Can This Marriage be Salvaged?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think with 2 kids you can be a jet setter on adventures for months. This is not reality based. Maybe in your retirement.

OP here. I personally know several families with young kids who do this, plus many others in my mom travel groups on Facebook. It's not necessarily 5-star travel and it's with kids, so it is hard and messy, but many regular families are having amazing travel adventures all the time. ESPECIALLY now with remote work becoming more common. I have friends whose husbands are consultants or lawyers traveling around with their young kids right now.

It's a matter of priorities - choosing a career that would accommodate this kind of flexibility, cutting spending on other things (house, cars, etc)...my DH just doesn't prioritize travel that much so it doesn't happen for us.

I don't think one approach is better than another, but I wish we weren't so different.

Right now seems like a particularly bad time to be traveling around with kids, given that most of them are not eligible for vaccination, but you do you.

Yeah, I'm sorry, but this is BS. There is no way OP knows "several families" who are traveling for months at a time with little kids during COVID.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you're hearing toward 40 and think you can get a better deal out there. Please be aware of what awaits you out there. For one thing, competing with single, childless 20something women. Men tend to date younger. You will begin to miss the reliability of a stable relationship, you will want again what you threw away. He will move on and find a younger woman, and she will become your children's stepmother. Could you handle another woman's view of how your children should be raised, what's allowable?

Are you willing to blow your children's nuclear family to smithereens because you're bored, and not willing work at being less boring?

Our culture is telling women to walk away as soon as they're bored and can't deal with stability. Your divorced women friends will tell you to go for it, because misery loves company.

OP here. I totally agree with this. I just don't know how to make peace with giving up some of my key dreams for my life and marriage without feeling disappointed and resentful. It seems like there is a key life skill of "being happy with what you have and not yearning for more" and I haven't learned it.

I think OP you might be having a bit of a midlife crisis. If these were really "key dreams", who is this coming up now with young kids? My guess is that you are feeling restless, looking for adventure, novelty, change, and you imagine this life of excitement of traveling the world for months at a time with young kids. I get it. But it's not realistic, and if it were really a "key dream", you'd already be doing it because you would have made different decisions along the way.

He is probably going through a bit of depression, too, and his is coming out as irritability.

And this last year and a half has been brutal for everyone. Add on top of that a toddler and preschooler, and yes, it can be very trying.

Instead of letting this drive you apart, why don't you work together to find a solution that makes everyone happier?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"DH has some flaws that bother me. The easiest way to describe them -- he's very square. He isn't into adventure or spontaneity, he's not hot or charming or witty, he doesn't talk much and can be kind of boring, he wants to live a normal suburban life. I've always wanted to have big adventures, take career risks, take months to travel all over the world, actively explore our local area on weekends, etc. Also, I have a higher libido, he's not like most men and fine having sex just 2-3 times per month. "

This here is your problem. You are married with two kids. Unless you are super rich or worked hard enough you don't DESERVE to be live this way. Who's paying for all these month long trips?

Grow up. You're a parent and a wife. You're not 20 with an endless bank account.

You didn't read the entire post, did you?

[Anonymous]

Even now, you see the differences in your personalities as his”flaws” but they’re not - being a steady homebody isn’t a flaw, and yet he went to therapy with you to adapt to what you wanted in a partner. It had to be hard for him to comfort you through your wanderlust and unhappiness with him and your life year after year. If you can acknowledge the possible impact on him then your marriage is salvageable.

[Anonymous]

OP I have/had a similar situation with my husband. The only answer was to take vacations from work and make sure he had alone time and went to work out a lot. He’s human, think of him as another child for a bit until he gets better. Perhaps get a live in nanny to help you. If you want to make your marriage work, it sounds like you need to take the reins. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you're hearing toward 40 and think you can get a better deal out there. Please be aware of what awaits you out there. For one thing, competing with single, childless 20something women. Men tend to date younger. You will begin to miss the reliability of a stable relationship, you will want again what you threw away. He will move on and find a younger woman, and she will become your children's stepmother. Could you handle another woman's view of how your children should be raised, what's allowable?

Are you willing to blow your children's nuclear family to smithereens because you're bored, and not willing work at being less boring?

Our culture is telling women to walk away as soon as they're bored and can't deal with stability. Your divorced women friends will tell you to go for it, because misery loves company.

OP here. I totally agree with this. I just don't know how to make peace with giving up some of my key dreams for my life and marriage without feeling disappointed and resentful. It seems like there is a key life skill of "being happy with what you have and not yearning for more" and I haven't learned it.

I guess … what were you expecting getting married so young? You didn’t have time to explore and understand what you really want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The basics: We married at age 21 after dating for a few years, no prior relationships. Together 15 years. 2 young kids.

