How to tell friend I'm pregnant

[Anonymous]

My best friend has suffered through 3 years of infertility trying for a second and finally decided to be done with treatment. She's coming to peace with it and our sons are the same age and best friends. She's been talking nonstop about how they're like brothers and will grow up doing things together which I whole-heartedly agree with. All of a sudden, it turns out that I am pregnant - completely unexpectedly. Our sons are 5, about to start K this year, so will be significantly older than the new baby, but I have no idea how to tell her. She knows we weren't trying, we've talked about how I'm happy with one, and it just feels so unfair that I'm having another and she, who tried so hard for a second won't have one. I haven't told her yet, and I have no idea how to tell her. I don't want this to get in the way of our friendship, but I also know how sensitive it may be. Anyway, looking for advice on how to tell her, when to tell her, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend has suffered through 3 years of infertility trying for a second and finally decided to be done with treatment. She's coming to peace with it and our sons are the same age and best friends. She's been talking nonstop about how they're like brothers and will grow up doing things together which I whole-heartedly agree with. All of a sudden, it turns out that I am pregnant - completely unexpectedly. Our sons are 5, about to start K this year, so will be significantly older than the new baby, but I have no idea how to tell her. She knows we weren't trying, we've talked about how I'm happy with one, and it just feels so unfair that I'm having another and she, who tried so hard for a second won't have one. I haven't told her yet, and I have no idea how to tell her. I don't want this to get in the way of our friendship, but I also know how sensitive it may be. Anyway, looking for advice on how to tell her, when to tell her, etc.

You are a good person and good friend for being sensitive to this. I have been on both sides -- struggled with infertility and did IVF for #1. Then had #2 and have a close friend who probably can't. Definitely text/email and not in person so she has space to react privately before saying Congratulations. I wouldn't make this about her or imply she wont be happy for you. Just share the news, and then more generally focus on what you have in common (your 5yos) and don't bring up pregnancy/baby a ton, follow her Qs and lead.

Congrats OP!

[Anonymous]

I would a) wait until you’ve passed the 3 month mark (or whatever point after that you’re comfortable sharing), and then b) tell her over text so that she can have her reaction in private, and c) give her space afterwards if she needs it.

For the text, I would say something along the lines of “Hey, I have some news to share. Bob and I are expecting. I wasn’t sure how to tell you because I know you and Tom struggled.” DON’T apologize. DON’T say you weren’t even trying. DON’T go on about how this must be hard for her etc. Just tell her and acknowledge briefly you get it might be hard to hear, then follow her lead after that on what you share. And understand that she may back off from the friendship for awhile and it has nothing to do with you.

[Anonymous]

In writing please, not in person. That was she can process her feelings in private at her own pace.

[Anonymous]

Oh jeez, this is an impossible situation. I'm your friend and there's no way this won't be devastating. She's using your sons' relationship as a proxy and reassurance to herself. I know because I do the same, and it really does give me a lot of comfort that my only child has a sister-like BFF. But you know, her BFF has a younger sibling and with time, I see it as a bonus. The BFF family treats my DC like one of their own when they're together (will buy matching outfits for all 3 girls, always picks up 3 special presents or treats from the store, etc.) and the younger sibling loves my DC like she has two big sisters. If you genuinely care and are up for it, remember this and try to treat your friend's son the way my friend treats my daughter. It will help heal the wound and really will make a difference.

That said, breaking the news and the next few months to years will be VERY hard. Tell her now, don't wait. If you miscarry (knock on wood), it's something you'd tell your best friend anyways, right? Send her a text (NOT IN PERSON EVEN FOR A BEST FRIEND) and say, "I wanted to let you know something and give you the space to react on your own. I'm pregnant and it's a total shock. It is SO unfair it worked out this way for me and not for you. It's total bullshit and I wish more than anything it was different for you. I love you so much and want to be there for you however is best for you. And I love Larlo and he is still and will always be like a brother to our family. Please don't respond right away and don't you dare say congrats if you would rather say "what the f**k! I love you and I'm here for you, whenever and however."

Don't be surprised if she doesn't respond or if she pulls away for a while. This is a true test of your friendship and she may just not have it in her to be present for your pregnancy. I had a few friends that got pregnant during or after we stopped treatment. Some I distanced from, some I still spent time with but avoided the topic of pregnancy despite the humungous pregnant-belly shaped elephant in the room. She'll probably cry for the unfairness of the situation and the potential loss for her son that she's envisioning. You can empathize with the unfairness and reassure her about the loss. Hugs and good luck. Please feel free to ask any and all questions now and in the upcoming months. I'm happy to help how I can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would a) wait until you’ve passed the 3 month mark (or whatever point after that you’re comfortable sharing), and then b) tell her over text so that she can have her reaction in private, and c) give her space afterwards if she needs it.

For the text, I would say something along the lines of “Hey, I have some news to share. Bob and I are expecting. I wasn’t sure how to tell you because I know you and Tom struggled.” DON’T apologize. DON’T say you weren’t even trying. DON’T go on about how this must be hard for her etc. Just tell her and acknowledge briefly you get it might be hard to hear, then follow her lead after that on what you share. And understand that she may back off from the friendship for awhile and it has nothing to do with you.

