Just curious about people's take on something

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you say that right now you are overwhelmed after the loss of your dad so can't help out with her daughter?

PP. Yes to above. Mention to this person that, “you may not know, but my dad died last week and I’m in the midst of (funeral plans and travel arrangements, family issues”) details.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

+1 that she might not know--maybe she missed the email.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people are takers. My sister is one. She feels entitled to any support she gets and sees no reason why she should do these things for others. With takers you have to have firm boundaries and realize any generosity you show will not be appreciated or reciprocated. "No that won't work with me. With the recent loss of my dad, I cannot take on anymore." If she does not even apologize and say she is so sorry for the loss and should not have asked, then you know she is just self-centered.

Also, word of caution. You said you organized the gift card drive. Did you pressure people and put them on the spot or did you leave it open ended and easy to decline? The people who use any pressure tactics reap what they sew. Some people prefer to give a meal. Some will drive a kid. Not everyone wants to do everything when they have their own major life stressors it is never OK to take advantage of others so you can seem like the generous organizer.

DP. Why are you asking this? People organize fundraisers for specific things all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people are takers. My sister is one. She feels entitled to any support she gets and sees no reason why she should do these things for others. With takers you have to have firm boundaries and realize any generosity you show will not be appreciated or reciprocated. "No that won't work with me. With the recent loss of my dad, I cannot take on anymore." If she does not even apologize and say she is so sorry for the loss and should not have asked, then you know she is just self-centered.

Also, word of caution. You said you organized the gift card drive. Did you pressure people and put them on the spot or did you leave it open ended and easy to decline? The people who use any pressure tactics reap what they sew. Some people prefer to give a meal. Some will drive a kid. Not everyone wants to do everything when they have their own major life stressors it is never OK to take advantage of others so you can seem like the generous organizer.

DP. Why are you asking this? People organize fundraisers for specific things all the time.

I don't mean that it's okay to pressure--just wondering why OP's post led to this concern.

[Anonymous]

Just say "Sorry, that won't work for us this summer, but Paige will definitely look forward to seeing Katelyn at ballet!"

NEVER give a reason why you're saying no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people are takers. My sister is one. She feels entitled to any support she gets and sees no reason why she should do these things for others. With takers you have to have firm boundaries and realize any generosity you show will not be appreciated or reciprocated. "No that won't work with me. With the recent loss of my dad, I cannot take on anymore." If she does not even apologize and say she is so sorry for the loss and should not have asked, then you know she is just self-centered.

Also, word of caution. You said you organized the gift card drive. Did you pressure people and put them on the spot or did you leave it open ended and easy to decline? The people who use any pressure tactics reap what they sew. Some people prefer to give a meal. Some will drive a kid. Not everyone wants to do everything when they have their own major life stressors it is never OK to take advantage of others so you can seem like the generous organizer.

DP. Why are you asking this? People organize fundraisers for specific things all the time.

I don't mean that it's okay to pressure--just wondering why OP's post led to this concern.

I found that odd too. PP is nit-picking for no reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who the F knows? She may be unaware, she could be unsure how to broach your loss (I mean it seems pretty uncouth to mention via text, maybe she was waiting for in person), maybe she is self centered.

You do seem a bit much though. You don’t earn chits against the woman just because you organized a meal train. I would assume you did it as a good generous person, and good generous person thinks the best of people’s intentions, which you are not doing.

Also, to be frank as someone who lost both parents. You lost your elderly dad, which is expected and normal. It sounds like this woman lost her husband way way young (if she has kids who still need rides, unless she married a geriatric?). So her loss is much more debilitating and unexpected, and honesty is probably past of why she is so desperate for a freaking carpool which you seem to want to snub her about.

