Reasonable Expectations on Curfew/transportation/planning for rising freshman?

[Anonymous]

My 14yo DD is a rising freshman. This summer she has started going out more frequently with friends, spontaneously and with little planning, often at night. I generally support her independence, she has proven herself to be a mature and trustworthy kid, but the loosey-goosey uncertainty of things is new to me, and I'm not sure how to handle. Could use some advice. A couple questions:

1. If she is in the safe residential neighborhood, within say .5 of a mile, at a friends' house at night and she is walking home alone, what time should she be back?
2. If she is somewhere that she'll need a ride from me on a weeknight, how late should I let her stay out? (Generally, I would be in bed by 9:30)
3. If she is getting a ride home from a friend's parents, how much wiggle room should there be in the time she gets home? (We've had multiple instances where Larla's mom is going to pick them up at 10:00, but (the story goes) she doesn't show up until 10:30/10:45. I can't hold my DD accountable for another adult's punctuality, right?
4. She is at a sleepover at a friend's house and they all decide to go out and roam the neighborhood at midnight (GPS tracking on her phone). OK or no?

Basically, I'm just asking on how to set my expectations and hers, so we avoid every situation being handled as a one-off. For example, she was at a friend's house tonight and was going to walk home by X time. She calls and says that a parent can pick her up at X+15 minutes so she doesn't have to walk. That time comes and goes and she is still there. Parent hasn't shown up yet. I drive to get her.

I trust my kid. Maybe I just need to adjust to more freedom for her and realize I need to be more flexible....

[Anonymous]

1. Yes
2. 9:30
3. Can’t hold your kid accountable but I would volunteer to pick them up.
4. No f-ing way. You stay at the friend’s house. No roaming whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Yes
2. 9:30
3. Can’t hold your kid accountable but I would volunteer to pick them up.
4. No f-ing way. You stay at the friend’s house. No roaming whatsoever.

Thanks. Are you saying 9:30 b/c I said that was when I go to sleep, or is it independent of that? What would you say for a weekend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Yes
2. 9:30
3. Can’t hold your kid accountable but I would volunteer to pick them up.
4. No f-ing way. You stay at the friend’s house. No roaming whatsoever.

Thanks. Are you saying 9:30 b/c I said that was when I go to sleep, or is it independent of that? What would you say for a weekend?

10 regularly or 11 for special occasion or concert/sporting event.

But make it comfortable for you, too. A kid who comes home at ten won’t have you to bed until 11. Mine always wants to tell me everything and eat.

[Anonymous]

At 14, I would say home by 9. Unless it is late show or event she attending, I can’t see any reason someone that isn’t driving is out past then.

Always pick her up yourself.

Hard no to the neighborhood roaming at midnight while at a sleepover. I’d be in touch with the other parent about this happening. Parents were likely fast asleep.

[Anonymous]

I am dealing with the same sort of issues. This is my third child, but my first two didn't stay out until they could drive so I was lucky to avoid this stage. Here is where I come down on things:

1. If she is in the safe residential neighborhood, within say .5 of a mile, at a friends' house at night and she is walking home alone, what time should she be back? It's summertime. By dark. I can give a little leeway, but does my daughter really need to be walking home after 9 pm? I think not.
2. If she is somewhere that she'll need a ride from me on a weeknight, how late should I let her stay out? (Generally, I would be in bed by 9:30). By my bedtime. Everyone owes everyone else consideration. I am happy to pick up and drop off my kids, but I have a real job that pays for our real lifestyle.
3. If she is getting a ride home from a friend's parents, how much wiggle room should there be in the time she gets home? (We've had multiple instances where Larla's mom is going to pick them up at 10:00, but (the story goes) she doesn't show up until 10:30/10:45. I can't hold my DD accountable for another adult's punctuality, right? You have no say and you can't hold her responsible at all. You can either pick her up or agree to another family dropping her off and that is the end of your choices.
4. She is at a sleepover at a friend's house and they all decide to go out and roam the neighborhood at midnight (GPS tracking on her phone). OK or no? At a sleepover, it's up to the parents. Your decision is whether you trust their judgment and allow her to attend. Honestly, if they are not getting in trouble and are in a group in a safe neighborhood, sounds like some harmless fun.