PP here. This is her best friend. What's the point of having a best friend if you can't empathize with what each other is going through? She needs to know her friend understands and will continue to be there for her. I think she's guaranteeing a permanent divide in the friendship if she stays aloof and ignores how her friend is feeling. I think OP knows her relationship with her friend best, but if her friend has been that open and honest in the past, she owes it to her to be equally open and honest back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would a) wait until you’ve passed the 3 month mark (or whatever point after that you’re comfortable sharing), and then b) tell her over text so that she can have her reaction in private, and c) give her space afterwards if she needs it.

For the text, I would say something along the lines of “Hey, I have some news to share. Bob and I are expecting. I wasn’t sure how to tell you because I know you and Tom struggled.” DON’T apologize. DON’T say you weren’t even trying. DON’T go on about how this must be hard for her etc. Just tell her and acknowledge briefly you get it might be hard to hear, then follow her lead after that on what you share. And understand that she may back off from the friendship for awhile and it has nothing to do with you.

Maybe a text is a good idea, but please don’t write one the way it was suggested with the cringe inducing and weird beyond belief words “you and Tom struggled.”. No one wants to hear that.

[Anonymous]

I take these proclamations of surprise! unexpected! with a grain of salt. But assuming that’s accurate, no need to share that with this person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would a) wait until you’ve passed the 3 month mark (or whatever point after that you’re comfortable sharing), and then b) tell her over text so that she can have her reaction in private, and c) give her space afterwards if she needs it.

For the text, I would say something along the lines of “Hey, I have some news to share. Bob and I are expecting. I wasn’t sure how to tell you because I know you and Tom struggled.” DON’T apologize. DON’T say you weren’t even trying. DON’T go on about how this must be hard for her etc. Just tell her and acknowledge briefly you get it might be hard to hear, then follow her lead after that on what you share. And understand that she may back off from the friendship for awhile and it has nothing to do with you.

Maybe a text is a good idea, but please don’t write one the way it was suggested with the cringe inducing and weird beyond belief words “you and Tom struggled.”. No one wants to hear that.

Just say something simply by text or email (like “Hey, I have some news to share. Bob and I are expecting." from above). Give her space to process. Don't mention that you know she struggled. don't bring up the pregnancy in other conversations unless she does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would a) wait until you’ve passed the 3 month mark (or whatever point after that you’re comfortable sharing), and then b) tell her over text so that she can have her reaction in private, and c) give her space afterwards if she needs it.

For the text, I would say something along the lines of “Hey, I have some news to share. Bob and I are expecting. I wasn’t sure how to tell you because I know you and Tom struggled.” DON’T apologize. DON’T say you weren’t even trying. DON’T go on about how this must be hard for her etc. Just tell her and acknowledge briefly you get it might be hard to hear, then follow her lead after that on what you share. And understand that she may back off from the friendship for awhile and it has nothing to do with you.

PP here. This is her best friend. What's the point of having a best friend if you can't empathize with what each other is going through? She needs to know her friend understands and will continue to be there for her. I think she's guaranteeing a permanent divide in the friendship if she stays aloof and ignores how her friend is feeling. I think OP knows her relationship with her friend best, but if her friend has been that open and honest in the past, she owes it to her to be equally open and honest back.

Maybe yes and maybe no. I live in a community where having large families is normal. and I've spent many years being infertile. When my close friends, sibling, etc. tell me that they are expecting, I perfer something when I don't have to sound instantly happy (trust me, I can fake it well after all these years). I definitely don't want an acknowledgement of you know how hard this is for me, because honestly you don't.

[Anonymous]

You say: I'm pregnant!

[Anonymous]

Everyone is different, but I went through years of losses and unsuccessful IVF cycles while my friends were all having babies. I wouldn't assume you know how she'll react. I was always genuinely happy for my friends.

Personally, I would tell her in person and then respond in real time to whatever feelings she has. If she's truly your BFF, then she should feel comfortable having whatever feelings she has around you...and knowing you'll support and love her no matter what. I actually wouldn't really like the idea of essentially being forced to navigate this privately by hearing the news by email/text.

Again, everyone's different, so I'm sharing an alternative POV. You need to think a bit about your friend and how she processes things. Not every person experiencing infertility is the same.

[Anonymous]

Also, know that as your kids get older, they probably won't stay BFFs even if you and mom do. One ends up great at soccer and the other likes karate better. They are in different classes at school and make their own friends that they like better than your friends.

K is about the time when kids make their own friends and then the moms end up meeting each other...not the other way around.

[Anonymous]

I am only recently learning that having a baby can end friendships if one of you ends up unable to do so. This makes me sad! All of my friend have different lives. Some never got married or got divorces, some lost their parents or siblings early, and some have had financial hardships or windfalls that have put them in a different place. I am wondering if these other areas should be treated with more care as well.

[Anonymous]

Just please don't say anything about how it "just happened" or how you "weren't even trying." As someone struggling with infertility, I am happy for my friends who are pregnant, but when they say stuff like that to someone who is definitely trying and failing, it's obnoxious. Tell her via text and then give her space.