Hidden emotional abuse

[Anonymous]

IME the hiddeness is an integral part of it. One way to the world another way to you in private. This is the essence of almost all abuse. Most of these people are super charming in public and maintain an admirable facade.

[Anonymous]

Damn op I’m sorry. I relate sooo much and no it’s not in your head. If you don’t experience it people don’t get it. I stay so I can stave off the growing damage he does to our daughter. I’ve become more independent and will take the tactic pp noted when she goes to college- just live separately.

In the meantime I’ve started to shine a light on it when I’m able. “Oh interesting that you find (idea, whatever fill in the blank), you told me I was stupid when I said that.” Or similar. I just find the way to let people know he’s not this angel they think he is. I don’t know that I recommend it but it makes me feel better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a divorce.

Divorce or disassociate.

Is he in the autism spectrum plus some other disorders? Could be. Hope your therapist knows disorders well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No I won’t list examples and and the dirty details. I don’t care that people here want to do the same thing to me that he has done for years (spin it so it looks like my anger at his crap is the cause of the problem instead of my Anger being the result of the things he does )

I don’t need DCUM to confirm this is emotional abuse and really happening , and no it’s not rolling of the eyes . I wish. It’s a persistent pattern of severe disrespect in many forms and it has only gotten worse as I don’t just keep my mouth shut and still be the doormat like I used to.

My only reason for posting was to see if anyone had any experience about the “hidden” aspect of it all. But true to form, DCUM didn’t disappoint by acting like jerks .

Yes my spouse is only neglectful and abusive in the home. Of all three of us.

At work and BBQs he puts on his Jekyll and Hyde show. He’s like another personality. He still does the chronic lying, exaggerating and put downs (to me, daring me to correct him in a social setting and “look crazy” or “no sense of humor”).

He’s aspie Rogers and narcissistic. Actually has a diagnosis, he went in for to prove he was perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Covert narcissism" is a term I have heard

Need to yellow rock and gray rock while you plan your exit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No I won’t list examples and and the dirty details. I don’t care that people here want to do the same thing to me that he has done for years (spin it so it looks like my anger at his crap is the cause of the problem instead of my Anger being the result of the things he does )

I don’t need DCUM to confirm this is emotional abuse and really happening , and no it’s not rolling of the eyes . I wish. It’s a persistent pattern of severe disrespect in many forms and it has only gotten worse as I don’t just keep my mouth shut and still be the doormat like I used to.

My only reason for posting was to see if anyone had any experience about the “hidden” aspect of it all. But true to form, DCUM didn’t disappoint by acting like jerks .

With friends or family that you trust, go all together in a vacation for a week or two, share a house and schedule.
Tip someone off in what to look for, don’t take his traps and bait.they usually can’t keep up their act for longer than a three day weekend.

This is a type where living with them is hell. Working with them is likely he’ll too, esp If there is a hierarchy. But playing Disney dad or seeing the, around the pool or dinners they turn on the charm and manipulation. Easily half of what they say can be made up or total lies.
Yes I spent years with a very charming and intelligent narcissist. It wasn’t until I started counselling by myself that I realised how abusive some behaviours were. Marriage counselling didn’t work because he would be able to manipulate the therapists into thinking it was also my fault. Truth is nothing I did justified his behaviours. Often I wouldn’t even remember exactly what he did and I couldn’t explain it well to the therapist or friends because of cognitive dissonance as a result of his gaslighting. So I started writing everything down in a journal while it was fresh in my memory.

I do think that it would be helpful to have some examples provided because it would help us to give you better advice. You can change details obviously.

BTDT. Not being able to exactly recall or explain it is one of the most disturbing aspects. You just want someone THERE with you so see for themselves and tell you you’re not crazy.

[Anonymous]

Is snapping a form of emotional abuse? Most of the time people's irritation is from something they are unhappy about or hidden issues from childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, give us a few examples as what you think he does as emotional abuse. Sometimes, people get too carried away by these names and they carry weight. For example, I heard that rolling your eyes on someone is an emotional abuse? Really? I probably did that on my DH several times.

Rolling eyes is not abusive. But it’s immature and disrespectful.

For therapists, it certainly is a form of emotional abuse. Check it out if you don't believe me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t bother divorcing just establish a separate life with your own interests.

That is what I did once my kids left for college. I earn more money and don't want to be in a position of paying him spousal support. So, I keep my money separate and live my life.

You may not be paying him spousal support but half the money you are putting in separate accounts is his if he every decides to divorce. Does he not work? You are unlikely to pay spousal support to a working man - just child support related to the amount of custody he has.

[Anonymous]

Sounds hereditary- his father, him, possibly your difficult youngest daughter or the sons.

Read up on NT/AS relationships or www.theneurotypical.com

Does he have any deep or meaningful relationships? Or just talk shop or TV shows or news articles? Can he discuss anything if feelings are mentioned or involved? Or stonewall or get angry and deflect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Covert narcissism" is a term I have heard

Need to yellow rock and gray rock while you plan your exit.

Wow! NP but I didn't know about yellow rock. OP - look this stuff up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Damn op I’m sorry. I relate sooo much and no it’s not in your head. If you don’t experience it people don’t get it. I stay so I can stave off the growing damage he does to our daughter. I’ve become more independent and will take the tactic pp noted when she goes to college- just live separately.

In the meantime I’ve started to shine a light on it when I’m able. “Oh interesting that you find (idea, whatever fill in the blank), you told me I was stupid when I said that.” Or similar. I just find the way to let people know he’s not this angel they think he is. I don’t know that I recommend it but it makes me feel better.

This type may fly off the handle at those such comments.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you bring out the worst in each other. No matter his behavior, you are still accountable for your “anger” as you describe it. I would give the ultimatum of couples counseling or divorce. Book the appointment and have a lawyer ready if he doesn’t show up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh honey. You can kick him out without him hitting you.

How do you kick him out? Pray tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you bring out the worst in each other. No matter his behavior, you are still accountable for your “anger” as you describe it. I would give the ultimatum of couples counseling or divorce. Book the appointment and have a lawyer ready if he doesn’t show up.

No couples counseling with abusers. She already learned that the hard way.