Don’t marry someone who has been recently divorced

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you had a bad experience. All divorces are different.

There are many marriages where the marriage was dead a long time ago. I was in one. My marriage was basically over at 18 months in (we never should have married) and it lasted for 10 YEARS. Sexless for most of it. No cheating. We had to admit we could not live this way anymore...not even "for the kids."

In my case, the marriage was over so long ago that the divorce was a non-event. In fact, I had a breakup of a short relationship that was terrible. Completely heartbroken. The divorce was nothing.

I am a woman.

If my ExH said things you said be wary of, it would be the absolute truth. It was over long long ago and there are no issues. But he is not dumb enough to get married again (or at least not quickly).

I am sorry this happened to you, but it is not a hard and fast rule to stay away when people say these things. Sometimes it is the truth.

I think this negates the rest of what you are saying. You are basically in agreement with the OP, because you are saying that it would be dumb to remarry quickly after a marriage even if it "was over for a long time" and everyone seems totally fine with the divorce and it is obviously in everyone's best interest. OP isn't saying "don't marry a divorced person." She's saying, "don't marry someone who just got divorced even if they say they are over it and it was just a formality."

I really think the problem is that even if you feel you are totally over your relationship with the person you married, marriage is bigger than just that relationship. Obviously if you have kids, that makes things automatically more complicated and you need time to help your kids adjust to the new situation and also to figure out what it means to parent in this new way. That's an automatic reason to wait.

But even without kids, there are emotions around a marriage that aren't even really about the spouse. You have to figure out how to live on your own. You have to figure out how to navigate friendships and family relationships that have become used to functioning around your marriage (even if it was sexless and dysfunctional!). The weight of carrying around a a marriage that is "already over" for years and years... ten years! That is such a long time to be in a legal relationship that you don't even think should exist anymore. That is itself a thing you need to deal with.

So yeah, even when people think their divorce is just a formality and they are totally over it and they don't need time to grieve or adjust or sort through things... they usually do. I could imagine a situation where there are no kids, and the couple lived separately for years, and there were no financial or other entanglements, but that's an extremely rare situation. At a bare minimum, we're talking about someone who just moved out of the home they shared with the same person for a decade to essentially start a brand new life that they may not know how to constructor just yet. I don't think that's the best time to create a lifelong attachment to that person, if for no other reason than you don't know who they will be in 6 months or a year. They don't even know. Why not give it a little bit of time for the dust to settle?

No, the bolded part does not negate what I said at all. The bolded part is that my ExH is not what she encountered even though he could say the same things. The OP is making assumptions to be wary of everyone who says the marriage was over a long time ago"--in a lot of cases, that is true and she is warning others it is not. Not all men--even if true--are going to immediatey remarry.

I don't think time is a factor in dust settling. Some people need time. Some really don't because their marriage was not normal or it really had been over for years--kids really have a way of making you stay way longer than you should. That is me and my ex. It was not normal and over for years. (but neither of us want to remarry and just date so we are not like people who jump to other relationships...we did not date while separated but I think it would have been fine too because really, it as OVER so long ago it is not even funny). I did not need time for adjustment. My adjustment was done early in the marriage that I did not have a normal relationship and all romantic stuff was gone. People who divorce quickly may need time. People whose marriage was over for years really don't need any time at all. Adjustment has long been done.

Well this is just nonsense. No one is advising people to simply disbelieve anyone who says “the marriage was over a long time ago.” We are saying not to marry someone who just got divorced or is not even divorced yet. No one is worried about what someone who is smart enough to wait before remarrying is saying.

The whole premise of this thread is don’t MARRY someone who just got divorced. No one is saying divorced people can’t remarry or don’t deserve to think about their marriage and divorce however they choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you had a bad experience. All divorces are different.

There are many marriages where the marriage was dead a long time ago. I was in one. My marriage was basically over at 18 months in (we never should have married) and it lasted for 10 YEARS. Sexless for most of it. No cheating. We had to admit we could not live this way anymore...not even "for the kids."

In my case, the marriage was over so long ago that the divorce was a non-event. In fact, I had a breakup of a short relationship that was terrible. Completely heartbroken. The divorce was nothing.

I am a woman.

If my ExH said things you said be wary of, it would be the absolute truth. It was over long long ago and there are no issues. But he is not dumb enough to get married again (or at least not quickly).

I am sorry this happened to you, but it is not a hard and fast rule to stay away when people say these things. Sometimes it is the truth.

I think this negates the rest of what you are saying. You are basically in agreement with the OP, because you are saying that it would be dumb to remarry quickly after a marriage even if it "was over for a long time" and everyone seems totally fine with the divorce and it is obviously in everyone's best interest. OP isn't saying "don't marry a divorced person." She's saying, "don't marry someone who just got divorced even if they say they are over it and it was just a formality."

I really think the problem is that even if you feel you are totally over your relationship with the person you married, marriage is bigger than just that relationship. Obviously if you have kids, that makes things automatically more complicated and you need time to help your kids adjust to the new situation and also to figure out what it means to parent in this new way. That's an automatic reason to wait.

But even without kids, there are emotions around a marriage that aren't even really about the spouse. You have to figure out how to live on your own. You have to figure out how to navigate friendships and family relationships that have become used to functioning around your marriage (even if it was sexless and dysfunctional!). The weight of carrying around a a marriage that is "already over" for years and years... ten years! That is such a long time to be in a legal relationship that you don't even think should exist anymore. That is itself a thing you need to deal with.

