Don’t marry someone who has been recently divorced

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most divorces between hetero couples are initiated by the woman. And men are much more likely to remarry quickly.

Y’all, they are feeling rejected and want to feel wanted again. It’s very basic psychology. Women don’t rush into remarriage because they find divorce itself to be self-affirming. Men NEED remarriage for their bruised egos.

Don’t do it. Find someone e who wants to be with you for you, not someone who is running away from their feelings of hurt and rejection into the arms of the first acceptable alternative. And definitely don’t have kids with with him right away! Think.

Re: the bold, please back that up with real sources and numbers. Not that I don't believe you but those are big, sweeping statements made as if they're gospel and without some form of statistics to back them up, they're just anecdotes, not facts.

Not PP, but these are easy to find because they are so commonly cited:

A 2015 study found 69% of divorces are initiated by women: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/soloish/wp/2015/08/27/why-women-are-more-likely-to-initiate-divorce/

It's hard to quantify "quickly" with regards to remarriage, but men have always been more likely to remarry than women, period: https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2014/11/14/chapter-2-the-demographics-of-remarriage/

Though the gender gap on remarriage is closing. I like to think it's closing because the stigma of being a divorced woman might be diminishing? Also maybe the increase in true joint custody agreements. When divorce became more common due to the advent of no fault divorce laws, women were much more likely to wind up with full custody of the children, and there was a huge stigma around being a divorced single mom. It definitely still exists, but there is some indication it might not be as bad as it once was. Also, since people wait longer to have kids now, there may be more divorces without kids, which could also help a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you married my ex-husband. His remarriage occurred a couple of months after the divorce was final (and we filed at one year separated). He went from marriage to online dating to re-coupling and never took a second to reflect on the demise of the long term marriage or his role in it. He convinced himself that our marriage had been over for years (it haven’t been). He quickly got his new wife pregnant and will have a minor child in his house until he’s elderly. Lately whenever I have any contact with him about our kids or finances he’s nasty- and he used to get that way when we were married when he was unhappy with his life or needed sex. I feel for his new wife but it is what it is. Broken attracts broken.

Yup. I've known several men who are eager to get onto the apps during separation as a kind of distraction from the divorce, but dang if it isn't uncanny how they meet the "love of their life" within a month and a half. Then they wait for the divorce before cohabitating (most divorce decrees actually require this), then there's a ring, and wedding, and a baby, usually all in about two years time. Hmmm, yes, what an excellent "distraction from the divorce." Listen to yourselves.

No one ever says "I'm going to date during my separation so that I can find my replacement spouse" but damn if that isn't what happens a lot of the time (for men, women generally don't want replacement husbands).

Well, go over to the thread about how supposedly men are in marriages and relationships primarily -- really, only, according to that thread -- for assured availability of sex. According to some posters there, if the sex changes, there's less of it, it's not as "good" as they want (whatever they mean by that), they are finished with the relationship. And there are men on that thread who seem to think they'll have women lined up to take the place of the wives they claimed they loved but only wanted for sex. Those are the guys out there meeting "the love of their lives" months after a divorce. They're not meeting their loves, they're meeting fresh meat.

Yes, yes, yes.

This is also why men say things like "the marriage was dead long before the divorce." What they mean is that they stopped having sex long before the divorce, likely because their wives stopped wanting to have sex. They are equating marriage and love with sex and assume that if the sex is gone, the relationship is over. Should be a pretty big red flag for anyone thinking about marrying a soon-to-be divorced man, especially if you are in your 30s or 40s, because the odds of the sex drying up in your marriage are even higher than they were in his first, due to diminishing libido with age.

[Anonymous]

^ statistically most divorces are due to adultery. “The marriage was dead. We grew apart”. Classic lines.

[Anonymous]

Gotta love all the generalizations in this thread. I started dating a friend before my divorce was final. (He was supposed to just be a FWB but it very quickly turned romantic.) BUT I was in therapy intensively to work through the trauma of my first marriage.

I just celebrated my 15th anniversary with my husband who was the friend I mentioned above. We are very happy.

[Anonymous]

I have heard that women tend to heal from a broken relationship by reflecting, and healing before moving on. Men tend to rush into dating/having sex, as a way to avoid having to deal with what just happened.

A guy at work one day approached me out of the blue one day, to confirm "you are single, right?" When I said yes, he went on, "My wife and I are having some problems. I hope that we can stay together, but if she won't agree to that, I might ask you out."

It was SO bizarre. Lining up dates while at the same time saying he hopes she does not leave him. And he was expressing all kinds of hostility towards her for wanting to find herself. Who the HELL would be attracted to that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gotta love all the generalizations in this thread. I started dating a friend before my divorce was final. (He was supposed to just be a FWB but it very quickly turned romantic.) BUT I was in therapy intensively to work through the trauma of my first marriage.

