Hidden emotional abuse

[Anonymous]

This is confusing but I’ll try to simplify it. For a very long time, I didn’t realize that the stuff my Husband puts me through is emotionally abusive. I won’t go into details but is passive aggressive and cold shoulder and silent treatment and sarcasm and disrespect in many forms. I have 2 sons and 2 daughters . My children (older teens and early twenties ) don’t see it because my husband is very very good at doing this shit quietly and subtly and behind everyone’s back.

So all my kids are left to see is my anger and annoyance and difficulty that seems to just be coming from me...not from my reaction to being treated the way I have been. So I know my kids think their father is just wonderful, especially since he goes out of his way to help the 2 boys now that they are older even though he was never around when they were younger. It’s like now that they are older he can get some positive feedback for himself as I think he is very very emotionally immature and almost narcissistic in a quiet way (I think it’s called vulnerable narcissism ).

He has almost no relationship with my oldest and youngest as they are girls . He showers all his attention on the 2 boys.


I’m distraught as it’s just one more layer of hurt ..seeing them thinking he’s such a great guy .

I’ve started counseling but just wanted to vent I guess, and also wondered if anyone has had any experience with this quiet type of abuse. I recently fantasizes about what would happen if he hit me and they could all see who he really is and I would kick him the hell out that day. But this makes it so confusing

[Anonymous]

Get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Don’t bother divorcing just establish a separate life with your own interests.

[Anonymous]

Oh honey. You can kick him out without him hitting you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t bother divorcing just establish a separate life with your own interests.

That is what I did once my kids left for college. I earn more money and don't want to be in a position of paying him spousal support. So, I keep my money separate and live my life.

[Anonymous]

Doesn’t emotional abuse include those who force their husbands into sexless marriages?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t bother divorcing just establish a separate life with your own interests.

That is what I did once my kids left for college. I earn more money and don't want to be in a position of paying him spousal support. So, I keep my money separate and live my life.

Agree, and the key for making this all workable for OP is - do not react when he is trying to push your buttons. He does this because your reactions amuse him. My husband used to threaten to divorce me if we were disagreeing about something. Once I stopped reacting and was like, well, do what you’ve got to do, he stopped that sh*t. You need to detach emotionally. Not ideal for a marriage, but necessary in situations like this.

[Anonymous]

Op, give us a few examples as what you think he does as emotional abuse. Sometimes, people get too carried away by these names and they carry weight. For example, I heard that rolling your eyes on someone is an emotional abuse? Really? I probably did that on my DH several times.

[Anonymous]

Yup. I'm hung up on the label of "emotional abuse." Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. But the term is both weighty and poorly defined. Maybe the guy is abusing you. Maybe you're just tired of him and your styles of interacting have just become incompatible.

[Anonymous]

OP here. No I won’t list examples and and the dirty details. I don’t care that people here want to do the same thing to me that he has done for years (spin it so it looks like my anger at his crap is the cause of the problem instead of my Anger being the result of the things he does )

I don’t need DCUM to confirm this is emotional abuse and really happening , and no it’s not rolling of the eyes . I wish. It’s a persistent pattern of severe disrespect in many forms and it has only gotten worse as I don’t just keep my mouth shut and still be the doormat like I used to.

My only reason for posting was to see if anyone had any experience about the “hidden” aspect of it all. But true to form, DCUM didn’t disappoint by acting like jerks .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, give us a few examples as what you think he does as emotional abuse. Sometimes, people get too carried away by these names and they carry weight. For example, I heard that rolling your eyes on someone is an emotional abuse? Really? I probably did that on my DH several times.

Rolling eyes is not abusive. But it’s immature and disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No I won’t list examples and and the dirty details. I don’t care that people here want to do the same thing to me that he has done for years (spin it so it looks like my anger at his crap is the cause of the problem instead of my Anger being the result of the things he does )

I don’t need DCUM to confirm this is emotional abuse and really happening , and no it’s not rolling of the eyes . I wish. It’s a persistent pattern of severe disrespect in many forms and it has only gotten worse as I don’t just keep my mouth shut and still be the doormat like I used to.

My only reason for posting was to see if anyone had any experience about the “hidden” aspect of it all. But true to form, DCUM didn’t disappoint by acting like jerks .

Yes I spent years with a very charming and intelligent narcissist. It wasn’t until I started counselling by myself that I realised how abusive some behaviours were. Marriage counselling didn’t work because he would be able to manipulate the therapists into thinking it was also my fault. Truth is nothing I did justified his behaviours. Often I wouldn’t even remember exactly what he did and I couldn’t explain it well to the therapist or friends because of cognitive dissonance as a result of his gaslighting. So I started writing everything down in a journal while it was fresh in my memory.

