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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.   No I won’t list examples and and the dirty details.    I don’t care that people here want to do the same thing to me that he has done for years (spin it so it looks like my anger at his crap is the cause of the problem instead of my Anger being the result of the things he does )

I don’t need DCUM to confirm this is emotional abuse and really happening , and no it’s not rolling of the eyes .  I wish.  It’s a persistent pattern of severe disrespect in many forms and it has only gotten worse as I don’t just keep my mouth shut and still be the doormat like I used to.

My only reason for posting was to see if anyone had any experience about the “hidden” aspect of it all.  But true to form, DCUM didn’t disappoint by acting like jerks .

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Yes I spent years with a very charming and intelligent narcissist. It wasn’t until I started counselling by myself that I realised how abusive some behaviours were. Marriage counselling didn’t work because he would be able to manipulate the therapists into thinking it was also my fault. Truth is nothing I did justified his behaviours. Often I wouldn’t even remember exactly what he did and I couldn’t explain it well to the therapist or friends because of cognitive dissonance as a result of his gaslighting. So I started writing everything down in a journal while it was fresh in my memory.

I do think that it would be helpful to have some examples provided because it would help us to give you better advice. You can change details obviously.[/quote]

OP here.  Thanks for the information.  There is constant sarcasm, mocking me under his breath, nasty looks, ignoring regular conversations I start (just chatting), but responding to others, Constant annoyed tone as if I'm just SOOO stupid, just acting like a jerk to me in general when I'm talking.  Opposing, correcting,  and putting down every single thing I talk about, or ignoring it altogether.  I recently started a new part time job and he has never asked me one question about how it is going.    Not once.

I feel the same as you PP in that I don't know if I can explain it well.    Although there have been more blatant things like giving us all the silent treatment when he gets a bug up his ass about something at work, or someone didn't shut the DAMN BACK DOOR (his words) fast enough for him, etc.    We have gone on family walks or bike rides many times where he disappears and goes off by himself leaving the kid's reactions and hurt to deal with on my own.   90% of the time he is in a miserable mood and snaps at the kids for very little things.

Rest assured that I've had many many discussions with him about this stuff, and he says he will change, but then never does.  I asked at one point why he was so angry with me, and the world in general, and he said he wasn't angry.    After a ruined family vacation, I told him he needed to either get help or get out, and he said he would.   Of course, he hasn't.

He "jokes" in a demeaning way.  Any time I call him on his passive aggressive language or nastiness, he says he was "just joking".     In my opinion, that's just another form of gaslighting;   Acting like he wasn't just a complete jerk to me.

He blew up at my youngest the other day, in an extreme way.   Then he stormed out and drove away for hours because she called him a jerk for screaming the way he did.   My older son had guests outside and they probably heard the whole thing.   He refuses to parent my youngest and undermines any parenting I do.   She is a challenge and I have asked for him to meet with the therapist with me to get on the same page, and he ignores me, and just acts like a domineering jerk to her which makes her challenges harder to deal with, and makes my life harder in the process.

Then days like today he will arrive home in a jolly mood and act like nothing happened the other 90 % of the time that he is miserable to be around.  And the kids love it, and it pisses me the F off because nothing has changed for me and the last 10 years of my life have been hell living with him.

How did I ever believe he wouldn't turn into his father?   He is just like him.

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