I just celebrated my 15th anniversary with my husband who was the friend I mentioned above. We are very happy.

I am glad you are happy but this is a classic "exception that proves the rule." You were in intensive therapy already, plus you already knew your future husband before you started dating. Both of those things are unusual and likely had a huge impact on helping you work through your feelings around the divorce and create a healthy bond with your second husband. Also, you don't mention when you remarried.

The point is that you should not marry someone who has not sorted through their feelings around their divorce yet, and you definitely should not provide them with the distraction they are desperately seeking to avoid sorting through their feelings around their divorce. It doesn't sound like those cautions apply to your situation at all.

[Anonymous]

For many women, especially SAHM, the financial burden of divorce is often a motivator to remarry.

[Anonymous]

I think you had a bad experience. All divorces are different.

There are many marriages where the marriage was dead a long time ago. I was in one. My marriage was basically over at 18 months in (we never should have married) and it lasted for 10 YEARS. Sexless for most of it. No cheating. We had to admit we could not live this way anymore...not even "for the kids."

In my case, the marriage was over so long ago that the divorce was a non-event. In fact, I had a breakup of a short relationship that was terrible. Completely heartbroken. The divorce was nothing.

I am a woman.

If my ExH said things you said be wary of, it would be the absolute truth. It was over long long ago and there are no issues. But he is not dumb enough to get married again (or at least not quickly).

I am sorry this happened to you, but it is not a hard and fast rule to stay away when people say these things. Sometimes it is the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you had a bad experience. All divorces are different.

There are many marriages where the marriage was dead a long time ago. I was in one. My marriage was basically over at 18 months in (we never should have married) and it lasted for 10 YEARS. Sexless for most of it. No cheating. We had to admit we could not live this way anymore...not even "for the kids."

In my case, the marriage was over so long ago that the divorce was a non-event. In fact, I had a breakup of a short relationship that was terrible. Completely heartbroken. The divorce was nothing.

I am a woman.

If my ExH said things you said be wary of, it would be the absolute truth. It was over long long ago and there are no issues. But he is not dumb enough to get married again (or at least not quickly).

I am sorry this happened to you, but it is not a hard and fast rule to stay away when people say these things. Sometimes it is the truth.

I think this negates the rest of what you are saying. You are basically in agreement with the OP, because you are saying that it would be dumb to remarry quickly after a marriage even if it "was over for a long time" and everyone seems totally fine with the divorce and it is obviously in everyone's best interest. OP isn't saying "don't marry a divorced person." She's saying, "don't marry someone who just got divorced even if they say they are over it and it was just a formality."

I really think the problem is that even if you feel you are totally over your relationship with the person you married, marriage is bigger than just that relationship. Obviously if you have kids, that makes things automatically more complicated and you need time to help your kids adjust to the new situation and also to figure out what it means to parent in this new way. That's an automatic reason to wait.

But even without kids, there are emotions around a marriage that aren't even really about the spouse. You have to figure out how to live on your own. You have to figure out how to navigate friendships and family relationships that have become used to functioning around your marriage (even if it was sexless and dysfunctional!). The weight of carrying around a a marriage that is "already over" for years and years... ten years! That is such a long time to be in a legal relationship that you don't even think should exist anymore. That is itself a thing you need to deal with.

So yeah, even when people think their divorce is just a formality and they are totally over it and they don't need time to grieve or adjust or sort through things... they usually do. I could imagine a situation where there are no kids, and the couple lived separately for years, and there were no financial or other entanglements, but that's an extremely rare situation. At a bare minimum, we're talking about someone who just moved out of the home they shared with the same person for a decade to essentially start a brand new life that they may not know how to constructor just yet. I don't think that's the best time to create a lifelong attachment to that person, if for no other reason than you don't know who they will be in 6 months or a year. They don't even know. Why not give it a little bit of time for the dust to settle?

[Anonymous]

Although I agree that what everyone is talking about occurs most of the time, I happen to have one of the exceptions.

I started dating my wife when she and her ex had been separated for almost 18 months, and had filed for divorce. Their marriage had been dead for about 3 years before she moved out. In that time, not only were they just living like roommates (the no sex part), but they were also leading mostly independent lives. They didn't see each other much as they worked, then had their own evening and weekend activities. They only saw each other a few times a week. She finally moved out and they really didn't see/talk to each other much. By the time I met her, they had been going solo for almost 5 years and really, both had moved on. The divorce took a while because they were trying to work things out with lawyers and agreeing on dividing things up and so on and it dragged on for a while. I started dating her about the same time he started dating a new girlfriend. 3 years later, they got married about 3 months before we got married. 19 years later, we have two kids and are quite happy together and stable. They are still happily married. He and I work at the same large institution (I see him about once every 5-6 years like at the cafeteria or something, but otherwise don't see each other).

