Just curious about people's take on something

[Anonymous]

Op, regardless of your Dad dying --- you are entitled to decline a favor

It's not complicated

[Anonymous]

Just tell her you’re grieving right now and can’t add anything extra.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who the F knows? She may be unaware, she could be unsure how to broach your loss (I mean it seems pretty uncouth to mention via text, maybe she was waiting for in person), maybe she is self centered.

You do seem a bit much though. You don’t earn chits against the woman just because you organized a meal train. I would assume you did it as a good generous person, and good generous person thinks the best of people’s intentions, which you are not doing.

Also, to be frank as someone who lost both parents. You lost your elderly dad, which is expected and normal. It sounds like this woman lost her husband way way young (if she has kids who still need rides, unless she married a geriatric?). So her loss is much more debilitating and unexpected, and honesty is probably past of why she is so desperate for a freaking carpool which you seem to want to snub her about.

I think this response is HARSH. I don't agree with engaging in a tit-for-tat, but I totally get OP feeling hurt by the lack of a response. Okay, maybe it's a different "kind" of loss, but that's not really the issue. The issue is that efforts were made on OP's part (and other that of other neighbors, as well) to be a supportive community, help with the kids, etc. The recipient made NO such efforts at the loss of OP's father, which other neighbors are aware of and provided support for. Maybe OP should give the benefit of the doubt here, because quite honestly, it does sound like this neighbor is a TAKER and probably isn't keeping her finger on the pulse of what's happening with her neighbors. I think OP is well within her rights to draw the line here and say "nope, can't do a ballet carpool" and quietly feel hurt at the neighbor's lack of response. And just a reminder here, while the loss of a young spouse would definitely be debilitating, this loss happened FIVE years ago. I can see the neighbors pitching in occasionally to help out a now single parent with carpool here and there, but this sounds to me like the recipient is taking advantage a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who the F knows? She may be unaware, she could be unsure how to broach your loss (I mean it seems pretty uncouth to mention via text, maybe she was waiting for in person), maybe she is self centered.

You do seem a bit much though. You don’t earn chits against the woman just because you organized a meal train. I would assume you did it as a good generous person, and good generous person thinks the best of people’s intentions, which you are not doing.

Also, to be frank as someone who lost both parents. You lost your elderly dad, which is expected and normal. It sounds like this woman lost her husband way way young (if she has kids who still need rides, unless she married a geriatric?). So her loss is much more debilitating and unexpected, and honesty is probably past of why she is so desperate for a freaking carpool which you seem to want to snub her about.

I think this response is HARSH. I don't agree with engaging in a tit-for-tat, but I totally get OP feeling hurt by the lack of a response. Okay, maybe it's a different "kind" of loss, but that's not really the issue. The issue is that efforts were made on OP's part (and other that of other neighbors, as well) to be a supportive community, help with the kids, etc. The recipient made NO such efforts at the loss of OP's father, which other neighbors are aware of and provided support for. Maybe OP should give the benefit of the doubt here, because quite honestly, it does sound like this neighbor is a TAKER and probably isn't keeping her finger on the pulse of what's happening with her neighbors. I think OP is well within her rights to draw the line here and say "nope, can't do a ballet carpool" and quietly feel hurt at the neighbor's lack of response. And just a reminder here, while the loss of a young spouse would definitely be debilitating, this loss happened FIVE years ago. I can see the neighbors pitching in occasionally to help out a now single parent with carpool here and there, but this sounds to me like the recipient is taking advantage a bit.

Again, OP has no idea if neighbor even knows. It sounds the only announcement was a school email? GMAFB. I’m sure the widow spends her evenings perusing the school correspondence for these nuggets, nothing better to do as a single mom of young kids.

Again, OP is stuffing a ride to the daughter of a young WIDOW because she for pettiness.

[Anonymous]

I would try, if possible, to separate the carpool question from the sleight you feel over her failure to acknowledge your loss. You don't know why she has not reached out to offer condolences--as others have said, maybe she is unaware, maybe she finds it triggering, maybe she's self-centered--but it has nothing to do with the carpool request, and certainly nothing to do with her kid.

In any event, I'm sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would try, if possible, to separate the carpool question from the sleight you feel over her failure to acknowledge your loss. You don't know why she has not reached out to offer condolences--as others have said, maybe she is unaware, maybe she finds it triggering, maybe she's self-centered--but it has nothing to do with the carpool request, and certainly nothing to do with her kid.

In any event, I'm sorry for your loss.

Harsh Pp. yes I am sorry for your loss. I just go worked up bc I can’t imagine losing the father of my kids, for me and the kids that would lasting life wrenching. My friend lost her mom in her teens, and the impact is still seen in her 30s and altered her entire course of her life. That is what your neighbor and her kids are dealing with.

Losing my parents while sad, and missed almost every day, does not impact my kids the same way.

[Anonymous]

Not having my father's day acknowledged by some friends was the straw that broke the camel's back for me without even an explanation to them. I would definitely ignore an acquaintance asking for rides and not acknowledging anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who the F knows? She may be unaware, she could be unsure how to broach your loss (I mean it seems pretty uncouth to mention via text, maybe she was waiting for in person), maybe she is self centered.

