Travel soccer drama - how to smooth over between kids
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Anonymous
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My son is 12 and is on a travel soccer team. At one of the last games of the season, which was between two teams in our same club, my husband stated that he disagreed with an offsides call that the ref made. One of the parents of a player on the other team, who my son was friends with from school and our local park (but not outside school, except when they ran into each other at the park), overheard came over screaming in rage and threatened my husband. My husband just didn't respond, and another parent told the guy to calm down and get away from us.
That's all over with, but now my son refuses to even acknowledge the kid when he sees him. I have explained, as has my husband, that the incident was not the kid's fault, and he can't be held accountable for his dad. I think a basic saying hello and acknowleding the kid's existance is appropriate, and that the kids don't need to avoid each other if they are in a group with others. I feel like my son is behaving unreasonably and being a jerk, but he is 12, I am not always with him, and I can't really think of a way that I can make him change his behavior. Thoughts? Suggestions? |
Anonymous
| Let the kids sort it out. Maybe your son is a bit frightened by what he saw from the other dad. |
Anonymous
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Yes, your son is acting like a jerk. But what are you going to do he observed the other dad acting like a jerk. Parents in general in these youth sports environments act like jerks and the kids absorb it. (I have kids doing it myself and it's one of the things I really dislike about it.)
I would just strongly tell him he is in the wrong by not acknowledging the kid. And then all you can do is hope it sinks in. |
Anonymous
| Your son is being loyal to his dad. What’s wrong with that? |
Anonymous
| Your husband “stated” that he disagreed with the ref call, but he “stated” it so loudly that someone from the other team heard and came running over? |
Anonymous
| Remind DS that the poor kid has a dad who overreacts and embarrasses himself. The other kid deserves compassion for what he has to live with. I’m sure you saw a tiny snippet of the dad’s bad behavior. The other kids probably needs more friends, not less. I feel bad for the poor kid, which might be a more helpful emotion for you DS to channel if he doesn’t want to be a jerk. |
Anonymous
| Yes, your sons behavior isn’t demonstrating much empathy for the likely embarrassed kid but completely normal for a 12 year old. Have you tried the old “if dad did something horribly embarrassing like that (say booed at the school play) how would you want larlo to treat you?” |
Anonymous
Ha. This was my exact reaction. Keep in mind this is outdoors too so your DH "stated" it loudly for sure. Tell your husband to shut up at the games as a first step. |
Anonymous
This was my thought too. Hear me out, take YOUR emotion out of it, and look at it from a different perspective... Your son also may have a little shame associated with the incident / lost a little respect for your husband, because in your son's eyes, he didn't stick up for himself to the other dad and his dad needed another father to stand up for him. He may look at it like this boys father emasculated his dad, and seeing this boy may be a reminder of how he felt when that happened. Don't get me wrong, your husband 1000% did the right thing by not responding -- there's no reasoning with a hot head when they're enraged, as nothing good can come from that. Not saying anything automatically diffused the tension. However, this may not be how your son perceived the incident and was embarrassed that his dad got screamed at and just stood there and took it. Boys from the other team could use that as ammunition to make fun of his dad. Some boys at that age are all about "owning" someone else, and your son may perceive that his dad got owned. Ugh, testosterone This may be an unpopular theory, but none the less you may have to consider it... |
Anonymous
OP's kid knows that. He has a Dad who questions the ref loudly enough to be heard on the opposite sidelines. |
Anonymous
Or yelled at the ref? |
Anonymous
| Parents and kids all have jerk moments. Explain this to your kid, remind him that he wouldn’t want to be judged by your worst moment then let it go. |
Anonymous
This is true. Also, he can’t “unknow” that his friend’s dad is a psycho. What if he freaks out about trash talking over a game of checkers or driveway basketball? He’s protecting himself by not interacting with the family with the raging dad. Honestly, there are worse things. And one last thing to keep in mind. You’re expecting your 12 year old to be more mature and have better social skills than a grown man. On top of that you’re expecting him to take a huge physical risk to himself just to maintain a relationship with an acquaintance. That’s asking ALOT. |
Anonymous
Unbelievable to me that people would focus on this, but perhaps not surprising on this site. Yes, OP's husband should not have stated it loud enough for someone else to hear, but that seems like FAR less of a psycho thing to do than threatening another parent. |
Anonymous
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How do you know your kid is not speaking to the other kid? Have you witnessed it? Has he told you?
Have you asked if something else happened? Maybe this other kid said something (unkind, at the least) to your kid about the incident and DS's reaction is to that rather than the dads' behavior at the game. And yes, this whole situation would have been avoided had your DH kept quiet. It took my DH about 10 years to learn to quiet down at games, just in time for our kids to be done playing. Regardless of the rest of the situation, your kid does NOT want to hear his dad complaining from the sidelines. |