I think this response is HARSH. I don't agree with engaging in a tit-for-tat, but I totally get OP feeling hurt by the lack of a response. Okay, maybe it's a different "kind" of loss, but that's not really the issue. The issue is that efforts were made on OP's part (and other that of other neighbors, as well) to be a supportive community, help with the kids, etc. The recipient made NO such efforts at the loss of OP's father, which other neighbors are aware of and provided support for. Maybe OP should give the benefit of the doubt here, because quite honestly, it does sound like this neighbor is a TAKER and probably isn't keeping her finger on the pulse of what's happening with her neighbors. I think OP is well within her rights to draw the line here and say "nope, can't do a ballet carpool" and quietly feel hurt at the neighbor's lack of response. And just a reminder here, while the loss of a young spouse would definitely be debilitating, this loss happened FIVE years ago. I can see the neighbors pitching in occasionally to help out a now single parent with carpool here and there, but this sounds to me like the recipient is taking advantage a bit.

Again, OP has no idea if neighbor even knows. It sounds the only announcement was a school email? GMAFB. I’m sure the widow spends her evenings perusing the school correspondence for these nuggets, nothing better to do as a single mom of young kids.

Again, OP is stuffing a ride to the daughter of a young WIDOW because she for pettiness.

Tight-knit neighborhood, social media, etc...word gets out.

I really doubt this, grand parents die ALL THE TIME. I think I have heard of it maybe once? I mean it seems really weird to be in a school announcement honestly.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. It is very hard to lose a beloved parent.

For this poster, maybe you missed the part where OP said her father lived with them, was well-known in the community, and did pick-ups at school. This grandparent was well-known and obviously a big part of OP's household. I fail to see how grabdparents dying "all the time" negates this loss.

OP, who knows why she hasn't said anything or expressed condolences. Could be any number of reasons. But I agree with the poster that said you are entitled tp decline to do a favor, regardless of whether you're grieving or whether or not someone has hurt your feelings. It's nice to be helpful, but I wouldn't go out of my way now if it isn't convenient.

Wishing strength to you as you grieve your father.

Omg, he was AT PICKUP!! He’s almost like the school principal. Did you see he also WALKED THE DOG. Just because OPs dad happened to be puttering around the community, there is almost zero chance he was “well-known” unless your school is like 20 people. And even then, a notice in school communication is really weird, unless he worked at the school or was a key volunteer which OP did not allude to. As well as the very obvious likelihood that her neighbor just was not aware of that news.

Now, the key question for me, does Op ever have favors from her neighbor over the years? Has she ever driven for ballet or soccer or what not? If she has not, THAT is a valid reason to shut down her request. But this ginned up perceived sleight where you are holding court over a young widow with children? Petty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live in a very close-knit neighborhood. Five years ago, a woman in my neighborhood lost her spouse. Everyone in the neighborhood was very supportive, including me. I brought meals, organized a gift-card drive for takeout from her favorite places, babysat her children, did all I could to be supportive and continued to be over the years. I would not call her a friend -- but a neighbor/acquaintance/kids same age in school. She continues to be very vocal on social media and in person about the loss, and everyone continues to try to support her.

Earlier in the summer, my father passed suddenly. He lived with my family and was well-known in our neighborhood because he walked our dogs daily, picked up at school. Again, the community rallied -- except I heard nothing from this neighbor, not even a text or an "I'm sorry," though she was aware of the loss because an email went out in our school community. Then, this morning, I got a text from her asking me to bring her daughter to ballet classes (my kid is also in it) this summer because she has a conflict. In the text, there was no mention of my loss, just how she really could use my help because she is so busy.

I have yet to reply but am not eager to go out of my way. Is this petty? If it were you, how might you respond?

OP, this nearly identical dynamic played out once in my life, too. I can't tell you how to respond, how to feel. What I can tell you is that in my case, I ghosted the neighbor/friend and never spoke to them again. The lack of acknowledgement for what happened to me -- and in my case, she definitely had heard the news -- set off a fury in me that I figured was a grief reaction and would pass ... but it didn't. Unless others have had this sort of lack of acknowledgement happen to them during a major life event/trauma, it's hard to explain what a shock it is to be treated that way by someone who you considered a friend and someone who you've supported in the past. I lost any respect I'd ever had for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who the F knows? She may be unaware, she could be unsure how to broach your loss (I mean it seems pretty uncouth to mention via text, maybe she was waiting for in person), maybe she is self centered.

You do seem a bit much though. You don’t earn chits against the woman just because you organized a meal train. I would assume you did it as a good generous person, and good generous person thinks the best of people’s intentions, which you are not doing.