You do seem a bit much though. You don’t earn chits against the woman just because you organized a meal train. I would assume you did it as a good generous person, and good generous person thinks the best of people’s intentions, which you are not doing.

Also, to be frank as someone who lost both parents. You lost your elderly dad, which is expected and normal. It sounds like this woman lost her husband way way young (if she has kids who still need rides, unless she married a geriatric?). So her loss is much more debilitating and unexpected, and honesty is probably past of why she is so desperate for a freaking carpool which you seem to want to snub her about.

I think this response is HARSH. I don't agree with engaging in a tit-for-tat, but I totally get OP feeling hurt by the lack of a response. Okay, maybe it's a different "kind" of loss, but that's not really the issue. The issue is that efforts were made on OP's part (and other that of other neighbors, as well) to be a supportive community, help with the kids, etc. The recipient made NO such efforts at the loss of OP's father, which other neighbors are aware of and provided support for. Maybe OP should give the benefit of the doubt here, because quite honestly, it does sound like this neighbor is a TAKER and probably isn't keeping her finger on the pulse of what's happening with her neighbors. I think OP is well within her rights to draw the line here and say "nope, can't do a ballet carpool" and quietly feel hurt at the neighbor's lack of response. And just a reminder here, while the loss of a young spouse would definitely be debilitating, this loss happened FIVE years ago. I can see the neighbors pitching in occasionally to help out a now single parent with carpool here and there, but this sounds to me like the recipient is taking advantage a bit.

Again, OP has no idea if neighbor even knows. It sounds the only announcement was a school email? GMAFB. I’m sure the widow spends her evenings perusing the school correspondence for these nuggets, nothing better to do as a single mom of young kids.

Again, OP is stuffing a ride to the daughter of a young WIDOW because she for pettiness.

Tight-knit neighborhood, social media, etc...word gets out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who the F knows? She may be unaware, she could be unsure how to broach your loss (I mean it seems pretty uncouth to mention via text, maybe she was waiting for in person), maybe she is self centered.

You do seem a bit much though. You don’t earn chits against the woman just because you organized a meal train. I would assume you did it as a good generous person, and good generous person thinks the best of people’s intentions, which you are not doing.

Also, to be frank as someone who lost both parents. You lost your elderly dad, which is expected and normal. It sounds like this woman lost her husband way way young (if she has kids who still need rides, unless she married a geriatric?). So her loss is much more debilitating and unexpected, and honesty is probably past of why she is so desperate for a freaking carpool which you seem to want to snub her about.

I think this response is HARSH. I don't agree with engaging in a tit-for-tat, but I totally get OP feeling hurt by the lack of a response. Okay, maybe it's a different "kind" of loss, but that's not really the issue. The issue is that efforts were made on OP's part (and other that of other neighbors, as well) to be a supportive community, help with the kids, etc. The recipient made NO such efforts at the loss of OP's father, which other neighbors are aware of and provided support for. Maybe OP should give the benefit of the doubt here, because quite honestly, it does sound like this neighbor is a TAKER and probably isn't keeping her finger on the pulse of what's happening with her neighbors. I think OP is well within her rights to draw the line here and say "nope, can't do a ballet carpool" and quietly feel hurt at the neighbor's lack of response. And just a reminder here, while the loss of a young spouse would definitely be debilitating, this loss happened FIVE years ago. I can see the neighbors pitching in occasionally to help out a now single parent with carpool here and there, but this sounds to me like the recipient is taking advantage a bit.

Again, OP has no idea if neighbor even knows. It sounds the only announcement was a school email? GMAFB. I’m sure the widow spends her evenings perusing the school correspondence for these nuggets, nothing better to do as a single mom of young kids.

Again, OP is stuffing a ride to the daughter of a young WIDOW because she for pettiness.

Tight-knit neighborhood, social media, etc...word gets out.

I really doubt this, grand parents die ALL THE TIME. I think I have heard of it maybe once? I mean it seems really weird to be in a school announcement honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who the F knows? She may be unaware, she could be unsure how to broach your loss (I mean it seems pretty uncouth to mention via text, maybe she was waiting for in person), maybe she is self centered.

You do seem a bit much though. You don’t earn chits against the woman just because you organized a meal train. I would assume you did it as a good generous person, and good generous person thinks the best of people’s intentions, which you are not doing.

Also, to be frank as someone who lost both parents. You lost your elderly dad, which is expected and normal. It sounds like this woman lost her husband way way young (if she has kids who still need rides, unless she married a geriatric?). So her loss is much more debilitating and unexpected, and honesty is probably past of why she is so desperate for a freaking carpool which you seem to want to snub her about.

