come up with ideas? I think I am going to have to walk away from this apartment and all of my things in it- all of my photos and all I built over the years- bc I have nothing...
Well, sorry if I brought anyone down, but I am down, so I can't lie. Thanks if you read this all the way through...And thanks in-advance if you write me back! I would SO much appreciate even some stories if you went through anything similar. I should say, the CLO (they're CLO, now, right?) has been really kind over the years, but that's all that's helped me. I have a domestic violence advocate in NYC, too, which is why I have my son. I would have lost him, as he tried desperately to just erase me. His life is 100% the same and ours has been- well- let's just say not at all like his.
Well, thanks and hope to hear back! I hope you all are faring better than I! On a positive note, I am trying this course called "Unsinkable: The Secret to Bouncing Back and hoping it helps.
All the best,
Gen
I finally had to leave, bc we were facing another overseas and I knew I couldn't make it bc of the extreme isolation (we were not at all emotionally connected, so I was essentially on my own on these tours and while my son was young, it was fine- bc I had him and all the mothers and entertaining, but as he got older, I became very isolated and unwell). I told him I wanted to split and he immediately locked me out of all the accounts and did very questionable things and hired a team of attorneys, while I had none. To this day (and it's been 5-years and we are still in court), I have never been able to speak in court. Of course, he beat me to filing and filed a no-fault, which it clearly was not. Also, it was in a jurisdiction that is very unfamiliar w/State dynamics and what we do and how overseas life is for us, etc. In-vain, I am sure, I am still fighting to get the money that is owed to my son, as he never once reported his increases and he makes double on his W-2s compared to when we split. He's hidden the per diem checks, free housing in DC, promotion increases, cost of living increases, locality pay changes, bonuses, cash awards, etc and he gets LEAP (25% more), which I am not sure is on his W-2s. Plus the free housing while overseas, etc. The judge took none of this into account and I never got a word in edgewise anyway, so I had no career, no money and started paying a $2700 rent, while my ex paid $0. I also somehow got stuck with all the bills bc I got the TSA. However, that was spent quickly bc we had to keep moving and COVID broke out, so we made two transcontinental moves and not being employed, that crumb of money evaporated. Going from State moving us and sort of babysitting/watching out for us for 20-years to me planning 100% on my own was very destabilizing, especially since he refused to pay me until I filed for child support myself (I sold my engagement ring) and each month was not predictable and it stayed in litigation for so long, I was not getting enough to even pay rent (and I had our child the whole time, too...This guy is a real loser). I got 2-years of alimony that wasn't even properly calculated bc of what I previously stated and I signed an agreement I didn't understand. I thought I would have lifelong insurance and I have a terminal kidney disease and life-threatening asthma (I have been hospitalized twice with this). Both my parents are dead and we got their inheritances, but both of his are alive and he will get both of those. I also thought when the alimony was finished, that he would pay the higher rate of child support for the state we lived in and I was tricked by he and his attorney into thinking this, so it stayed the same- a pathetically low amount.
Needless to say, re-entering the workforce as a displaced homemaker (while not being well, either) is hard enough, but doing it in this day and age, when there have been SO many changes and people over 40 are not taken too seriously, not to mention the pandemic and how hard it has been, I just haven't gotten on my feet yet, even though it's been 5-years. He refused to help me plan for our son in any way, and I have no living relatives and am 100% on my own, so I did my best. We moved to NYC and when I discovered the child support wouldn't increase after the alimony was done, I knew we couldn't afford NYC, so we moved back to Seattle. I was promptly hospitalized there, possibly with COVID, but it was before the breakout and as soon as the breakout happened, literally- Seattle schools CLOSED! They didn't go online. They CLOSED! That, combined with my son not yet having made any friends, after 2-months of being there, I called up NYC schools and they were already online and put him right back in his old classes and we packed our U-Haul up (gain!) and went right back to NYC where we have remained.
I am finally getting the PTSD help that I have needed (it was hard to take care of myself while taking care of my son bc of how much he's been through. He has no contact with his father by his choice) and he's struggled. I have had no health care. I recieve $145 a month from public assistance and food stamps. I am going to get some life skills and hopefully try to get back out there, but GAD is a problem and just so many compounding things are happening (like I might be homeless in two-weeks!)...Honestly, I think when he went to Iraq and the stress I was under (it was too much), I think I cracked and had a nervous breakdown and it's never been treated, with only more and more stress put on me. Court has caused me the most trauma bc my family was on-display and mischaracterized and I also had no say and he lied...I get victimzed every time I return. It's maddening. I think I need to go on SSI and take my time getting back into it all, but this will be a process.
I should note: I was at the top of my career when I met him. I was 30 and had already bought two homes by myself from my career job and a restaurant job I worked for years. I was creative and successful. And I did everything for our family. 100% of everything except actually going into work at the embasssy everyday. Outside of that, it was me.
There's a lot I am leaving out that make this even more tragic (like when he served me papers, trying to take my son away overseas with him, even though I raised him 100% alone and he didn't even make a visitation plan and told me the "nanny would replace me," I actually had an extreme panic attack and stopped breathing, went into respiratory arrest, followed by cardiac arrest bc of a lack of oxygen. My son found me immediately, called 9-1-1 and they were there in minutes administering life-saving CPR and I spent a week in the ICU)...So, lots of stories like that...
But outside of all the narcissistic and insane things he did, looking on Google, this story looks about the same as it did in the 1970s, specifically for trailing spouses. I am just shocked, bc we gave all of our time, too, we just didn't get paid and there is a hole in our résumé. I have lost a ton of confidence and I just don't know some days.
Sorry to be such a drag, but do y'all know of anything for women (and some men, maybe?) that are in our position? I just haven't bounced back and it all seems so hopeless. I want to fight back, but court really disempowered me the most. I want to complain to State officially and write all the powers-that-be, but don't even know if I have the energy...
Do you know of any women's groups about this that might be able to talk and help come up with ideas? I think I am going to have to walk away from this apartment and all of my things in it- all of my photos and all I built over the years- bc I have nothing...
Well, sorry if I brought anyone down, but I am down, so I can't lie. Thanks if you read this all the way through...And thanks in-advance if you write me back! I would SO much appreciate even some stories if you went through anything similar. I should say, the CLO (they're CLO, now, right?) has been really kind over the years, but that's all that's helped me. I have a domestic violence advocate in NYC, too, which is why I have my son. I would have lost him, as he tried desperately to just erase me. His life is 100% the same and ours has been- well- let's just say not at all like his.
Well, thanks and hope to hear back! I hope you all are faring better than I! On a positive note, I am trying this course called "Unsinkable: The Secret to Bouncing Back and hoping it helps.
All the best,
Gen