I am grappling with these issues living in a summer vacation community. It's never quiet here, but it's safe. Any my DD is not walking but driving a golf cart. These are my limits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am dealing with the same sort of issues. This is my third child, but my first two didn't stay out until they could drive so I was lucky to avoid this stage. Here is where I come down on things:

1. If she is in the safe residential neighborhood, within say .5 of a mile, at a friends' house at night and she is walking home alone, what time should she be back? It's summertime. By dark. I can give a little leeway, but does my daughter really need to be walking home after 9 pm? I think not.
2. If she is somewhere that she'll need a ride from me on a weeknight, how late should I let her stay out? (Generally, I would be in bed by 9:30). By my bedtime. Everyone owes everyone else consideration. I am happy to pick up and drop off my kids, but I have a real job that pays for our real lifestyle.
3. If she is getting a ride home from a friend's parents, how much wiggle room should there be in the time she gets home? (We've had multiple instances where Larla's mom is going to pick them up at 10:00, but (the story goes) she doesn't show up until 10:30/10:45. I can't hold my DD accountable for another adult's punctuality, right? You have no say and you can't hold her responsible at all. You can either pick her up or agree to another family dropping her off and that is the end of your choices.
4. She is at a sleepover at a friend's house and they all decide to go out and roam the neighborhood at midnight (GPS tracking on her phone). OK or no? At a sleepover, it's up to the parents. Your decision is whether you trust their judgment and allow her to attend. Honestly, if they are not getting in trouble and are in a group in a safe neighborhood, sounds like some harmless fun.

I am grappling with these issues living in a summer vacation community. It's never quiet here, but it's safe. Any my DD is not walking but driving a golf cart. These are my limits.

Appreciate this! Thank you.

On the 9:00 suggestion, one thing I struggle with is how I really want her spending her time. If she is home by 9:00, she isn't sleeping. She is in her room on her phone, or watching television, or if I'm really lucky reading a book until 11:00 or later. I would actually rather her be chatting with friends or playing games or whatever for that time. Something feels wrong about requiring her to be home to do that instead of encouraging the social interaction.

This is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am dealing with the same sort of issues. This is my third child, but my first two didn't stay out until they could drive so I was lucky to avoid this stage. Here is where I come down on things:

1. If she is in the safe residential neighborhood, within say .5 of a mile, at a friends' house at night and she is walking home alone, what time should she be back? It's summertime. By dark. I can give a little leeway, but does my daughter really need to be walking home after 9 pm? I think not.
2. If she is somewhere that she'll need a ride from me on a weeknight, how late should I let her stay out? (Generally, I would be in bed by 9:30). By my bedtime. Everyone owes everyone else consideration. I am happy to pick up and drop off my kids, but I have a real job that pays for our real lifestyle.
3. If she is getting a ride home from a friend's parents, how much wiggle room should there be in the time she gets home? (We've had multiple instances where Larla's mom is going to pick them up at 10:00, but (the story goes) she doesn't show up until 10:30/10:45. I can't hold my DD accountable for another adult's punctuality, right? You have no say and you can't hold her responsible at all. You can either pick her up or agree to another family dropping her off and that is the end of your choices.
4. She is at a sleepover at a friend's house and they all decide to go out and roam the neighborhood at midnight (GPS tracking on her phone). OK or no? At a sleepover, it's up to the parents. Your decision is whether you trust their judgment and allow her to attend. Honestly, if they are not getting in trouble and are in a group in a safe neighborhood, sounds like some harmless fun.

I am grappling with these issues living in a summer vacation community. It's never quiet here, but it's safe. Any my DD is not walking but driving a golf cart. These are my limits.

Appreciate this! Thank you.

On the 9:00 suggestion, one thing I struggle with is how I really want her spending her time. If she is home by 9:00, she isn't sleeping. She is in her room on her phone, or watching television, or if I'm really lucky reading a book until 11:00 or later. I would actually rather her be chatting with friends or playing games or whatever for that time. Something feels wrong about requiring her to be home to do that instead of encouraging the social interaction.

This is hard.

