Just curious about people's take on something

[Anonymous]

“Our family has just experienced a loss and I’m not making any outside commitments just yet. Thank you for understanding”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people are takers. My sister is one. She feels entitled to any support she gets and sees no reason why she should do these things for others. With takers you have to have firm boundaries and realize any generosity you show will not be appreciated or reciprocated. "No that won't work with me. With the recent loss of my dad, I cannot take on anymore." If she does not even apologize and say she is so sorry for the loss and should not have asked, then you know she is just self-centered.

Also, word of caution. You said you organized the gift card drive. Did you pressure people and put them on the spot or did you leave it open ended and easy to decline? The people who use any pressure tactics reap what they sew. Some people prefer to give a meal. Some will drive a kid. Not everyone wants to do everything when they have their own major life stressors it is never OK to take advantage of others so you can seem like the generous organizer.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry for your loss.

It is not petty. Her kids activities are not your problem. I would reply indicating that you won’t be able to help with transportation. If you want to throw in that recently losing your dad has really impacted your family’s lives and you can’t commit to any outside responsibilities, you can. Otherwise just say no.

I’m sorry fir this woman’s loss, but 5 she’s rude.

+1

+2

Definitely this.

Say no and also mention the loss of your father. It's possible she may not know and this will alert her to it, or point out that she's being very insensitive about your loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would try, if possible, to separate the carpool question from the sleight you feel over her failure to acknowledge your loss. You don't know why she has not reached out to offer condolences--as others have said, maybe she is unaware, maybe she finds it triggering, maybe she's self-centered--but it has nothing to do with the carpool request, and certainly nothing to do with her kid.

In any event, I'm sorry for your loss.

+1. If it’s not too hard for you to do, then do it. Don’t be petty. It’s much tougher on a kid to be father-less than grandfather-less. So help the kid out if you can. If you can’t, then whatever

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the responses but I think she doesn't even know your father passed away. Not everyone checks their social media or reads every email they receive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live in a very close-knit neighborhood. Five years ago, a woman in my neighborhood lost her spouse. Everyone in the neighborhood was very supportive, including me. I brought meals, organized a gift-card drive for takeout from her favorite places, babysat her children, did all I could to be supportive and continued to be over the years. I would not call her a friend -- but a neighbor/acquaintance/kids same age in school. She continues to be very vocal on social media and in person about the loss, and everyone continues to try to support her.

Earlier in the summer, my father passed suddenly. He lived with my family and was well-known in our neighborhood because he walked our dogs daily, picked up at school. Again, the community rallied -- except I heard nothing from this neighbor, not even a text or an "I'm sorry," though she was aware of the loss because an email went out in our school community. Then, this morning, I got a text from her asking me to bring her daughter to ballet classes (my kid is also in it) this summer because she has a conflict. In the text, there was no mention of my loss, just how she really could use my help because she is so busy.

I have yet to reply but am not eager to go out of my way. Is this petty? If it were you, how might you respond?


Let it go and stop supporting her. I find it weird a school would announce a grandparent loss. No more rides or helping. She is not a friend. Sorry for your loss. After 5 years enough is enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all the responses but I think she doesn't even know your father passed away. Not everyone checks their social media or reads every email they receive.

Especially after their spouse died and left them as a single parent. She might be busy and still affected by the loss of her husband and the father of her children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’ve had a similar experience and I had to cut off contact with the person/school parent/former friend. It was all about her grief, her feelings, her needs, her support and yes, like you, provided hands on help and support and listened and helped.

Then, I suffered a loss and this person when I reached out to her was positively dismissive. Silence.

Never did get any sort of thanks or even acknowledgement of any of the kind things I did, either. Let’s just say that as time went on, several of us were just expected to continue with extraordinary acts of service and most all were never acknowledged. Meanwhile, this person was all over social media thanking internet strangers for notes, gifts, etc.

We've all known this kind of person, unfortunately. They are TAKERS. Their grief is paramount to anything anyone else is experiencing, loss or otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all the responses but I think she doesn't even know your father passed away. Not everyone checks their social media or reads every email they receive.

Except that the OPs father was an integral part of the neighborhood, oh she definitely knows.

[Anonymous]

I have lost a child so I have a lot of experience being on the receiving end of a huge number of condolence notes and other acts of support and kindness from friends, neighbors, acquaintances, etc. I was never one to get too focused on, or overly upset by, people who didn't know what to say and therefore said little or nothing. I realize people have their own issues and imperfections.

However OP, I'd also be really annoyed by your neighbor as well. Because she has lost someone, she knows the importance of acknowledging grief and receiving support.

I agree with the previous PPs who suggest declining to pick up the kid and mentioning your loss. This also works well on the off chance she doesn't know. Then you are giving her an opportunity to say that and apologize.

[Anonymous]

Losing a spouse is totally different than losing an elderly parent. Should this woman have acknowledged your loss? Absolutely. It’s odd that she didn’t. But… Will losing your dad change the trajectory of your and your children’s entire lives? No. Old people are expected to die. Young parents are not.

There’s this weird thing that happens among mothers… those who are alone in the game (no spouse, no hired help, no local family) have a hard time feeling sorry for moms who have all of those supports. From their perspective, you’re extremely privileged to be able to share the load with so many other people. This has been especially challenging during covid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Losing a spouse is totally different than losing an elderly parent. Should this woman have acknowledged your loss? Absolutely. It’s odd that she didn’t. But… Will losing your dad change the trajectory of your and your children’s entire lives? No. Old people are expected to die. Young parents are not.

There’s this weird thing that happens among mothers… those who are alone in the game (no spouse, no hired help, no local family) have a hard time feeling sorry for moms who have all of those supports. From their perspective, you’re extremely privileged to be able to share the load with so many other people. This has been especially challenging during covid.

This is all fine and good, but it still doesn't change the fact that it's just not hard to say "I am sorry to hear of your loss" when someone loses a parent. You don't have to feel sorry for them, you don't even have to like them. It's just basic manners. I swear to god, some of you were raised by wolves or something.

[Anonymous]

Don't get hung up on this. If its easy to get the girl, do so. If you have a conflict say so. I would not refuse to help someone out over a failed condolence. Is there any other reason you would not help her? Is her dd a handful, does she get along with your dd?

[Anonymous]

Is your daughter friends with her daughter? If your daughter asks why you wouldn't drive the other little girl, how would you respond?

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Some people suck at dealing with death.
Some people don't read emails or stay in the loop for a variety of reasons.
Some people send cards that get lost in the mail.
For those and other reasons, including keeping myself sane, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Carpool if it's not too inconvenient. Don't if it is. But don't go down there road of tit for tat or punishing kids for their parents' slip ups. It won't help you feel better in the long run.