Also, to be frank as someone who lost both parents. You lost your elderly dad, which is expected and normal. It sounds like this woman lost her husband way way young (if she has kids who still need rides, unless she married a geriatric?). So her loss is much more debilitating and unexpected, and honesty is probably past of why she is so desperate for a freaking carpool which you seem to want to snub her about.

I think this response is HARSH. I don't agree with engaging in a tit-for-tat, but I totally get OP feeling hurt by the lack of a response. Okay, maybe it's a different "kind" of loss, but that's not really the issue. The issue is that efforts were made on OP's part (and other that of other neighbors, as well) to be a supportive community, help with the kids, etc. The recipient made NO such efforts at the loss of OP's father, which other neighbors are aware of and provided support for. Maybe OP should give the benefit of the doubt here, because quite honestly, it does sound like this neighbor is a TAKER and probably isn't keeping her finger on the pulse of what's happening with her neighbors. I think OP is well within her rights to draw the line here and say "nope, can't do a ballet carpool" and quietly feel hurt at the neighbor's lack of response. And just a reminder here, while the loss of a young spouse would definitely be debilitating, this loss happened FIVE years ago. I can see the neighbors pitching in occasionally to help out a now single parent with carpool here and there, but this sounds to me like the recipient is taking advantage a bit.

Again, OP has no idea if neighbor even knows. It sounds the only announcement was a school email? GMAFB. I’m sure the widow spends her evenings perusing the school correspondence for these nuggets, nothing better to do as a single mom of young kids.

Again, OP is stuffing a ride to the daughter of a young WIDOW because she for pettiness.

Tight-knit neighborhood, social media, etc...word gets out.

I really doubt this, grand parents die ALL THE TIME. I think I have heard of it maybe once? I mean it seems really weird to be in a school announcement honestly.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. It is very hard to lose a beloved parent.

For this poster, maybe you missed the part where OP said her father lived with them, was well-known in the community, and did pick-ups at school. This grandparent was well-known and obviously a big part of OP's household. I fail to see how grabdparents dying "all the time" negates this loss.

OP, who knows why she hasn't said anything or expressed condolences. Could be any number of reasons. But I agree with the poster that said you are entitled tp decline to do a favor, regardless of whether you're grieving or whether or not someone has hurt your feelings. It's nice to be helpful, but I wouldn't go out of my way now if it isn't convenient.

Wishing strength to you as you grieve your father.

Omg, he was AT PICKUP!! He’s almost like the school principal. Did you see he also WALKED THE DOG. Just because OPs dad happened to be puttering around the community, there is almost zero chance he was “well-known” unless your school is like 20 people. And even then, a notice in school communication is really weird, unless he worked at the school or was a key volunteer which OP did not allude to. As well as the very obvious likelihood that her neighbor just was not aware of that news.

Now, the key question for me, does Op ever have favors from her neighbor over the years? Has she ever driven for ballet or soccer or what not? If she has not, THAT is a valid reason to shut down her request. But this ginned up perceived sleight where you are holding court over a young widow with children? Petty.

You seem to have a large dog in this fight. The point is, the neighbor likely knew of the loss and chose not to acknowledge it, instead simply reaching out for a favor without having the common courtesy to extend support.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are well within your right to ignore the text and not respond. The neighbor should have known better, and by not acknowledging your father's passing, has lost the relationship, regardless of whether or not you carpool to ballet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who the F knows? She may be unaware, she could be unsure how to broach your loss (I mean it seems pretty uncouth to mention via text, maybe she was waiting for in person), maybe she is self centered.

You do seem a bit much though. You don’t earn chits against the woman just because you organized a meal train. I would assume you did it as a good generous person, and good generous person thinks the best of people’s intentions, which you are not doing.

Also, to be frank as someone who lost both parents. You lost your elderly dad, which is expected and normal. It sounds like this woman lost her husband way way young (if she has kids who still need rides, unless she married a geriatric?). So her loss is much more debilitating and unexpected, and honesty is probably past of why she is so desperate for a freaking carpool which you seem to want to snub her about.

