Can This Marriage be Salvaged?

[Anonymous]

The basics: We married at age 21 after dating for a few years, no prior relationships. Together 15 years. 2 young kids.

DH has some flaws that bother me. The easiest way to describe them -- he's very square. He isn't into adventure or spontaneity, he's not hot or charming or witty, he doesn't talk much and can be kind of boring, he wants to live a normal suburban life. I've always wanted to have big adventures, take career risks, take months to travel all over the world, actively explore our local area on weekends, etc. Also, I have a higher libido, he's not like most men and fine having sex just 2-3 times per month.

That said, he has a lot of amazing qualities. He is honest, calm, very sweet and caring, a good provider, good person, good dad. He's the kind of person that will always bring me some hot tea when I'm not feeling well, help our around the house even when working an intense job, is really nice to my family and they love him. We also are attracted to each other and have great sex (just not as often as I'd like). I thought that his groundedness balanced me out because I'm a little intense, lots of emotional ups and downs, lots of not-practical dreams and plans.

So, for the past 15 years, I'd generally be happy with him, but about once a year I would sort of freak out and start asking "What am I doing with my life? Did I marry the wrong person?" We've talked a lot about it, done therapy, etc. He's definitely compromised on doing more travel and adventure, more sex, etc...not where I want to be but better than before. I have also practiced reframing my expectations to not be disappointed. I tend to have very high expectations for myself and my life. I realize that the perfect guy I dream of doesn't exist - I have never met anyone in real life and thought, "Well, I'd rather be with that guy." Divorcing and remarrying would be like changing one set of problems for another.

Here's our current problem: For the past year or so since we've had our second kid, he's become like a different person. He's become very negative and emotional, overwhelmed, basically hates life. To be clear, he has legitimate reasons for it: He had some issues at work, had to shoulder a lot of the childcare during COVID, we had to stop our couples-only vacation because the grandparents can't watch two kids at once, we can't buy a house due to the current market and had a lot of stress around this, he really struggled to adjust to the noise and chaos of 2 kids, has no family or friends to support him (family sucks - not his fault; friends - he chose to focus on an intense career for many years and let friendships drops away).

So we're both in a terrible place. He is mentally and physically exhausted, says he can't stand spending all his time after work and on weekends with little kids, desperately needs a break. He is moody and negative and takes it out on me and the kids. He says he feels like he messed up his life, got married too young, etc. He resents me for being so different from him. He wants friends but says it's impossible to meet close friends at this age.

Meanwhile, I'm resentful that the very things that made our marriage worth it for me - the unwavering support, the positivity, the smiles and caresses and love - are gone. I tried to support him at first by trying to take the kids and give him occasional breaks on the weekend, but I'm also extremely overwhelmed. We have childcare while we work, but life with young kids means that you're taking care of them evenings and weekends, and you're tired, and that's hard enough without having your partner fall apart and take it out on you. Plenty of parents do this...and much more. Our two kids are great sleepers and generally well-behaved. I am resentful that he is acting like it's some great burden.

He already switched to a less demanding job. He also took a week's vacation a few months ago all by himself, and that helped temporarily, but he says that after a decade of intense work, a week is not enough. Neither is an hour or two here or there (in fact, he says he doesn't even know what to do with small chunks of free time, as he has no friends or hobbies). We've done couples therapy, he is in individual therapy, none of it is helping. I think good therapists must be booked up or impossible to find or something. We've tried like 4 different therapists and they all just spend the whole time helping us understand the source of our problems and validating our feelings without actually leading us to any solutions.

How can two people improve their marriage if they're both exhausted and there are two young kids to take care of? And both are disappointed and feeling screwed over by life and each other? I feel like we need some kind of foundation, something positive to hold on to to get us through the tough times, but we can't seem to do that because we're both doubting if we married the wrong person.

[Anonymous]

Tldr, you need to adjust your expectations. Sounds like you have a great guy but you just want everything to be wonderful and to feel elated all the time. I get you because I have similar tendencies, but I encourage you to ride out this period before you do anything drastic. By the time the youngest is 4-5 you should know whether this was a passing stage brought on by stress/pandemic or something worth getting divorced over.

Divorce with two kids is no joke, and with your temperament you would probably throw yourself into multiple love affairs with guys who would upend your world.

[Anonymous]

Someone once said about running “don’t decide to quit early when you’re running up a hill.” I think people don’t divorce enough but just as you’re not in a position to drastically improve your marriage, you’re not in a position to see things long term. I would hold out for a bit longer.

[Anonymous]

So my main observation in reading all of this is - does he want to work on the marriage/stay married?

It's clear you do despite some of your disappointments, but it's less clear to me that he really does.

I'm not advocating divorce, but has it been discussed?

You are also in a hugely challenging place with 2 small kids. You might find that as the kids get older and need less that it works itself out. If you don't let resentment build and just accept that right now is the suck you might find that a couple of years down the road things are different.

[Anonymous]

You need to hire paid childcare for a few hours a day and or on weekends.

This is absolutely not a reason to divorce. It is just a season of marriage. Don’t be stupid.

[Anonymous]

I have no idea why I think so, but yes I think it can be salvaged. Two young kids and in the midst of a pandemic is HARD. Trying to make new friends in the middle of a pandemic is hard. I would try not to decide anything right now.

Are you able to carve out time for the two of you to go do things together? Take a drive & explore somewhere new nearby. Small hike. Picnic somewhere. Anything to reconnect without the kids.

[Anonymous]

Wow, this is a tough one. As someone who is 60 and happily married 30+ years and with two (now grown) kids, I can confirm that this particular stretch of life -- with both working hard and to little kids -- is the time of greatest overall stress, esp. if both are trying to build careers as opposed to merely working for a paycheck.

