Don’t marry someone who has been recently divorced

[Anonymous]

Even if it seems like the divorce is amicable and they’ve worked through their issues. Even if they say “the marriage was over a long time ago.” Even if you’re getting older and worried about infertility. Don’t do it. They are lying to you and probably also themselves.

They will say they are eager to move onto the next phase of their life, that they are ready. You bet they are! Eager to pretend that other marriage didn’t happen. They want their do over. They are deep in their feelings of failure and remorse even if they seem fine, and they need to process those feelings, preferably in therapy.

They will say things about how the law requires them to wait too long to finalize their divorce (I actually agree with them there) and so bring just-divorced is more like being divorced a while ago. Nope. I don’t care if you’ve been separated for 6 months before your divorce. You aren’t over it.

Of course they want to get married now. Of course they want to plan a wedding instead of working through their BS. Guess what— they probably want to have a baby soon too. That’s also a nice distraction! And then that kid will distract them for a few years too.

Do they like to travel? Super into activities and bars and restaurants? You bet! Anything that keeps them from thinking about this stuff sounds good. So fun! And they will tell you how glad they are to share it all with you. Which is sweet, but is also about how glad they are to not be alone. Being alone is fking terrifying to them because then they’d have to confront their demons

Which they will, eventually. And the longer they wait, the worse it is.

Don’t marry someone who just got divorced. Give it a year or two, see where things shake out. Trust me on this one.

[Anonymous]

Sorry you had to go through that. But that SHOULD be common sense.

I have a friend who married a woman who started dating him before her divorce was finalized (no, they didn't cheat together). So he was the first person she dated after her divorce. They are still married, but ... no. He's had an affair, she's really not fully adult.

[Anonymous]

This seems pretty obvious. Only someone truly despaeate and pathetic would jump into a marriage that quickly

[Anonymous]

Duh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This seems pretty obvious. Only someone truly despaeate and pathetic would jump into a marriage that quickly

I happens all the time though, with people who absolutely have other options. I think it often happens because it feels someone exciting or illicit (like you are taking someone from someone else, which excites certain people) and then you are "in love" and it just steams ahead from there.

I would say never, ever date someone whose divorce is not final. That line about legal waiting periods for divorce is common. But what's the longest you ever have to stay separated before you divorce -- a year? That might seem like a long time for the people involved, but in the grand scheme of things it's really not that long and probably a good idea to hold off on dating until after you finalize. What a good opportunity to work on yourself and think about what you want.

I have heard many separated, soon-to-be divorced people complain about having trouble dating during that time period and I do think it's due to a desire to move on mentally and also because they feel lonely, and I agree with OP that this is not a good environment to me dating in. Just wait until the divorce is final and then do what you want.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you married my ex-husband. His remarriage occurred a couple of months after the divorce was final (and we filed at one year separated). He went from marriage to online dating to re-coupling and never took a second to reflect on the demise of the long term marriage or his role in it. He convinced himself that our marriage had been over for years (it haven’t been). He quickly got his new wife pregnant and will have a minor child in his house until he’s elderly. Lately whenever I have any contact with him about our kids or finances he’s nasty- and he used to get that way when we were married when he was unhappy with his life or needed sex. I feel for his new wife but it is what it is. Broken attracts broken.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you married my ex-husband. His remarriage occurred a couple of months after the divorce was final (and we filed at one year separated). He went from marriage to online dating to re-coupling and never took a second to reflect on the demise of the long term marriage or his role in it. He convinced himself that our marriage had been over for years (it haven’t been). He quickly got his new wife pregnant and will have a minor child in his house until he’s elderly. Lately whenever I have any contact with him about our kids or finances he’s nasty- and he used to get that way when we were married when he was unhappy with his life or needed sex. I feel for his new wife but it is what it is. Broken attracts broken.

Ain’t that the truth!! I think a lot of people overlook things because they are so desperate to get married, start a family. Also, a lot if these people had Marc tendencies and that love bombing is what sucks the new sucker in. That’s why you don’t move that fast.

[Anonymous]

There used to be a view that two years were needed before most were ready for a real new relationship.

I know a few people who used that as a rule for dating post divorce. It seemed to serve them well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you married my ex-husband. His remarriage occurred a couple of months after the divorce was final (and we filed at one year separated). He went from marriage to online dating to re-coupling and never took a second to reflect on the demise of the long term marriage or his role in it. He convinced himself that our marriage had been over for years (it haven’t been). He quickly got his new wife pregnant and will have a minor child in his house until he’s elderly. Lately whenever I have any contact with him about our kids or finances he’s nasty- and he used to get that way when we were married when he was unhappy with his life or needed sex. I feel for his new wife but it is what it is. Broken attracts broken.