In my situation, they really had both moved on by the time she moved out of the house and the 18 months while they were separated, only helped them get over the dissolution of their marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gotta love all the generalizations in this thread. I started dating a friend before my divorce was final. (He was supposed to just be a FWB but it very quickly turned romantic.) BUT I was in therapy intensively to work through the trauma of my first marriage.

I just celebrated my 15th anniversary with my husband who was the friend I mentioned above. We are very happy.

I am glad you are happy but this is a classic "exception that proves the rule." You were in intensive therapy already, plus you already knew your future husband before you started dating. Both of those things are unusual and likely had a huge impact on helping you work through your feelings around the divorce and create a healthy bond with your second husband. Also, you don't mention when you remarried.

The point is that you should not marry someone who has not sorted through their feelings around their divorce yet, and you definitely should not provide them with the distraction they are desperately seeking to avoid sorting through their feelings around their divorce. It doesn't sound like those cautions apply to your situation at all.

But people on this thread are making rules based on time--not feelings or resolving issues. Dumb things like you have to wait two years until you should even think about dating again.

I got separated in 2004, two months later I started sleeping with my now DH. My divorce was final in 2005. We got married in 2006.

[Anonymous]

Another exception here. Met my husband when he was separated, he gave me the classic, "My marraige has been over for a long time in my mind". He'd gotten married at 27 when she became pregnant and said he knew it was a mistake when he walked down the aisle. He tried for almost 10 years to make it work for the kids, but gave up. Anyway, we've been married pretty happily (other than the miserable 2 under 2 days) for over 10 years now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another exception here. Met my husband when he was separated, he gave me the classic, "My marraige has been over for a long time in my mind". He'd gotten married at 27 when she became pregnant and said he knew it was a mistake when he walked down the aisle. He tried for almost 10 years to make it work for the kids, but gave up. Anyway, we've been married pretty happily (other than the miserable 2 under 2 days) for over 10 years now.

That’s nice for you but a huge bummer for his kids who had to go through their parents divorcing when they were 10 and under, and then their dad remarrying and having two more kids almost immediately. I still think your DH was selfish in this situation, even if you personally think you have a good marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you had a bad experience. All divorces are different.

There are many marriages where the marriage was dead a long time ago. I was in one. My marriage was basically over at 18 months in (we never should have married) and it lasted for 10 YEARS. Sexless for most of it. No cheating. We had to admit we could not live this way anymore...not even "for the kids."

In my case, the marriage was over so long ago that the divorce was a non-event. In fact, I had a breakup of a short relationship that was terrible. Completely heartbroken. The divorce was nothing.

I am a woman.

If my ExH said things you said be wary of, it would be the absolute truth. It was over long long ago and there are no issues. But he is not dumb enough to get married again (or at least not quickly).

I am sorry this happened to you, but it is not a hard and fast rule to stay away when people say these things. Sometimes it is the truth.

I think this negates the rest of what you are saying. You are basically in agreement with the OP, because you are saying that it would be dumb to remarry quickly after a marriage even if it "was over for a long time" and everyone seems totally fine with the divorce and it is obviously in everyone's best interest. OP isn't saying "don't marry a divorced person." She's saying, "don't marry someone who just got divorced even if they say they are over it and it was just a formality."

I really think the problem is that even if you feel you are totally over your relationship with the person you married, marriage is bigger than just that relationship. Obviously if you have kids, that makes things automatically more complicated and you need time to help your kids adjust to the new situation and also to figure out what it means to parent in this new way. That's an automatic reason to wait.

But even without kids, there are emotions around a marriage that aren't even really about the spouse. You have to figure out how to live on your own. You have to figure out how to navigate friendships and family relationships that have become used to functioning around your marriage (even if it was sexless and dysfunctional!). The weight of carrying around a a marriage that is "already over" for years and years... ten years! That is such a long time to be in a legal relationship that you don't even think should exist anymore. That is itself a thing you need to deal with.

So yeah, even when people think their divorce is just a formality and they are totally over it and they don't need time to grieve or adjust or sort through things... they usually do. I could imagine a situation where there are no kids, and the couple lived separately for years, and there were no financial or other entanglements, but that's an extremely rare situation. At a bare minimum, we're talking about someone who just moved out of the home they shared with the same person for a decade to essentially start a brand new life that they may not know how to constructor just yet. I don't think that's the best time to create a lifelong attachment to that person, if for no other reason than you don't know who they will be in 6 months or a year. They don't even know. Why not give it a little bit of time for the dust to settle?

No, the bolded part does not negate what I said at all. The bolded part is that my ExH is not what she encountered even though he could say the same things. The OP is making assumptions to be wary of everyone who says the marriage was over a long time ago"--in a lot of cases, that is true and she is warning others it is not. Not all men--even if true--are going to immediatey remarry.