I do think that it would be helpful to have some examples provided because it would help us to give you better advice. You can change details obviously.

[Anonymous]

"Covert narcissism" is a term I have heard

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No I won’t list examples and and the dirty details. I don’t care that people here want to do the same thing to me that he has done for years (spin it so it looks like my anger at his crap is the cause of the problem instead of my Anger being the result of the things he does )

I don’t need DCUM to confirm this is emotional abuse and really happening , and no it’s not rolling of the eyes . I wish. It’s a persistent pattern of severe disrespect in many forms and it has only gotten worse as I don’t just keep my mouth shut and still be the doormat like I used to.

My only reason for posting was to see if anyone had any experience about the “hidden” aspect of it all. But true to form, DCUM didn’t disappoint by acting like jerks .

Yes I spent years with a very charming and intelligent narcissist. It wasn’t until I started counselling by myself that I realised how abusive some behaviours were. Marriage counselling didn’t work because he would be able to manipulate the therapists into thinking it was also my fault. Truth is nothing I did justified his behaviours. Often I wouldn’t even remember exactly what he did and I couldn’t explain it well to the therapist or friends because of cognitive dissonance as a result of his gaslighting. So I started writing everything down in a journal while it was fresh in my memory.

I do think that it would be helpful to have some examples provided because it would help us to give you better advice. You can change details obviously.

BTDT. Not being able to exactly recall or explain it is one of the most disturbing aspects. You just want someone THERE with you so see for themselves and tell you you’re not crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No I won’t list examples and and the dirty details. I don’t care that people here want to do the same thing to me that he has done for years (spin it so it looks like my anger at his crap is the cause of the problem instead of my Anger being the result of the things he does )

I don’t need DCUM to confirm this is emotional abuse and really happening , and no it’s not rolling of the eyes . I wish. It’s a persistent pattern of severe disrespect in many forms and it has only gotten worse as I don’t just keep my mouth shut and still be the doormat like I used to.

My only reason for posting was to see if anyone had any experience about the “hidden” aspect of it all. But true to form, DCUM didn’t disappoint by acting like jerks .

Yes I spent years with a very charming and intelligent narcissist. It wasn’t until I started counselling by myself that I realised how abusive some behaviours were. Marriage counselling didn’t work because he would be able to manipulate the therapists into thinking it was also my fault. Truth is nothing I did justified his behaviours. Often I wouldn’t even remember exactly what he did and I couldn’t explain it well to the therapist or friends because of cognitive dissonance as a result of his gaslighting. So I started writing everything down in a journal while it was fresh in my memory.

I do think that it would be helpful to have some examples provided because it would help us to give you better advice. You can change details obviously.

OP here. Thanks for the information. There is constant sarcasm, mocking me under his breath, nasty looks, ignoring regular conversations I start (just chatting), but responding to others, Constant annoyed tone as if I'm just SOOO stupid, just acting like a jerk to me in general when I'm talking. Opposing, correcting, and putting down every single thing I talk about, or ignoring it altogether. I recently started a new part time job and he has never asked me one question about how it is going. Not once.

I feel the same as you PP in that I don't know if I can explain it well. Although there have been more blatant things like giving us all the silent treatment when he gets a bug up his ass about something at work, or someone didn't shut the DAMN BACK DOOR (his words) fast enough for him, etc. We have gone on family walks or bike rides many times where he disappears and goes off by himself leaving the kid's reactions and hurt to deal with on my own. 90% of the time he is in a miserable mood and snaps at the kids for very little things.

Rest assured that I've had many many discussions with him about this stuff, and he says he will change, but then never does. I asked at one point why he was so angry with me, and the world in general, and he said he wasn't angry. After a ruined family vacation, I told him he needed to either get help or get out, and he said he would. Of course, he hasn't.


He "jokes" in a demeaning way. Any time I call him on his passive aggressive language or nastiness, he says he was "just joking". In my opinion, that's just another form of gaslighting; Acting like he wasn't just a complete jerk to me.

He blew up at my youngest the other day, in an extreme way. Then he stormed out and drove away for hours because she called him a jerk for screaming the way he did. My older son had guests outside and they probably heard the whole thing. He refuses to parent my youngest and undermines any parenting I do. She is a challenge and I have asked for him to meet with the therapist with me to get on the same page, and he ignores me, and just acts like a domineering jerk to her which makes her challenges harder to deal with, and makes my life harder in the process.

Then days like today he will arrive home in a jolly mood and act like nothing happened the other 90 % of the time that he is miserable to be around. And the kids love it, and it pisses me the F off because nothing has changed for me and the last 10 years of my life have been hell living with him.

How did I ever believe he wouldn't turn into his father? He is just like him.