DH has some flaws that bother me. The easiest way to describe them -- he's very square. He isn't into adventure or spontaneity, he's not hot or charming or witty, he doesn't talk much and can be kind of boring, he wants to live a normal suburban life. I've always wanted to have big adventures, take career risks, take months to travel all over the world, actively explore our local area on weekends, etc. Also, I have a higher libido, he's not like most men and fine having sex just 2-3 times per month.

That said, he has a lot of amazing qualities. He is honest, calm, very sweet and caring, a good provider, good person, good dad. He's the kind of person that will always bring me some hot tea when I'm not feeling well, help our around the house even when working an intense job, is really nice to my family and they love him. We also are attracted to each other and have great sex (just not as often as I'd like). I thought that his groundedness balanced me out because I'm a little intense, lots of emotional ups and downs, lots of not-practical dreams and plans.

So, for the past 15 years, I'd generally be happy with him, but about once a year I would sort of freak out and start asking "What am I doing with my life? Did I marry the wrong person?" We've talked a lot about it, done therapy, etc. He's definitely compromised on doing more travel and adventure, more sex, etc...not where I want to be but better than before. I have also practiced reframing my expectations to not be disappointed. I tend to have very high expectations for myself and my life. I realize that the perfect guy I dream of doesn't exist - I have never met anyone in real life and thought, "Well, I'd rather be with that guy." Divorcing and remarrying would be like changing one set of problems for another.

Here's our current problem: For the past year or so since we've had our second kid, he's become like a different person. He's become very negative and emotional, overwhelmed, basically hates life. To be clear, he has legitimate reasons for it: He had some issues at work, had to shoulder a lot of the childcare during COVID, we had to stop our couples-only vacation because the grandparents can't watch two kids at once, we can't buy a house due to the current market and had a lot of stress around this, he really struggled to adjust to the noise and chaos of 2 kids, has no family or friends to support him (family sucks - not his fault; friends - he chose to focus on an intense career for many years and let friendships drops away).

So we're both in a terrible place. He is mentally and physically exhausted, says he can't stand spending all his time after work and on weekends with little kids, desperately needs a break. He is moody and negative and takes it out on me and the kids. He says he feels like he messed up his life, got married too young, etc. He resents me for being so different from him. He wants friends but says it's impossible to meet close friends at this age.

Meanwhile, I'm resentful that the very things that made our marriage worth it for me - the unwavering support, the positivity, the smiles and caresses and love - are gone. I tried to support him at first by trying to take the kids and give him occasional breaks on the weekend, but I'm also extremely overwhelmed. We have childcare while we work, but life with young kids means that you're taking care of them evenings and weekends, and you're tired, and that's hard enough without having your partner fall apart and take it out on you. Plenty of parents do this...and much more. Our two kids are great sleepers and generally well-behaved. I am resentful that he is acting like it's some great burden.

He already switched to a less demanding job. He also took a week's vacation a few months ago all by himself, and that helped temporarily, but he says that after a decade of intense work, a week is not enough. Neither is an hour or two here or there (in fact, he says he doesn't even know what to do with small chunks of free time, as he has no friends or hobbies). We've done couples therapy, he is in individual therapy, none of it is helping. I think good therapists must be booked up or impossible to find or something. We've tried like 4 different therapists and they all just spend the whole time helping us understand the source of our problems and validating our feelings without actually leading us to any solutions.

How can two people improve their marriage if they're both exhausted and there are two young kids to take care of? And both are disappointed and feeling screwed over by life and each other? I feel like we need some kind of foundation, something positive to hold on to to get us through the tough times, but we can't seem to do that because we're both doubting if we married the wrong person.

There’s a lot up there but does he have any diagnoses? Like high functioning autism? If so he will get overwhelmed with responsibilities or just working during the day. Unfortunately you have to take most home life and children things OFF his plate entirely.

[Anonymous]

The way I read this is the following: for years everything was all about me. Now my husband has some needs and I am resentful that it is still not all about me. Maybe it’s just the way it was written but that is the message I saw.

[Anonymous]

Marriages have ups and downs, and this past year and a half has been pretty hard on most marriages. You have two children and a devoted husband who may be your opposite in terms of personality, but also balances you out. Given that, I think it's worth waiting out this current rough patch and making real efforts to improve your marriage. For him, this period of time may have been more challenging than for you, as it had to really require dealing with a lot of uncertainty, being in a constant state of anxiety, and requiring making major shifts in your everyday life and routine to simply make things work.

[Anonymous]

No addiction, no abuse, no adultery = No divorce

Op, you're bored. Everyone gets bored. You would be evil to wreak your kids' lives.