So yeah, even when people think their divorce is just a formality and they are totally over it and they don't need time to grieve or adjust or sort through things... they usually do. I could imagine a situation where there are no kids, and the couple lived separately for years, and there were no financial or other entanglements, but that's an extremely rare situation. At a bare minimum, we're talking about someone who just moved out of the home they shared with the same person for a decade to essentially start a brand new life that they may not know how to constructor just yet. I don't think that's the best time to create a lifelong attachment to that person, if for no other reason than you don't know who they will be in 6 months or a year. They don't even know. Why not give it a little bit of time for the dust to settle?

No, the bolded part does not negate what I said at all. The bolded part is that my ExH is not what she encountered even though he could say the same things. The OP is making assumptions to be wary of everyone who says the marriage was over a long time ago"--in a lot of cases, that is true and she is warning others it is not. Not all men--even if true--are going to immediatey remarry.

I don't think time is a factor in dust settling. Some people need time. Some really don't because their marriage was not normal or it really had been over for years--kids really have a way of making you stay way longer than you should. That is me and my ex. It was not normal and over for years. (but neither of us want to remarry and just date so we are not like people who jump to other relationships...we did not date while separated but I think it would have been fine too because really, it as OVER so long ago it is not even funny). I did not need time for adjustment. My adjustment was done early in the marriage that I did not have a normal relationship and all romantic stuff was gone. People who divorce quickly may need time. People whose marriage was over for years really don't need any time at all. Adjustment has long been done.

Well this is just nonsense. No one is advising people to simply disbelieve anyone who says “the marriage was over a long time ago.” We are saying not to marry someone who just got divorced or is not even divorced yet. No one is worried about what someone who is smart enough to wait before remarrying is saying.

The whole premise of this thread is don’t MARRY someone who just got divorced. No one is saying divorced people can’t remarry or don’t deserve to think about their marriage and divorce however they choose.

The OP went on and on to say anyone who says the marriage is over for a long time is not truthful. I can't recall WHEN exactly she got married to someone post divorce but honestly, if someone has been divorced a year, I think they can marry one year post-divorce. Obviously, no one should marry anyone a few months from a divorce...I don't think waiting more than a year to remarry is an issue for many people. (I personally won't remarry though). The original post goes on and on about time. Time does not resolve issues on their own. Some people need time. Many don't. I needed more time after a breakup than one would think (years); I needed no time after a divorce (it was done). Most people think of a divorce for years before they pull the trigger. I think OP just had an exceptionally bad experience.

[Anonymous]

OP didn't talk about specific time at all -- if you read the post, it's entirely about the mental situation of the recently divorced person, not about specific time. She's saying that when someone seems really eager to move into another serious relationship, complains about the waiting periods for separation, and doesn't seek out therapy or other means of addressing the issues around their previous marriage and divorce, they are not ready to get married.

I would bet for some people that could take 3 months and for others it could take 3 years. It probably depends on the person and the marriage. But the point is that when people act like their first marriage is no big deal BUT they are really, really eager to jump into another one, that's probably an indication that they have unresolved feelings around their first marriage that they should really be dealing with before they get remarried.

Someone else mentioned waiting two years before remarriages. That seems excessive to me, personally, unless that person has specific issues they need to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even if it seems like the divorce is amicable and they’ve worked through their issues. Even if they say “the marriage was over a long time ago.” Even if you’re getting older and worried about infertility. Don’t do it. They are lying to you and probably also themselves.

They will say they are eager to move onto the next phase of their life, that they are ready. You bet they are! Eager to pretend that other marriage didn’t happen. They want their do over. They are deep in their feelings of failure and remorse even if they seem fine, and they need to process those feelings, preferably in therapy.

They will say things about how the law requires them to wait too long to finalize their divorce (I actually agree with them there) and so bring just-divorced is more like being divorced a while ago. Nope. I don’t care if you’ve been separated for 6 months before your divorce. You aren’t over it.

Of course they want to get married now. Of course they want to plan a wedding instead of working through their BS. Guess what— they probably want to have a baby soon too. That’s also a nice distraction! And then that kid will distract them for a few years too.

Do they like to travel? Super into activities and bars and restaurants? You bet! Anything that keeps them from thinking about this stuff sounds good. So fun! And they will tell you how glad they are to share it all with you. Which is sweet, but is also about how glad they are to not be alone. Being alone is fking terrifying to them because then they’d have to confront their demons

Which they will, eventually. And the longer they wait, the worse it is.

Don’t marry someone who just got divorced. Give it a year or two, see where things shake out. Trust me on this one.

no shit. i thought all of DCUM knew stats like 2nd/3rd marriages are 70% likely to end in divorce

[Anonymous]

Divorce should be a red flag, fresh divorce two red flags, two divorces three red flags, three divorces RUN.

[Anonymous]

Why do people think someone who failed at marriage would somehow make a good spouse?? Illogical AF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce should be a red flag, fresh divorce two red flags, two divorces three red flags, three divorces RUN.

You aren’t running after the second divorce ?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP didn't talk about specific time at all -- if you read the post, it's entirely about the mental situation of the recently divorced person, not about specific time. She's saying that when someone seems really eager to move into another serious relationship, complains about the waiting periods for separation, and doesn't seek out therapy or other means of addressing the issues around their previous marriage and divorce, they are not ready to get married.

I would bet for some people that could take 3 months and for others it could take 3 years. It probably depends on the person and the marriage. But the point is that when people act like their first marriage is no big deal BUT they are really, really eager to jump into another one, that's probably an indication that they have unresolved feelings around their first marriage that they should really be dealing with before they get remarried.

Someone else mentioned waiting two years before remarriages. That seems excessive to me, personally, unless that person has specific issues they need to deal with.

The OP literally says "wait a year or two"