Yup. I've known several men who are eager to get onto the apps during separation as a kind of distraction from the divorce, but dang if it isn't uncanny how they meet the "love of their life" within a month and a half. Then they wait for the divorce before cohabitating (most divorce decrees actually require this), then there's a ring, and wedding, and a baby, usually all in about two years time. Hmmm, yes, what an excellent "distraction from the divorce." Listen to yourselves.

No one ever says "I'm going to date during my separation so that I can find my replacement spouse" but damn if that isn't what happens a lot of the time (for men, women generally don't want replacement husbands).

[Anonymous]

Most divorces between hetero couples are initiated by the woman. And men are much more likely to remarry quickly.

Y’all, they are feeling rejected and want to feel wanted again. It’s very basic psychology. Women don’t rush into remarriage because they find divorce itself to be self-affirming. Men NEED remarriage for their bruised egos.

Don’t do it. Find someone e who wants to be with you for you, not someone who is running away from their feelings of hurt and rejection into the arms of the first acceptable alternative. And definitely don’t have kids with with him right away! Think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most divorces between hetero couples are initiated by the woman. And men are much more likely to remarry quickly.

Y’all, they are feeling rejected and want to feel wanted again. It’s very basic psychology. Women don’t rush into remarriage because they find divorce itself to be self-affirming. Men NEED remarriage for their bruised egos.

Don’t do it. Find someone e who wants to be with you for you, not someone who is running away from their feelings of hurt and rejection into the arms of the first acceptable alternative. And definitely don’t have kids with with him right away! Think.

Re: the bold, please back that up with real sources and numbers. Not that I don't believe you but those are big, sweeping statements made as if they're gospel and without some form of statistics to back them up, they're just anecdotes, not facts.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry you went through this, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most divorces between hetero couples are initiated by the woman. And men are much more likely to remarry quickly.

Y’all, they are feeling rejected and want to feel wanted again. It’s very basic psychology. Women don’t rush into remarriage because they find divorce itself to be self-affirming. Men NEED remarriage for their bruised egos.

Don’t do it. Find someone e who wants to be with you for you, not someone who is running away from their feelings of hurt and rejection into the arms of the first acceptable alternative. And definitely don’t have kids with with him right away! Think.

Re: the bold, please back that up with real sources and numbers. Not that I don't believe you but those are big, sweeping statements made as if they're gospel and without some form of statistics to back them up, they're just anecdotes, not facts.

DP - https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2015/08/150822154900.htm

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you married my ex-husband. His remarriage occurred a couple of months after the divorce was final (and we filed at one year separated). He went from marriage to online dating to re-coupling and never took a second to reflect on the demise of the long term marriage or his role in it. He convinced himself that our marriage had been over for years (it haven’t been). He quickly got his new wife pregnant and will have a minor child in his house until he’s elderly. Lately whenever I have any contact with him about our kids or finances he’s nasty- and he used to get that way when we were married when he was unhappy with his life or needed sex. I feel for his new wife but it is what it is. Broken attracts broken.

Yup. I've known several men who are eager to get onto the apps during separation as a kind of distraction from the divorce, but dang if it isn't uncanny how they meet the "love of their life" within a month and a half. Then they wait for the divorce before cohabitating (most divorce decrees actually require this), then there's a ring, and wedding, and a baby, usually all in about two years time. Hmmm, yes, what an excellent "distraction from the divorce." Listen to yourselves.

No one ever says "I'm going to date during my separation so that I can find my replacement spouse" but damn if that isn't what happens a lot of the time (for men, women generally don't want replacement husbands).

Well, go over to the thread about how supposedly men are in marriages and relationships primarily -- really, only, according to that thread -- for assured availability of sex. According to some posters there, if the sex changes, there's less of it, it's not as "good" as they want (whatever they mean by that), they are finished with the relationship. And there are men on that thread who seem to think they'll have women lined up to take the place of the wives they claimed they loved but only wanted for sex. Those are the guys out there meeting "the love of their lives" months after a divorce. They're not meeting their loves, they're meeting fresh meat.

[Anonymous]

The people I know who got divorce only the women got remarried. It was like a mission.