Just curious about people's take on something

[Anonymous]

Please do not assume she read the email or that she knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please do not assume she read the email or that she knows.

PP please do not assume that she has heard and is aware and STILL will not acknowledge. Sorry, but the aggrieved shouldn't get a lifetime pass to be a colossal asshat but often seem to...

[Anonymous]

I read something the other day that was to the effect of - "if you have the opportunity to assume something was not personal, take it."

It was expressed more eloquently, but I think the concept is important. OP can assume that her neighbor was slighting her, or she can consider that:
Neighbor may not have known
Neighbor may have seen, made a mental note to send a card or whatever, then got busy with other stuff and ultimately forgot
Neighbor did send a card which was lost in the mail (or a text that didn't go through)

Basically, in the absence of other information, OP can choose to assume the neighbor deliberately slighted her or choose to assume some benign explanation. IMO, she should choose not to take it personally. Why spend her time and energy getting upset or hurt over something that may not have been personal?

[Anonymous]

Hi, I'm the OP. Thanks for the replies and the condolences.

For some clarification, I'm 99.9999 percent sure she knows, as she was also part of a text thread of neighborhood parents, wherein my close friend shared the news, because the close friend was arranging some play dates for my kids while we dealt with hospital issues. She also plays tennis with several people who I know, who told me that they told her in person. So really, she does know. It wasn't only the email from the school.

I'm not overly angry or expending energy on it, but I'm just put off that her first communication with me since the death was to ask for a favor, not to express sympathy.

My DD and her DD are not close friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry for your loss.

Some people suck at dealing with death.
Some people don't read emails or stay in the loop for a variety of reasons.
Some people send cards that get lost in the mail.
For those and other reasons, including keeping myself sane, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Carpool if it's not too inconvenient. Don't if it is. But don't go down there road of tit for tat or punishing kids for their parents' slip ups. It won't help you feel better in the long run.

It’s not about punishing ballet kid for mom being a jerk. It’s OP doing whatever she needs to do to survive during a time of grief — and survive additional hurt from a neighbor. Some of you apparently don’t know how crippling, wary and vulnerable grief can make you. If that means ignoring moms text and not carpooling, that is a 100 percent acceptable choice. OP needs to take care of herself first right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, I'm the OP. Thanks for the replies and the condolences.

For some clarification, I'm 99.9999 percent sure she knows, as she was also part of a text thread of neighborhood parents, wherein my close friend shared the news, because the close friend was arranging some play dates for my kids while we dealt with hospital issues. She also plays tennis with several people who I know, who told me that they told her in person. So really, she does know. It wasn't only the email from the school.

I'm not overly angry or expending energy on it, but I'm just put off that her first communication with me since the death was to ask for a favor, not to express sympathy.

My DD and her DD are not close friends.

How does this come up in conversation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi, I'm the OP. Thanks for the replies and the condolences.

For some clarification, I'm 99.9999 percent sure she knows, as she was also part of a text thread of neighborhood parents, wherein my close friend shared the news, because the close friend was arranging some play dates for my kids while we dealt with hospital issues. She also plays tennis with several people who I know, who told me that they told her in person. So really, she does know. It wasn't only the email from the school.

I'm not overly angry or expending energy on it, but I'm just put off that her first communication with me since the death was to ask for a favor, not to express sympathy.

My DD and her DD are not close friends.

How does this come up in conversation?

The same way anything does, I would imagine?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Our family has just experienced a loss and I’m not making any outside commitments just yet. Thank you for understanding”

+ 1. This is perfect.

Consider this person's whole personality though. Is she ever considerate? Does she like to help others? If she's generally a good person, say the above and forgive her rudeness this time. But if she's typically a taker, feel free to ease wayyyyy back on helping her out, and let the relationship burn out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would try, if possible, to separate the carpool question from the sleight you feel over her failure to acknowledge your loss. You don't know why she has not reached out to offer condolences--as others have said, maybe she is unaware, maybe she finds it triggering, maybe she's self-centered--but it has nothing to do with the carpool request, and certainly nothing to do with her kid.

In any event, I'm sorry for your loss.

+1. If it’s not too hard for you to do, then do it. Don’t be petty. It’s much tougher on a kid to be father-less than grandfather-less. So help the kid out if you can. If you can’t, then whatever

Op isn't trying to compete for whose loss is worse. This person seems to be a taker. By asking for a favor instead of offering condolences, she's showing she is unappreciative of op. The woman needs to be considerate of others EVEN THOUGH she is in need of help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who the F knows? She may be unaware, she could be unsure how to broach your loss (I mean it seems pretty uncouth to mention via text, maybe she was waiting for in person), maybe she is self centered.