I think this response is HARSH. I don't agree with engaging in a tit-for-tat, but I totally get OP feeling hurt by the lack of a response. Okay, maybe it's a different "kind" of loss, but that's not really the issue. The issue is that efforts were made on OP's part (and other that of other neighbors, as well) to be a supportive community, help with the kids, etc. The recipient made NO such efforts at the loss of OP's father, which other neighbors are aware of and provided support for. Maybe OP should give the benefit of the doubt here, because quite honestly, it does sound like this neighbor is a TAKER and probably isn't keeping her finger on the pulse of what's happening with her neighbors. I think OP is well within her rights to draw the line here and say "nope, can't do a ballet carpool" and quietly feel hurt at the neighbor's lack of response. And just a reminder here, while the loss of a young spouse would definitely be debilitating, this loss happened FIVE years ago. I can see the neighbors pitching in occasionally to help out a now single parent with carpool here and there, but this sounds to me like the recipient is taking advantage a bit.

Again, OP has no idea if neighbor even knows. It sounds the only announcement was a school email? GMAFB. I’m sure the widow spends her evenings perusing the school correspondence for these nuggets, nothing better to do as a single mom of young kids.

Again, OP is stuffing a ride to the daughter of a young WIDOW because she for pettiness.

Tight-knit neighborhood, social media, etc...word gets out.

I really doubt this, grand parents die ALL THE TIME. I think I have heard of it maybe once? I mean it seems really weird to be in a school announcement honestly.

The father lived in the neighborhood, was a presence in the community, etc, so I don't think it's weird - different than grannie in Florida.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who the F knows? She may be unaware, she could be unsure how to broach your loss (I mean it seems pretty uncouth to mention via text, maybe she was waiting for in person), maybe she is self centered.

You do seem a bit much though. You don’t earn chits against the woman just because you organized a meal train. I would assume you did it as a good generous person, and good generous person thinks the best of people’s intentions, which you are not doing.

Also, to be frank as someone who lost both parents. You lost your elderly dad, which is expected and normal. It sounds like this woman lost her husband way way young (if she has kids who still need rides, unless she married a geriatric?). So her loss is much more debilitating and unexpected, and honesty is probably past of why she is so desperate for a freaking carpool which you seem to want to snub her about.

I think this response is HARSH. I don't agree with engaging in a tit-for-tat, but I totally get OP feeling hurt by the lack of a response. Okay, maybe it's a different "kind" of loss, but that's not really the issue. The issue is that efforts were made on OP's part (and other that of other neighbors, as well) to be a supportive community, help with the kids, etc. The recipient made NO such efforts at the loss of OP's father, which other neighbors are aware of and provided support for. Maybe OP should give the benefit of the doubt here, because quite honestly, it does sound like this neighbor is a TAKER and probably isn't keeping her finger on the pulse of what's happening with her neighbors. I think OP is well within her rights to draw the line here and say "nope, can't do a ballet carpool" and quietly feel hurt at the neighbor's lack of response. And just a reminder here, while the loss of a young spouse would definitely be debilitating, this loss happened FIVE years ago. I can see the neighbors pitching in occasionally to help out a now single parent with carpool here and there, but this sounds to me like the recipient is taking advantage a bit.

Again, OP has no idea if neighbor even knows. It sounds the only announcement was a school email? GMAFB. I’m sure the widow spends her evenings perusing the school correspondence for these nuggets, nothing better to do as a single mom of young kids.

Again, OP is stuffing a ride to the daughter of a young WIDOW because she for pettiness.

Tight-knit neighborhood, social media, etc...word gets out.

I really doubt this, grand parents die ALL THE TIME. I think I have heard of it maybe once? I mean it seems really weird to be in a school announcement honestly.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. It is very hard to lose a beloved parent.

For this poster, maybe you missed the part where OP said her father lived with them, was well-known in the community, and did pick-ups at school. This grandparent was well-known and obviously a big part of OP's household. I fail to see how grabdparents dying "all the time" negates this loss.

OP, who knows why she hasn't said anything or expressed condolences. Could be any number of reasons. But I agree with the poster that said you are entitled tp decline to do a favor, regardless of whether you're grieving or whether or not someone has hurt your feelings. It's nice to be helpful, but I wouldn't go out of my way now if it isn't convenient.

Wishing strength to you as you grieve your father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just tell her you’re grieving right now and can’t add anything extra.

This is what I would suggest too.
Keep it short and to the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell her you’re grieving right now and can’t add anything extra.

This is what I would suggest too.
Keep it short and to the point.

+1. In time you may forgive and forget the perceived slight; this gives you time to grieve without doing someone favors. I don't think it's "no skin off OP's back" to bring a kid to ballet class every single time. The other parent should manage her time better. I realize she's single, but you don't sign your kid up for ballet and then flake on actually taking her. She knew she had a conflict when she signed her kid up ostensibly. Either remove her from the class or remove the conflict.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’ve had a similar experience and I had to cut off contact with the person/school parent/former friend. It was all about her grief, her feelings, her needs, her support and yes, like you, provided hands on help and support and listened and helped.

Then, I suffered a loss and this person when I reached out to her was positively dismissive. Silence.

Never did get any sort of thanks or even acknowledgement of any of the kind things I did, either. Let’s just say that as time went on, several of us were just expected to continue with extraordinary acts of service and most all were never acknowledged. Meanwhile, this person was all over social media thanking internet strangers for notes, gifts, etc.

[Anonymous]

Can you say that right now you are overwhelmed after the loss of your dad so can't help out with her daughter?