I don't think time is a factor in dust settling. Some people need time. Some really don't because their marriage was not normal or it really had been over for years--kids really have a way of making you stay way longer than you should. That is me and my ex. It was not normal and over for years. (but neither of us want to remarry and just date so we are not like people who jump to other relationships...we did not date while separated but I think it would have been fine too because really, it as OVER so long ago it is not even funny). I did not need time for adjustment. My adjustment was done early in the marriage that I did not have a normal relationship and all romantic stuff was gone. People who divorce quickly may need time. People whose marriage was over for years really don't need any time at all. Adjustment has long been done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you had a bad experience. All divorces are different.

There are many marriages where the marriage was dead a long time ago. I was in one. My marriage was basically over at 18 months in (we never should have married) and it lasted for 10 YEARS. Sexless for most of it. No cheating. We had to admit we could not live this way anymore...not even "for the kids."

In my case, the marriage was over so long ago that the divorce was a non-event. In fact, I had a breakup of a short relationship that was terrible. Completely heartbroken. The divorce was nothing.

I am a woman.

If my ExH said things you said be wary of, it would be the absolute truth. It was over long long ago and there are no issues. But he is not dumb enough to get married again (or at least not quickly).

I am sorry this happened to you, but it is not a hard and fast rule to stay away when people say these things. Sometimes it is the truth.

I think this negates the rest of what you are saying. You are basically in agreement with the OP, because you are saying that it would be dumb to remarry quickly after a marriage even if it "was over for a long time" and everyone seems totally fine with the divorce and it is obviously in everyone's best interest. OP isn't saying "don't marry a divorced person." She's saying, "don't marry someone who just got divorced even if they say they are over it and it was just a formality."

I really think the problem is that even if you feel you are totally over your relationship with the person you married, marriage is bigger than just that relationship. Obviously if you have kids, that makes things automatically more complicated and you need time to help your kids adjust to the new situation and also to figure out what it means to parent in this new way. That's an automatic reason to wait.

But even without kids, there are emotions around a marriage that aren't even really about the spouse. You have to figure out how to live on your own. You have to figure out how to navigate friendships and family relationships that have become used to functioning around your marriage (even if it was sexless and dysfunctional!). The weight of carrying around a a marriage that is "already over" for years and years... ten years! That is such a long time to be in a legal relationship that you don't even think should exist anymore. That is itself a thing you need to deal with.

So yeah, even when people think their divorce is just a formality and they are totally over it and they don't need time to grieve or adjust or sort through things... they usually do. I could imagine a situation where there are no kids, and the couple lived separately for years, and there were no financial or other entanglements, but that's an extremely rare situation. At a bare minimum, we're talking about someone who just moved out of the home they shared with the same person for a decade to essentially start a brand new life that they may not know how to constructor just yet. I don't think that's the best time to create a lifelong attachment to that person, if for no other reason than you don't know who they will be in 6 months or a year. They don't even know. Why not give it a little bit of time for the dust to settle?

No, the bolded part does not negate what I said at all. The bolded part is that my ExH is not what she encountered even though he could say the same things. The OP is making assumptions to be wary of everyone who says the marriage was over a long time ago"--in a lot of cases, that is true and she is warning others it is not. Not all men--even if true--are going to immediatey remarry.

I don't think time is a factor in dust settling. Some people need time. Some really don't because their marriage was not normal or it really had been over for years--kids really have a way of making you stay way longer than you should. That is me and my ex. It was not normal and over for years. (but neither of us want to remarry and just date so we are not like people who jump to other relationships...we did not date while separated but I think it would have been fine too because really, it as OVER so long ago it is not even funny). I did not need time for adjustment. My adjustment was done early in the marriage that I did not have a normal relationship and all romantic stuff was gone. People who divorce quickly may need time. People whose marriage was over for years really don't need any time at all. Adjustment has long been done.

PP here... I am responding to this that you wrote: You have to figure out how to live on your own. You have to figure out how to navigate friendships and family relationships that have become used to functioning around your marriage (even if it was sexless and dysfunctional!). The weight of carrying around a a marriage that is "already over" for years and years... ten years! That is such a long time to be in a legal relationship that you don't even think should exist anymore. That is itself a thing you need to deal with.

Um, no. Living alone is not hard. Stop with the assumptions. Also, we lived pretty much separately in a house as soon as we were married. No adjustment. Friends? No adjustment. We kept our own. We never had couple friends. We have kids and we never had couple friends. Too busy with work and kids. No socializing. Family? Um, no adjustment. We live far away from them. Stop making assumptions about what other people go through. Literally all of my breakups were harder than a divorce. There was literally no emotional adjustment. At all. Logistical adjustment? Yes, but that is it.