I struggle with this too but for a different reason. When I was growing up, my parents instilled a fear of the dark and all things unreasonable in me. I recognize it and want to be sure I don't do that to my daughter. I feel like 9 is ok because I also go to bed sort of early and I don't want to monitor her getting home after that. Every night before bed, we agree on a bedtime for her and she and her friends chat online until then. We also do a lot of sleepovers at our house. And, I try to plan evening activities for us a few times a week even if it is only going to the gym together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am dealing with the same sort of issues. This is my third child, but my first two didn't stay out until they could drive so I was lucky to avoid this stage. Here is where I come down on things:

1. If she is in the safe residential neighborhood, within say .5 of a mile, at a friends' house at night and she is walking home alone, what time should she be back? It's summertime. By dark. I can give a little leeway, but does my daughter really need to be walking home after 9 pm? I think not.
2. If she is somewhere that she'll need a ride from me on a weeknight, how late should I let her stay out? (Generally, I would be in bed by 9:30). By my bedtime. Everyone owes everyone else consideration. I am happy to pick up and drop off my kids, but I have a real job that pays for our real lifestyle.
3. If she is getting a ride home from a friend's parents, how much wiggle room should there be in the time she gets home? (We've had multiple instances where Larla's mom is going to pick them up at 10:00, but (the story goes) she doesn't show up until 10:30/10:45. I can't hold my DD accountable for another adult's punctuality, right? You have no say and you can't hold her responsible at all. You can either pick her up or agree to another family dropping her off and that is the end of your choices.
4. She is at a sleepover at a friend's house and they all decide to go out and roam the neighborhood at midnight (GPS tracking on her phone). OK or no? At a sleepover, it's up to the parents. Your decision is whether you trust their judgment and allow her to attend. Honestly, if they are not getting in trouble and are in a group in a safe neighborhood, sounds like some harmless fun.

I am grappling with these issues living in a summer vacation community. It's never quiet here, but it's safe. Any my DD is not walking but driving a golf cart. These are my limits.

Appreciate this! Thank you.

On the 9:00 suggestion, one thing I struggle with is how I really want her spending her time. If she is home by 9:00, she isn't sleeping. She is in her room on her phone, or watching television, or if I'm really lucky reading a book until 11:00 or later. I would actually rather her be chatting with friends or playing games or whatever for that time. Something feels wrong about requiring her to be home to do that instead of encouraging the social interaction.

This is hard.

I struggle with this too but for a different reason. When I was growing up, my parents instilled a fear of the dark and all things unreasonable in me. I recognize it and want to be sure I don't do that to my daughter. I feel like 9 is ok because I also go to bed sort of early and I don't want to monitor her getting home after that. Every night before bed, we agree on a bedtime for her and she and her friends chat online until then. We also do a lot of sleepovers at our house. And, I try to plan evening activities for us a few times a week even if it is only going to the gym together.

Thanks! So much of this resonates. I am beginning to realize that I have difficulty sleeping when I know she is still out and is expected home. What is weird is that I have never had a similar issue when she is out on sleepovers, or even the multiple times she has gone away to sleepaway camp, etc.

And on the bolded. I would LOVE for our house to be where they hang out. I've done what I can to set up a good environment for that and it does happen sometimes, but I also understand that from my DD's perspective, part of establishing that independence is not being under her own roof...

[Anonymous]

1. If she is in the safe residential neighborhood, within say .5 of a mile, at a friends' house at night and she is walking home alone, what time should she be back? It's not about having a curfew. It's about knowing how long it should take her to get home from wherever she is, and exactly what time she leaves where she is to set out towards home. The issue is safety.

2. If she is somewhere that she'll need a ride from me on a weeknight, how late should I let her stay out? (Generally, I would be in bed by 9:30) To be honest, I gave my kids until 11pm in 9th and 10th grade. Keep in mind their bodies are more "awake" at night.

3. If she is getting a ride home from a friend's parents, how much wiggle room should there be in the time she gets home? (We've had multiple instances where Larla's mom is going to pick them up at 10:00, but (the story goes) she doesn't show up until 10:30/10:45. I can't hold my DD accountable for another adult's punctuality, right? What we did was to not allow that parent to pick my kids up after they didn't show up on time. I don't want my kids hanging out, outside a diner for 45 minutes late at night waiting for someone's mom. After that happens once, DH or I volunteer to pick up the kids.

4. She is at a sleepover at a friend's house and they all decide to go out and roam the neighborhood at midnight (GPS tracking on her phone). OK or no? Absolutely not. If you get permission to go to a friend's house, you have permission to be AT THAT FRIEND'S HOUSE. If the kids want to go somewhere else, MY kids need to get permission.

We're strict about knowing where our kids are and not putting them in potentially unsafe situations (walking home alone at night, waiting around at night for an adult to pick them up, etc.). The older ones have turned out to be very reliable, so it seems to be working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is hard.

