Just curious about people's take on something

[Anonymous]

I live in a very close-knit neighborhood. Five years ago, a woman in my neighborhood lost her spouse. Everyone in the neighborhood was very supportive, including me. I brought meals, organized a gift-card drive for takeout from her favorite places, babysat her children, did all I could to be supportive and continued to be over the years. I would not call her a friend -- but a neighbor/acquaintance/kids same age in school. She continues to be very vocal on social media and in person about the loss, and everyone continues to try to support her.

Earlier in the summer, my father passed suddenly. He lived with my family and was well-known in our neighborhood because he walked our dogs daily, picked up at school. Again, the community rallied -- except I heard nothing from this neighbor, not even a text or an "I'm sorry," though she was aware of the loss because an email went out in our school community. Then, this morning, I got a text from her asking me to bring her daughter to ballet classes (my kid is also in it) this summer because she has a conflict. In the text, there was no mention of my loss, just how she really could use my help because she is so busy.

I have yet to reply but am not eager to go out of my way. Is this petty? If it were you, how might you respond?

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry about your dad. See the recent past threads about how to say no to summer camp carpools and borrow a line from there. That’s it. Too much to try to bring up tit for tat, and presumably that’s not why you helped her at the time.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry for your loss.

It is not petty. Her kids activities are not your problem. I would reply indicating that you won’t be able to help with transportation. If you want to throw in that recently losing your dad has really impacted your family’s lives and you can’t commit to any outside responsibilities, you can. Otherwise just say no.

I’m sorry fir this woman’s loss, but 5 she’s rude.

[Anonymous]

You are right to be hurt. I would deflect and say sorry you’re unable to help because you’re coming from somewhere else so can’t pick up Larla / going somewhere after ballet so can’t take larla home etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry for your loss.

It is not petty. Her kids activities are not your problem. I would reply indicating that you won’t be able to help with transportation. If you want to throw in that recently losing your dad has really impacted your family’s lives and you can’t commit to any outside responsibilities, you can. Otherwise just say no.

I’m sorry fir this woman’s loss, but 5 she’s rude.

+1

[Anonymous]

It’s possible that she missed the email from school - I know a lot of people who had email fatigue by the end of the year and just stopped reading the class or school newsletters.
But regardless that doesn’t mean you need to keep helping her.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible she doesn't know? She may have dropped out or stopped reading any kind of social media or emails from the community because it was too hard so possibly is unaware.

For some people, trying to express grief after a profound loss is very difficult and they become overwhelmed and then worry they will overwhelm the griever if that makes sense. If that is the case, it doesn't make you feel any better about it of course and yes you are still hurt but if might give perspective on why she didn't reach out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry for your loss.

It is not petty. Her kids activities are not your problem. I would reply indicating that you won’t be able to help with transportation. If you want to throw in that recently losing your dad has really impacted your family’s lives and you can’t commit to any outside responsibilities, you can. Otherwise just say no.

I’m sorry fir this woman’s loss, but 5 she’s rude.

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

Some people are takers. My sister is one. She feels entitled to any support she gets and sees no reason why she should do these things for others. With takers you have to have firm boundaries and realize any generosity you show will not be appreciated or reciprocated. "No that won't work with me. With the recent loss of my dad, I cannot take on anymore." If she does not even apologize and say she is so sorry for the loss and should not have asked, then you know she is just self-centered.

Also, word of caution. You said you organized the gift card drive. Did you pressure people and put them on the spot or did you leave it open ended and easy to decline? The people who use any pressure tactics reap what they sew. Some people prefer to give a meal. Some will drive a kid. Not everyone wants to do everything when they have their own major life stressors it is never OK to take advantage of others so you can seem like the generous organizer.

[Anonymous]

So sorry for your loss. She may just be a self-centered person even though she experienced a terrible loss. My MIL is like this. Her husband (dh’s dad) died when dh and his sibling were in college. This was almost over 30 years ago. MIL still thinks her loss is worse than anyone else’s and sometimes doesn’t express sympathy. When neighbors on her street tragically lost their child, it barely registered with her. She said at least they have each other. Op, your neighbor may be like my MIL. She really has no friends and your neighbor may end up like that. Unless your neighbor is really a nice person and just innocently missed the emails and meal train requests. Regardless, either way you don’t need to go out of your way for her.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry for your loss, OP.

You are assuming that she saw the email. You are under no obligation to take her DD to ballet, so you can just say no.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry about the passing of your dad.

As for this situation, this would chap my hide. I would probably take the kid if they are literally going to the same place at the same time, but I would not go out of my way.

[Anonymous]

Who the F knows? She may be unaware, she could be unsure how to broach your loss (I mean it seems pretty uncouth to mention via text, maybe she was waiting for in person), maybe she is self centered.

You do seem a bit much though. You don’t earn chits against the woman just because you organized a meal train. I would assume you did it as a good generous person, and good generous person thinks the best of people’s intentions, which you are not doing.

Also, to be frank as someone who lost both parents. You lost your elderly dad, which is expected and normal. It sounds like this woman lost her husband way way young (if she has kids who still need rides, unless she married a geriatric?). So her loss is much more debilitating and unexpected, and honesty is probably past of why she is so desperate for a freaking carpool which you seem to want to snub her about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who the F knows? She may be unaware, she could be unsure how to broach your loss (I mean it seems pretty uncouth to mention via text, maybe she was waiting for in person), maybe she is self centered.

You do seem a bit much though. You don’t earn chits against the woman just because you organized a meal train. I would assume you did it as a good generous person, and good generous person thinks the best of people’s intentions, which you are not doing.

Also, to be frank as someone who lost both parents. You lost your elderly dad, which is expected and normal. It sounds like this woman lost her husband way way young (if she has kids who still need rides, unless she married a geriatric?). So her loss is much more debilitating and unexpected, and honesty is probably past of why she is so desperate for a freaking carpool which you seem to want to snub her about.

Her loss is much more debilitating? She's desperate for a carpool?

Are you OP's neighbor? Because if you aren't, you are really reading a LOT into this story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who the F knows? She may be unaware, she could be unsure how to broach your loss (I mean it seems pretty uncouth to mention via text, maybe she was waiting for in person), maybe she is self centered.

You do seem a bit much though. You don’t earn chits against the woman just because you organized a meal train. I would assume you did it as a good generous person, and good generous person thinks the best of people’s intentions, which you are not doing.

Also, to be frank as someone who lost both parents. You lost your elderly dad, which is expected and normal. It sounds like this woman lost her husband way way young (if she has kids who still need rides, unless she married a geriatric?). So her loss is much more debilitating and unexpected, and honesty is probably past of why she is so desperate for a freaking carpool which you seem to want to snub her about.

Her loss is much more debilitating? She's desperate for a carpool?

Are you OP's neighbor? Because if you aren't, you are really reading a LOT into this story.

Please enlighten me. She lost her spouse a few years back, which removes a PARENT from her household. I assume it was young since the kids are young. I definitely need my spouse to make our household work, sharing pickup, drop off, childcare, etc.

She asked Op to give her ride to a ballet class both their daughters are in, hence the carpool reference. What am I missing? It’s no skin off Op back to pick up the neighbors kids on the way to their daughters class.