You do seem a bit much though. You don’t earn chits against the woman just because you organized a meal train. I would assume you did it as a good generous person, and good generous person thinks the best of people’s intentions, which you are not doing.

Also, to be frank as someone who lost both parents. You lost your elderly dad, which is expected and normal. It sounds like this woman lost her husband way way young (if she has kids who still need rides, unless she married a geriatric?). So her loss is much more debilitating and unexpected, and honesty is probably past of why she is so desperate for a freaking carpool which you seem to want to snub her about.

I think this response is HARSH. I don't agree with engaging in a tit-for-tat, but I totally get OP feeling hurt by the lack of a response. Okay, maybe it's a different "kind" of loss, but that's not really the issue. The issue is that efforts were made on OP's part (and other that of other neighbors, as well) to be a supportive community, help with the kids, etc. The recipient made NO such efforts at the loss of OP's father, which other neighbors are aware of and provided support for. Maybe OP should give the benefit of the doubt here, because quite honestly, it does sound like this neighbor is a TAKER and probably isn't keeping her finger on the pulse of what's happening with her neighbors. I think OP is well within her rights to draw the line here and say "nope, can't do a ballet carpool" and quietly feel hurt at the neighbor's lack of response. And just a reminder here, while the loss of a young spouse would definitely be debilitating, this loss happened FIVE years ago. I can see the neighbors pitching in occasionally to help out a now single parent with carpool here and there, but this sounds to me like the recipient is taking advantage a bit.

Again, OP has no idea if neighbor even knows. It sounds the only announcement was a school email? GMAFB. I’m sure the widow spends her evenings perusing the school correspondence for these nuggets, nothing better to do as a single mom of young kids.

Again, OP is stuffing a ride to the daughter of a young WIDOW because she for pettiness.

Tight-knit neighborhood, social media, etc...word gets out.

I really doubt this, grand parents die ALL THE TIME. I think I have heard of it maybe once? I mean it seems really weird to be in a school announcement honestly.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. It is very hard to lose a beloved parent.

For this poster, maybe you missed the part where OP said her father lived with them, was well-known in the community, and did pick-ups at school. This grandparent was well-known and obviously a big part of OP's household. I fail to see how grabdparents dying "all the time" negates this loss.

OP, who knows why she hasn't said anything or expressed condolences. Could be any number of reasons. But I agree with the poster that said you are entitled tp decline to do a favor, regardless of whether you're grieving or whether or not someone has hurt your feelings. It's nice to be helpful, but I wouldn't go out of my way now if it isn't convenient.

Wishing strength to you as you grieve your father.

Omg, he was AT PICKUP!! He’s almost like the school principal. Did you see he also WALKED THE DOG. Just because OPs dad happened to be puttering around the community, there is almost zero chance he was “well-known” unless your school is like 20 people. And even then, a notice in school communication is really weird, unless he worked at the school or was a key volunteer which OP did not allude to. As well as the very obvious likelihood that her neighbor just was not aware of that news.

Now, the key question for me, does Op ever have favors from her neighbor over the years? Has she ever driven for ballet or soccer or what not? If she has not, THAT is a valid reason to shut down her request. But this ginned up perceived sleight where you are holding court over a young widow with children? Petty.

Your sarcasm is uncalled for. You have no idea how well known OP's father was. We had a grandparent who did pick up at our school. A lot of people talked with him. He was at school functions, as well as neighborhood events. He was part of the community.

Op, say no if you don't want to take her. Unless your neighbor found the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, I'm the OP. Thanks for the replies and the condolences.

For some clarification, I'm 99.9999 percent sure she knows, as she was also part of a text thread of neighborhood parents, wherein my close friend shared the news, because the close friend was arranging some play dates for my kids while we dealt with hospital issues. She also plays tennis with several people who I know, who told me that they told her in person. So really, she does know. It wasn't only the email from the school.

I'm not overly angry or expending energy on it, but I'm just put off that her first communication with me since the death was to ask for a favor, not to express sympathy.

My DD and her DD are not close friends.

Op, I lost a sibling two months ago at a young age. There has been a mix of reactions from my friends who received a note directly from me about my loss. At first I didn’t know how to take it, but have decided to just assume the best — that perhaps they didn’t know how to express their condolences, or they forgot the first time they saw me and feel awkward saying something now. I try to remember that their lives have not been disrupted life mine have, so it’s totally fine for them to just continue on as if the world hasn’t changed.

I also have a good friend with young kids who was widowed. Her life and balancing act are so much harder than mine because the buck always stops with her. I try to help as much as I can because I care about my friend and their kids (I didn’t know the spouse who passed). If it is something that I’d easy for you to do, I would help out with a ride for their child.