I agree, this is hard! I’m struggling with this with my rising senior. One of my friends mentioned a rule for curfew: 9th grade is 9pm, 10th grade is 10pm, 11th grade is 11pm, and 12th is midnight. Of course my child keeps pushing me on this and there are nights when she is home at 12:30am. I can’t fall asleep unless she is home so I find it exhausting. Like you, I do love that she is out having fun and socializing especially after the last year stuck indoors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. If she is in the safe residential neighborhood, within say .5 of a mile, at a friends' house at night and she is walking home alone, what time should she be back? It's not about having a curfew. It's about knowing how long it should take her to get home from wherever she is, and exactly what time she leaves where she is to set out towards home. The issue is safety.

2. If she is somewhere that she'll need a ride from me on a weeknight, how late should I let her stay out? (Generally, I would be in bed by 9:30) To be honest, I gave my kids until 11pm in 9th and 10th grade. Keep in mind their bodies are more "awake" at night.

3. If she is getting a ride home from a friend's parents, how much wiggle room should there be in the time she gets home? (We've had multiple instances where Larla's mom is going to pick them up at 10:00, but (the story goes) she doesn't show up until 10:30/10:45. I can't hold my DD accountable for another adult's punctuality, right? What we did was to not allow that parent to pick my kids up after they didn't show up on time. I don't want my kids hanging out, outside a diner for 45 minutes late at night waiting for someone's mom. After that happens once, DH or I volunteer to pick up the kids.

4. She is at a sleepover at a friend's house and they all decide to go out and roam the neighborhood at midnight (GPS tracking on her phone). OK or no? Absolutely not. If you get permission to go to a friend's house, you have permission to be AT THAT FRIEND'S HOUSE. If the kids want to go somewhere else, MY kids need to get permission.

We're strict about knowing where our kids are and not putting them in potentially unsafe situations (walking home alone at night, waiting around at night for an adult to pick them up, etc.). The older ones have turned out to be very reliable, so it seems to be working.

Thanks. I like your approach. One question about the bolded- Let's assume she asks my permission, either blanket or on a case-by-case. What then? On the one head: why the heck would a kid need to leave the house? On the other hand: I have fond memories of hanging out with friends on the jungle gym at the local playground at what felt like the middle of the night. Something about it felt special and mature, and maybe a bit rebellious. We weren't otherwise getting into trouble, and we were chatting under the stars.....

[Anonymous]

See if you can find a few like minded parents in her group and ask them to all agree to a curfew time. It really helps if EVERYONE has to be home by 11.

[Anonymous]

Set different curfews for different nights of the week. Now is the period in which I just accept that I’m going to have to stay up later some nights to go collect my kid. No way I would force a high schooler to be home by 9:30 every night of the week. 10:30 or 11:00 on the weekends is much more reasonable.

[Anonymous]

PP (but different one) here,

1. If she is in the safe residential neighborhood, within say .5 of a mile, at a friends' house at night and she is walking home alone, what time should she be back? It's not about having a curfew. It's about knowing how long it should take her to get home from wherever she is, and exactly what time she leaves where she is to set out towards home. The issue is safety.

This poster is wise talking about what matters. I spent the past few decades working in a field where I see a lot of teens who have been in catastrophic accidents. A common denominator is this. They had a curfew and they left for home late then rushed to get there on time. The real key for me is conveying the time they need to leave and making sure they understand that they need to get home safely and I am not concerned with how long that takes.

4. She is at a sleepover at a friend's house and they all decide to go out and roam the neighborhood at midnight (GPS tracking on her phone). OK or no? Absolutely not. If you get permission to go to a friend's house, you have permission to be AT THAT FRIEND'S HOUSE. If the kids want to go somewhere else, MY kids need to get permission.

This is a tough one. I think it is presumptuous to set rules in someone else's house. But, I think it's ok to agree to the sleepover with the condition that they cannot leave the house. Then if the other parent isn't onboard, they can decide your daughter shouldn't be included. I am not a fan of sleepovers at other people's houses because of this sort of issue. But, on the other hand, I allow kids who sleepover to go out skateboarding or hoverboarding after dark when they are at my house and no one has ever thought this was a problem. (For the most part I don't live in the DMV anymore and the community we are in is a fun place for that sort of activity).