Can This Marriage be Salvaged?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to hire paid childcare for a few hours a day and or on weekends.

This is absolutely not a reason to divorce. It is just a season of marriage. Don’t be stupid.

+1,000

All of marriages have stages. You are a low point. Been there myself and then time, kids ages, life, work move on and you get back to happy, even grow much mor in love.

I read a study where most people these days jump ship at first sign of discomfort/adversity. Any subsequent marriage will end up same over time.

I really hate this advice because it kept me in a bad marriage for 10 years. “Marriage has stages—it’s hard.” This is not always true. Mine was hard the whole time…hard for 10 years. Time only made it worse and my biggest regret is not leaving before wasting all those years.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I think it’s salvageable. I would look into some couples therapy to help develop some new ways of balancing your time together, time with kids and time apart. Left to fester without some intervention, you’ll be in a really bad place in a few years.

And I agree with the poster above—stop putting the blame for your dashed dreams of galavanting around the world on him. You have made these choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to hire paid childcare for a few hours a day and or on weekends.

This is absolutely not a reason to divorce. It is just a season of marriage. Don’t be stupid.

+1,000

All of marriages have stages. You are a low point. Been there myself and then time, kids ages, life, work move on and you get back to happy, even grow much mor in love.

I read a study where most people these days jump ship at first sign of discomfort/adversity. Any subsequent marriage will end up same over time.

I really hate this advice because it kept me in a bad marriage for 10 years. “Marriage has stages—it’s hard.” This is not always true. Mine was hard the whole time…hard for 10 years. Time only made it worse and my biggest regret is not leaving before wasting all those years.

This is why in my above comment I wrote “give it time.” I have seen so many people, especially women, invest way too much in a marriage that was just not a good fit. I do think OP is asking too much do her spouse but that doesn’t mean the solution is to want less, it might be to look for that elsewhere.

But I still think this is a bad time to evaluate things.

[Anonymous]

14:14 very good advice. OP, ignore the haters and negative comments.

Here's another idea: Buy a pair of really good noise-cancelling headphones. Put in place a system in which each of you gets some designated time to wear them and do something by yourself (read, etc) while the other parent handles the kids.

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids? Are they back in daycare/school so your DH isn’t the sole childcare provider? If not, why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
14:14 very good advice. OP, ignore the haters and negative comments.

Here's another idea: Buy a pair of really good noise-cancelling headphones. Put in place a system in which each of you gets some designated time to wear them and do something by yourself (read, etc) while the other parent handles the kids.

Hey, 14:14 here. 😊 Thanks

[Anonymous]

So you're hearing toward 40 and think you can get a better deal out there. Please be aware of what awaits you out there. For one thing, competing with single, childless 20something women. Men tend to date younger. You will begin to miss the reliability of a stable relationship, you will want again what you threw away. He will move on and find a younger woman, and she will become your children's stepmother. Could you handle another woman's view of how your children should be raised, what's allowable?

Are you willing to blow your children's nuclear family to smithereens because you're bored, and not willing work at being less boring?

Our culture is telling women to walk away as soon as they're bored and can't deal with stability. Your divorced women friends will tell you to go for it, because misery loves company.

[Anonymous]

Has he been screened for depression? Recommend considering anti-depressants. It’s been a hard 18 months

[Anonymous]

It seems that your husband is feeling very tied down now that you two have two young children.
The parental responsibilities that now exist seem to be dragging your husband down.

This is unfortunate however he chose to bring both of these kids into the world.
Therefore it is HIS responsibility to figure out a way to find a suitable balance in his life that includes them.

He sounds very selfish to me.
He has two young children yet complains to you that he needs more than a week of free time.
Sorry, the majority of parents do not get a week off from parenthood.

Once people have children - any notion of free time flies out the window.
Breaks from kids are luxuries that most parents can only fantasize about.

Your husband needs to realize + accept this new trajectory his life is on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems that your husband is feeling very tied down now that you two have two young children.
The parental responsibilities that now exist seem to be dragging your husband down.

This is unfortunate however he chose to bring both of these kids into the world.
Therefore it is HIS responsibility to figure out a way to find a suitable balance in his life that includes them.

He sounds very selfish to me.
He has two young children yet complains to you that he needs more than a week of free time.
Sorry, the majority of parents do not get a week off from parenthood.

Once people have children - any notion of free time flies out the window.
Breaks from kids are luxuries that most parents can only fantasize about.

Your husband needs to realize + accept this new trajectory his life is on.

Also, how was his childhood. Men often start having issues with unresolved family of origin/childhood trauma when their kids reach the age they were when it started. Happened to my spouse and he sounds a lot like yours did at that time. Our kids are teens and he’s 50 now, processed it and he’s such a happy healthier person and the marriage is too.

[Anonymous]

I don't think with 2 kids you can be a jet setter on adventures for months. This is not reality based. Maybe in your retirement.

[Anonymous]

I hope for your young children’s sake, you can work it out. Has your husband been treated for depression? I wish I had more to offer.

[Anonymous]

Op i am the exact same age and have been married just as long. My kids are a little older now, but when they were little my husband was also very stressed out and we didn’t have as much sex. I definitely say wait until they are a bit older, because for us things definitely got easier and better. We do have about equal sex drive however, but I’ve been trying to initiate more and wear sexy lingerie. We also plan trips without the kids. We both wonder what it would be like sleeping/being with other people but it’s not worth blowing up a good marriage over. You said you’re husband isn’t a spontaneous or exciting. Maybe you can take a trip to another country together or something like that to compensate for that?

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it can be salvaged because you haven’t been happy with your husband for a long time. You’ve tolerated him because of his good qualities but your annual “woe is me I should have married better” pity party has probably taken an enormous toll on his self esteem. Add in job stress, an additional kid, money issues and a pandemic and it’s no wonder he’s throwing in the towel. Admittedly you have had your doubts about him over the years. And he knows this since you’ve been in counseling about it. The best thing for both of you is to probably move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you're hearing toward 40 and think you can get a better deal out there. Please be aware of what awaits you out there. For one thing, competing with single, childless 20something women. Men tend to date younger. You will begin to miss the reliability of a stable relationship, you will want again what you threw away. He will move on and find a younger woman, and she will become your children's stepmother. Could you handle another woman's view of how your children should be raised, what's allowable?

Are you willing to blow your children's nuclear family to smithereens because you're bored, and not willing work at being less boring?

Our culture is telling women to walk away as soon as they're bored and can't deal with stability. Your divorced women friends will tell you to go for it, because misery loves company.

None of this is universally true. I’m divorced. Your scenario you paint could not be further from the truth.

Personally, I think OP is facing a rough patch and salvageable. But if the rough patch is 5+ years…stop wasting time.