I think this response is HARSH. I don't agree with engaging in a tit-for-tat, but I totally get OP feeling hurt by the lack of a response. Okay, maybe it's a different "kind" of loss, but that's not really the issue. The issue is that efforts were made on OP's part (and other that of other neighbors, as well) to be a supportive community, help with the kids, etc. The recipient made NO such efforts at the loss of OP's father, which other neighbors are aware of and provided support for. Maybe OP should give the benefit of the doubt here, because quite honestly, it does sound like this neighbor is a TAKER and probably isn't keeping her finger on the pulse of what's happening with her neighbors. I think OP is well within her rights to draw the line here and say "nope, can't do a ballet carpool" and quietly feel hurt at the neighbor's lack of response. And just a reminder here, while the loss of a young spouse would definitely be debilitating, this loss happened FIVE years ago. I can see the neighbors pitching in occasionally to help out a now single parent with carpool here and there, but this sounds to me like the recipient is taking advantage a bit.

Again, OP has no idea if neighbor even knows. It sounds the only announcement was a school email? GMAFB. I’m sure the widow spends her evenings perusing the school correspondence for these nuggets, nothing better to do as a single mom of young kids.

Again, OP is stuffing a ride to the daughter of a young WIDOW because she for pettiness.

Tight-knit neighborhood, social media, etc...word gets out.

I really doubt this, grand parents die ALL THE TIME. I think I have heard of it maybe once? I mean it seems really weird to be in a school announcement honestly.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. It is very hard to lose a beloved parent.

For this poster, maybe you missed the part where OP said her father lived with them, was well-known in the community, and did pick-ups at school. This grandparent was well-known and obviously a big part of OP's household. I fail to see how grabdparents dying "all the time" negates this loss.

OP, who knows why she hasn't said anything or expressed condolences. Could be any number of reasons. But I agree with the poster that said you are entitled tp decline to do a favor, regardless of whether you're grieving or whether or not someone has hurt your feelings. It's nice to be helpful, but I wouldn't go out of my way now if it isn't convenient.

Wishing strength to you as you grieve your father.

Omg, he was AT PICKUP!! He’s almost like the school principal. Did you see he also WALKED THE DOG. Just because OPs dad happened to be puttering around the community, there is almost zero chance he was “well-known” unless your school is like 20 people. And even then, a notice in school communication is really weird, unless he worked at the school or was a key volunteer which OP did not allude to. As well as the very obvious likelihood that her neighbor just was not aware of that news.

Now, the key question for me, does Op ever have favors from her neighbor over the years? Has she ever driven for ballet or soccer or what not? If she has not, THAT is a valid reason to shut down her request. But this ginned up perceived sleight where you are holding court over a young widow with children? Petty.

You seem to have a large dog in this fight. The point is, the neighbor likely knew of the loss and chose not to acknowledge it, instead simply reaching out for a favor without having the common courtesy to extend support.

I have friends who lost spouses and parents at a young age. It feels like OP is making up sleights to shun them, because the widow didn’t lead with some perfunctory condolences, and I suspect she wasn’t even aware or felt a text message was not the right venue. OP doesn’t really know, but seems to be itching for a reason to burn her, probably because she didn’t fawn enough over her gift card collection or whatever. I like to give people who go thru profound grief a t of slack. And I’m sorry losing your elderly parent is really not a qualifying event in most cases.

[Anonymous]

Assume she didn’t hear about your dad. Text her and tell her that you are still at sixes and sevens over the sudden death of your father and can’t commit to anything right now. Let us know her response.

And there is no Grief Olympics, posters. OP doesn’t get the silver while her widowed neighbor gets the gold. Deep loss is deep loss.

And OP, I really am so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who the F knows? She may be unaware, she could be unsure how to broach your loss (I mean it seems pretty uncouth to mention via text, maybe she was waiting for in person), maybe she is self centered.

You do seem a bit much though. You don’t earn chits against the woman just because you organized a meal train. I would assume you did it as a good generous person, and good generous person thinks the best of people’s intentions, which you are not doing.