Become a better person. Stop thinking of divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The basics: We married at age 21 after dating for a few years, no prior relationships. Together 15 years. 2 young kids.

DH has some flaws that bother me. The easiest way to describe them -- he's very square. He isn't into adventure or spontaneity, he's not hot or charming or witty, he doesn't talk much and can be kind of boring, he wants to live a normal suburban life. I've always wanted to have big adventures, take career risks, take months to travel all over the world, actively explore our local area on weekends, etc. Also, I have a higher libido, he's not like most men and fine having sex just 2-3 times per month.

That said, he has a lot of amazing qualities. He is honest, calm, very sweet and caring, a good provider, good person, good dad. He's the kind of person that will always bring me some hot tea when I'm not feeling well, help our around the house even when working an intense job, is really nice to my family and they love him. We also are attracted to each other and have great sex (just not as often as I'd like). I thought that his groundedness balanced me out because I'm a little intense, lots of emotional ups and downs, lots of not-practical dreams and plans.

So, for the past 15 years, I'd generally be happy with him, but about once a year I would sort of freak out and start asking "What am I doing with my life? Did I marry the wrong person?" We've talked a lot about it, done therapy, etc. He's definitely compromised on doing more travel and adventure, more sex, etc...not where I want to be but better than before. I have also practiced reframing my expectations to not be disappointed. I tend to have very high expectations for myself and my life. I realize that the perfect guy I dream of doesn't exist - I have never met anyone in real life and thought, "Well, I'd rather be with that guy." Divorcing and remarrying would be like changing one set of problems for another.

Here's our current problem: For the past year or so since we've had our second kid, he's become like a different person. He's become very negative and emotional, overwhelmed, basically hates life. To be clear, he has legitimate reasons for it: He had some issues at work, had to shoulder a lot of the childcare during COVID, we had to stop our couples-only vacation because the grandparents can't watch two kids at once, we can't buy a house due to the current market and had a lot of stress around this, he really struggled to adjust to the noise and chaos of 2 kids, has no family or friends to support him (family sucks - not his fault; friends - he chose to focus on an intense career for many years and let friendships drops away).

So we're both in a terrible place. He is mentally and physically exhausted, says he can't stand spending all his time after work and on weekends with little kids, desperately needs a break. He is moody and negative and takes it out on me and the kids. He says he feels like he messed up his life, got married too young, etc. He resents me for being so different from him. He wants friends but says it's impossible to meet close friends at this age.

Meanwhile, I'm resentful that the very things that made our marriage worth it for me - the unwavering support, the positivity, the smiles and caresses and love - are gone. I tried to support him at first by trying to take the kids and give him occasional breaks on the weekend, but I'm also extremely overwhelmed. We have childcare while we work, but life with young kids means that you're taking care of them evenings and weekends, and you're tired, and that's hard enough without having your partner fall apart and take it out on you. Plenty of parents do this...and much more. Our two kids are great sleepers and generally well-behaved. I am resentful that he is acting like it's some great burden.

He already switched to a less demanding job. He also took a week's vacation a few months ago all by himself, and that helped temporarily, but he says that after a decade of intense work, a week is not enough. Neither is an hour or two here or there (in fact, he says he doesn't even know what to do with small chunks of free time, as he has no friends or hobbies). We've done couples therapy, he is in individual therapy, none of it is helping. I think good therapists must be booked up or impossible to find or something. We've tried like 4 different therapists and they all just spend the whole time helping us understand the source of our problems and validating our feelings without actually leading us to any solutions.

How can two people improve their marriage if they're both exhausted and there are two young kids to take care of? And both are disappointed and feeling screwed over by life and each other? I feel like we need some kind of foundation, something positive to hold on to to get us through the tough times, but we can't seem to do that because we're both doubting if we married the wrong person.

THis is a lot OP especially with kids still young.

Have you expounded on any of the bolded above with an individual therapist. What is the family history and is that leading him to be Over the Edge in terms of functioning as a husband, father, worker (glad he got into a less intense job). I am glad he is communicating how he feels and making SOME changes. But at some point he's going to have to he the Restart button at home and be a father and adult.

He sounds depressed and anxious at a minimum. But that could be outputs of an underlying issue or disorder. are the therapists he's seeing Phd? Do they sometimes speak with you to triangulate to what's really going on? It seems like he hit a capacity wall with two kids. With two kids it means one parent is not necessarily getting downtime while the other is with the kids. Not until they're older and doing their own thing more with friends.

good luck. this seems complicated. I second the take to look into adhd or aspergers.

[Anonymous]

Has he ever sat down and said what his expectations of life was with two kids? It sounds like his life growing up was troubled in some way so may be his only model he paid attention to: shut down.