I have two ideas, one short-term and one longer. First, try to restore the couples-only vacation somehow. Maybe the in-laws could take both kids if you paid for a babysitter too? Seems like what you need most is some couples-time free of the stresses of everyday life.

Second idea is more radical -- maybe think about how you could make a big change such as move to a much cheaper area where the cost-of-living is much lower and some of the stresses of everyday life can be ratcheted down? I have no idea what your financial situation is so this may be unrealistic. I also don't know if you can work remotely but, if so, that might be a solution.

Honestly it sounds like he is the one who really needs a major change and that change has to do with work. No career is worth the sacrifice of all one's free time and friendships. But on the positive side, it sounds like he realizes that and has already taken steps to address it. Perhaps he should take a page from you and do something re work that is even more radical. Would he do that if you supported and encouraged it?

-- A DH who was once a workaholic too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Wow, this is a tough one. As someone who is 60 and happily married 30+ years and with two (now grown) kids, I can confirm that this particular stretch of life -- with both working hard and to little kids -- is the time of greatest overall stress, esp. if both are trying to build careers as opposed to merely working for a paycheck.

I have two ideas, one short-term and one longer. First, try to restore the couples-only vacation somehow. Maybe the in-laws could take both kids if you paid for a babysitter too? Seems like what you need most is some couples-time free of the stresses of everyday life.

Second idea is more radical -- maybe think about how you could make a big change such as move to a much cheaper area where the cost-of-living is much lower and some of the stresses of everyday life can be ratcheted down? I have no idea what your financial situation is so this may be unrealistic. I also don't know if you can work remotely but, if so, that might be a solution.

Honestly it sounds like he is the one who really needs a major change and that change has to do with work. No career is worth the sacrifice of all one's free time and friendships. But on the positive side, it sounds like he realizes that and has already taken steps to address it. Perhaps he should take a page from you and do something re work that is even more radical. Would he do that if you supported and encouraged it?

-- A DH who was once a workaholic too

That second idea is a really good one.

[Anonymous]

"DH has some flaws that bother me. The easiest way to describe them -- he's very square. He isn't into adventure or spontaneity, he's not hot or charming or witty, he doesn't talk much and can be kind of boring, he wants to live a normal suburban life. I've always wanted to have big adventures, take career risks, take months to travel all over the world, actively explore our local area on weekends, etc. Also, I have a higher libido, he's not like most men and fine having sex just 2-3 times per month. "

This here is your problem. You are married with two kids. Unless you are super rich or worked hard enough you don't DESERVE to be live this way. Who's paying for all these month long trips?

Grow up. You're a parent and a wife. You're not 20 with an endless bank account.

[Anonymous]

Meet him for a special nice lunch at a hotel. Book a room. Make that part a surprise. Think of other surprises you can give him in the room. Say you thought you both needed some unplanned intimacy and time for just the two of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to hire paid childcare for a few hours a day and or on weekends.

This is absolutely not a reason to divorce. It is just a season of marriage. Don’t be stupid.

+1,000

All of marriages have stages. You are a low point. Been there myself and then time, kids ages, life, work move on and you get back to happy, even grow much mor in love.

I read a study where most people these days jump ship at first sign of discomfort/adversity. Any subsequent marriage will end up same over time.

[Anonymous]

Why is the failure to buy a house the subject of so much stress? Is your current living situation problematic?

[Anonymous]

You sound like a complete and utter brat. Maybe get yourself some therapy to figure out what is wrong with you.

[Anonymous]

Two small children during a pandemic with two working parents is very hard. You said he changed after the new baby. I think all of those stressors, plus (this is a constructive observation based on what you wrote) managing you and your annual disappointments in him have pushed him to the breaking point. While you regularly have regrets and issues, it has pent up and boiled over for him. He needs a break, perhaps a sabbatical from work (and you) for a month or two if you all can afford it. Did he take paternity leave? ( I know this is not what PL is for but the man needs out and may not want a mental health note on his record).

The fact that he is not the happy go lucky guy right now that allowed you to overlook the boring guy does not mean that you get to throw in the towel. I can only imagine what 15 or so years of being told I’m boring etc by my “person” would do to a psyche. He didn’t give up on you or the marriage and in fact changed to make you happier, trips, sex etc. So now you be his rock.

Yes, the marriage can be salvaged..if you want to salvage it. Be his supporter until he can find his footing again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Wow, this is a tough one. As someone who is 60 and happily married 30+ years and with two (now grown) kids, I can confirm that this particular stretch of life -- with both working hard and to little kids -- is the time of greatest overall stress, esp. if both are trying to build careers as opposed to merely working for a paycheck.

I have two ideas, one short-term and one longer. First, try to restore the couples-only vacation somehow. Maybe the in-laws could take both kids if you paid for a babysitter too? Seems like what you need most is some couples-time free of the stresses of everyday life.

Second idea is more radical -- maybe think about how you could make a big change such as move to a much cheaper area where the cost-of-living is much lower and some of the stresses of everyday life can be ratcheted down? I have no idea what your financial situation is so this may be unrealistic. I also don't know if you can work remotely but, if so, that might be a solution.

Honestly it sounds like he is the one who really needs a major change and that change has to do with work. No career is worth the sacrifice of all one's free time and friendships. But on the positive side, it sounds like he realizes that and has already taken steps to address it. Perhaps he should take a page from you and do something re work that is even more radical. Would he do that if you supported and encouraged it?

-- A DH who was once a workaholic too

That second idea is a really good one.

I disagree the second idea is a really terrible idea—I did that in my marriage and it really destroyed it. That is Band-Aid to the real problem.