Also, to be frank as someone who lost both parents. You lost your elderly dad, which is expected and normal. It sounds like this woman lost her husband way way young (if she has kids who still need rides, unless she married a geriatric?). So her loss is much more debilitating and unexpected, and honesty is probably past of why she is so desperate for a freaking carpool which you seem to want to snub her about.

I think this response is HARSH. I don't agree with engaging in a tit-for-tat, but I totally get OP feeling hurt by the lack of a response. Okay, maybe it's a different "kind" of loss, but that's not really the issue. The issue is that efforts were made on OP's part (and other that of other neighbors, as well) to be a supportive community, help with the kids, etc. The recipient made NO such efforts at the loss of OP's father, which other neighbors are aware of and provided support for. Maybe OP should give the benefit of the doubt here, because quite honestly, it does sound like this neighbor is a TAKER and probably isn't keeping her finger on the pulse of what's happening with her neighbors. I think OP is well within her rights to draw the line here and say "nope, can't do a ballet carpool" and quietly feel hurt at the neighbor's lack of response. And just a reminder here, while the loss of a young spouse would definitely be debilitating, this loss happened FIVE years ago. I can see the neighbors pitching in occasionally to help out a now single parent with carpool here and there, but this sounds to me like the recipient is taking advantage a bit.

Again, OP has no idea if neighbor even knows. It sounds the only announcement was a school email? GMAFB. I’m sure the widow spends her evenings perusing the school correspondence for these nuggets, nothing better to do as a single mom of young kids.

Again, OP is stuffing a ride to the daughter of a young WIDOW because she for pettiness.

Tight-knit neighborhood, social media, etc...word gets out.

I really doubt this, grand parents die ALL THE TIME. I think I have heard of it maybe once? I mean it seems really weird to be in a school announcement honestly.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. It is very hard to lose a beloved parent.

For this poster, maybe you missed the part where OP said her father lived with them, was well-known in the community, and did pick-ups at school. This grandparent was well-known and obviously a big part of OP's household. I fail to see how grabdparents dying "all the time" negates this loss.

OP, who knows why she hasn't said anything or expressed condolences. Could be any number of reasons. But I agree with the poster that said you are entitled tp decline to do a favor, regardless of whether you're grieving or whether or not someone has hurt your feelings. It's nice to be helpful, but I wouldn't go out of my way now if it isn't convenient.

Wishing strength to you as you grieve your father.

Omg, he was AT PICKUP!! He’s almost like the school principal. Did you see he also WALKED THE DOG. Just because OPs dad happened to be puttering around the community, there is almost zero chance he was “well-known” unless your school is like 20 people. And even then, a notice in school communication is really weird, unless he worked at the school or was a key volunteer which OP did not allude to. As well as the very obvious likelihood that her neighbor just was not aware of that news.

Now, the key question for me, does Op ever have favors from her neighbor over the years? Has she ever driven for ballet or soccer or what not? If she has not, THAT is a valid reason to shut down her request. But this ginned up perceived sleight where you are holding court over a young widow with children? Petty.

You seem to have a large dog in this fight. The point is, the neighbor likely knew of the loss and chose not to acknowledge it, instead simply reaching out for a favor without having the common courtesy to extend support.

I have friends who lost spouses and parents at a young age. It feels like OP is making up sleights to shun them, because the widow didn’t lead with some perfunctory condolences, and I suspect she wasn’t even aware or felt a text message was not the right venue. OP doesn’t really know, but seems to be itching for a reason to burn her, probably because she didn’t fawn enough over her gift card collection or whatever. I like to give people who go thru profound grief a t of slack. And I’m sorry losing your elderly parent is really not a qualifying event in most cases.

Condolences over the death of a beloved relative, one who lived in your home, a parent who raised you, aren't "perfunctory."

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry for your loss.

I would not respond to the text since you are not in contact.

[Anonymous]

To answer your question OP, neighbor's lack of empathy would hurt my feelings.

In re: driving, if this required more than her kid coming to my car and getting a ride to/from with my kid, then walking home, I would not do it. If it required no extra effort, I would agree - would just say that I would do it on days we ride straight to/from home; and that I would not be able to do it if I plan a detour.